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President Joe Biden was heckled by Republican lawmakers during his State Of The Union address – once when suggesting the GOP wants to end Social Security & Medicare, and again when he asked “anybody here from out of town?”

A Pennsylvania court ruled the state’s public school funding system unconstitutional, saying lower-income districts aren’t adequately funded because of lower property tax revenue. No solution was given, but ideas include a sales tax on prostitution, and collecting a $50 fee for carjacking licenses.

TSA agents at Philadelphia Airport stopped a man with a loaded handgun and dozens of bullets in his carry-on bag. Then they realized he was ticketed on Spirit Airlines and allowed him to proceed.

A former American Idol contestant started a class-action lawsuit claiming she, and other, contestants were paid nothing for eight consecutive 15-hour days of work. So far, the plaintiff class has 400 former participants, but not William Hung or the ‘Pants On The Ground’ guy.

Zoom is laying off 1,500 employees. Terminated workers were notified twice – the first time the human resources person was on mute.

A former Victoria’s Secret store manager said they’re not allowed to confront shoplifters. The policy is for their own safety, and because of lawsuits when managers wrongly demanded shoppers hand over their underwear.

Retired porn star Ron Jeremy was committed to a California state mental hospital, after being declared f*ckin’ nuts.

Animal welfare officials in Nevada found a domesticated dog had been taken in and cared for by a pack of coyotes. The dog is now at a local animal hospital and listed in stable condition after treatment for falling anvil and jet pack injuries.

19-year-old Eden Polani, rumored to be dating 48-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio, deleted her Instagram account. She is reportedly upset with the backlash over comments from her 230,000 followers, most of whom are also 40+ creeps but with less money.

A toddler had to be rescued after her head became stuck in an angel food cake pan. The pan was cut free, and her face was iced down because the cake hadn’t cooled yet.

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A family of four survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in a Tesla as they rode on Highway 1 in California. They were transported to a local hospital, where they were expected to finish the movie they were all watching on the dashboard.

This week marks the start of the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, where industry execs gather to see the world’s biggest TVs in the same place as the world’s biggest boobs.

Brendan Fraser’s performance as a terminally-ill obese man in The Whale almost went to James Corden. They decided on Fraser because audiences wouldn’t have the patience to wait 90 minutes for Corden to die.

Kellyanne Conway told the January 6th Committee that the only person Donald Trump is truly afraid of is his wife, Melania. Mostly because of the nude pics of him she has on her phone.

Marshall’s discount department store is closing their Center City Philadelphia location, marking the occasion with the chain’s first-ever Going Out Of Business Smash-&-Grab.

A “nearly mummified” body was found in South Carolina, in a clothing donation bin that hadn’t been emptied for months. Forensics experts are tasked with identifying the deceased, while trying to make the sneakers they were wearing ready for sale.

Jessica Simpson posted a selfie wearing her 8th grade cheerleading jacket. “Nope, still nothing” said her husband.

UFC founder Dana White and his wife were recorded having a physical altercation on New Year’s Eve at a bar in Cabo San Lucas after a night of heavy drinking. White apologized, but will also offer the rematch via pay-per-view for $69.95.

A traveler was arrested at New York’s JFK Airport for smuggling handgun parts in jars of Jif peanut butter in his checked bags. The SPCA is investigating the man’s dog who suffered minor injuries cleaning his other guns.

Officials in China’s government blasted the U.S. and several European counries for requiring travelers to show a negative COVID test. To help smooth things over, Spirit Airlines has offered flights that will only allow COVID-positive people on board.

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Alabama called off an execution because they had trouble finding a vein in the prisoner for lethal injection. They rescheduled the execution after they had no trouble finding bullets.

Boeing agreed to pay $200 million for misleading the public about the safety of the 737 Max jet following two fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019. Spirit Airlines faces similar fines for misleading its passengers when promising a pleasant travel experience.

A man was arrested for punching an American Airlines flight attendant in the back of the head on a flight from Mexico to Los Angeles. The flight attendant will be evaluated for head injuries, and may miss work until he can once again demonstrate how seat belts work.

Philadelphia police warned that carjackers are attacking more suburban areas, since they need SUVs and minivans to carpool with other carjackers.

Authorities in Montgomery County, Texas arrested one of their own police officers in an undercover prostitution sting at a local hotel. He was fired, and no one believed his story that he, himself, was undercover as a guy carrying condoms looking for the ice machine.

Only Fans model Valentina Belucci said she gets paid for looking at photos of men’s penises and writing her ‘review’ of them. Although she said it takes a while to get paid by their health insurance.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The NFL announced that Apple Music is the new sponsor, adding that it “couldn’t think of a more appropriate partner” to write billion-dollar checks for ten minutes of forgettable entertainment.

Convicted murderer and cannibal Mark Latunski said he killed and ate a hairdresser named Kevin Bacon – but admitted even he wouldn’t eat liver and Bacon.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, currently facing allegations of sex with a minor, announced he’ll start streaming on Twitch. Gaetz said it’s just one of the ways to view him, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and photos sent to 17-year-olds.

The Boston Celtics suspended head coach Ime Udoka for a consensual sexual relationship with a member of the team’s staff. However, the NBA reassured groupies that they’re still free to engage in sex with the staffs of married players.

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Dr. Anthony Fauci wants the monkeypox virus to be taken more seriously. He believes the first step is calling it something much less hilarious than monkeypox.

A transgender female incarcerated at a New Jersey women’s prison was moved to a men’s facility after impregnating two female inmates. She’s also ordered to pay child support to each mother in the form of ten loose cigarettes a month.

A class action lawsuit alleges Skittles candy is “unfit for human consumption” because of heightened levels of known toxin titanium dioxide. Skittles maker Mars Candy refutes the claim, but halted the introduction of new Tropical Fruit Round-Up Skittles.

Ricky Martin denies a sexual relationship with his nephew, who was granted a restraining order against the singer. However, the nephew’s attorney provided evidence, including Martin’s new single ‘Livin La Vida Incesto’.

New reports show the U.S. Governments’ Departments of Homeland Security, Border Patrol, & Customs are acquiring and using huge amounts of location data from smartphone apps in violation of individual privacy rights. The app data also show some illegal immigrants making really good time getting from Tijuana to Dallas.

Netflix is testing a new payment plan for password sharing, which they call the Add A Home plan. Add A Home tested more favorably with consumers than their other name idea, the Just Tell Your Cheapskate Friend To Get Their Own Account plan.

The United Kingdom is facing its worst heat wave in history, with just 1% of the population owning air conditioners, and federal laws banning citizens from putting ice in their 3 o’clock tea.

Sesame Place theme park is apologizing after a viral video showed costumed character Rosita appearing to ignore two black girls asking for a hug during a parade. Going forward, Rosita will be replaced in the parade by Oscar The Grouch, who will tell all kids to get lost.

A Florida man admitted to lighting firecrackers and throwing them under the bed of a 9-year-old girl. He conceded in court it was the wrong thing to do, but said it did scare away the monsters.

Airline industry analyst Oliver Wyman’s forecasts the global pilot shortage will reach 32,000 openings in ten years. Spirit Airlines is currently conducting interviews with unemployed losers living in their parent’s basement playing Microsoft Flight Simulator.

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A dead humpback whale washed ashore at a Wildwood, New Jersey beach. Lifeguards identified it after realizing it wasn’t wearing a swimsuit.

Steve Bannon told the January 6th Committee that he would testify, but that he wouldn’t shave or wash his hair.

The International Shark Attack File recorded 73 ‘unprovoked bites’ worldwide in 2021. Also recorded were 39 so-called ‘provoked bites’ – mainly to boyfriends jealous the shark was getting a little too close with their girl.

Thousands of Sri Lankans – angry at worsening economic conditions and a critical shortage of fuel – stormed the capital and forced the Prime Minister to resign. Everybody walked there.

The Federal Transportation Department told U.S. airlines to start making it easier for families to sit together at no extra charge. Spirit Airlines heeded the call and promptly introduced Family Cargo Hold Seating.

Howie Mandel posted a video of a prolapsed rectum to his Tik Tok account on Saturday night. He later removed it, but not before fellow America’s Got Talent judge Heidi Klum gave it her Golden Buzzer.

The nation’s only retailer for unclaimed airline luggage – Greenpoint Terminal Market – will host a silent auction for a suitcase containing 10 luxury items including Apple Airpods, designer sunglasses & clothing. If it’s a success, the next auction will feature a suitcase full of cocaine.

The Food & Drug Administration received its first application for a non-prescription, over-the-counter birth control pill, that men can buy as a birthday gift for their girlfriends.

After two months missing, it was confirmed that a South Carolina man died after falling into a shredder at a plastic bottle recycling plant where he worked. Forensics experts made the discovery after taking a DNA sample from a fleece hoodie.

Kourtney Kardashian celebrated her 38th birthday at an island getaway with her extended family, calling it Kamp Koko. However, she’s having her nieces & nephews Kamp Koko Kids t-shirts reprinted with a different name.

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A woman shared a Tik Tok video of moldy breast implants she had removed in 2020 after they were making her ill. She kept them because her boyfriend still likes to squeeze them while he watches football.

Before fugitive corrections officer Vicky White killed herself with a gunshot to the head, she was overheard on a 911 call complaining that prison escapee Casey White wanted to stay “in a f**kin’ motel”. Casey White was overheard saying he had reward points he needed to use before they expired.

Google Maps is adding detailed “immersive views” of major U.S. cities. Soon, drivers in Chicago & Philadelphia will be able to see their carjacker on a route map.

Andy Dick was arrested and charged with felony sexual battery at a California campground. The bear did not suffer serious injury.

Two million people signed a petition calling for actress Amber Heard to be removed from the upcoming Aquaman 2 movie; but all agree that, even if they do, it’ll still probably suck as much as Aquaman.

The 2022 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue will feature Kelly Hughes – the first SI model to show off her C-section scar. She joins hundreds of past models who proudly displayed their T and A sections.

North Korea reported its first COVID outbreak, and ordered an immediate lockdown, which is apparently different than the everyday Because-We’re-North-Korea lockdown.

A Tibet Airlines jet caught fire after sliding off the runway during takeoff in China, with all passengers & crew evacuated safely. Meanwhile in the U.S., a Spirit Airlines jet caught fire on takeoff, and all passengers had their snacks upgraded to warm peanuts.

Florida gas prices reached a record high, making it more expensive than ever for retirees to slowly crash their cars into each other.

Madonna released a series of digital NFTs depicting plants and bugs growing out of her vagina. Her gynecologist recommended she start using Summer’s Eve with RoundUp.

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Philadelphia is ending its indoor mask mandate less than a week after reinstating it, after the Centers for Disease Control determined the health benefits of wearing one didn’t outweigh the risks from the food Philly residents ate when they removed it.

Tiger Woods introduced two new 18-hole putting courses at a fun center in Sarasota. He focused on putting courses because he’s notoriously great at putting, and because it leaves more time for participants to hit on the female bartenders.

Mike Tyson repeatedly punched a passenger seated behind him on a Jet Blue flight, but walked off the aircraft before it departed. He then boarded a Spirit Airlines flight, and waited for the captain to illuminate the fistfight sign before pummeling a different guy.

A new mom’s Tik Tok video claims the key to understanding a newborn baby is deciphering nine unique baby cries – three each for hunger, fatigue, and filling their diaper.

The FAA revoked the private pilot’s license of YouTube’r Trevor Jacob, saying he crashed a small plane on purpose, jumping out with a parachute and recording it all on a smartphone with a selfie stick. Jacob remains grounded for a year, and then will start work flying for Spirit Airlines.

Amber Heard is accused of copying ex-husband Johnny Depp’s outfits as the two square off in court over a lawsuit. Heard said it was tough to find a Halloween Spirit store open in April to get a Captain Jack Sparrow costume.

Florida released four examples of math textbooks it disqualified for use in the state. The exhibits showed bar charts measuring perceived racism – with the tall bar labeled ‘Florida’.

Donald Trump mocked the shutdown of CNN+ streaming service after just three weeks. He released a statement calling it an ’empty desert’. The statement was released on multiple online outlets, including to the six people on Truth Social.

Victoria’s Secret named its first male Brand Ambassador, actor Darren Barnet. He’ll model gender-neutral apparel and give online tutorials on one-handed bra unhooking.

Kevin Federline’s lawyer said Britney Spears’ recent post about his not wanting to see her when she was pregnant with their children is false, and that he would vigorously defend Federline just as soon as Britney paid him.

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Data from insurance industry website Insurify shows that, of the seven most popular vehicles owned by drivers withar DUI, seven are pickup trucks. Owners say it’s because of the convenience transporting cases of beer and injured pedestrians.

Threat assessmnent experts cite an increased risk of violence posed by “incels” – involuntary celibate men frustrated they can’t have sexual relationships with women. It’s so bad, threat levels have been elevated to Code Red for every ComicCon this summer.

The European Union stripped Russia of “Most Favored Nation” trade status. Emails sent to Russian households inform buyers their UPS shipment is scheduled to arrive ‘Never’.

Russia is seizing hundreds of Boeing & Airbus passenger jets grounded in the country. Spirit Airlines is pleased to announce new 29-Ruble SuperSaver flights between Moscow and St. Petersburg.

37 million people in China are in COVID lockdown – leading to immense stress in households that have already reached their two-child limit.

Dolly Parton refused her nomination to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame, and also refused to endorse the write-in candidate seeking to take her spot on the ballot, Lou Bega.

Tom Brady’s return to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers has put his feature film project ‘80 For Brady‘ in question. That, and Jane Fonda’s decision to return to making leotard & leg warmer aerobics videos.

A Wisconsin bird flu outbreak will require the culling of 2.75 million chickens – as 300 Wisconsin fire departments band together for a world record barbecue.

A new study claims sleeping with even a small amount of light on harms your heart health. The study cites audience heart attacks suffered falling asleep during showings of three-hours-long ‘The Batman’.

Sandra Bullock announced she’s “taking a break” from acting. Viewers of her last few movies announced “that’s a terrific idea”.

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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Bitcoin has become the preferred payment for sex workers. So now being a ‘two-Bit’ hooker means you earn around $85,000.

Asian actress Awkwafina left Twitter amidst heavy criticism of her using a ‘blaccent’ in her performances. Which isn’t so bad, considering black or white performers using Asian accents can expect to be cancelled altogether.

Guns N Roses frontman Axl Rose turned 60. “Take me down to Paradise City, where the grass is…damnit, slow down! I want to get there in one piece!!” said Rose.

Spirit Airlines & Frontier Airlines plan to merge. They’ll adopt the name of whichever carrier’s team of frequent flyers wins a midair brawl.

When the January 6th Committee subpeonaed the National Archives for Trump White House documents, some needed to be retrieved from Mar A Lago because Trump had taken them there. He explained that he kept some papers because Kim Kardashian sat on them by mistake when she visited the Oval Office.

New Orleans Saints running back Alvin Kamara was arrested and charged with battery of a patron at a Las Vegas nightclub following the Pro Bowl. If he beats up the same person again, he’ll face rechargeable battery.

New Jersey & Delaware set timelines to end mask mandates for schoolchildren. Philadelphia public schools also set their timeline: whenever a kid drops out.

Samsung announced their new Galaxy series of smartphones will use plastic made from recycled fishing nets. So when they burst into flames it’ll smell like a bonfire on the beach.

The Miami Dolphins hired San Francisco 49ers offensive coordinator Mike McDaniel to be their next head coach. McDaniel was selected over several other finalists, including Rooney Rule interviewee The Wise Black Janitor From ‘Rudy’.

Two dozen people were poisoned at a Russian hospital after being ordered to drink ‘battery fluid’ before x-rays of their digestive tract. Hospital workers then hooked jumper cables to their nipples to start their frozen cars.