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Amazon plans to release an enhanced version of Alexa and charge a subscription fee. Although single men may not pay for an enhanced woman just to hear what she has to say.

MV Dali, the cargo ship that crashed into and toppled Baltimore’s Key Bridge, was finally pulled from the wreckage and hauled to a nearby port. “Hello, Dali” said the harbormaster.

TV streamer Hulu is releasing special programming for Pride Month. Although women already can’t stream romantic comedies on Hulu without their boyfriends and husbands telling them how gay they are.

Taylor Swift appeared to have a hickey on her neck during her most recent concert. Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker sent a video to teammate Travis Kelce warning of the dangers of ‘heavy necking and petting’.

Scarlett Johansson is suing Open AI for using a near-replica of her voice for their Chat GPT product. Chat GPT said they don’t have the money because they mistakenly hired Fran Drescher and paid her millions to stop talking.

A New Jersey teen enlisted Philadelphia Phillies superstar Bryce Harper for a ‘promposal’. He went with the teen to the girl’s house to ask her to go to prom with the boy, then asked if she wanted to go on the team’s next road trip to Los Angeles.

Graceland is reportedly under foreclosure due to an alleged unpaid debt by the late Lisa Marie Presley. Her daughter Riley Keough is suing to stop a foreclosure auction, saying there is no debt, and the lender ain’t nothin’ but a hound dog, lyin’ all the time.

A hiker walking in Grand Teton National Park was attacked by a grizzly bear. He survived and is listed in critical condition. The bear suffered two missing teeth.

Russia reportedly launched a space weapon capable of shooting down U.S. satellites in orbit. They’re currently taking a collection to shoot down whatever satellite transmits Real Time with Bill Maher for HBO.

Teenage boys annual spending on fragrances rose 26%, as they turn to more expensive options. Experts believe the trend is driven by girlfriends who give them money to buy anything besides Axe.

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The Louvre museum may move the Mona Lisa to an underground room. She can come back upstairs once she’s ready to behave.

Self-driving tractor trailers will be on U.S. highways in late 2024, just as soon as they can recognize children making the bent-arm honk-your-horn gesture.

Walmart will close all 51 of its health care clinics in six states, citing financial losses, and a string of lawsuits from women claiming stockboys were offering pelvic exams.

An inflatable rescue slide flew off a Delta jet during takeoff from New York’s Kennedy Airport, landing in Queens and saving a family a few hundred bucks they would’ve spent renting a bounce house.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is considering moving the Super Bowl to the Sunday before President’s Day to make it a 3-day weekend. Or, just moving MLK Day to the day after the Super Bowl since it’s too close to New Year’s Day anyway.

The Kansas City Chiefs made Travis Kelce the highest paid tight end in NFL history with a 2-year $34 million contract extension. Meanwhile Taylor Swift earned $50 million from The Tortured Poets Department in 2 minutes, 34 seconds.

Donald Trump was found in contempt of court and fined $9,000 for violating his hush-money trial gag order nine times. Trump then told the court he can’t find a bond company to loan him the $9,000.

Trump will be allowed to attend his son Barron’s high school graduation by the judge in his hush money trial. However, he was blocked from giving the valedictorian’s speech.

The company owning Family Dollar & Dollar Tree will close 1,000 stores, with customers lined up outside of the locations for Going Out Of Business sales promising markdowns to 98 cents.

An Oklahoma man was arrested after going to a Starbucks drive-thru naked on multiple occasions “to see the pretty girls who work there”. The baristas said he’d switched to iced coffee after repeated burns to his lower body.

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A woman outed as a stalker who allegedly inspired Netflix hit ‘Baby Reindeer’ is threatening legal action against producers. Given her stalking success, she’s also threatening illegal action.

Surgeons installed a mechanical heart pump and a genetically-modified pig kidney in a woman during the same procedure. She also wanted a breast augmentation but doctors told her to get her priorities straight.

A former McDonald’s chef said he can’t believe people order Big Mac meals because they’re more expensive than Quarter Pounder meals and provide less meat. Customers who just finished their Big Mac meals also aren’t thrilled with their decision.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard said that before marrying Ryan Anderson in prison, she dreamed about reuniting with her ex, Ken Urker. She’s now divorced and dating Urker, making this her second dream-come-true after murdering her mother.

The Affordable Connectivity Program – a federal government program providing cheap Internet access to thousands, may shut down. Comcast/Xfinity said they’ll step up and offer cheap Internet, but only if it’s bundled with overpriced TV.

Sleep experts documented cases of sexsomnia, where people demand sex or pleasure themselves while sleeping, but have no memory of it the next day. This is different than sexamnesia, where people have conscious sex but forget about it because it was so bad.

A Pennsylvania priest was arrested after spending $40,000 of church money on smartphone games like Candy Crush, Pokemon Go & Mario Kart. His lawyer said he needed a way to stay busy after the Diocese made him delete Grindr.

Tesla received approval for full self-driving vehicles in China, with the Chinese government conceding it can’t make things much worse.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce visited Las Vegas with Patrick and Brittany Mahomes. They enjoyed dinner and cocktails, then placed individual bets on which couple would break up first.

ChatGPT is being criticized for overwhelmingly depicting financiers & CEOs as men, and secretaries as women. Critics say the women should be called administrative assistants.

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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce spent Easter Sunday in Philadelphia at the home of Jason Kelce, then returned to L.A. on her jet, where she recorded two hastily-written bonus tracks for her upcoming album, Not For Nothin’; & Jawn With The Wind.

New research claims dogs are able to associate some words with objects. Other research finds cats are able to associate an infinite number of objects and actions with “food”.

Adidas will redesign the number 4 on Germany’s national soccer team jerseys, after complaints that it resembles a symbol of Nazi paramilitary units. They’ll implement a new design just as soon as they fill all the backorders from Germany and the U.S.

Discount grocer Lidl is recalling macarons in 9 states due to potentially “lethal” mislabeling which omitted allergens in them. No deaths have been officially reported, but flags are flying at half-mast on Sesame Street.

Beyonce’s ‘Cowboy Carter’ country album broke single-day streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music & elsewhere. The hundreds of millions of streams are expected to earn Bey royalties in excess of $300.

The number of U.S. workers over the age of 75 is expected to nearly double over the next decade. Translation: your fast food will likely be about half as fast.

‘Oppenheimer‘ was finally released in Japan – the only country to experience a nuclear strike. Afterward, many viewers said the experience left them bitter and sad, but that they’ll still see the Japan-produced sequel, Oppenheimer vs Godzilla.

Comedian Daniel Tosh shared an unsubstantiated rumor that Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Timothee Chalamet’s baby. Chalamet has reportedly been Dune her for months.

Actor Bill Murray hired a private investigator to find his cell phone after leaving it in an Uber. Murray successfully found the phone and determined he’d received zero acting offers.

LSU’s Angel Reese and Iowa’s Caitlin Clark – who’d sparred in Iowa’s 2023 national championship loss – exchanged a hug and whispers after Iowa won last night’s rematch. Clark said she told Reese to continue being great, and Reese told Clark to maybe think about makeup once in a while.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Taylor Swift’s management team filed a trademark application for ‘TaylorCon”, fueling speculation of a Taylor Swift fan festival, or a conference where thousands of women can join together and sing about getting dumped.

Facebook turned 20, making it the only 20-year-old you know that actually spends time on Facebook.

UV nail polish dryers in salons were found to potentially cause cancer and changes to DNA. The DNA changes were so profound, some men getting manicures opted for long nails before singing and dancing while dressed as women.

Donald Trump asked his social media followers if he looks like Elvis. Many replied that he does, because they could see him having a fatal heart attack on the toilet.

Spectrum passed Comcast to become the U.S. biggest cable company, mainly because more customers are disconnecting from Comcast. Comcast responded by scheduling its first available disconnect appointments to September 2026.

An ‘atmospheric river’ could deliver up to 10 inches of rain in parts of California. Many San Francisco residents said they’d never had 10 inches, but would consider it.

Following a devastating fire, repairs are nearing completion at Paris’ historic Notre Dame Cathedral. A spokesperson for the Catholic Church said they hope to be open and molesting altar boys three weeks before Christmas.

While Patrick Mahomes seeks his 3rd Super Bowl ring with the Kansas City Chiefs, his father Patrick Mahomes Sr was arrested for his 3rd DUI, and received his 3rd pair of silver bracelets.

‘Jersey Shore’ Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino shared a video of saving his three-year-old son Romeo after he began choking on gnocchi. Sorrentino dislodged the gnocchi by striking Romeo in the back, without a second to spare after taking two minutes to remove his son’s four gold chains.

Researchers find that a switch to a vegan diet rapidly impacts the immune system. Specifically, the immune system wants to leave so it doesn’t have to keep hearing its person talk about becoming a vegan for the 1000th time.

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Ricardo, a large steer captured running on New Jersey Transit train tracks in December, is hospitalized with an infection. All of Ricardo’s girlfriends are advised to get tested.

A woman was trapped for 15 hours overnight in a gondola lift at Lake Tahoe’s Heavenly Ski Resort. The lift was apparently shut off with her in it, and things went downhill from there.

E. Jean Carroll said she plans to spend the $83 million awarded to her by the jury in her defamation lawsuit on “something Donald Trump hates”. She’ll still have $82,999,000 left after buying the treadmill.

For the first time ever, a live baby great white shark has been spotted in the wild off the California coast. The baby shark was fine having its picture taken, but begged whoever took the photo not to play the song.

Taylor Swift was seen mouthing the words “go away, please” as cameras showed her watching boyfriend Travis Kelce from a suite at the AFC Championship. An estimated 30 million people watching at home were saying the same thing to their TVs.

Eminem also watched from a suite as his Detroit Lions suffered a crushing defeat to the San Francisco 49ers in the NFC Championship. No word on whether Eminem also hooked up with a tight end after the game.

Privacy advocates are concerned that Google plans to allow artificial intelligence to read and analyze texts sent on its Google Messages platform. AI already can tell which messages are really boring and lie about never getting the text.

Sofia Vergara said her acting jobs are “limited” because of her Colombian accent – but adds that meetings with producers are “plentiful” because of her breasts.

A 49-year-old military veteran faked needing a wheelchair for 20 years to collect almost $700,000 in disability benefits. He was working as a kindergarten teacher, where a confidential informant captured video of him doing the Hokey Pokey.

An Associated Press investigation found U.S. prison labor is used in the supply chain of many popular food brands, including Gold Medal flour, Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes, and Double-Stuf Life Without Parole Oreo Cookies.

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‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

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Doritos is launching Nacho Cheese Liquor. Now your breath can reek of two different things at once.

The University of Pennsylvania named J. Larry Jameson as their new interim President. Meanwhile his father Jonah is pounding the desk at the Daily Bugle demanding more pictures of Spider-Man.

An investor group has reportedly offered $5.8 billion to buy Macy’s. They’d wanted to pay $4.6 billion, but their 20% off coupon wasn’t valid.

Rumors are swirling that New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft has already decided to part ways with longtime head coach Bill Belichick. One of Kraft’s closest advisors said the decision was difficult because Kraft has loved Bill long time.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce kissed at a holiday party following the Kansas City Chiefs loss on Sunday. Photographs show Kelce’s hands clearly violating Swift’s neutral zone.

Meta plans to fact-check posts on their Threads app, then probably do nothing about it.

Cocoa extract may improve cognitive function in adults. Look for new Cocoa Prevagen Krispies cereal.

Craig Berube was fired as head coach of the NHL St. Louis Blues. The bad news is he’s out of a job; the good news is he no longer has the Blues.

A self-copying RNA vaccine received approval for human trials. Once injected, the microchip in the vaccine makes a copy of itself.

Bradley Cooper’s 6-year-old daughter attended the premiere of his Leonard Bernstein biopic, ‘Maestro’ – then snuck out 20 minutes in to go see Trolls: Band Together.