By |

Two members of rock band Journey were fired, accused of using a holding company to gain control of the Journey name & trademark for financial gain. In other news, the name & trademark for Dexy’s Midnight Runners sold for $4.59 on eBay.

According to the Boston Herald, a phone call between New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick and QB Tom Brady “did not go well”. Presumably, when Brady found out three different people were recording it.

Retired NHL tough guy Matthew Barnaby, formerly of the Buffalo Sabres, was arrested in Nashvillle for allegedly choking the bouncer at a bar. Barnaby was taken to a hospital when he jumped out of the moving squad car after five minutes.

Katy Perry officially announced she’s expecting a baby with fiancee Orlando Bloom. Perry tweeted “omg so glad I don’t have to suck it in anymore”.  Bloom replied “wait..what?”.

Donald Trump told Sean Hannity he thinks it’s okay if people with coronavirus continue to go to work, but only after they watch five hours of tv in the morning and eat a hearty hamburger or fried chicken lunch.

Starbucks is suspending customers’ using their own mug or tumbler to be filled with coffee drinks, citing coronavirus concerns. So now, expect the person ahead of you to punctuate their pretentious 60-second order with an equally long argument.

Ryan Seacrest of ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’ revealed part of his preshow routine is to not make eye contact with co-host Kelly Ripa. Husbands of their biggest fans say it’s just like their weekday routine of never making eye contact with the show.

In a meeting with airline executives about coronavirus plans, Donald Trump claimed he hadn’t touched his own face in weeks. He added that he’s fine not touching his face as long as he can pick his nose and teeth.

The makers of Tito’s vodka warned it can’t be used in homemade hand sanitizer because it’s only 40% alcohol. The makers of Bankers Club vodka say they actually prefer you using it as hand sanitizer instead of drinking it.

Target employees claim they’ve received no communication from senior management about how to handle the coronavirus. Walmart employees say they’ve been told to keep coughing on customers and napping as usual.

By |

Philadelphia is planning to open the first-of-its-kind ‘safe injection site’ in the U.S. It will be the first place where users can safely inject high doses of pain killers that isn’t an NFL locker room.

The White House plans to ask Congress for up to $2.5 billion to battle the COVID-19 coronavirus. The Pentagon will make a separate request of $5 billion, to buy 50 face masks.

The Centers for Disease Control listed which styles of facial hair pose issues in helping to prevent the coronavirus. They say certain beards prevent face masks from properly contacting the face, although they make the wearer look like less of a douche.

Heaven Fitch became the first female to win a North Carolina state high school wrestling championship. She won the 106-pound weight class, but swears she’s a Size 0.

  • Her finishing move is telling opponents stories about how much she loves visiting her grandmother, at which point they surrender.

A player for the American Hockey League Hershey Bears was hospitalized after getting knocked out in an on-ice fight. He was kept overnight for observation, and an additional five minutes for fighting.

The bankrupt Boy Scouts of America may need to sell original Norman Rockwell paintings in order to pay sexual molestation lawsuits. It’s not clear how much money the sales will generate, since most of the paintings are of scout leaders molesting boys.

A new study claims the average U.S. home internet speed went up, from 103.1 Mbps in 2018 to 128.3 Mbps in 2019. Asked for comment, a Comcast/Xfinity spokesperson said “Not because of us, that’s for sure.”

  • The same study cites the average U.S. household consumed 344 gigabytes of data in a year, at a rate of roughly 2 gigabytes per porn video.

The creator of the ‘Konami code’ – Up, up, down, down, left, right, b, a, start – has died. The code was used to generate extra lives in video games, but apparently really slows things down when you have to type it into defibrillators.

YouTube’rs are making videos teaching people to give themselves fecal transplants, where stool from healthy donors is put in the intestinal tract via the rectum to cure bowel disorders. So far the only videos YouTube has removed are the ones where the stool is used to make smoothies.

A St. Cloud, Minnesota Walmart experienced so much theft of socks and underwear that those items are now locked in a glass case. They say most of the shoplifters were low-income grandmothers who still insisted on giving terrible Christmas gifts.

By |

A park in Central Florida is closed during snake mating season, as snakes form ‘breeding balls’ where multiple males mate with a single female. While people can’t watch in person, Florida Fish & Game officials are making it available for $9.95 on pay-per-view.

An Oregon comedian was fired for illegally fleeing the MS Westerdam cruise ship, which is quanantined with coronavirus. Several passengers have developed a dry, persistent hack, and also describe the comedian as a dry, persistent hack. [Story h/t to Dave P.]

During the Democratic Presidential Debate, Elizabeth Warren accused Mike Bloomberg of calling women “fat broads” and “horse-faced lesbians”. Bloomberg then asked Warren how she was able to read his old employee performance reviews.

Researchers have devised a way to use discarded McDonald’s cooking oil as a plastic resin in 3D printers. They hope that one day it can be used to improve amputees lives by 3D printing prosthetic limbs that smell like french fries.

Kelly Ripa discussed her recent decision to stop drinking alcohol. “I felt better, so I just stopped.” Her decision has inspired thousands of others who now feel better because they just stopped.. watching ‘Live with Kelly & Ryan’.

Fitbit trackers may soon be updated to detect sleep apnea. When someone snores in the middle of the night, the Fitbit on their spouse’s wrist will track the number of punches they throw to get them to stop.

Cord-cutting accelerated in 2019, as more & more Americans cancelled their cable video service. Comcast said they welcome cord-cutting, and will assist their customers in doing so by selling them a pair of wire cutters for just $149.

Walmart denies asking a woman and her 22-year-old autistic son to leave a Pennsylvania store because the non-verbal son was making loud noises. The mother claims a worker told them he was disturbing customers’ shopping and other employees’ sleeping.

Croydon, New Hampshire fired its only policeman at a town meeting, telling him to surrender his patrol car and uniform. He did, leaving the meeting wearing only boots, a hat and his underwear. Police in the next town over were called to investigate a man who robbed a Croydon 7-Eleven wearing only a hat, boots and underwear.

The jury in the Harvey Weinstein trial entered the third day of deliberations, equalling the amount of time women deliberated over whether they should have sex with a rich guy as disgusting as Harvey Weinstein.

By |

Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

By |

Michael Bloomberg was declared eligible to participate in the next Democratic Party Presidential Debate. In other news, the debate moderator bought a boat.

Walmart said their Holiday 2019 shopping season “wasn’t as good as expected”. They said the first hint was when Black Friday Doorbuster concussions dropped 50% from last year.

Disney World’s iconic Cinderella Castle is getting a makeover. The news was reported by customers at an Orlando Home Depot, who saw Cinderella and Prince Charming arguing about paint colors.

Vendors are complaining about electicity costs at the Philadelphia Flower Show. 10 days of power for a booth cost $165 in 2019, and over $400 this year. The local electricians union said the added cost is protection money to rough up rats chewing power lines.

Instagram & YouTube fitness model Zoe Klopfer discovered her photographer had hidden a camera in her bathroom, capturing images of her nude and using the toilet. Klopfer has over 240,000 followers; the toilet account now has over a million.

IKEA Dubai is letting customers discount their purchase by showing how long it took them to get to the store with their Google Maps timeline. Customers traveling an hour to the store are excited to save money on products taking them four hours to assemble incorrectly.

Boy Scouts of America declared bankruptcy, after their plan to offer limited-edition Dropping Sexual Assault Lawsuit merit badges didn’t get much traction.

Chinese restaurants in major U.S. cities are claiming their business is down as much as 50% over fears of the COVID-19 coronavirus – and sales of #19 combos are almost non-existent.

White House adviser Stephen Miller married Mike Pence’s press secretary Katie Waldman on Sunday. No word on when, or if, they plan to welcome children for sacrifice to Satan.

TV hit ‘Riverdale’ is getting a spinoff, ‘Katy Keene’, which features an abundance of LGBTQ characters and story lines – like refusing to be served at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe, and taking a half-hour to explain to Moose what ‘gay’ is.

By |

Eastern Kentucky linebacker Michael Harris was arrested after dashcam video shows him lifting a police officer over his head during his arrest. He remains in jail, but is hoping to get out in time to bench-press cops at the NFL Combine.

Attorney General William Barr told ABC News that President Trump’s tweets “make it impossible to do my job”. Meanwhile, Trump is telling aides that the new White House intern’s tight blouses and skirts “make it impossible to do my job.”

Subaru received low scores in the J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability Study, based mostly on responses from the member of broken-up female couples who don’t get to use the Subaru anymore.

Walmart announced it’s discontinuing their ‘high-end personal shopping service’, Jetblack. Walmart said it was losing money on the $50-a-month service, despite being able to pay six employees for $50 a month.

Genea Sky, a stripper whose fall from a 15-foot pole was seen millions of times, said she no longer wants to dance again. Sky said she suffered a fractured jaw, although it’s unclear whether that was caused by the fall, or a busy night in the Champagne Room.

A California lab claims to have created a coronavirus vaccine. They plan to start testing on humans this summer, just as soon as they can round up 100 people who each have coronavirus and $50,000 cash.

Roku claims that, by 2024, half of U.S. cable households will have cancelled their video service. Comcast disputed that claim, saying it’s impossible when their current on-hold times to disconnect TV average around three years.

Aerosmith welcomed back drummer Joey Kramer, after telling him he couldn’t perform with the band at the Grammys. Band members admitted they couldn’t really see or hear who was playing the drums, anyway.

Southwest is cancelling almost 400 daily summer flights each day because of Boeing’s cancellation of the 737 MAX. They’re communicating the news to passengers by telling them they’re in boarding group Z.

Universal is planning to open a “Classic Monsters” land in its Epic Universe Theme Park. Kids will be able to interact with scary monsters of yesteryear, such as Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman – and the grandparents who came along on the trip.

 

By |

A Delta Airlines flight making an emergency landing in Los Angeles dumped jet fuel that landed on kids at an outdoor playground. Delta representatives visited the playground to wring out the children’s clothing and underwear to try and get the fuel back.

Google is acquiring Pointy, a startup that helps brick-&-mortar retailers sell their products online, so Amazon can find them and put them out of business.

An American Airlines employee copied a passenger’s phone number from their luggage tag, then bombarded her with over 100 “creepy” text messages. Since the employee wasn’t a pilot, she called the cops.

Wine consumption is down in the United States, with industry analysts saying competition from spiked seltzer and hard liquor is cutting into Mom’s day drinking.

Spectrum Cable – formed from the Charter acquisition of Time Warner and Bright House Cable – announced they’re discontinuing home security service. Spectrum representatives say this isn’t the first time a large cable company just gave up on customer service, it’s just the first time they admitted it.

Police were called to the home of former NFL All-Pro wide receiver Antonio Brown, who, in a fight with his girlfriend, threw a bag of penis-shaped gummy candies at her. She failed to catch them, and blamed Brown for being a terrible passer.

Walmart is bringing robots to 650 more stores, as they ramp up efforts to make it impossible for shoppers to find human help.

A new study finds Grindr is illegally sharing users’ personal information with third parties. Grindr users say they’re cool with it, and also wouldn’t mind if third parties brought along fourth and fifth parties.

Glassdoor named the ‘best job in America’ for 2020 – a front-end engineer, who codes and tests website user experience and makes $105,000 annually. Glassdoor’s second-best job is a rear-end engineer, aka ‘personal trainer’.

A 37-year-old woman was arrested for trying to build a bomb inside of a Tampa, Florida Walmart. She was stopped by an off-duty law enforcement officer, then said her break was over.

By |

Dozens of people were killed in a stampede during a funeral procession for Maj. General Qassim Suleimani in Iran. Officials blamed the first-come, first-served post funeral buffet lunch.

Jury selection begins today in the Harvey Weinstein trial. The judge refused Weinstein’s request to interview prospective jurors in a hotel room wearing a bathrobe.

Zhenmeat, a Beijing start-up, is attempting to launch a meat-substitute business in China. starting with a plant-based pork substitute. They plan other products, but say it’s hard turning plants into chicken feet.

To combat ‘deepfake’ trickery, Facebook said it will remove videos that are heavily manipulated by artificial intelligence. Facebook will continue to allow videos that are manipulated by no intelligence.

7-Eleven terminated a franchise in Japan because the owner closed on New Year’s Day. 7-Eleven found out the franchisee closed after hearing local emergency rooms failed to see a single patient on January 1st who was food poisoned by microwave burritos.

A magnitude 6.4 earthquake struck Puerto Rico. President Trump is meeting with disaster response officials to ensure they have enough paper towels.

Owners of the Nintendo Switch gaming console filed a class action lawsuit, claiming the system’s controllers are defective. They’re seeking replacement controllers and compensation for the time-out they got for throwing a tantrum when they lost a game.

Amidst stories of predecessor Gregg Easterbrook flirting with female employees,  McDonald’s CEO Chris Kempczinski is taking steps to change the company’s party-like executive culture, starting by stripping Ronald of Chief Executive Clown status.

Samsung debuted a new TV that rotates to optimize vertical images and videos from smartphones. They say landscape mode is still optimal for looking at breast pics & videos, but that vertical is best for penises.

Pill bottles full of bedbugs were found in a Pennsylvania Walmart changing room. Police don’t know if it was an act of sabotage, or a botched delivery to the Mattress Firm next door.

By |

A guest at Walt Disney World shared video of smoke pouring from the entrance to the PeopleMover ride – next to where Huey, Dewey & Louie stood red-eyed & coughing as they passed something behind their backs.

Rod Stewart allegedly punched a security guard at a private New Year’s Eve party in Palm Beach, Florida. A court date was set for early February. Stewart, through a spokesman, said “If you want my body, and you think I’m guilty, come on let me know.”

U-Haul said it won’t hire nicotine users in the 21 states where it’s legal to do so. They say they only want the healthiest workers renting oversized, heavy trucks to inexperienced drivers who crash them.

Samsung was rumored to be working on a project called ‘Neon’ – believed to be an “artificial human” – but which, on closer inspection, turned out to just be a really quiet Korean guy.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick refused to answer questions about his team’s future following their season-ending defeat, saying he can’t do so until video assistants give him information about other teams’ futures.

A Japanese businessman paid $1.8 million for a 612-pound bluefin tuna, then set a world record for giving the largest number of people bad breath.

Ahead of Marvel Studios summer blockbuster ‘Black Widow’, comic book website CBR listed Black Widow’s superpowers. They include super intelligence, super healing, super lifespan, and the super ability to get a movie made about the most boring Avenger.

Walmart plans to grow business by offering more upscale alcohol options in stores. The biggest challenge is convincing high-end wine and liquor makers to put their products in jugs with NASCAR logos on them.

Following the airstrike that killed Qassem Soleimani, a man eulogizing the Iranian leader offered an $80 million bounty on Donald Trump. Eric & Don Jr. promptly invited their Dad on a rhino hunting trip, with a 24-hour layover in Tehran on the way home.

Keep Labs won an innovation award at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics Show for a product that locks up cannabis products to keep them safe and fresh. It opens via fingerprint recognition, because most users are too baked to remember combinations.

Also at the Consumer Electronics Show, the Consumer Technology Association is permitting the display of, and awards for, sex toys. Or, as they’re known outside of Las Vegas, prostitutes.

By |

‘Joker 2’ is reportedly in development. It picks up the story in the future when aspiring comedian Arthur Fleck goes on a murderous rampage after his Facebook friends reply ‘Interested’ & ‘Going’ to his comedy show but don’t attend.

President Trump addressed the media following Ambassador Gordon Sondland’s testimony during Impeachment Hearings, holding notes reading “I want nothing. I want nothing.”  The notes were from his stop at the vegan station in the White House Dining Hall.

Walmart is redesigning its fresh produce department in response to consumer complaints. And by “redesigning” they mean replacing it with Cheetos.

Category-leading hard seltzer brand White Claw projects $1.5 billion in sales this year. Budget brand Natural Light Hard Seltzer projects to spend about $1.5 billion settling liver-failure lawsuits.

Three black women watching ‘Harriet’ at an AMC Theater in New Orleans say they were racially profiled by managers who stopped the film and falsely accused them of having fake tickets. The women said they never received an apology, and that it was the worst Madea movie yet.

A sprawling storm in the central United States next Tuesday & Wednesday could cause massive disruption to Thanksgiving travel plans. People unable to join their families for Thanksgiving are wondering how to send a ‘thank you’ note to a storm.

Shania Twain accused country music radio of being ageist for not playing her songs or songs from peers like Reba McIntyre or Patty Loveless. She plans to release a new single ‘Cryin’ In My Tesla Drinking White Claw’.

Personal organization expert Marie Kondo opened an online shop, selling items that “spark joy for Marie”. Then Kondo looks at her sales revenue, and sparks even more joy.

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin said the group is putting touring on hold as they figure out how to make their tours more environmentally friendly – aside from the obvious solution, not doing any.

Rob Gronkowski joined the Los Angeles ‘Laker Girls’ during a chroreographed dance routine during a break in their NBA game. Several Laker Girls entered the Dancer Concussion Protocol after congratulatory head-butts from Gronk.