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A Delta Airlines flight from Charleston to Atlanta left the departure gate with 182 passengers but only 180 seats. They returned to the gate where the two extra passengers deplaned and boarded their intended Spirit Airlines flight where they’d bought Lavatory Economy seats.

The first Pakistan Airlines flight since U.S. troops withdrew from Afghanistan arrived at Kabul Airport. The jet refueled and took off with 150 passengers on board, and 10 clinging to the landing gear.

A new survey says law enforcement officers are among the U.S. most unhappy employees, even more so now that it’s tougher to just shoot unarmed citizens to cheer themselves up.

World’s Strongest Man Hafthor ‘The Mountain’ Bjornsson says that it’s a mistake to train to failure – lifting weights until you cannot complete a proper repetition. “Good to know!” said obese Americans not training at all.

New York City schools reopened for the first time in 18 months. Students will be required to wear masks, and bullies will demand your lunch money be paid to them via Venmo.

Countries are wary of the United Nations’ request for aid to Afghanistan, given that they’re now under Taliban rule. So instead the Taliban started a GoFundMe to put new transmissions in attack helicopters left behind by the U.S. Army.

A Lowville, New York hospital will stop delivering babies due to workers quitting over a vaccine mandate. The hospital is hiring additional orderlies to keep babies from coming out.

Former Trump White House aide Steve Bannon ‘media-coached’ Jeffrey Epstein for 15 hours, since Epstein believed he was to be interviewed by 60 Minutes. After Epstein was jailed, Bannon coached him for 15 minutes on knot-tying.

Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett addressed the University of Louisville law school, telling them the high court is “not a bunch of partisan hacks”. “Speak for yourself” said Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

Walmart said a press release annoucing a partnership with cryptocurency Litecoin is fake, while adding that they’re not going to endorse crypto when most Walmart customers barely know how regular money works.

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An Indiana University football player wore a jersey reading ‘INDINIA’ in Saturday’s game. The game marked a career high rushing day, with 120 yards for Indinia Franklin.

A girl died on a Colorado “Haunted Mine Drop” attraction, that plunges riders 110 feet into a mountain cavern. So far, investigators have ruled out ghosts.

A viral video shows a fight between two women on a ferry boat at Disney World’s Magic Kingdom. The fight broke up and EMTs arrived to reattach ears and feathers.

Universities reopened in Afghanistan following the government overthrow by the Taliban, with curtains separating male and female students in classrooms. It wasn’t all good news, as Kabul Tech fell 89-0 to Islamabad in the Middle East Conference Kickoff Classic.

Musk ducks are the only waterfowl capable of vocal learning and expression, according to a decades-old study in Australia. The study captured ducks repeating human phrases, and creating some of their own, like “I’m sick of eating wet bread”.

COVID-19 infection rates in South Dakota shot up 600% since the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally attracted a crowd of 250,000 people in August. Also shooting up – customers of drug-dealing bikers at the Sturgis Motorcycle Rally.

A website where ‘whistleblowers’ can report Texas abortions was shut down for the second time. But it’s okay, because the site was aborted within six weeks of launch.

Richmond, Virginia will remove a statue of Confederate General Robert E. Lee – to make room for a statue of Christopher Columbus that they bought on eBay.

Gymnast Simone Biles replied to criticism over her pulling out of Olympics events, writing “I can’t hear you over my 7 Olympic medals”. Other Olympians were unaware that the medals doubled as wireless Bluetooth speakers.

New studies find evidence of “superhuman” immunity to COVID-19 in some individuals. Oddly enough, none are Trump supporters who died after pledging to never wear masks or get vaccinated.

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San Francisco is paying $300 to parolees and other residents deemed “high risk” if they don’t shoot someone or get shot. One condition is that they don’t use the money for down payment on a handgun.

The new Apple Watch is reportedly running into production problems, which they’re calling “Back To School” for factory workers.

Texas’ new restrictive abortion law means women seeking an abortion will have to travel an average of 496 miles to get one in a different state. Southwest Airlines is offering limited-time $79 one-way ‘Don’t Ruin Your Life’ Fares.

A small group of women in Kabul protested for equal rights in Afghanistan. Then the Taliban showed up, and it was a smaller group of women.

91-year-old Former Roman Catholic Cardinal Theodore McCarrick, stripped of his title by Pope Francis, will go on trial for sexually assaulting a teen boy 50 years ago. McCarrick looks forward to his day in court, but expressed he’s not really into that guy anymore.

ABBA is releasing new music and will stage a concert where the members are represented on-stage as avatars. The avatars will be the Flintstones & Rubbles, and the concert will be called ABBA Dabba Doo.

Amazon is hoping to solve a delivery driver shortage by reminding applicants that they don’t screen for marijuana use. “Great, let us know about opioids and alcohol!” say other prospective hires.

Ownership of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills have released initial details of a proposed new 60,000 seat stadium. Critics expressed disappointment that the stadium will not have a roof, and is located in Buffalo.

Cannabis smoking lounges are growing in popularity in Illinois, owing to the state’s legalization of recreational use, and as some of the few locations where fans can purchase Phish and Blue Oyster Cult tickets.

Michael Davies, executive producer of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?‘, will take over fired Jeopardy! e.p. Mike Richards job. As for Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?, it’s “everyone who successfully sued Mike Richards for sexual harassment”.

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Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

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Senator Rand Paul claims “hatred for Trump” is preventing clinical trials of the livestock dewormer Ivermectin as a means of curing COVID-19. Doctors say there’s nothing stopping Sen. Paul from doing his own trial anytime he wants.

The U.S. completed its pullout from Afghanistan, but promised to call or text in a day or two.

The Taliban said it will permit women to attend university, but mixing of genders in classes and activities will not be allowed. They then introduced the new all-male cheer squad at Kabul University.

An alligator attacked and killed a man at his Louisiana home flooded by Hurricane Ida. Prior to the attack, the alligator asked if the man had anything to eat, and the he told the alligator “no”.

The Caldor Fire is forcing evacuations near Lake Tahoe, California. The fire has spent a week in Lake Tahoe, equalling the seven-night record of Frank Sinatra.

Former champion Andy Murray was incensed after losing his opening-round U.S. Open match to #3 seed Stefanos Tsitsipas, claiming he manipulated the match with unneeded timeouts and bathroom breaks. For his part, the winner said he just really needed to take a Tsitsipiss.

IKEA is conducting a trial where it will buy back gently-used furniture. The furniture needs to be correctly assembled, so nobody’s shown up yet.

China banned online videogames for school children from Monday through Thursday, and will only allow three hours of gaming on the weekends. The decision led to both a spike in Fortnite wins for American & European kids, and record sales of Pornhub Premium subscriptions in China.

Jennifer Lopez wore a multipiece Dolce & Gabbana outfit in Venice, but left the price tag on the cape. Onlookers questioned the authenticity of the clothes, since the tag was from TJ Maxx.

A judge in Ohio ordered a hospital to treat a 51-year-old COVID patient – described by his wife as being ‘at death’s door’ – with livestock deworming medication Ivermectin. He then ordered the man’s ventilator be used on a cow that’s having breathing trouble.

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A Philadelphia man was taken into custody after locking himself in the bathroom at a Planned Parenthood office. “For the last time, you’re not pregnant” said workers.

A nest of 1,500 murder hornets was destroyed in Washington state. The hornets actually excavated a dead tree’s trunk before nesting in it, and may qualify to join a log cutters union.

A woman assaulted by a man on a Tennessee dog walking trail thwarted her assailant by smearing his face with dog poop. The assailant was later captured by police, and identified after the dog sniffed his face.

The U.S. conducted an air strike in Kabul, reportedly killing ISIS-K suicide bombers. “Nooooo… I WANNA DO IT” said the bombers during a tantrum.

A woman was injured at New Jersey’s Six Flags Great Adventure when she slipped and fell off of a roof. Officials have temprorarily shut down the Spider Man’s Shingle Repair ride.

An endangered fin whale that died after being found on a Delaware Beach was discovered to have underlying health conditions. The veterinarian performing the necropsy said the whale suffered from a lack of obesity.

Afghanistan faces a financial crisis because its banks remain closed and citizens have no access to cash. It’s so bad, the country’s largest dealership hasn’t sold a single goat in two weeks.

A gunman who shot at a commuter outside New York Penn Station was sent to jail after calling the judge at his arraignment “bro”. The judge struck his gavel and yelled “you will address me as DUDE!”.

Cecily Barmore, stepdaughter of Dog the Bounty Hunter, was arrested for domestic violence after allegedly punching and biting her boyfriend. The District Attorney has not yet filed charges, after Barmore agreed to heel.

Kid Rock cancelled two shows in Fort Worth, Texas after members of his band tested positive for COVID-19. Rock said via Twitter that he and all his band members have been vaccinated with cow dewormer Ivermectin.

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KISS canceled a show when frontman Paul Stanley tested positive for COVID-19. Gene Simmons’ COVID test still isn’t done because he keeps sticking out his tongue and knocking away the nose swab.

A viral video shows two boys at the Little League World Series staring at a smartphone photo of a large-breasted woman. The boys swiped left and moved on to other profile photos of Little League groupies.

Porn actor Ron Jeremy was indicted for over 30 counts of sexual assault. More charges are expected after prosecutors finish watching The Ron Jeremy Collection: Volume II.

California’s Caldor Fire caused evacuation warnings for the Lake Tahoe area. Residents can either evacuate, or scuba-dive in the lake.

Rochelle Wallensky, Director of the Centers for Disease Control, said something needs to be done to curb gun violence in the U.S. – saying she’s opposed to increasing numbers of citizens being vaccinated with hot lead.

Raymond Vannieuwenhoven, 84, received consecutive life sentences after his saliva from the envelope of a Police Performance survey linked him to the 1979 murder scene. He’s asked to change his rating of police work from Average to Very Good.

Philadelphia International Airport will soon be welcoming Afghani refugees. If they thought waiting for the flight from Kabul was bad, imagine how long they’ll be waiting for their checked bags.

A new study finds female hummingbirds that look like males face less “social harassment”. Cute, feminine hummingbirds are now wearing flannel shirts and crew cuts so they can be left alone and collect more nectar.

Kanye West seemingly recreated his wedding to Kim Kardashian at the most recent ‘Donda‘ album listening party. After the party, security was overwhelmed by dark-haired women with large butts attempting to recreate the wedding night.

Celebrity plastic surgeon Dr. Leonard Hochstein – known as the “Boob God” – is being sued for medical malpractice for allegedly damaging a woman’s legs and labia during a thigh lift. He’s now known as Boob God & Crotch Wrecker.

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A woman is banned from an Antwerp, Belgium zoo because her “affair” with Chita, a 38-year-old male chimpanzee, is hindering his acceptance by the other chimps. That, and Chita’s wife is still pretty pissed off.

A Stockton, California man is accused of shoplifting, then running over an employee’s foot with his wheelchair. He remains at large, despite taking five minutes to load into the getaway van after the theft.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam to announce a donation of 1 million doses of the COVID-19 vaccine. However, China one-upped her, promising 2 million doses, which are reportedly better because they’re vaccines derived from the same coronavirus they made in a lab.

An Afghan woman gave birth to a baby during her evacuation flight from Kabul. She received requests from 10 other passengers to please shut her kid up.

Estes model rocket company is selling a $69.99 replica of the Blue Origin ship that Jeff Bezos rode into space, if you don’t mind having it appear as though your kid is launching a dildo into the air from your backyard.

New York City’s Police Department will issue new “easier to fire” handguns to rookie recruits, saying the reduced pressure required on the trigger will improve the accuracy of bullets shot at unarmed civilians.

A new study from Montana State University identifies the areas of the U.S. most suitable for the invasive Asian Giant Hornet. They determined the Asian hornets are most likely to settle in areas within a 20-minute delivery radius for decent cashew shrimp.

TikTok has disabled the ability to search “milk crate challenge” and removed some of the videos. TikTok’s spokesman said they’re deleting some of the videos, and urging influencers to stick with eating Tide Pods instead.

Scientists conducted tests revealing that Stonehenge is made from a nearly indestructible ancient material — scones.

Actress Letitia Wright was hospitalized following an on-set accident filming her role as Shuri in the Marvel sequel Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Wright was not wearing her Vibranium suit at the time.

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Officials are worried about a credible ISIS terrorist threat to the area around Kabul Airport in Afghanistan – they’re threatening to only sell Dasani water.

Over half of Florida’s school districts are defying Governor Desantis’ ban on mask mandates. Some families still support the mask ban, and are planning to have their kids trick-or-treat as themselves.

Vice President Kamala Harris visited Vietnam, and required a SEAL Team to free her from captivity making sneakers in a Nike factory.

Spencer Elden, who appeared naked underwater as a baby on the cover of Nirvana’s LP ‘Nevermind‘, is suing, claiming his appearance constitutes child pornography. Nirvana’s attorneys want to settle the lawsuit by giving Elden a binky and a nap.

Paulina Porizkova, 56, shared an unretouched version of her nude photo that appeared on the cover of LA Magazine. She said the pic used “no filters, no anything else”, a claim disputed by creeps who wish it had no hair obscuring her boobs.

Two U.S. congressmen – both former military service members – flew to Kabul to see the Afghanistan evacuation effort firsthand, and to hold the lowest-grossing fundraising dinners in modern history.

Delta Air Lines is raising health insurance premiums for unvaccinated workers by $200/month to compensate for COVID-19 expenses. The workers plan to make up the $200 by selling more stuff they steal out of your checked baggage.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts died at age 80, shocking everyone who placed bets on Keith Richards for the last 20 years.

Stones frontman Mick Jagger paid tribute to Watts, but feels that the show must go on – starting at $200 for lousy seats.

OnlyFans has reversed its decision and will no longer ban pornography on October 1st. Shares of KY and Astroglide lubricants are up 300% in early trading.

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China updated its policies to allow families up to three children, because those iPhones aren’t going to build themselves.

Apple extended their remote office work until January, 2022 – unless your office is an iPhone factory, in which case get your ass to work right away.

Tesla introduced Tesla Bots – humanoid robots that use the same artificial intelligence and cameras found in Tesla cars. The first Tesla Bots turned on their auto pilot function and died sprinting into bridge abutments.

The FDA gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to treat COVID-19 – but, in a rare “I-told-you-so moment”, also gave full approval to Clorox for injecting bleach.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant with her second baby fathered by rapper Travis Scott. Her first child is named Stormi, she plans to name this one Dark.

The Pentagon is ordering U.S. airlines help evacuate American citizens and Afghan visa holders from Kabul after the Taliban’s violent takeover. Evacuees assigned to Spirit Airlines decided to wait a few days to see what their options are.

Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly asking staffers if anyone wants to keep his dog, Captain, after he leaves the Governor’s mansion. So far, no takers, as Captain faces 13 different allegations of unwanted leg-humping.

After Mike Richards resigned following accusations of sexual harassment and misogyny, critics want Mayim Bialik fired from her Jeopardy! hosting duties over past statements on vaccines. At this rate, Levar Burton may never get hired because of the fight Geordi had with Captain Picard in 1987.

Former special education teacher-turned-OnlyFans porn star Courtney Tillia said the platform’s ban on pornography will hurt her financially, but she won’t return to teaching. “Damn”, said her special education students.

Google Maps expanded support for e-bike and scooter rental services, so you can get directions to the emergency room when you get struck by a car on your e-bike or scooter.