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A command for iPhones “Siri I’m getting pulled over” reportedly video records police and texts a contact to let them know what’s happening. Siri then gives tips on where to hide your drugs and directions for the upcoming high-speed chase.

Referees in Monday’s Steelers/Dolphins game took ten minutes to review a coaches challenge of an apparent first down. They said it took so long because as they reviewed video, they switched channels to see who was eliminated on Dancing With The Stars.

O.J. Simpson said the 2-5 Cleveland Browns should hire University of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh to replace their current head coach Freddie Kitchens after they stab Kitchens to death.

Politicians criticized the Washington crowd at the World Series for booing and chanting “lock him up” at President Trump. A fan etiquette expert from Philadelphia said the proper behavior was to throw batteries or, if seated close enough to the President, vomit on him.

KMart in Australia pulled a children’s ‘Bride’ Halloween costume from its shelves after protests from parents. They say the costumes will either be destroyed, or shipped to Mississippi at the request of multiple wedding planners.

Actor/wrestler John Cena said that his dating philosophy isn’t ‘gender specific’ – that he’s willing to date both women and girls.

Caitlyn Jenner turned 70, but says she feels like a five-year-old woman.

Apple released iOS 13.2, including 398 new emoji, making it even easier for you to give up looking for the one you want.

Juul is eliminating 500 jobs. Impacted employees waiting to hear about their severance packages are being told “vape ’em if you got ’em.”

Director Olivia Wilde criticized Delta Airlines for showing an in-flight version of her film ‘Booksmart’ that edited out girls kissing and the word lesbian. A Delta spokesperson said the move was to distract people from the rest of the awful Delta inflight experience.

 

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A flight attendant is accusing two Southwest Airlines pilots of placing a hidden camera in an onboard lavatory and watching it on a cockpit iPad. She said she was instructed to let them know when passengers with seatbelt extenders got up so they could shut it off.

Researchers found that police and doctors are each getting less and less sleep. Said the lead researcher “cops are up late shooting people and doctors are up late fixing ’em up.”

Katie Hill, the first openly bisexual member of Congress, resigned amidst allegations of inappropriate relationships with staffers. Hill called resigning “the hardest thing I have ever had to do” a claim disputed the other members of a three-way she was in.

President Trump attended Game 5 of the World Series, and is already being sued for failing to pay for his ticket.

Celebrity chef Jose Garces threw out the first pitch of Game 5, after a half-hour wait.

Two Instagram models were caught during Game 5 flashing their breasts as Houston Astros pitcher Gerrit Cole was starting to throw a pitch. The women were banned from future games, and given a free week at the Trump International Hotel in D.C.

Kylie Jenner dressed her daughter Stormi as “Kylie Jenner” for Halloween. She said the hardest part was finding a doctor to inject lip filler into an 18-month-old.

One of the rarest Pokemon cards in existence sold at auction for $195,000. The card may be relisted after it was found the high bidder was two 9-year-olds stacked undgiveer a trenchcoat wearing a moustache and a fedora.

Jeff Bezos title of World’s Richest Man is reportedly at risk, due to the U.S. Government awarding a $10 billion contract to Microsoft – and because of Bezos ex-wife and current girlfriend deciding to go shopping together.

An off-duty NYPD cop arrived at home after midnight to find his wife with her personal trainer. The cop shot him after the trainer counted off 100 push-ups.

 

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A Philadelphia International Airport terminal was shut down by catering workers striking for better wages and health care. They expect the public’s enthusiastic support because everybody loves airline food.

A new Cleveland Clinic study offers definitive proof of lung damage from vaping, and overall damage from living in Cleveland.

Two passengers and their emotional support dogs were kicked off of a Norwegian Air flight after crew said the dogs showed signs of distress – specifically, piles of distress.

A study published in Nature documents what happens to the body when people stop eating meat. Subjects showed an increase in beneficial gut bacteria, and a decrease in whatever e.Coli is shutting down a Chipotle that week.

Fox Business Channel Stuart Varney spoke to the CEO of WD-40, who said that WD-40 stands for “water displacement, 40th formula.” Varney replied “how the hell did this guy get on the show?”

Facebook is launching Facebook News, which is expected to contribute tens of millions of dollars to the Russian economy.

A bear pushing a wheelbarrow attacked his handler during a performance in a Russian traveling circus. The bear was subdued but not killed, and has been assigned a career coach to guide him in better ways to ask for a raise.

Brett Favre told sports journalist Peter King he thinks he might’ve played in the NFL too long, adding “I think I might’ve played in the NFL too long.”

After being diagnosed with a pulmonary embolism, Dog the Bounty Hunter told Dr. Oz he’s stopped eating “white foods” like sugar, bread and pasta. Dog said he’s struggling, because he doesn’t have the right friends to recommend black foods.

Taylor Swift and Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote a new song for the film adaptation of ‘Cats’. It’s a lot of mean stuff about a tomcat who breaks it off with a girl cat.

President Trump said he’ll attend a Washington Nationals World Series game if it extends to Game 5. After that, he said he won’t be free until Game 9.

 

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A parking space in Hong Kong sold for almost a million dollars. Since it’s a parallel parking space, the owner is still trying to get in it.

180 locations of Destination Maternity and Mother Maternity stores are closing. Executives cite competition from online stores, and condoms.

A woman in England dubbed “Otter Lady” walks around her village with an otter perched on her shoulder, right next to what’s left of her ear and face on that side.

Procter & Gamble is removing the ‘woman’ symbol from Always feminine pads to be more inclusive toward trans women, and as they start a campaign touting their use as drink coasters.

Nearly two dozen Republican members of Congress barged into a closed-door impeachment hearing in protest, and because they heard they had muffins and coffee.

An Arkansas hunter was killed after being attacked by the deer he just shot. State fish & game officials condemned the senseless killing over just a buck .

Citing their correlation with some cancers, the FDA is recommending a “boxed warning” on labeling materials for breast implants – apparently because some women like to put their old implants in the box that the new ones came in.

Scientists claim rats taught to drive tiny cars showed higher emotional resilience and reduced stress levels. The rats driving alone showed reduced stress, but the ones with a partner questioning their route and asking for bathroom stops did not.

  • Several of the rats decided to stop driving after finding how much cheese they have to pay for auto insurance.

Pest control company Terminix ranked Philadelphia as the most bedbug-infested city in the U.S. The good news is Philly bugs are also the easiest to spot because they’re really fat.

A Canadian court ruled against a transgender woman who sued beauticians for discrimination because they wouldn’t do a Brazilian bikini wax on her penis and testicles. The beauticians claim they weren’t trained to wax male genitalia and besides, they just finished lunch.

 

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A man in Scranton PA is wanted for tricking a woman into selling him a used iPhone for a roll of bills containing two $1s, a $10, and a Million-Dollar Bill. The woman realized the Million Dollar Bill was a fake when she didn’t see Donald Trump’s picture on it.

Walmart’s Black Friday sales ad appears to have leaked online. The deals are so good, dirtbags and their extended families are practicing stampedes at the door to their barns.

The new National Hockey League team in Seattle announced its best season tickets will sell for $12,000 to over $15,000. While expensive, they say the average fan can afford it if they just cut out five or six $6 capuccinos a day.

Disneyland guests were exposed to the measles after an infected person visited the park last week. ‘It’s A Small World’ was quarantined since none of the child robots were vaccinated.

Four American Airlines flight attendants were arrested for money laundering at Miami airport, accused of carrying thousands of dollars in cash. During interrogation, each was given a small glass of Diet Coke but were not allowed to have the whole can.

Actor William H. Macy visited wife Felicity Huffman in prison, bringing her a script with a file in it.

A list of the 50 Worst Rappers has gone viral. Will Smith and MC Hammer were not on the list, leading to speculation that the list was created by Will Smith and MC Hammer.

‘Joker’ is set to become the highest-grossing R-rated movie ever released, at least until Marvel includes a nude scene in ‘Black Widow’ or ‘Captain Marvel 2’.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will commit $1 Billion toward creating affordable housing in California. The money will go to build 4 townhouses in San Francisco.

 

 

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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Researchers at Columbia University found stressed-out pregnant women are likelier to give birth to a girl. Men who want a son are advised to get a woman pregnant, then get lost.

The Paris Zoological Park is displaying a slimy organism, physarum polycephalum, that it calls “The Blob”. It’s a slimy bright-yellow organism that can heal itself and has 720 different sexes.  U.S. zoos may also display it, but will call it “Gender Fluid”.

Nickelodeon Universe – the U.S.’ largest indoor theme park – opens this week in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Employees are being trained to spot the difference between slime and vomit. [Story h/t to N.Y.]

Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia debuted Whizzy, the first cheesesteak mascot. Whizzy was introduced, then taken into custody for beating up a child wearing a NY Rangers jersey. [Story h/t to about thirty different people in Philadelphia.]

Morganna The Kissing Bandit – buxom baseball fan who ran onto the playing field to kiss players – said she was arrested 19 times…and strip-searched over 100 times.

Donald Trump decided not to hold the G7 Summit at his Trump Doral Resort in Florida, amidst criticism from Democrats, Republicans, and international leaders who want to stay at Disney World.

Senator Mitt Romney admitted that Twitter handle “Pierre Delecto” – used to defend Romney and express his opinions – was Romney himself. The account raised suspicion because no one believed a gay-sounding French guy would live in Utah.

Miley Cyrus said on Instagram “you don’t have to be gay, there are good people with dicks out there, you just got to find them”. Her message totally inspired lonely straight women, while totally confusing gay men.

Rafael Nadal married his longtime girlfriend. They did it three times on their wedding night: Six love, six love, six love.

The University of Oklahoma’s ‘Sooner Schooner’ – a horse-drawn carriage that celebrates touchdowns – toppled and crashed on Saturday. The student drivers were O…K…. and officials said it was bound to happen Sooner or later.

 

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Mark Zuckerberg said that Facebook’s policy allowing lies and misinformation in political ads is “something we have to live with”… like “spending millions for a wall around your house” or “selling personal information without consent”.

The first all-female spacewalk is taking place today — right after ‘Ellen’ so they’ll have some fun things to talk about!!

Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo negotiated a five-day cease-fire from Turkey.  [Mike drop]

  • Turkey did not, however, call it a cease fire. They referred to it as a “pause”…in killing innocent Kurdish people before steamrolling more of Syria.

New York’s City Council approved a plan to close Rikers Island and spend $8.7 billion to replace it with four high-rise prisons. They said they’ll recoup some of the money suckering tourists into thinking the jails are the Empire State Building.

  • They haven’t named the high-rise prisons, but the most popular suggestion so far is Trump Towers.

Jennifer Garner shared a video of her mammogram appointment, inspring women and disappointing creeps who disliked missing all the good parts.

Royal Caribbean banned a woman passenger for life for climbing onto the railing outside of her cabin to take a selfie. However, a spokesman for budget cruise line Carnival said she’s welcome on board their new ship Dangerous Selfie Of The Seas.

President Trump attended the ribbon-cutting of a new Louis Vuitton factory in Texas – opened to make enough luggage to carry all of Melania and Barron’s stuff when they finally ditch him.

Duchess of Sussex and new mom Meghan Markle told an interviewer “not many people have asked if I’m ok.” adding, “they also haven’t asked if I’m rich, and I am, so I guess I’m ok.”

American Airlines Captain Joe Weis, piloting his final flight for the airline, gave his flight wings pin to a 2-year-old on board, saying “NOW will you PLEASE stop crying?!”

Ethiopia opened its Imperial Palace to the public for the first time, at which point it was immediately stormed by thousands of Ethiopians wondering if they had anything to eat in there.

 

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A 7-year-old was caught vaping CBD oil at a Wisconsin grade school. The vape device was confiscated, and a teacher gave the student a few Marlboros to get through the day.

During a meeting on Syria, President Trump called Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi “a third-rate politician” in what Pelosi described as a “meltdown”. The House then passed a measure to give the President a time-out, but Senate leader Mitch McConnell refused to vote on it.

Chicago school teachers are planning to strike, leaving 360,000 students without the education they need to become successful gang leaders.

A new form of yoga, “rage yoga” combines traditional poses with alcohol, cursing and obscene gestures. Rage yoga formed when someone left the tv in a yoga studio turned on and tuned to a Philadelphia Eagles game.

Massimo Giannulli, husband of Lori Loughlin and codefendant in their college admissions scam trial, lost both of his parents this year. “It’s been a hard time” says a source close to the family. “Well, kinda” said Lori.

The United States men’s national soccer team lost to Canada for the first time in decades, and a hockey game didn’t even break out.

Flip or Flop’s Christina Anstead said that her six-week old newborn son, Hudson, will sometimes cry for hours straight. She said she’s tried everything to get him to stop – from changing the wall color to the flooring – and nothing’s worked.

An Iowa man found his basement flooded with five inches of fat and blood that had leaked in from a neighboring meat locker business. He was urged not to throw it out by Guy Fieri, because that’s where all the flavor is.

Researchers claim losing large amounts of weight later in life may increase the risk of premature death from heart disease. The study was funded by fat Italian grandmothers who think you look too skinny.

Six siblings in the Netherlands spent a decade in a basement bunker literally waiting for the end of the world before one escaped and ordered beers at a local bar. He chugged the beers after saying “it’s Doomsday somewhere.”

 

 

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Turkey rejected a U.S. call for immediate cease-fire in Syria, while the U.S. rejected a call for immediate cease-chop from Thanksgiving turkeys.

Police were called to the home of Ron Ely, star of 60s tv series Tarzan, after an elderly woman there had been shot and killed. “Me Tarzan. Need lawyer.” said Ely.

In Utah, a 190-pound mastiff dog named Floyd was rescued from a hiking trail after becoming too tired to walk. He has since been bombarded with questions from other dogs about how they can get out of long walks on steep hills.

The Washington Nationals swept the St Louis Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. They’ll face the winner of the Houston Astros/New York Yankees series, and hope fans of those teams actually buy tickets for games in Washington.

A lethal outbreak of Legionnaire’s Disease has been traced to inhalation of mist from a hot tub display at a North Carolina county fair – and to the prize-winning hogs bathing in the hot tubs.

Felicity Huffman has reported to prison for her two-week sentence, and is in talks with TLC to star in their newest reality series 14-Day Lesbian.

NASA unveiled a new unisex space suit. It contains compartments in the crotch and chest so both men & women astronauts can stuff them.

Bose is attempting to understand problems with its QC35II noise-cancelling headphones by visiting customers at home. So far their research has been slowed by people wearing them not hearing the doorbell.

A man was able to track down and stalk a Japanese pop star by determining her location from reflections in her eyes in her selfies. His story has been purchased by the producers of CSI:Tokyo.

Google debuted its latest smartphone, the Pixel 4, which can respond to hand gestures. No word on how it responds to the gesture of your hands flailing at it when you drop it.