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A study from the University of Alberta claims a glass of red wine has the same effect on the body as an hour at the gym. So congrats to all the stay-at-home moms putting in their five hours every day.

Conservative cable network Newsmax said the channel will not rebrand as ‘Trump TV’, but Donald Trump may get a show – that’s 23 hours long.

Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced a three-week pause on in-person learning and in-person dining, and an eight week pause on caring about Detroit Lions games except for when you’re bored on Thanksgiving.

An Alaska Airlines jet struck and killed a brown bear during landing at Alaska’s Yakutat Airport – ending the career of the longest-tenured baggage handler at Yakutat Airport.

A Belgian racing pigeon sold for $1.9 million to a Chinese businessman. The businessman then paid another $750 for a new suit after the pigeon shit on his.

Walmart is hiring “Health Ambassadors” to remind customers to wear a mask as they enter the store. Walmart said they’re similar to traditional greeters, only they’ve been screened for how well they take a punch.

Mattel released new ‘Barbie Extra’ dolls. The Extras are new body types, hair colors and skin tones – but still no nipples or genitals.

Tiger Woods carded a 10 on a par-3 at the Masters. It’s his ugliest 10 since Elin Nordegren bashed his car after reading his text messages in 2009.

NASA’s Curiosity rover snapped a stunning selfie on Mars – then slipped & fell to its death in a crater.

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MLB’s Miami Marlins hired the league’s first female general manager, Kim Ng. She’s charged with changing the team’s trajectory from lose ng to win ng.

A Pennsylvania judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump’s lawyers in a dispute regarding a deadline extension for a small amount of unverified ballots. This improves Team Trump’s record in post-election lawsuits to 1 win, 100 losses.

A pediatrician at a Louisiana children’s hospital was arrested for calling a teen girl the n-word, then punching her, in a racially motivated attack. The doctor was placed on leave, and the hospital is looking for a new Santa for the holiday party.

Mark Zuckerberg said Steve Bannon – who said Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Christopher Wray should be beheaded – “didn’t violate enough policies” for suspension from Facebook. However, Bannon was kicked out of the scrapbooking group where he posted his video.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela said she’s “really enjoying” her career as a sex worker – but added she could do without all of the clients in E.T. costumes.

The new MeowTalk app claims to translate cat’s meows in to one of nine requests. Eight of them are “I’m hungry” and the ninth one is “I’m getting hungry”.

Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz posted a photo with Tiffany Trump, putting to rest rumors that Tiffany Trump is transgender Matt Gaetz.

Over 130 Secret Service Agents are in quarantine or infected with COVID-19 in the wake of Donald Trump’s rallies and campaigning. Teenagers playing Call of Duty online are reportedly tired of getting their asses kicked.

South America’s Pantanal region – the world’s largest wetlands – is on fire. “Now what do we call it?” said environmentalists.

Seven passengers tested positive for coronavirus aboard the SeaDream1 – the first passenger cruise ship to relaunch since the pandemic. They’re being quarantined until they can be upgraded to the ship’s norovirus deck.

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Instagram made the first change to its home page in 10 years, making it easier on most users by simply adding a tab for Breasts.

Ring video doorbells were recalled for being a fire hazard. Dozens of Jehovah’s Witnesses were treated at emergency rooms for severely burned fingers.

Google Photos announced an end to unlimited free photo storage in 2021 – but they’re keeping an open mind for some nudes.

The Masters started Thursday in Augusta, Georgia. “Maybe I should go check on that Georgia recount” said Donald Trump.

Workers took several hours removing a nest of over 200 ‘murder hornet’ queens. The queens were removed, along with their dresses, heels, wigs and makeup.

The hearing-impaired community is voicing opposition to Joe Biden’s suggested sign-language name because of its similarity to the Crips gang sign. “I say keep it” said Biden, before puffing and passing a blunt to Vice President-elect Harris.

Facebook’s metric for ‘Violence & Incitement Trends’ is up 45%, due to the proliferation of pro-Trump and QAnon hashtags like #DraintheSwamp, #Trump2020, #WatchtheWater, and #McDelivery.

A Delaware woman was arrested for smashing an egg salad sandwich in the face of a 72-year-old female acquaintance. She faces charges of assault with a smelly disgusting weapon.

Amazon said its Alexa voice assistant will soon answer questions its users haven’t even asked yet — such as “who brought this ***king thing into the house?”

Following viral videos of the console supposedly billowing smoke, Microsoft warned users of the new Xbox Series X “not to blow vape smoke into your Xbox”. Apparently cannabis vapor makes it really hard for Halo’s Master Chief to shoot while wasted.

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Organizers announced Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC to support Donald Trump. Area managers are bracing for mile-long lines of buses at DC-area McDonald’s drive-thrus.

Johnny Depp resigned from his role as Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts film series. He’ll pocket several million dollars and start work in the new Abusive Beasts movies.

An Egyptian man holding a small fish in his teeth was rushed to an emergency room after the fish jumped in his mouth and lodged in his throat. Doctors were able to remove it, but only after waiting two hours danging worms on his lips.

A male contestant on The Bachelorette tested positive for COVID-19. He’s quarantining until the coronavirus is neutralized by gonorrhea.

A man claiming to have some of Charles Manson’s cremation ashes had them used in a $500 face tattoo. No word on why he went with a dolphin jumping over a rainbow.

A new study finds 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients develop mental illness within 90 days. The study followed four teenagers and Donald Trump.

The White House issued a statement in observance of Veterans Day, reminding Americans that today is for active duty vets – and that Suckers & Losers Day is in late May.

Georgia will conduct a full by-hand recount of all votes. The Secretary of State said that this will instill confidence when they’re done in 2022.

Chipotle opened its first digital-only restaurant, now that they’ve figured out how to digitize food borne illness.

Oprah’s Favorite Things arrived on Amazon. The only one of her Favorite Things that Amazon didn’t list is actually getting sh!t delivered in two days.

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Beyonce is partnering with Peloton on “various forms of fitness class curation” and “extra sturdy bicycle seats”.

Scooby-Doo co-creator Ken Spears passed away at age 82. No signs of foul play, but the gang is investigating the abandoned amusement park where his body was found just in case.

Donald Trump, Jr and girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are reportedly interested in taking over the GOP National Committee from current Chair Ronna McDaniel. They’re disappointed that large GOP donors don’t want lap dances from her.

NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine – an appointee of Donald Trump – said he will step down once Biden takes office. Biden plans to accept the resignation and told Bridenstine “may the Space Force be with you”.

Spotify is acquiring podcast hosting company Megaphone. Megaphone hosts over 5,000 podcasts reaching about 4,000 listeners.

Researchers say injectable drug cabotegravir is most effective at preventing women from contracting HIV from an infected partner. So, one injection, then all the unprotected injections they want after that.

General Motors will reintroduce the Hummer as an all-electric vehicle, but will limit sales to prevent rolling blackouts while owners recharge them.

The Masters golf tournament will be played this week. It’s unique in that it’s happening in November, and the star attraction is a black dude who actually voted for Trump.

Twitter may limit ‘Likes’ for posts containing misinformation. But stolen jokes and memes will still rack ’em up.

Ulta will open hundreds of makeup & beauty shops in Target stores. Not to be outdone, Walmart will open its own in-store makeup and beauty shops from Spirit Halloween.

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Nevada police are investigating a violent incident at Circus Circus Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, where three people were Shot Shot.

A man invented a robot that puts on and removes his contact lenses. The robot puts them on in the morning, and takes them out at night after they’ve finished having sex.

An 8-year-old Texas boy won $500 for capturing the Kid’s Division in the National Mullet Championship. The Adult Division was postponed due to conflicts with post-election militia meetings.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the presidential election. Jared Kushner asked him to reconsider, and Melania Trump asked him to accept defeat and divorce papers.

An earthquake was felt near Boston. Experts confirmed it was, in fact, a seismological event after learning the Patriots hadn’t lost again.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek passed away at age 80. His wife and heirs await the reading of his Final Jeopardy! to see what he wagered on each of them. [RIP Alex Trebek.]

McDonald’s will try out new automatic-order-taking lanes at drive-thrus, for the thousands of customers who have difficulty placing orders while drunk.

Pfizer claims to have a COVID-19 vaccine that’s 90% effective in human trials. They plan to release more details right after the 10th guy’s autopsy.

Jay & Kateri Schwandt of Grand Rapids, Michigan welcomed baby daughter Maggie, their first girl after having 14 sons. They expect toilet training to be a challenge, after Maggie repeatedly runs out of the bathroom when it’s finally her turn.

Columbia and Cornell University researchers have developed a nasal spray that kills the coronavirus – but you really, really need to like the smell of Lysol.

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A Key West, Florida man was arrested for pointing a gun at a driver who told him he had a small penis – in effect, proving the driver right.

Apple opened preorders for its newest iPhones – giving Americans one more thing they can get pissed off about waiting for.

The latest issue of Marvel Comics ‘Black Widow’ reveals the superheroine now has a son – and he is her Marvel Universe.

Facebook shut down pro-Trump group ‘Stop The Steal’, after they created potentially violent events. The founder said that, while the group had 300,000 members, the violent events only had 20 ‘Going’ and 299,980 ‘Interested’.

Denmark will kill over 17,000 minks after discovering a mutated coronavirus strain in them. Like it or not, a lot of Danish people are getting coats for Christmas.

Russian lawmakers are considering a bill that would give President Vladimir Putin lifelong immunity from prosecution. Its progress is being watched closely by You-Know-Who.

Former Creed drummer Scott Phillips said the group is talking about a reunion – mainly, talking about what a bad idea it is.

The world’s seventh-ranked men’s tennis player, Alexander Zverev, is defending himself against abuse claims from a former girlfriend. Zverev said she, too, was abusive, making the whole situation a double-fault.

CVS Pharmacy’s parent company beat 3rd quarter earnings forecasts. Shares of CVS stock grew several inches.

CNN said a Pornhub banner displayed on its Election Results video wall was not real, adding that it was intended to be shown alongside the Trump White House Victory Party.

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Comcast & Walmart are reportedly teaming up to develop and sell smart TVs. Or, TVs, anyway.

Florida is in the path of Tropical Storm Eta. It wasn’t at first, but Eta is a pretty big Biden supporter.

‘Platonic co-parenting’ is on the rise. Websites such as Modamily match individuals who want to raise a child together, but without marriage or a sexual relationship. Modamily.com’s biggest competitor is Divorce.

Anthropologists contend the human species survived because natural selection favored ‘nicer’ humans versus more aggressive Neanderthals. But they admit Neanderthal sex was probably a lot more fun.

A crate of oranges sold for $9,600 in Japan. Which is even more amazing when you find out they weren’t purchased at Whole Foods.

Fossils of a duckbill dinosaur were found in Africa, leading scientists to believe the species crossed oceans to get there. But the same fossils were found floating in the ocean, leading scientists to believe a lot of them weren’t exactly great swimmers.

A Lubbock, Texas Walmart employee announced she was quitting over the store’s public address system, calling male coworkers “perverts” and her boss a “big lazy bitch”. Her rant was deemed NSFW-EAW* [*Except At Walmart]

Kate Beckinsale posted a photo wearing a bra reading “VOTE”. Vote, Bra is also the official Election Day slogan of online influencers.

The City of Denver repealed a ban on pit bulls, making it legal for residents to own the breed. A last ditch appeal to keep the ban in place was filed by a lawyer representing toddlers holding hot dogs.

Delaware elected Sarah McBride, its first-ever transgender woman to the state House of Representatives. McBride says she now identifies as a “career politician”.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.

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A Russian oligarch called “Sausage King” was killed with a crossbow in his home sauna during a robbery. The first detective arriving on the scene guessed Professor Plum, with the carving knife, in the sauna, and lost the game of Russian Clue.

Lori Loughlin began serving her two-month sentence. She’ll remain in isolation for two weeks, then head straight to wardrobe for the now-sold-out prison Christmas Pageant.

Researchers believe Neanderthals and early humans were at war for over 100,000 years, as evidenced by newly-uncovered Neanderthal flags reading “Make Eurasia Great Again”.

Humans infected with COVID-19 take up to six months to develop immune cells to fight the virus. The immune cells would work faster, but they say it’s not like humans have any big plans anyway.

NASA sent commands to the Voyager 2 unmanned spacecraft – 11 billion miles from Earth – for the first time since its radio & antenna hardware were upgraded. Voyager 2 successfully replied “New phone who dis?”.

Researchers studying 900 of Van Gogh’s letters think he suffered from bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and delirium from alcohol withdrawal. One letter from his brother read “thanks for wrecking Thanksgiving dinner AGAIN, Vince”.

Many states have restrictions against apparel bearing campaign slogans at voting places. One exception is Mississippi, where you get the VIP treatment if you wear both a shirt and pants.

Beverly Hills, California is mobilizing its entire police force to combat Election Day violence. Critics say it’s unnecessary, and will actually contribute to crimes from people who just want to ride in the back of a Bentley patrol car.

A developer purchased Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach, Florida residence for $18 million, but plans to tear it down and build a new mansion. He’s giving Donald Trump and Bill Clinton thirty days to get their stuff out.

Electronics maker Wyze introduced a new high-definition video camera that costs just $20. It received Editors Choice awards from tech website CNET, and from the editor of Creepy High School Janitor magazine.