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IKEA debuted their Home of Tomorrow concept, envisioning how people will be living in the year 2050, when they finish assembling furniture they bought this week.

Columbus Police Officers subdued a non-violent double-amputee protestor and took off his prosthetic legs. “I’ll take one of those” said the lawyer he later hired to sue the cops.

The Barcelona Opera performed with an audience of 2,300 plants in their theatre’s seats. 1,900 of the plants died of boredom.

Comedian D.L. Hughley tested positive for COVID-19 after collapsing onstage during a performance at Zanies comedy club in Nashville. The club booked Rob Schneider for four shows this weekend to keep people away.

The National Hockey League will begin its Stanley Cup Playoff tournament on July 30th, in hub cities that can still make ice.

Michael Keaton is reportedly in talks to return as Batman in an upcoming movie about The Flash. The story centers around Batman mentoring The Flash during lightning-fast trips to and from the senior center.

A homeowner in Sunbury, PA spray-painted WIGHTE LIVES MATTER on their own picket fence. No charges were filed against the homeowner, Wilma Wighte.

A movement is underway to change the name of The Masters golf tournament, saying it’s rooted in slavery.  Ideas include reverting to its pre-1939 name, Augusta National Invitational, or the less-popular The Supervisors.

The Pennsylvania Board of Cosmetology is rejecting licenses for hair stylists and eyebrow technicians because of past misdemeanor criminal convictions. Residents are urged to keep a clean driving record and not steal if they want to ruin someone’s hair & makeup.

Email software company Boomerang claims emails that close with a “thankful message” are returned at a 36% higher rate. Also, emails that close with “go f*** yourself” are returned at a 98% higher rate.

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Johnny Depp/Alice Cooper/Joe Perry supergroup Hollywood Vampires postponed their 2020 European Tour, blaming potential exposure to COVID-19 and daylight.

The FDA warned that some hand sanitizers made in Mexico could contain toxic ingredients. Consumers should not buy or use new & improved Los Purellos with Lead.

McDonald’s is reportedly reconsidering the future of offering All-Day Breakfast, citing the complexity of frying an egg and putting it on an english muffin.

Disney Parks will make changes to the queues for its attractions when parks reopen in July. There will be no FastPass+, single rider lines, or virtual checkins – all guests will be required to stand in line and get sick together.

Philadelphia International Airport turned 80 years old. It’s celebrating by reuniting a 100-year-old passenger with the airport’s first-ever checked bag.

Arizona’s Dream City Church – site of the next Donald Trump rally – said they’ll be using technology that wipes out 99.9% of airborne coronavirus germs: old church lady perfume.

An 88-year-old Nashville liquor store owner had her handgun confiscated for two years after she injured a shoplifter with a shot in the back. Tennessee officials said when they return the gun, they hope her aim improves enough to kill shoplifters.

183,000 new cases – a daily record – of coronavirus were reported on Sunday, as the respiratory disease got its second wind.

Statues of catholic priest Juniperro Serra were toppled in Los Angeles and San Francisco. Serra started missions that imprisoned indigenous people to convert them to catholicism. That, and his statues somehow managed to molest young boys.

Donald Trump claimed his campaign received one million ticket requests for his Tulsa rally, yet only 6,200 showed up.  “Wow, that’s pretty good” said Facebook’s Director of Event Invites.

 

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McDonald’s announced it’s returning some items to the menu that had been cut for efficiency during the pandemic. Returning items include fully-cooked Quarter Pounders.

A part owner of the Golden State Warriors said his favorite interview question is asking a candidate to “think about something you love and teach it to me”.  He said it demonstrates creativity, and that it’s enabled him to learn a bunch of new sex positions.

Facebook removed some Trump ads for displaying an inverted red triangle – a symbol of organized hate. Then Facebook execs returned to counting the money they earn from disorganized hate.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop website is now selling a candle ‘This Smells Like My Orgasm” for $75. Expensive, but her past husbands and boyfriends have spent a lot more to smell it.

Blood type may play a role in which COVID-19 patients get sickest. So far, the worst blood types to have are ‘New Jersey’ and ‘Florida’.

A new study lists seven health benefits of walking – or, eight, if you count walking alone without your family.

Tesla released a software upgrade for its electric cars, including the ability to record self-facing video from the dashcam, so drivers can see what they look like when they’re getting carjacked.

JCPenney kicked off Going Out Of Business sales at 136 of its store locations, and Probably Going Out Of Business sales at the rest.

Fox News viewers took note of White House adviser Kellyanne Conway’s smoother facial features, leading to speculation that she’s enhanced her appearance with fillers, a facelift, or a third mortgage of her soul with the Devil.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, Mama June Shannon, admitted that she was addicted to drugs, with a $2,500-a-day meth habit. Her friends offered to get her into rehab, but first they offered to find her much better prices for meth.

 

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Brett Favre is charging $5000 for a 10-minute Zoom call via celebrity messaging service Cameo – or, $4000 if you’re a massage therapist and let him show you his penis.

The Trump Administration is suing to stop sales of a tell-all book from former National Security Adviser John Bolton, saying the book contains national security secrets. Although everyone could probably guess the Oval Office bathroom code is 1234.

A court found Shake Shack is not liable for three New York cops getting sick after eating there, saying most people are sick when they find out a cheeseburger and shake costs $17.

Amidst national protests and demands for police reform, many cops across the U.S. are quitting. Dunkin’ shares dropped 30% in early trading.

Google released special Pride Month ringtones for its Pixel mobile phones. So far, the most downloaded is “HEYYYY-ayyyyy’.

Quaker Foods announced a name change for Aunt Jemima products. The syrup will be offered in larger sizes to accommodate a label reading: ‘Your Black Mom’s Sister’s High-Fructose Imitation Maple Goo’.

American moms are saying kid-friendly all-white band The Wiggles need to diversify and add one or more minority members. The band has so far refused, saying racial integration is a Hot Potato.

‘That 70s Show’ actor Danny Masterson was arrested and charged with rape. “Way to go, dumbass” said Red Forman.

Lego launched interactive Super Mario playsets. The combined cost of all of them is nearly $600, leading Mario to complain about having to collect that many coins.

After a two-year investigation, a 34-year old Idaho woman was arrested and charged with having sex with underage boys. A spokesman for the boys called it “two pretty great years.”

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Kanye West applied to trademark Yeezy Cosmetics. He wanted to call them Kanye Cosmetics, but sister-in-law Kylie Jenner objected, saying Kylie Cosmetics customers would be confused because “Kylie” and “Kanye” are spelled the same.

Peloton will now allow users to register as nonbinary, but they’ll still kinda know depending on who hurts themselves sitting too hard on the bicycle seat.

Scientists say clothes will last longest using the shortest, coldest washing machine cycle. The exception being men’s white briefs, which should be thrown in the garbage.

Some Florida bars are closing for a second time, just a week after reopening. They made the decision after many customers got the 2-for-1 Special – free coronavirus, in addition to the usual chlamydia.

Some airlines are banning alcohol on planes in response to COVID-19, after multiple drunks almost choked to death puking in to their masks.

A new feature allows iPhone owners to say “Siri I’m getting pulled over” to start recording an interaction with police. It activates the video camera and stabilizes the image while you’re being harassed and beaten.

Country group Lady A – formerly Lady Antebellum – said they will keep their new name after conversations with a Seattle singer who’s called herself Lady A for 20 years. Seattle’s Lady A will begin calling herself The Artist Formerly Known As Prince.

USA Today published a list of 100 things its readers can do to help fight racism. First on their list is “learn to read”.

A generic steroid, dexamethasone, has been found to reduce mortality in patients with severe COVID-19 infections. Post recovery, they also hit 33% more home runs.

New Jersey is expanding a program to place power-generating wind turbines off the Jersey Shore. They expect the program to generate hundreds of jobs, and the turbines to blow dozens of mob-boss corpses on to shore beaches.

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WarnerMedia, owner of HBO, is renaming the ‘HBO Now’ app as ‘HBO’ and eliminating ‘HBO Go’ in favor of ‘HBO Max’ in an attempt to eliminate confusion surrounding the different brands. So, that oughta clear everything up.

New Jersey is requiring police officers that have been fired, suspended or faced disciplinary action to be identified to the general public. Police departments are asking if they can just give the list of cops that haven’t been fired, suspended or disciplined.

Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliott tested positive for COVID19, but is in recovery and feeling good. He wanted to thank Philadelphia Eagles fans for sending him cards and letters they’d coughed on.

For the first time ever, a professional video gamer will miss league play because of a thumb injury. He slammed it in the freezer door at his Mom’s house getting pizza rolls.

Taylor Swift said monuments to Confederate soldiers displayed in Tennessee “make her sick”. If the slavery part or seceding from the U.S.A. part aren’t enough for you to want to tear down statues ..there’s that.

The Supreme Court ruled 6-3 that LGBTQ workers are covered under existing civil rights protections against wrongful discrimination and termination. Writing for the majority, conservative justice Neil Gorsuch said “wait…what!?”.

Walmart is eliminating human cashiers in one of its stores in its founding city of Fayettville, Arkansas, claiming it’s easier denying health insurance to robots.

Scientists believe there are 36 intelligent alien civilizations in the Milky Way galaxy – all registered for mail-in voting in the November presidential election.

The Food & Drug Administration approved the first prescription video game, ‘EndeavorRX’ to treat ADHD in kids ages 8 to 12. Already, dozens of 9-and-10-year-olds have been rushed to emergency rooms for overdoses.

T-Mobile confirmed a massive voice and data outage yesterday, despite going unnoticed by most of their customers who considered it just another weekday.

 

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In recognition of Pride Month, producers at Nickelodeon announced that cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay. Specifically, he’s a Bikini Bottom.

A Wisconsin trainer at an Anytime Fitness gym was fired for creating an “I Can’t Breathe” workout. In addition to disrespecting the memory of George Floyd, the workout was considered too dangerous, since it was done while wearing a plastic bag on your head.

Burger King is adding Impossible Foods’ meatless sausage to its breakfast menu. It joins the Impossible Whopper as part of Burger King’s “Impossible To Eat” lineup.

Ground beef sold at Walmart is being recalled for possible E.coli contamination. Plant-based beef substitute is also being recalled for possible contamination with weed killer.

A British woman incubated and hatched three ducklings from eggs she purchased at a supermarket – but later claimed her omelet was terrible.

China removed the pangolin – an animal believed to be a coronavirus carrier – from its list of approved ingredients for ‘traditional Chinese medicine’.  However, they reassured citzens ground-up bat wings will still cure the common cold.

Donald Trump’s niece will write a tell-all book about him, making it an even one-hundred tell-all books about Trump in just four short years.

New Jersey entered Phase Two of its coronavirus recovery plan. Residents are still encouraged to wear face masks as well as eye masks to limit exposure to bikini and speedo clad Jersey Shore bathers who really shouldn’t be wearing them.

Dumbbells and weight plates are sold out at many retailers as gyms remain closed due to the coronavirus. Amazon delivery drivers are getting incredibly ripped throwing the packages on to porches.

90s virtual pet craze Tamagotchi is making a comeback. The Tamagotchi Wonder Garden pet sells for $60 – or, for $100 if you want to hire somebody to take care of it from 9 to 5.

 

 

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A Chicago woman in her 20s received a rare double-lung transplant after recovering from COVID-19. “What a set of lungs!” said men looking at her, for a different reason than usual.

A couple in Thailand was sentenced to 723 years in prison for pulling a scam on customers of their seafood restaurant. The scam was opening a Long John Silver’s.

A new book claims Melania Trump renegotiated her prenuptial agreement as a condition of moving to the White House. The contract’s White House Amendment was added just below the Banging Porn Stars Amendment.

Pro golfers gathered in Fort Worth, Texas for the Charles Schwab Challenge, as the PGA Tour resumed inaction.

Fox News evening host Sean Hannity is reportedly dating Fox & Friends morning host Ainsley Earhardt. Hannity would not confirm, saying “I do not discuss my personal life in public … only crazy conspiracy theories and bigotry.”

Seattle protestors took over several Capitol Hill city blocks to create a police-free Autonomous Zone. It has a smoking area, a medic station, several shrines to victims of police violence, and six Starbucks.

Kelly Clarkson filed for divorce from husband Brandon Blackstock. She changed the title of her hit song ‘Since U Been Gone’ to ‘Now That U Gone’.

Wayne Brady’s Instagram post – a Whose Line Is It Anyway? improv sketch about racism -has gone viral, marking the first time millions of people willingly watched improv.

Google’s video-calling app, Google Meet, rolled out noise cancellation to minimize background annoyances like dogs barking and keyboard clicks. Though some users claim noise cancellation results in their bosses’ ideas going silent.

Kylie and Kendall Jenner celebrated the five-year anniversary of their parent Caitlyn Jenner’s gender transition, which they commemorated with a platinum Life Alert bracelet.

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Following requests from a Missouri woman, Merriam-Webster will update its dictionary definition of ‘racism’ to include systemic discrimination. However, they declined to update their definition of ‘delicious’ despite repeated requests from executives at Arby’s.

A billionaire investor predicts a massive wave of upcoming unemployment for white-collar six-figure employees. But he also predicts a massive wave of day jobs for people helping carry cardboard boxes full of the laid-off workers’ stuff.

A 62-year-old woman in the U.K. says her fit, youthful appearance makes her a target of 20-something men who “hit up her Instagram like it’s Tinder.” The men are undeterred when they find out her age, because they really hate condoms.

Fox News’ Tucker Carlson ranted against a message of racial tolerance featuring Elmo and Louie – son and father Muppets, respectively – in a CNN Town Hall. It was so bad, longtime friend Oscar the Grouch cancelled his upcoming appearance on Carlson’s show.

Vandals beheaded a statue of Christopher Columbus in a Boston park. The head was found lying on the ground wearing a Yankees cap.

Local and state officials addressed growing concern over a surge in COVID-19 cases in Arizona, saying “yeah, but it’s a dry coronavirus.”

‘Happy Days’ star Anson Williams, who played Potsie Weber, filed for divorce from his wife of 30 years. Williams claims his wife will no longer “sit on it”.

Visitors to Florida from New York, New Jersey & Connecticut must quarantine for two weeks on arrival, angering those planning visits to Disney parks. As a compromise, Disney World said they could spend the two weeks on “It’s A Small World”.

Iggy Azalea confirmed she gave birth to a baby boy. She then rapped the boy’s name, but no one could understand what she was saying.

The NFL is considering the addition of a ‘sky judge’ – an additional referee that sits in the press box and uses replay video to make their own incorrect calls.

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SpaceX rockets are equipped with the same touchscreen software found on Android phones – only it’s called Mario Space Kart.

Nintendo revealed an additional 160,000 Nintendo ID accounts – used for login and payment – were stolen in April. They found out after spotting Bowser wearing a lot of gold chains.

Cities are using public sewer systems to gauge levels of COVID-19 infection. Their measurements are useful to track rises and falls in virus, as well as corn consumption.

The New York Times surveyed epidemiologists and found most won’t attend a live sporting event this year – leading over a dozen Major League Baseball teams to cancel their ever-popular Epidemiology Day.

Race car driver Bubba Wallace wants confederate flags banned from all NASCAR events. Wallace said “no one should feel uncomfortable” at races. “Or sober” said every NASCAR sponsor.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said the coronavirus is his “worst nightmare”. Then he paused and said “second-worst nightmare”.

Facebook is sponsoring a lounge at the Republican National Convention. ‘Going’ – replied thousands of Russians.

Paramount Network cancelled reality tv show Cops. It will be replaced by Protesters.

Cardi B used Instagram to show followers her natural hair – possibly for the first time since her stripper days.

The biggest-growth categories of alcohol sales during the pandemic lockdown were budget-priced beer and hard seltzer – also known as The His & Hers Domestic Dysfunction Kit.