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E! Network is ending ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’. NBA TV might pick it up, but then dump it once they get bored.

An Austrian man set a new record for spending over 2 1/2 hours in an ice bath – then spending 6 hours trying to coax his penis back outside of his body.

A shopping mall in King Of Prussia, Pennsylvania opened a COVID-19 boutique. Masks are required for everyone entering the store to shoplift masks.

#BoycottMulan is trending on Twitter, and with people who don’t have $30.

A drug administered to mice in outer space not only halted muscle and bone loss from zero gravity, it actually grew muscle mass. However, the mice stopped doing experiments and spent all their time oiling each other up and posing in the mirror.

Google launched operating system Android 11. Sadly, for the previous Android, being a 10 still wasn’t good enough.

Drugmaker Astra Zeneca halted human trials of its COVID-19 vaccine after one of the participants experienced an “unexpected illness” – which is what they call “death” during human vaccine trials.

NASA researchers discovered rust on the Moon. Apparently the Lunar Rover that’s been there since 1971 hasn’t been washed too often.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole wants him deposed for their divorce proceeding. “Why would she want me gettin’ deep hos?” asked Dre.

Tiger King’s Joe Exotic wrote a lengthy letter to Donald Trump asking to be pardoned because he claimed he’s been sexually assaulted in prison. Guards said that may be true, but only because Joe Exotic paid the guy a carton of cigarettes.

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Novak Djokovic was disqualified from the U.S. Open Tennis Championships after unintentionally hitting a female linesperson in the throat with a ball. Remaining players that Djokovic would have beaten thanked her for ‘taking one for the team’.

Scientists say COVID-19 may cause prolonged gut infections and gastrointestinal distress, which is why they suggest changing the name from coronavirus to chalupavirus.

A black man detained while jogging in Deltona, Florida because he fit a suspect description was released and was even offered a job at the sheriff’s department. He declined, because the job was detaining random black men.

Nintendo is celebrating Super Mario’s 35th Anniversary with rereleases of several classic games. Mario is also celebrating – dumping Princess Peach for someone a lot younger.

According to unnamed workers, Disney is understating the number of positive COVID-19 cases at its parks. They’re also frantically searching for a mouthpiece long enough to put Goofy on a ventilator.

‘Beverly Hills 90210’ actor Brian Austin Green – currently separated from wife Megan Fox – bought a preschool teacher’s entire Amazon Wishlist of essential school supplies. “I didn’t order a webcam and lingerie” she said when she opened the box.

U.S. dentists are seeing an epidemic of cracked teeth during the pandemic. They cite increased tooth grinding from stress, and couples finally settling their lockdown differences with fistfights.

Facebook is offering a select group of users $120 to deactivate their accounts at the end of September through the November election. Then they need to figure out how to convert the dollars to rubles.

Paris Hilton claims in a new YouTube documentary about her life that she was physically and emotionally abused at a Utah boarding school. However, her roommates say the same thing about having to listen to her sing and DJ.

Facebook has stopped Alain Cocq, a 57-year-old French man, from livestreaming his dying days from an incurable illness. Mark Zuckerberg justified the action, saying there are plenty of other sites where you can see sick Cocqs.

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Taco Bell is removing Mexican Pizza from their menu, as part of a broader strategy to eliminate oxymorons.

Dr. Dre’s wife Nicole Young is asking for $2 million per month in temporary spousal support during their divorce. She said she needs it to tide her over until the divorce is finalized and she gets $4 million a month.

Bill Belichick appears in a new ad for Subway sandwich shops. Meanwhile, New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft asks a judge not to release the video he shot at an Asian place.

McDonald’s is naming a value meal after rapper Travis Scott. It’s a Quarter Pounder with Cheese, fries, Sprite, and a barbecue dipping sauce. And you eat it with a girl you’re seeing behind Kylie Jenner’s back.

The LPGA women’s golf tour is allowing caddies to use carts for bags at the tournament in Rancho Mirage, California, where temperatures could reach 110 degrees. They can also use the cart to carry their golfer to the medical tent after their heat stroke.

Mikal Smith, son of University of Illinois football coach Lovie Smith, was arrested on charges of being a pimp. Like his dad, he offers young men full rides, but they’re not exactly scholarships.

Jeopardy! champion Ken Jennings is joining the show as a producer. Speculation is that he may take over for Alex Trebek, after they answer the question “What are…you paying me?”.

The FBI raided a Pennsylvania nursing home where hundreds caught coronavirus. “Put your hands up!” shouted agents. “I can’t!” said residents.

Two Beijing apartments owned by Jackie Chan have been seized and will be put up for auction. Chan and his family have reportedly been spun around, chopped, flipped, and finally kicked out.

A new study claims that 100 common drugs used to treat everything from colds to blood pressure carry a risk of memory problems. So don’t forget to take your pill – or, take your pill and forget.

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Facebook announced they’ll block any new political or issue ads in the week before the November 3rd election. In response, the Russian government announced they’re taking that week off.

Samsung announced the Galaxy Fit 2, a fitness tracker that will run for two weeks on a single charge – which is two weeks more running than the people who get it as a gift.

Two gigantic black holes collided and collapsed into one another, forming a single, massive black hole 150 times more massive than the Earth’s sun. Donald Trump declared the new black hole a terror organization and called on supporters to kill it.

The Centers for Disease Control is telling U.S. states to prepare for distribution of a COVID-19 vaccine by early November. They’re offering free shipping, and free returns when they learn it doesn’t work.

Chili’s restaurant is honoring the start of the new school year with a $5 “Jack To School” margarita, made with Jack Daniels, tequila, sour mix and sugar. They’ll even deliver it to homeschooling parents starting at 9a.m. each weekday.

New York City reopened traditional gyms with new safety guidelines, but group fitness classes are still prohibited. Women are adjusting to the new normal of being hit on from six feet away.

A man fishing the Sacramento River in California hooked what turned out to be a live pipe bomb. But since he’s a catch-and-release fisherman, he returned it and blew up a dozen trout and both his feet.

150 guests tested positive for COVID-19 at the world’s largest nudist resort in France. Health officials blame the guests’ refusal to wear masks on their face and buttocks.

An Amazon delivery driver saved a drowning dog in Massachusetts. The dog will be reunited with its owner in about a week since they’re not a Prime member.

Walmart launched a $98 subscription membership service to compete with Amazon Prime. They plan to launch a competing video service as soon as Madea and Larry the Cable Guy can finish 20 more movies each.

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Sarah Huckabee Sanders claims in a new memoir that Kim Jong Un ‘winked’ at her during a summit. A North Korean spokesman disputes this, stating Sanders was chewing an Arby’s Big Montana with her mouth open and it flew into Kim’s eye.

New analysis shows hospitalized COVID-19 patients respond favorably to steroid treatments, with most gaining enough strength to bench-press their ventilator.

Michael Jordan acquired an ownership stake in online wagering service DraftKings, then lost it later that day betting a guy who beat him at golf.

Donald Trump said in an interview that police officers like the one who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back “choke” like golfers missing a short putt. Racist cops disagreed, saying they usually choke suspects first, then shoot.

Website WalletHub ranked Philadelphia the second-worst city in the nation to drive. The worst city is Whatever One Takes You In To Philadelphia.

Melania Trump’s former adviser Stephanie Winston-Wolcott claims Melania used private email accounts to conduct official White House business. Melania said it was just easier selling her Oval Office nude photos using Gmail.

Airliners approaching & departing LAX reported seeing a man in a jetpack at an altitude of about 3,000 feet. Spirit Airlines then said he was the only guy booked on a flight so they let him fly self-service.

YouTube vlogger Caleb Simpson and a friend rode white go-karts through New York City while dressed as Mario and Luigi to recreate Mario Kart. Police arrested a person of interest chasing them while tossing bob-bombs.

A new analysis names MacKenzie Scott, ex-wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, as the Wealthiest Woman In The World. Authors of the analysis are being asked for her address by Jerry Falwell, Jr’s old poolboy.

A Dutch inventor claims to have created a solar-powered handheld gaming console. Now when parents tell their lazy kids to “go outside”, they’ll have something they want to do.

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Scott Atlas – new pandemic adviser to the Trump administration – is pushing a controversial ‘herd immunity’ theory to limit COVID-19 fatalities. Asked for details, Atlas said he herd it worked in Sweden.

Today is Women’s Golf Day 2020! Just ask any of the pissed off foursomes of grumpy male retirees playing behind them this afternoon.

A judge ruled that Georgia ballots mailed by Election Day must be counted. Paired with slowed post office deliveries, election officials are planning a pajama party for Christmas Eve.

Google launched Google Kids Space, a kids mode on Android tablets that provides kid-safe apps, videos and games for children wondering why their parents didn’t get them an iPad instead.

Grand Prix motorcycle racer Miguel Oliveira,24, plans to marry his stepsister Andreia Pimenta, 25. They met in their early teens when his father married her mother, so they’re just making it official after living together ten years.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil’s new body shape can be seen in a photo taken with his father that he posted to social media. Fans describe the new shape as “still kinda round, but less gross”.

A study of mice determined that regular aerobic exercise increases the body’s ability to cope in times of stress. The study also found that mice really love Zumba.

A man in Brisbane, Australia returned home to find two large carpet python snakes fell through his kitchen ceiling. Like most visitors, the snakes were disappointed with the food selection in the bachelor’s kitchen.

New Zealander Lucky Diamond Rich – recognized by Guinness World Records as the world’s most tattooed man – told Guinness “I don’t regret anything”. However, the person who inked his genitals and inner buttocks has a regret or two.

Elon Musk’s new company, Neuralink, demonstrated its technology with a computer link installed in a pig’s brain. Musk said the technology is capable of summoning a Tesla with brain waves, but is being refined after the pig crashed three cars.

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Brad Pitt, 56, is reportedly dating 27-year-old Nicole Poturalski. She’s married to 68-year-old restaurant owner Roland Mary, but they supposedly have an ‘open’ relationship. So, Roland Mary should be open to getting dumped.

Researchers find that people could get help losing weight if they eat their own fecal microbiome. Or, if they want to eat others’ fecal microbiome and not lose weight, they can stick with Chipotle.

The Jacksonville Jaguars surprisingly cut starting running back Leonard Fournette. Fournette was last seen happily rushing for several thousand yards out of Jacksonville.

American Bryan Piccioli leads all competitors in the World Series of Poker, which is taking place online for the first time. Piccioli credits being able to stay relaxed by watching porn at the same time.

French tennis player Benoit Paire tested positive for COVID-19 ‘inside the bubble’ at the U.S. Open. He’s been called “out”.

A 3-year-old Taiwanese girl was caught in a giant kite during a kite-flying festival, sending her high into the air. The girl landed safely with two arms, two legs and a new tail.

A TikTok user shared video showing a McDonald’s hamburger and fries stored in her closet for 25 years. The food hadn’t decomposed, but her grandkids still refuse to have lunch at her house.

Katy Perry shared an unfiltered postpartum selfie wearing a breast-pumping bra and disposable underwear. Baby daddy Orlando Bloom saw it and filed for divorce, but then remembered they’re not married yet.

Google Maps is testing showing traffic lights on streets. Drivers are looking forward to staring at their phone to see if the light turned green.

A new study found hotel elevator buttons have 700 times more germs than a household toilet seat – and about 10,000 times fewer germs than the underside of a household toilet seat.

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Department store Lord & Taylor is closing all of its stores. “Good Lord!” said Taylor.

IKEA is partnering with LEGO, so you can have a second meltdown when you step on the pieces of furniture you can’t put together.

‘Sister Sister’ actor Marques Houston married Miya Dickey in a private ceremony. The pastor asked Houston “Do you take Miya Dickey?..”, then, that night, Houston asked his wife the same thing.

Paris, France will mandate face masks for all pedestrians and cyclists starting today. Parisians are generally okay with it since masks lessen the intensity from citizens who still won’t wear deodorant.

Career management site The Ladders listed industries least likely to hire workers over age 45. The industry least like to hire aging workers is Manufacturing; the place most likely to employ aging workers is The White House.

Because of underwater free-dive training for upcoming ‘Avatar’ sequels, Kate Winslet said she can hold her breath for seven minutes. She said it also comes in handy on the days when the crew is served burritos.

Fox Networks has delayed the premiere of reality show ‘Masterchef Jr.’, citing the coronavirus pandemic, and judges getting sick after eating Play-Doh.

Amid a bitter divorce battle, Dr Dre’s estranged wife Nicole Young won’t give him back his gun, his motorcycle or his golf clubs. Dre is reportedly very frustrated as he tries to finish a diss track that rhymes words for ‘gun’, ‘motorcycle’ and ‘golf clubs’.

New Jersey will honor transgender activist Marsha P Johnson with a monument. The monument will be accessible from both directions on the New Jersey Turnpike and will contain a Roy Rogers, a Starbucks and a Sbarro.

Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky said he was assaulted by an angry mob outside of the White House after the Republican National Convention. He said if he wanted to get beat up, he can stay home and let his neighbor do it again.

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Describing the lesbian sex scene she choreographed in a new film ‘Ammonite’, Kate Winslet said “it’s not like eating a sandwich” – to the disappointment of straight men practicing foreplay wolfing hoagies at Jersey Mike’s.

Diva actress Lea Michele shared the first photo of her new baby, as the infant belittled other babies in the hospital nursery.

Amazon introduced the Halo, a new wearable fitness tracker. You can opt for the basic health data package or upgrade to Amazon Halo Prime, which shows movies of you naked to help you lose weight.

Firefighters battling wildfires in California’s Marin County are assisted by a 2-year-old golden retriever, Kerith, a crisis response therapy animal. Kerith was almost fired, however, for eating the inventory at chicken barbecue fundraisers.

Microsoft introduced its new foldable smartphone, the Surface Duo. It goes on sale in September for $1,399, then less when they decide to leave the smartphone market again in October.

Mike Pence promised a COVID-19 vaccine by year’s end. Asked if he’ll get one, he said Mother told him “we’ll see”.

Katy Perry gave birth to a baby girl, Daisy Dove Bloom. It’s her first child, and third DD.

Macaulay Culkin turned 40, according to the affidavit filed for his testimony at the Wet Bandits parole hearing.

Snoop Dogg is introducing his first-ever wine, Snoop’s Cali Red. It costs $12/bottle, and he recommends pairing it with a different wine that costs $3/bottle.

Delta is adding in-flight hand-sanitizing stations, which passengers can use after their in-flight fistfights over wearing masks.

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Domino’s added chicken taco pizza to their menu. They say it’s for customers who want to eat pizza, but stil feel like they got sick from Mexican food.

Melania Trump addressed the Republican National Convention, saying Americans “deserve total honesty” from a president. Donald Trump then congratulated her on the great speech she totally wrote by herself because he loves her for her brain.

Secretary of State Mike Pompeo gave a prerecorded RNC speech from a diplomatic visit to Jerusalem. “Good evening. Man. There are a LOT of Jews here..” he said.

Jerry Falwell Jr. resigned as president of Liberty University amidst a sex scandal. He’ll receive a $10.5 million buyout and a new pool boy.

After spending 92 years on the index, Exxon Mobil stock was removed from the Dow Jones Industrial Average, as its earnings ran out of gas.

Elon Musk is promising a demo of a ‘Neuralink’ – believed to be a way of controlling machines with brain waves. After the demo, preorders for Neuralink-enabled love dolls open up on the Tesla online store.

A new study recommends that people with a positive COVID-19 diagnosis stop exercising for two weeks. “I better get tested” said a 450-pound person on their couch.

Britney Spears’ kid sister, Jamie Lynn, is now a trustee to the conservatorship that controls Britney’s finances. Jamie Lynn said she plans to responsibly steer more of the investments toward shoes and cute tops.

The NFL is reexamining 77 players’ COVID-19 tests from a New Jersey lab after a rash of false positives. Results are slow in coming, because after each, an NFL official flips on a mic and announces “after further review..”.

Sean Connery turned 90. He had a glass of Metamucil “shaken, not stirred”, so it was incredibly lumpy.