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Firefighters battling California’s Dixie wildfire report some property owners pointing guns at them as they try to rescue them from the approaching flames. Firefighters also didn’t know the Bloods and Crips own clubhouses near the fire.

The National Labor Relations Board reaffirmed the right of unions to put Scabby, the giant inflatable rat, in front of businesses using non-union labor. Local health departments will, however, still oppose giant non-inflatable rats inside of restaurants.

The U.S. Senate is set to approve a massive $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which is estimated to be enough money to repair one-third of the potholes in and around Philadelphia.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is asking hospitals to halt non-urgent procedures as COVID-19 cases soar in the state – risking an untimely halt to Texas’ massive cheerleader boob job industry before the start of football season.

Blake Moynes got engaged to The Bachelorette Katie Thurston on the show’s season finale, after Thurston ended a romance with another contestant, Justin Glaze, and a third contestant, Greg Grippo, quit. The couple are reportedly still engaged, at least until Thurston can track down one of the other two guys.

Fox Network’s Fantasy Island reboot premieres tonight, as Donald Trump demands to know how he can get on the show.

Harrison Ford vacationed in Croatia as he recovers from an injury suffered on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Joint Replacement.

Twitter suspended Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene for spreading misinformation about vaccines. She’ll be reinstated in a week so she can resume spreading misinformation about vaccines.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards, a frontrunner to become permanent host, allegedly has a history of sexual harassment and poor workplace behavior. He admits he’s stronger in some categories and weaker in others.

Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is selling an NFT of her “Not Impressed” meme-face from her silver medal ceremony in 2012. It could sell for a 5-figure price, then be shown off by its owner to people making the Not Impressed face.

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Vanderpump Rules star Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora Todd, is pregnant. Suffice to say someone opened her box.

California’s Dixie wildfire is now the second-largest in state history. Those in Dixie land who take their stand are, generally, dying in Dixie.

Following Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham selling the rights to their music catalogs for tens of millions, Fleetwood Mac keyboardist Christine McVie sold her song rights. She used the proceeds to buy new tires for her Camry.

Greece has also been experiencing devastating wildfires. Large cargo planes have been dropping oatmeal and baking soda, since that’s how you extinguish a Greece fire.

Embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo – facing sexual harassment accusations from 11 women – had his top assistant, Secretary Melissa DeRosa, resign. DeRosa said she was tired of being 12th on the Governor’s list.

Olympian Simone Biles wowed Instagram followers with a bikini photo and a new braided hairstyle she’s calling the Twisty.

Philip Morris International – maker of Marlboro and other tobacco cigarettes – said they’ll stop selling Marlboros in the U.K. in ten years. Meanwhile, middle-aged cowboys are reportedly auditioning for print ads featuring the Narlboro Man.

Germany’s modern pentathlon coach Kim Raisner was disqualified from the Tokyo Olympics for punching a horse that refused to jump during equestrian events. The horse also reportedly refused a bouquet of carrots Raisner sent to it.

Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica won a silver medal in equestrian competition at the Tokyo Olympic games. The horse praised Jessica for strapping her hands across his engines.

A Colorado Rockies fan, accused of yelling the n-word at a Miami Marlins player, may have actually been saying “Dinger”, the name of the team’s dinosaur mascot. For the record, Dinger clarified that he’s actually purple, not black.

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Florida Governor Ron Desantis blamed the state’s surging COVID-19 infections and hospitalizations on immigrants. “Technically, we’re from Louisiana” said the immigrants.

Donald Trump is planning to sell gold-plated ‘Trump Cards’ to supporters on his mailing list. It’s unclear what benefit the cards provide, although there’s speculation they earn points at the prison stores where January 6th rioters are jailed.

Bill Gates said it was a “huge mistake” spending time with Jeffrey Epstein, adding how embarrassed he was when underage girls would laugh when he tried giving them Zunes as gifts.

Meghan Markle turned 40, earning the new title Duchess Cougar of Sussex.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards is reportedly in advanced negotiations to become the game show’s permanent host, after his failed tryout for quarterback at Green Bay Packers camp.

Hawaii plans to limit the number of tourists to the island of Oahu. “Mahalo” now means “thanks for staying away”.

Rolling Stones drummer Charlie Watts said he’ll be unavailable to join the group on their fall tour, leaving the band scrambling to find an 80-year-old drum machine to fill in.

Both Chevrolet and Hyundai issued massive recalls to replace batteries on electric vehicles – or, in some cases, just rotate them 180 degrees so the + and – line up.

New research claims people spend over 50% of their time not being ‘in the moment’. The number increases to 98% while they’re having sex and imagining someone else.

Richard Trumka, President of labor union AFL-CIO, passed away at age 72. His burial is scheduled for whenever the concrete pilings are poured for the next big football stadium that gets built.

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Wild deer have been found with coronavirus antibodies. The deer feel pretty good about their chances with COVID-19, they just wish people would stop shooting them and hitting them with cars.

Former Fleetwood Mac guitarist/vocalist Lindsey Buckingham said in an interview that “almost everyone” would be happy to have him back in the band. He wouldn’t articulate who wouldn’t want him back, but it rhymes with Skeevy Ticks.

Guns N’ Roses kicked off a new tour. Shares of the company that owns Jack Daniels rose 2000% in early trading.

A new study links alcohol use to cancer. People find out they have cancer, then get loaded.

The owner of Scholastic, who died suddenly in June, left the $1.2 billion educational publishing company to his former lover and cut his family out of his will. It’s being called Scholastic’s hardest lesson.

Flight attendants on a Frontier Airlines flight duct-taped an unruly passenger to his seat after he groped their breasts and punched one. Spirit Airlines expressed regret at losing one of their Platinum Elite frequent-flyer members.

ABC Network announced that all of the American Idol judges & host – Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie & Ryan Seacrest – will return next season. Which is more than you can say for the winner of American Idol, who everyone’s forgotten already.

CVS Pharmacy raised its minimum wage to $15 and eliminated education requirements for some positions. They were immediately flooded with applications from high-school dropouts for jobs handling drugs.

Barack Obama canceled his planned 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard due to surging COVID-19 cases. So Donald Trump shipped the gift-wrapped box of dog poop to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo instead.

Visitors to New Jersey shore beaches have been marveling at how clear the water has been recently, saying you can now see all the medical waste, and the stream when nearby swimmers are pissing.

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Samantha Ramsdell of Connecticut – who shares videos stuffing whole sandwiches in her mouth – is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the Woman with World’s Largest Mouth. Guinesss named 2 billion other women runners-up.

Molson Coors is discontinuing 11 budget beer brands, including Keystone Ice, Miller High Life Light and others. They still plan to make the beers, but label them as Sweatsock-Flavored Hard Seltzer.

GOP Senator Lindsey Graham, who is vaccinated against COVID-19, announced he has a ‘breakthrough infection’ of the virus. This surprised observers who assumed Graham’s next breakthrough infection would be bathhouse gonorrhea.

The CDC added 16 destinations to a list of places with “very high” likelihood of COVID-19 transmission, including Greece, Ireland, and Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Crossfit gym.

A woman on a Cape Cod, Massachusetts beach fought off an approaching coyote with a stick before she was rescured by a fisherman. The woman thanked the manufacturers of ACME sticks, whose products reliably foil coyote attacks.

A couple bought a Skippack, Pennsylvania farmhouse and found a colony of 450,000 bees living in the walls that had been there for an estimated 35 years. The bees were moved to a farm, where they’re glad they don’t have to pay property taxes anymore.

Rapper DaBaby apologized for inflammatory anti-gay remarks he made from the stage at the Rolling Loud music festival. He says it’s about time he started acting like DaGrownup.

Wrestling legend Ric Flair has been released from his contract by promoter Vince McMahon’s WWE. Flair now requires a chair lift to get to the top of the turnbuckle.

Jeff Bezos is no longer the World’s Richest Person after his net worth dropped $13.5 billion due to an Amazon share price drop amidst disappointing earnings. Bezos, for now, yields the title to Some Other Arrogant Asshole.

New York City restaurants will require proof of vaccination before diners will be seated indoors after waiting an hour to sit next to the restrooms.

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Bruce Springsteen reportedly turned down a request to name a New Jersey Turnpike rest area after him. Travelers will miss out on the chance to get sick in the bathroom of the Bruce Springsteen Roy Rogers.

Evictions are expected to spike as a pandemic moratorium ends. Homeless people are cashing in by listing their appliance boxes and tarps on AirBNB.

The owners of the NFL’s Buffalo Bills are reportedly asking for over $1 billion in taxpayer money to fully fund a new stadium. One proposal calls for taxes on Buffalo tourism destinations, which would generate the money in about 1 million years.

The U.S. Women’s National Soccer team lost its Olympic semifinal match to Canada, 1-0. The crushing defeat deals a serious blow to the promotional plans of Subway and multiple feminine hygiene brands.

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Odell Beckham, Jr spent $1.8 million on new porcelain dental veneers framed with 13-carat diamonds. Beckham’s teammates claim he has horrible breath since he can only get his teeth brushed at a jewelry store.

ZZ Top frontman Billy Gibbons said that the deteriorating health of late bassist Dusty Hill was “a real big challenge”; adding that Hill dying is “an even bigger challenge”.

Google Translate will launch a new update, making it even easier for American jerks to argue over the timeliness and acccuracy of their ethnic food deliveries.

New York City officials ordered the removal of a two-story outdoor dining structure built by restaurant The Izakaya NYC. The structure violated building codes, and several people suffered broken limbs walking around looking for the 2nd-floor restroom.

A man pleaded guilty to the 1971 theft of a Revolutionary War rifle from the Valley Forge Historical Park Visitor Center. The rifle will be returned to the Center once restoration experts remove the Lynyrd Skynyrd and Toby Keith stickers from it.

Matt Damon said that he’s “retired” the word ‘f*ggot’ from his vocabulary over objections from his daughters, but now he needs new nicknames for Ben Affleck and George Clooney.

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Five employees were injured when a tornado ripped through Faulkner GMC/Buick in the Philadelphia suburbs. Owners, however, wanted to clarify that this is not to be confused with their End-Of-July Tornado of Savings Event.

The first wave of Afghanistan evacuees – residents who helped U.S. Troops – arrived in Virginia. They were treated to tours of Colonial Williamsburg, and immediately asked to go back to Afghanistan.

A woman broke the world record by delivering nine babies. She’s planning to feed them with a breast pump attached to a sprinkler.

House Republicans are protesting the mask mandate by walking to the Senate chamber, where masks aren’t required, and where Congressman Matt Gaetz heard it was the Senate’s ‘Take Your Daughter To Work’ Day.

Los Angeles approved an ordinance criminalizing homelessness. Homeless people are turning themselves in on days where they like the menu at the county jail.

People in Missouri are wearing disguises to get COVID-19 vaccines so their conservative friends won’t shun them. Missouri’s Department of Health said they’ve issued a record number of vaccine cards to Frankenstein, Freddy Krueger & Jason Voorhees.

Scarlett Johansson is suing Disney, saying their decision to co-premiere Marvel Studios ‘Black Widow’ on Disney+ led to her losing out on back-end compensation. The lawsuit appears ugly, and also jeopardizes Johansson’s upcoming role in ‘That Darn Cat 2’.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Ali Fedotowski, 36, told her Instagram followers that she contracted shingles. She said it surprised her because of her age, and because she’s never been on a roof in her entire life.

The Winklevoss Twins band played their first live gig. They call themselves The Righteous Brothers because they thought of it first.

Donald Trump is selling one of his personal helicopters. No selling price is listed, but its estimated value is around $1 million – minus whatever it costs to get the smells of McDonald’s and bronzer out of it.

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Twisted Sister’s Dee Snider experienced a ‘breakthrough’ case of COVID-19, and believes he caught it from his wife taking their grandchildren to Disney World, citing lax mask and vaccine enforcement. “We’re not gonna take that!” screamed Goofy.

ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill passed away unexpectedly at age 72. Insiders expect an open casket, and every girl looking at him to be crazy about him.

Celebrity sommelier Caleb Ganzer was arrested for setting fire to outdoor dining structures and garbage in Manhattan. Ganzer would set small fires, see if he liked them, then make a bigger fire in the same spot.

Children have discovered how to fake a positive COVID-19 test by dripping juice or soft drinks on the swab in order to get out of going to school. Although some kids have been rushed to hospitals for emergency cancer treatment after tricking the test using Mountain Dew.

A TripAdvisor reviewer gave a Marriott resort in Mexico a one-star review after watching a crocodile drag a woman into the ocean. Fellow guests rescued the woman, and the crocodile gave the resort a five-star review.

Men digging a well in Sri Lanka unearthed a 2.5 million carat sapphire cluster worth $100 million. In other news, Kim Kardashian announced her engagement to a Sri Lankan ditch digger.

Restaurants across the country are starting to require proof of vaccination for indoor dining. Arby’s is not requiring proof of vaccination, but is requiring diners sign a liability waiver.

Athletes & celebrities such as Justin Bieber, Ronda Rousey and Michael Phelps shared messages of support for Simone Biles who withdrew from some Olympic events to focus on mental health. Meanwhile, baristas are stepping away from drink orders to focus on their mental health and getting immediately fired.

Police say a Parisian jewel thief was able to escape on an electric scooter because starstruck pedestrians were distracted seeing Jean-Claude Van Damme in an adjacent shop. Van Damme stuck around to report a stolen electric scooter.

Infomercial pioneer Ron Popeil passed away at age 86. No funeral was announced, but what if I told you there was a second funeral, and all you pay for is shipping?

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Walmart announced they’ll pay worker’s full college tuition & book costs at 10 education partners, provided they continue to maintain at least a part-time schedule and live below the poverty line.

Vermont has the greatest percentage of adult residents with at least one COVID-19 vaccine, 83.2%. Officials say more adult residents would be vaccinated, but it’s difficult to get close enough to the bears.

Susan Wright, a Trump-endorsed candidate for the Texas U.S. House seat vacated by her dead husband, lost to fellow Republican Jake Ellzey. Wright gave a concession speech, conceding that the election was rigged and urging her followers to riot.

A North Dakota man was arrested for attempting to choke his girlfriend to death with a yo-yo string. She managed to escape because he couldn’t resist showing off his other tricks in-between attacks.

The CDC reinstated a recommendation to wear face masks indoors in areas of high transmission and low vaccination rates. Little kids in Florida will have to identify Disney Princesses by their dress and hair color.

Sydney, Australia extended its COVID-19 lockdown for four weeks due to a surge in cases. Residents won’t have a g’day until nex’month.

Simone Biles withdrew from the Individual All-Around gymnastics competition at the Tokyo Olympics to focus on her mental health. Several Olympic tennis players withdrew from their matches to focus on their dehydration and heat stroke.

McCormick recalled several varieties of Italian seasonings for possible salmonella contamination. They advise returning them or throwing them away, and using it as an excuse to skip Sunday dinner at your Italian grandmother’s house.

Hayli’s Law passed the Illinois Senate, allowing children under age 16 to operate a lemonade stand without a license or government interference. After the law passed, Hayli started adding vodka to the lemonade and now owns three houses and a boat.

Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher said that they rarely take full baths or showers, and bathe their children sparingly. Kunis’ ‘Bad Moms 3’ will be a documentary.

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After a man shot several people at a party in Fort Worth, Texas, partygoers defended themselves by throwing garden stones at the shooter, killing him. The police report lists the witnesses as Stoner 1, Stoner 2, Stoner 3…

Actress Busy Philipps says her daughter, Birdie, has been cast in a non-binary acting role for a new Amazon Prime series. Since she’s non-binary, she’ll be paid a full salary some days, and 72% of the salary on other days.

The Mayor of Orange County, Florida – home to Disney World – said they’re in ‘crisis mode’ because of a surge in Delta Variant COVID cases. It’s so bad, It’s A Small World is even smaller because of the hospitalization of singing child robots.

The Congressional Investigative Committee on the January 6th Riots kicked off Tuesday, with testimony from the Capitol Police force – requiring a 50% increase in the daily donut delivery to the House of Representatives.

Britney Spears officially petitioned for a new conservator to replace her father, although her new attorneys are attempting to persuade her out of her first choice, Santa Claus.

Naomi Osaka was eliminated in the third round of the Tokyo Olympics tennis competition, in the most Japanese sports headline ever.

The NCAA’s Southeast Conference is meeting to discuss adding the Texas Longhorns and Oklahoma Sooners athletic programs. Discussion is expected to center on money, and whether the conference grade point average could possibly go any lower.

The CDC plans to recommend everyone in a school setting from grades Kindergarten through 12 wear a mask. They’re also recommending younger kids and teachers learn the phrase “I REALLY need to use the bathroom” in sign language.

Campbell’s Soup cans are getting their first redesign in 50 years, with the Campbell’s name getting a “modernized logo structure” and “mm mm good” replaced by “not just for geezers”.

Some U.S. airports are running out of fuel for planes. As a result, Spirit Airlines will charge passengers an extra $49 if they don’t help push-start jets toward the runway.