By |

Customers are suing Burger King, claiming the meat in their Whopper isn’t as big as it appears in promotional photos. The customers say they got the idea from people lodging similar complaints on Grindr.

For a single day last week, wind turbines provided more electricity than coal & nuclear power combined in the United States. Unfortunately, thousands of the homes powered by the turbines were destroyed in the tornados.

In a new poll, 63% of Americans say Russian President Vladimir Putin “cannot remain in power”. In the same poll, 100% of Americans say they “don’t plan on doing anything about it”.

15-year-old Anna Leigh Waters is the youngest Pickleball champion in the U.S., having won five doubles titles with her mother, and splitting $25 in prize money.

The United States expanded sanctions against Russia, freezing the assets of Vladimir Putin’s two daughters. “Buddy, why didn’t you tell me you had daughters?” asked Donald Trump.

Cracker Jack will begin selling Cracker Jill. There are no nuts, and Jill keeps asking to exchange the prize in them.

Parents unplugged the Ring security camera in their 3-year-old boy’s bedroom after he claimed a voice from it asked him if he wants ice cream. Before being unplugged, the voice said it owed the kid ice cream because he danced naked like he’d been asked to.

April 7th is both National Burrito Day and National Beer Day. April 8th is unofficially National Sexual Abstinence Day, which officially starts after dinner on April 7th.

Google now lets users combine text and images when conducting online searches. So far, the top search query is clothed photos with the text ‘do you have this, only naked?’

Kenan Thompson and his wife are divorcing, but are not commenting about What’s Up With That?

By |

The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

By |

Tiger Woods indicated that he may play in The Masters this week, after playing a practice round, and seeing the two new hostesses hired at the Perkins pancake restaurant in Augusta.

Three Republican Senators voted to confirm Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court, then asked the location of this “cookout” everyone tells them they’re invited to now.

A new study that paid loyal Fox News viewers to switch to CNN for 30 days made them “less likely” to believe “fake news”. Although most of them said the money wasn’t enough to keep them from missing blond women with huge boobs reading the stories.

A Florida personal injury attorney was disbarred after running over four people outside a grocery store because she heard “voices” in her head. She described the voices as “tough and smart”.

A New Jersey high school student and a 7-year-old relative brought loaded semi-automatic weapons to school on Friday. The high schooler faces weapons charges, the 7-year-old is taking Gifted Student firearms classes.

Elon Musk now owns 9% of Twitter and has joined the company’s Board Of Directors. Coincidentally, trending hashtags now include #spacetravel #electriccars #solarpower and #pickingaweirdnameforyourkid .

A Portland, Oregon woman opened The Sports Bra – a bar that only shows women’s sports on the TVs. The ribbon was cut by gold medal soccer goalie Hope Solo, who then came back six days in a row to get drunk and drive home with her kids in the car.

Forbes Magazine claims the collective wealth of the world’s billionaires has fallen to $12.7 trillion. Even worse, they’re not getting a lot of support on GoFundMe to save the superyachts and pro sports teams they bought.

A stranded bull was rescued from a backyard swimming pool in England. Onlookers were amazed by the effort to lift him out, and by the bulge in his Speedo.

An Amazon worker released a list of words and phrases allegedly banned from use on the company’s planned internal chat app, including “union”, “slave”, “plantation”, “restroom” & others. The restrictions are leaving many new employees unable to accurately describe their boat trip from remote continents to new Amazon jobs.

By |

A Philadelphia day care was robbed. Police describe the suspects as wearing “Stick ‘Em Up” Pull-Ups.

Louis C.K. won Best Comedy Album at the Grammys. Several women backstage couldn’t believe he pulled it off!

Coca-Cola is launching Coca-Cola Byte, a limited edition flavor that the company claims tastes like “pixels”. To the average consumer, ‘pixels” taste like aspartame and tooth decay.

Grammy winner Doja Cat almost missed her award presentation due to a bathroom break; fortunately attendants were able to find a litter box in time.

Google employees are angry that bidets are being removed from office toilets. A senior manager emailed “removal of bidets is my #2 issue with return to office”. A different manager replied “yeah, we know what bidets do”.

A German man received 90 COVID shots so he could sell his vaccine cards to unvaccinated residents. He was arrested, but not jailed, so he could still collect his award for CVS Pharmacy Customer Of The Month.

Martha Stewart’s four dogs killed her cat. Stewart said she will miss the cat, and regrets not having any recipes for it.

The working lyric sheet for Beatles hit ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is being sold, at a price of $450,000. Afterward, the lyrics and masters for ‘Yellow Submarine’ will be sold for $500,000, with the requirement that the buyer burn them.

‘All My Children‘ soap opera actress Susan Lucci’s husband, Helmut, passed away at age 84. Or…did he???

Researchers discovered sound travels much slower on Mars than on Earth – leading to renewed interest in colonizing Mars from old married couples who don’t want to hear their spouse’s boring stories.

By |

An 8-year-old brought a loaded handgun to a Philadelphia elementary school. The child explained that they’d missed the bus and needed to jack a ride.

Russia accused Ukraine of conducting an air strike on a military fuel depot in Russian territory. Ukraine is now on the board, but trails in air strikes: 1,056 to 1.

Russian soldiers abandoned their position at Chernobyl nuclear plant due to radiation sickness. Female soldiers were mistakenly thought to be pregnant because they’re glowing.

Walgreens is using robots to fill prescriptions, now that human pharmacists are taking on more responsibilities, such as administering vaccines, and keeping robots from swiping opioids.

Washington DC police found five fetuses in the home of 28-year-old anti-abortion activist Lauren Handy. Asked what they were doing there, Handy said she hadn’t been having much luck starting a family.

Construction of homes along the Schuylkill River in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania has been halted due to a massive influx of beavers. The beavers say their peers have yet to be paid for the work they’ve already completed.

NASA’s Hubble Space telescope detected the farthest star ever seen – Bruce Willis, seated in the last row of the highest balcony at the Oscars.

A low-budget radio station in Missouri is one of only two U.S. carriers of Radio Sputnik – a service offering Russian State Radio to foreign countries. They may stop since lots of people are shutting it off because of the 23 hours of music featuring the Trololo guy.

Anchorman actor David Koechner was charged with misdemeanor DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. Whammy!

Actor Jim Carrey said he’s probably retiring, unless a ‘really special’ part comes along – folllowing his commitment to play the lead in Crash Bandicoot 1, 2 & 3.

By |

Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

By |

Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

By |

Will Smith issued a written apology to Chris Rock for slapping him at the Oscars. Jada & Will Smith received Honorary Chairperson Awards from the Alopecia Awareness Foundation.

The January 6th Commission said a 7-hour gap exists in Donald Trump’s phone call logs provided to them. The Commission believes Trump used a different phone; Trump claims there were no calls because of a Three’s Company marathon on TV Land.

Walmart will stop selling cigarettes in some stores. Employees will be offered training on switching over to chewing tobacco.

The FDA authorized fourth Pfizer & Moderna COVID booster shots for Americans 50 & older. They’re available at local pharmacies & clinics, and free inside specially marked boxes of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran.

A new $26 billion NASA funding proposal includes a program for the first human exploration of Mars – and a second human exploration after the first ones die within minutes.

Scientists are hailing a ‘new era of medicine’ where drugs are customized based on the recipient’s DNA. Although street-level drug dealers say they’ll probably just keep selling the same junk to everyone.

A herd of deer stormed the patio area of a Wisconsin pub and one of them smashed through a picture window. The deer left within seconds with their Uber & Lyft passengers.

Kim Kardashian bought a $400,000 Maybach minivan to drive her four children around – although she was able to get the price down by trading in two of her kids.

A new trailer for Tom Cruise sequel Top Gun: Maverick was released, as the movie enters its third year of previews.

Guinness Book of Records recognized Victory Brinker as the World’s Youngest Opera Singer for performing at age 7. Her classmates also recognized her performance as part of the Longest, Worst, First Grade Talent Show ever.

By |

Arizona State University hired University of Delaware’s Natasha Adair as their new Women’s Basketball coach. Adair expressed her gratitude for an opportunity to get as far as possible from Delaware.

Will Smith slapped Chris Rock at The Oscars, following Rock’s joke about Jada Pinkett Smith’s shaved head. Then co-host Amy Schumer slapped Rock, and called it “parallel thinking”.

The Los Angeles Police Department said Rock declined to file a police report against Will Smith following the slapping incident, according to the officers who interviewed Rock with their knees in his back for 15 minutes.

The FDA is expected to authorize a 2nd COVID booster shot for people over age 50, and the formation of a Booster Club to boost boosters for Boomers.

The University of North Carolina Tar Heels made it to the NCAA Men’s Basketball Final Four, routing Cinderella #15 Seed St. Peter’s, who were denied entry at the gates to New Orleans.

First Lady Jill Biden mourned the death of Foo Fighters drummer Taylor Hawkins, saying she’s saddened that the two hardest-rocking drummers she knew are now gone – Hawkins, and Karen Carpenter.

A rare pink grasshopper was found by a Texas man. The grasshopper was hiding after being chased by a gang of angry straight grasshoppers.

A British man – paralyzed from the waist down – climbed 1,444 stairs with the help of a robotic exoskeleton, breaking a world record. He spoke to reporters afterward, asking if the elevator was fixed.

A man ran a half-marathon in 2 hours & 19 minutes while pushing his quintuplets in a stroller. His wife called and asked him to make it a full marathon since she was really enjoying the time alone.

A Florida non-profit, Keep Florida Beautiful, placed robots on beaches to pick up small litter items like cigarette butts and bottle caps. Currently all of the robots are recovering from severe infections after picking up condoms.

By |

Jeffrey Epstein’s private Caribbean islands are listed for sale at $125 million. But because of their sordid history, they may sell for under 18.

Amidst a wave in Spring Break violence, Miami Beach is banning alcohol sales after 6pm. College drinkers are invited to join senior citizens getting hammered at the Early Bird Special.

Ginni Thomas, wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, texted White House Chief of Staff Mark Meadows to encourage him to overthrow the 2020 Presidential Election. She would have texted Trump directly, but since she’s 65 and weighs over 150 pounds, Trump wouldn’t give her his number.

570,000 chickens will be culled because of a bird flu outbreak on a Nebraska poultry farm, unless the chickens win an 11th-hour reprieve from the Governor.

A man punched a Southwest Airlines gate agent after being removed from his flight departing Atlanta. He was arrested, jailed, and picked a window seat.

Uber reached a deal to list all New York City taxis on its app – giving cabbies the equal opportunity they’ve sought to sexually harass female passengers.

Netflix will air The Comedy Store’s tribute to Bob Saget as a special this June. A Netflix spokesperson said that after giving Jeff Foxworthy a new special, people will eager to watch an hour-long show about a dead guy.

Russian President Vladimir Putin blamed “cancel culture” for sanctions against Russia taken by countries opposing his invasion of Ukraine. Putin’s edgy hot take earned him a headlining weekend with four shows at Moscow’s Chuckle Dungeon comedy club.

After 50 years, a sample of the Moon’s surface from the 1972 Apollo 17 mission was opened by NASA for testing. The test was a success, as the dust sample was sucked up in no time by a new Dyson hand vacuum.

Scientists determined how boa constrictors keep breathing while squeezing and suffocating their prey. It took a while because the scientist who published the report was still pretty upset watching a snake kill three of his coworkers.