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Turkey rejected a U.S. call for immediate cease-fire in Syria, while the U.S. rejected a call for immediate cease-chop from Thanksgiving turkeys.

Police were called to the home of Ron Ely, star of 60s tv series Tarzan, after an elderly woman there had been shot and killed. “Me Tarzan. Need lawyer.” said Ely.

In Utah, a 190-pound mastiff dog named Floyd was rescued from a hiking trail after becoming too tired to walk. He has since been bombarded with questions from other dogs about how they can get out of long walks on steep hills.

The Washington Nationals swept the St Louis Cardinals to advance to their first World Series. They’ll face the winner of the Houston Astros/New York Yankees series, and hope fans of those teams actually buy tickets for games in Washington.

A lethal outbreak of Legionnaire’s Disease has been traced to inhalation of mist from a hot tub display at a North Carolina county fair – and to the prize-winning hogs bathing in the hot tubs.

Felicity Huffman has reported to prison for her two-week sentence, and is in talks with TLC to star in their newest reality series 14-Day Lesbian.

NASA unveiled a new unisex space suit. It contains compartments in the crotch and chest so both men & women astronauts can stuff them.

Bose is attempting to understand problems with its QC35II noise-cancelling headphones by visiting customers at home. So far their research has been slowed by people wearing them not hearing the doorbell.

A man was able to track down and stalk a Japanese pop star by determining her location from reflections in her eyes in her selfies. His story has been purchased by the producers of CSI:Tokyo.

Google debuted its latest smartphone, the Pixel 4, which can respond to hand gestures. No word on how it responds to the gesture of your hands flailing at it when you drop it.

 

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A former NASA scientist claims that in 1976, the Viking landers found evidence of life on Mars. He added it wasn’t exactly a fun life.

The XFL draft takes place today at 10 a.m. via conference call. “Could whoever has a barking dog please mute?” said the League Commissioner.

Travis Scott took a nasty onstage fall at the Rolling Loud Music Festival in Queens on Saturday, telling the crowd he thought he broke his knee. After the show, he brought several female fans backstage to crouch down and examine it.

Megyn Kelly, who was fired from the NBC Today Show after discussing kids of her era wearing blackface on Halloween, will be a guest on Tucker Carlson’s Fox News show to promote her new line of Halloween costumes.

Elton John’s new memoir mentions Michael Jackson’s later years, saying he was “..in a world of his own, surrounded by people who only told him what he wanted to hear.” Elton then talks about all the compliments he gets about his real-looking hair.

Scarlett Johansson says that a movie featuring all-female Marvel Superheroes would be “explosive and unstoppable”.  It would feature male Marvel heroes asking what’s wrong with the way they’re fighting evil, and the females saying “nothing…it’s great”.

Dusty Baker is rumored to be a candidate for the Philadelphia Phillies manager job, after stadium workers were seen installing one of those motorized seats to climb the dugout steps.

Italy’s mountain village of Sardinia is posting signs telling tourists not to rely on Google Maps driving directions, because their cars will get stuck on rugged roads. They also say not to use Google Maps walking directions, after several tourists walked off cliffs.

Jennifer Aniston’s new Instagram account crashed shortly after her first post – a photo with all six of the ‘Friends’. Aniston said the photo wasn’t really complete, because the duck and the monkey were both dead. 

Whitney Houston is among the 2020 nominees for induction to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame – opening the door just a crack for the 2036 campaign of Color Me Badd.

 

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Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize in Economics for their work studying the very poor. They plan to take the prize money and blow it in Las Vegas.

The United Nations says that the world loses $400 billion in food before it reaches stores. “Good” said children who saw 5% of it is broccoli.

A dating expert advises people who have been ghosted on a dating app to send one final positive message: “I’ve been thinking of you and would still love to meet. Let me know.” And if that doesn’t work: “Let’s have sex.”

Etiquette experts compiled a list of the rudest things you can do on a plane. Topping the list – eating smelly food. Second rudest? Crashing it.

Donald Trump tweeted Happy Birthday to the U.S. Navy, but not to his daughter Tiffany. Trump said it was because the Navy is easier to look at.

Southwest Airlines has ended Senior Fares for passengers 65 and older. No reason was given, but Southwest said they’re still keeping bereavement fares, so, you know, six-in-one..

Doctors are warning women not to put toothpaste in their vaginas to tighten them, even though their boyfriends are having better dental checkups. [story h/t to E.T.]

The last surviving search dog that worked Ground Zero after the 9/11 terror attacks has passed away at age 16. He’ll be given a hero’s burial, then be dug up by a different dog. [Story h/t to J.L.]

An elementary school teacher in Australia who passed out drunk during class is banned from teaching for two years. During the ban, she’ll receive training to learn how to time her benders to coincide with days when the kids watch instructional movies.

A Chinese city is introducing hotel sheets & towels imbedded with microchips, scannable by phone to let guests know when they were last washed. They say it’s far more accurate than the old system of asking the bedbugs.

 

 

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Southwest Airlines grounded two Boeing jets after finding cracks in a key part – the pilots’ skulls.

Rapper-turned-jailhouse snitch Tekashi 6ix9ine is reportedly planning his post-prison comeback, scheduled to start in the year 20wenty 6ix9ine.

Former NBC employee Brooke Nevils claims she was sexually assaulted by Matt Lauer, while Lauer claims their sexual encounters were consensual. “I can help settle this” said experienced news journalist Maury Povich, dusting off his lie detector.

A company called Future Meat Technologies claims they could have the first lab-grown meat cultivated from animal cells on store shelves by 2022. They could have the first lab-grown veal a week after they start making it.

  • Future Meat Technologies: the other-other white meat.

The NFL upheld its season-long suspension of Oakland Raiders LB Vontaze Burfict for a malicious helmet-to-helmet hit. Burfict has been offered a season-long development scholarship by the UFC.

California utility PG&E is utilizing blackouts to limit the spread of wildfires – and to increase the number of easier-to-control candle-sparked house fires.

A pediatrician said children should start packing their own school lunches starting at age 8. His opinion was published along with a recipe for Sour Patch Kids sandwiches.

Sesame Street is introducing a new Muppet character whose parent struggles with opioid addiction. Producers say the parent won’t be introduced, and will be known only as Shootemupagus.

A family returned from a vacation to find a window broken and a goat napping in the bathroom. The goat was returned to a farm up the road, but the Mom is wondering why the goat had the address and Dad’s phone number programmed into its phone.

A Monmouth University study of 1,100 U.S. adults states that 6% consider candy corn their favorite Halloween candy. Researchers footnoted that at least 6% of the U.S. population suffers from some form of serious mental illness.

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Melania Trump tweeted a photo holding a shovel to break ground on a new White House tennis pavilion, after consulting Joe Biden to see if he plays tennis.

  • It’s part of Melania’s ‘Be Best Backhand’ initiative.

Three male scientists shared the Nobel Prize for Chemistry for inventing lithium-ion batteries. They came up with the idea when their bored, disinterested wives were each spending $200 a month on Duracells for their vibrators.

Philadelphia City Schools are offering free head lice screenings to teachers and school nurses, though it’s expected that half the lice in Philly schools will just drop out.

Johnson & Johnson must pay $8 billion in damages for failing to warn users its antipsychotic drug, Risperdal, caused gynecomastia – a condition causing men to grow enlarged breasts. The judgment is being called the world’s most expensive boob job. [ Story & joke submitted & guest-written by reader J.O !! ]

McDonald’s launched a McRib Locator website to help customers find participating locations serving the sandwich, and to help families of dangerously obese people avoid them.

The Philadelphia Flyers opened a rage room, where hockey fans can pay to go in a room during games and break things.  The Philadelphia Philles say they considered it, but decided to let fans keep using their living rooms.

The New York City townhome where The Cars frontman Ric Ocasek passed away is back on the market, listed at $13.9 million – an amount his surviving wife Paulina Porizkova described as “just what I needed”.

Robert Downey Jr. told Howard Stern he doesn’t want an Oscar nomination for Avengers: Endgame, telling studio publicists “let’s not”. Downey said he was inspired by the late Jim Varney saying “let’s not” to an Oscar campaign for ‘Ernest Goes to Jail’.

New research spanning 70 years finds having a dog lowers your risk of dying by 24 percent. The study followed everyone except infants and toddlers living with pit bulls.

 

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A former Drexel University professor spent $189,000 in federal grant money at Philadelphia strip clubs and sports bars. He was fired, but not before submitting his final research paper, ‘How $189,000 Will Still Not Get You Laid At Strip Clubs’. [story h/t to A.O.]

A 44-year-old woman gymnast from Uzbekistan is waiting to see if she qualifies for the 2020 Tokyo Summer Olympics. If her scores are good enough, then she waits to see if her fiber supplement is taken off the banned substances list.

Toys R Us is partnering with Target to launch a new toy shopping website. Since Toys R Us has no physical stores, toddlers and other small children are adjusting to throwing temper tantrums in front of a laptop or tablet.

Victoria’s Secret hired its first plus-size lingerie model, size 14 Ali Tate-Cutler. Cutler will model lingerie made in larger sizes, featuring the first bras and panties with pockets for snacks.

Ellen Degeneres is facing criticism for attending a Dallas Cowboys game with former President George W. Bush, including the risk of crashing Twitter under a tsunami of “Ellen likes Bush” jokes.

The Centers for Disease Control warned an American Airlines flight attendant may have exposed passengers to Hepatitis A – creating the fifth-most severe health risk faced by passengers on American Airlines flights.

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz said that the Trump Impeachment Inquiry is a “Kangaroo Court” and that Democrat Adam Schiff is leading it like a “malicious Captain Kangaroo”. Said Captain Kangaroo from beyond the grave “I didn’t know I was a Congressman.”

Kylie Jenner and Travis Scott reportedly broke up because she wanted a second child together, and he did not want a seventh child.

Major League Baseball is sponsoring a Junior Home Run Derby, so kids can have another way to disappoint their Dads outside of Little League.

Rob Gronkowski is joining Fox Sports as an NFL Football analyst – to the delight of viewers who think halftime and postgame highlights shows are just too darned complicated.

 

 

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A buck crashed through the window of a hair salon on Long Island. The animal fled shortly after his antlers received 10 frosted tips.

Dick’s Sporting Goods CEO said the company destroyed $5 million worth of AR-15 rifles after finding out the chain sold one to a school shooter. The company also destroyed $50 million worth of golf clubs when they saw how badly customers played with them.

The Glenlivet released their ‘Capsule Collection’ of whisky pods, aged scotch encased in an edible capsule made of seaweed. Some drinkers are popping them in their mouth and biting them, others plan to age them for another 20 years in their laundry room.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a funeral home director fired after coming out as a transgender woman. The funeral home owners defended their decision, saying they’re in the business of burying problems.

The Supreme Court will not hear the appeal of Domino’s, who were sued, and lost, to a blind man who couldn’t order pizza for delivery from his iPhone. However, the blind man is facing lawsuits from several people he ran over driving to pick up takeout pizzas.

Juliet Huddy, a former host of Fox & Friends, said that some Fox News shows “lie by omission”, omitting facts and context while reporting the news; as opposed to the rest of Fox News shows  that “lie on purpose”.

Rachel Maddow will reportedly appear in CW’s new comic-book tv show “Batwoman”. No details were given, but everyone just assumes she’s going to be Alfred.

Target launched Target Circle, a new customer loyalty program where you earn points for shopping. KMart announced its own loyalty program, where you receive points for finding a KMart store that hasn’t gone out of business yet.

China is pulling back its support of the NBA after Houston Rockets GM Daryl Morey tweeted in support of pro-democracy protesters in Hong Kong. China is also pulling back support of the WNBA because they don’t really care about it, either.

After postponing, NASA rescheduled the first all-female spacewalk for this month. The original walk was postponed because a proper-fitting spacesuit was unavailable for astronaut Annie McClain. McClain has now been fitted with the first-ever AstroSpanx.

 

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Google Maps announced Incognito Mode, allowing users to get directions without having a record saved of their location. “Finally!” said murderers.

Instagram launched Threads, a close-friends chat app. So now you can be even more sad when close friends ignore your pics.

Tesla delivered a company-record 97,000 electric vehicles in the third quarter. The stock price still fell 6% when Elon Musk said “that’s the last of the 2016s!!”.

According to experts, a small child is sent to the emergency room once every two hours after coming in contact with beauty products. The kids are sick, but look and smell great.

Mario Kart Tour is Nintendo’s biggest mobile game launch to date, with over 90 million downloads. It’s so popular, people in real cars are driving while driving.

Donald Trump told a crowd in Florida he thinks there should be a media outlet run by the government. He’s thinking of launching it with morning show ‘Stephen Miller & Friends’, but they can’t find any of his friends.

Fox News analyst Andrew Napolitano categorized Trump’s actions on the infamous phone call with the Ukraine “criminal and impeachable”. He followed that up by asking “is anyone hiring?”.

McDonald’s announced McRib will be returning to over 10,000 U.S. restaurants next week, replacing vaping as the new Number One U.S. health crisis.

Wednesday was National “Coffee With a Cop” day.  Thousands of meetings were scheduled between local community organizers and police, then cancelled when nobody brought donuts.

FBI and Homeland Security officials are warning about online threats posted encouraging shootings to coincide with the premiere of ‘Joker’.  However, they’re still unable to figure out threats posted to coincide with the premiere of ‘Riddler’.

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McDonald’s in Canada is testing a plant-based burger served with lettuce and tomato called the McPLT. Customers preferred that name to the McPPP.

A Virginia doctor will serve 40-years for illegally prescribing more than a half-million doses of opioids. He’ll report for prison, where his calendar is already booked solid.

A new study by AAA finds new auto safety features intended to keep drivers from hitting pedestrians don’t work properly after dark.  The study is being cited in a class action lawsuit filed against automakers by deer.

Tesla’s new “Smart Summon” feature – allowing users to have their car drive to them in parking lots from distances to 200 feet – has already caused multiple crashes with other vehicles. Tesla is updating the feature to Smart Summon an ambulance.

New research suggests getting tattoos may help boost the body’s immune response – so go ahead and have unprotected sex with that healthy tattooed prostitute.

A Texas high school cheerleader jumped off her float in the homecoming parade to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a choking two-year-old. The cheerleader was concerned because the boy repeatedly failed to give her a T.

Chevrolet announced a radical change to the Corvette. For the first time, the engine will be behind the seats instead of under the hood. So now instead of the engine being ruined when you hit a tree, your luggage will be.

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson surprised a woman on her 100th birthday with a serenade, but not the naked pictures she really wanted.

Three men found floating on bales of cocaine after a shipwreck were rescued by the Colombian Navy. The three men were later identified as officers in the Colombian Navy.

Gwen Stefani turned 50. She now ain’t no Hollaback Woman.