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Organizers announced Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC to support Donald Trump. Area managers are bracing for mile-long lines of buses at DC-area McDonald’s drive-thrus.

Johnny Depp resigned from his role as Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts film series. He’ll pocket several million dollars and start work in the new Abusive Beasts movies.

An Egyptian man holding a small fish in his teeth was rushed to an emergency room after the fish jumped in his mouth and lodged in his throat. Doctors were able to remove it, but only after waiting two hours danging worms on his lips.

A male contestant on The Bachelorette tested positive for COVID-19. He’s quarantining until the coronavirus is neutralized by gonorrhea.

A man claiming to have some of Charles Manson’s cremation ashes had them used in a $500 face tattoo. No word on why he went with a dolphin jumping over a rainbow.

A new study finds 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients develop mental illness within 90 days. The study followed four teenagers and Donald Trump.

The White House issued a statement in observance of Veterans Day, reminding Americans that today is for active duty vets – and that Suckers & Losers Day is in late May.

Georgia will conduct a full by-hand recount of all votes. The Secretary of State said that this will instill confidence when they’re done in 2022.

Chipotle opened its first digital-only restaurant, now that they’ve figured out how to digitize food borne illness.

Oprah’s Favorite Things arrived on Amazon. The only one of her Favorite Things that Amazon didn’t list is actually getting sh!t delivered in two days.

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Beyonce is partnering with Peloton on “various forms of fitness class curation” and “extra sturdy bicycle seats”.

Scooby-Doo co-creator Ken Spears passed away at age 82. No signs of foul play, but the gang is investigating the abandoned amusement park where his body was found just in case.

Donald Trump, Jr and girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are reportedly interested in taking over the GOP National Committee from current Chair Ronna McDaniel. They’re disappointed that large GOP donors don’t want lap dances from her.

NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine – an appointee of Donald Trump – said he will step down once Biden takes office. Biden plans to accept the resignation and told Bridenstine “may the Space Force be with you”.

Spotify is acquiring podcast hosting company Megaphone. Megaphone hosts over 5,000 podcasts reaching about 4,000 listeners.

Researchers say injectable drug cabotegravir is most effective at preventing women from contracting HIV from an infected partner. So, one injection, then all the unprotected injections they want after that.

General Motors will reintroduce the Hummer as an all-electric vehicle, but will limit sales to prevent rolling blackouts while owners recharge them.

The Masters golf tournament will be played this week. It’s unique in that it’s happening in November, and the star attraction is a black dude who actually voted for Trump.

Twitter may limit ‘Likes’ for posts containing misinformation. But stolen jokes and memes will still rack ’em up.

Ulta will open hundreds of makeup & beauty shops in Target stores. Not to be outdone, Walmart will open its own in-store makeup and beauty shops from Spirit Halloween.

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Nevada police are investigating a violent incident at Circus Circus Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, where three people were Shot Shot.

A man invented a robot that puts on and removes his contact lenses. The robot puts them on in the morning, and takes them out at night after they’ve finished having sex.

An 8-year-old Texas boy won $500 for capturing the Kid’s Division in the National Mullet Championship. The Adult Division was postponed due to conflicts with post-election militia meetings.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the presidential election. Jared Kushner asked him to reconsider, and Melania Trump asked him to accept defeat and divorce papers.

An earthquake was felt near Boston. Experts confirmed it was, in fact, a seismological event after learning the Patriots hadn’t lost again.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek passed away at age 80. His wife and heirs await the reading of his Final Jeopardy! to see what he wagered on each of them. [RIP Alex Trebek.]

McDonald’s will try out new automatic-order-taking lanes at drive-thrus, for the thousands of customers who have difficulty placing orders while drunk.

Pfizer claims to have a COVID-19 vaccine that’s 90% effective in human trials. They plan to release more details right after the 10th guy’s autopsy.

Jay & Kateri Schwandt of Grand Rapids, Michigan welcomed baby daughter Maggie, their first girl after having 14 sons. They expect toilet training to be a challenge, after Maggie repeatedly runs out of the bathroom when it’s finally her turn.

Columbia and Cornell University researchers have developed a nasal spray that kills the coronavirus – but you really, really need to like the smell of Lysol.

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A Key West, Florida man was arrested for pointing a gun at a driver who told him he had a small penis – in effect, proving the driver right.

Apple opened preorders for its newest iPhones – giving Americans one more thing they can get pissed off about waiting for.

The latest issue of Marvel Comics ‘Black Widow’ reveals the superheroine now has a son – and he is her Marvel Universe.

Facebook shut down pro-Trump group ‘Stop The Steal’, after they created potentially violent events. The founder said that, while the group had 300,000 members, the violent events only had 20 ‘Going’ and 299,980 ‘Interested’.

Denmark will kill over 17,000 minks after discovering a mutated coronavirus strain in them. Like it or not, a lot of Danish people are getting coats for Christmas.

Russian lawmakers are considering a bill that would give President Vladimir Putin lifelong immunity from prosecution. Its progress is being watched closely by You-Know-Who.

Former Creed drummer Scott Phillips said the group is talking about a reunion – mainly, talking about what a bad idea it is.

The world’s seventh-ranked men’s tennis player, Alexander Zverev, is defending himself against abuse claims from a former girlfriend. Zverev said she, too, was abusive, making the whole situation a double-fault.

CVS Pharmacy’s parent company beat 3rd quarter earnings forecasts. Shares of CVS stock grew several inches.

CNN said a Pornhub banner displayed on its Election Results video wall was not real, adding that it was intended to be shown alongside the Trump White House Victory Party.

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Comcast & Walmart are reportedly teaming up to develop and sell smart TVs. Or, TVs, anyway.

Florida is in the path of Tropical Storm Eta. It wasn’t at first, but Eta is a pretty big Biden supporter.

‘Platonic co-parenting’ is on the rise. Websites such as Modamily match individuals who want to raise a child together, but without marriage or a sexual relationship. Modamily.com’s biggest competitor is Divorce.

Anthropologists contend the human species survived because natural selection favored ‘nicer’ humans versus more aggressive Neanderthals. But they admit Neanderthal sex was probably a lot more fun.

A crate of oranges sold for $9,600 in Japan. Which is even more amazing when you find out they weren’t purchased at Whole Foods.

Fossils of a duckbill dinosaur were found in Africa, leading scientists to believe the species crossed oceans to get there. But the same fossils were found floating in the ocean, leading scientists to believe a lot of them weren’t exactly great swimmers.

A Lubbock, Texas Walmart employee announced she was quitting over the store’s public address system, calling male coworkers “perverts” and her boss a “big lazy bitch”. Her rant was deemed NSFW-EAW* [*Except At Walmart]

Kate Beckinsale posted a photo wearing a bra reading “VOTE”. Vote, Bra is also the official Election Day slogan of online influencers.

The City of Denver repealed a ban on pit bulls, making it legal for residents to own the breed. A last ditch appeal to keep the ban in place was filed by a lawyer representing toddlers holding hot dogs.

Delaware elected Sarah McBride, its first-ever transgender woman to the state House of Representatives. McBride says she now identifies as a “career politician”.

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Oregon decriminalized heroin, meth & cocaine. Several legal-marijuana states offically changed their state slogans to “Gateway To Oregon”.

Donald Trump prematurely declared victory at 2:30 in the morning. Coincidentally, that’s how Barron was conceived.

Trump asserted that he had a clear path to 270, though pundits are skeptical since he currently weighs in at about 310.

Given the current timetable for issuing definitive election results, Congress will consider a bill to have final tallies announced at halftime of Thursday Night Football .

Travis Scott quit Instagram. He realized if he wanted to see the Kardashians half-naked, he could just visit them in person.

Florida passed a ballot initiative to approve a $15 minimum wage, despite a huge negative campaign from Florida’s richest resident, Scrooge McDuck.

Dunkin’ & Baskin Robbins were sold for over $11 Billion to Inspire Brands – owners of Arby’s, Sonic & Buffalo Wild Wings. Inspire plans to change its name to Type II Brands.

A humpback whale capsized two kayakers off the coast of Avila Beach, California. The kayakers were uninjured, but said the whale was driving his speedboat way too close to them.

Kanye West is launching Yeezy Christian Academy. Enrollment is steady, as parents sign up their kids, get their YCA shirts & sneakers, withdraw them, and sell the clothes on eBay.

NFL Owners are considering a 16-team ‘COVID contingency’ playoff format in case all regular season games can’t be completed, culminating in Super Bowl St Patrick’s Day.

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A Russian oligarch called “Sausage King” was killed with a crossbow in his home sauna during a robbery. The first detective arriving on the scene guessed Professor Plum, with the carving knife, in the sauna, and lost the game of Russian Clue.

Lori Loughlin began serving her two-month sentence. She’ll remain in isolation for two weeks, then head straight to wardrobe for the now-sold-out prison Christmas Pageant.

Researchers believe Neanderthals and early humans were at war for over 100,000 years, as evidenced by newly-uncovered Neanderthal flags reading “Make Eurasia Great Again”.

Humans infected with COVID-19 take up to six months to develop immune cells to fight the virus. The immune cells would work faster, but they say it’s not like humans have any big plans anyway.

NASA sent commands to the Voyager 2 unmanned spacecraft – 11 billion miles from Earth – for the first time since its radio & antenna hardware were upgraded. Voyager 2 successfully replied “New phone who dis?”.

Researchers studying 900 of Van Gogh’s letters think he suffered from bipolar and borderline personality disorder, and delirium from alcohol withdrawal. One letter from his brother read “thanks for wrecking Thanksgiving dinner AGAIN, Vince”.

Many states have restrictions against apparel bearing campaign slogans at voting places. One exception is Mississippi, where you get the VIP treatment if you wear both a shirt and pants.

Beverly Hills, California is mobilizing its entire police force to combat Election Day violence. Critics say it’s unnecessary, and will actually contribute to crimes from people who just want to ride in the back of a Bentley patrol car.

A developer purchased Jeffrey Epstein’s Palm Beach, Florida residence for $18 million, but plans to tear it down and build a new mansion. He’s giving Donald Trump and Bill Clinton thirty days to get their stuff out.

Electronics maker Wyze introduced a new high-definition video camera that costs just $20. It received Editors Choice awards from tech website CNET, and from the editor of Creepy High School Janitor magazine.

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Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.

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Yahoo released its first Yahoo-branded smartphone, called the Yahoo ‘How Do I Return This & Get an iPhone’ Phone.

Walmart is temporarily removing guns & ammo from displays to prevent violence in the event of ‘civil unrest’ — meaning election results, or someone shooting their way out of the store with a newly stolen Xbox or PS5.

New Zealand voters approved euthanasia, but rejected recreational marijuana, in two separate referendums – disappointing terminally ill residents wanting to be stoned to death.

A winning $3 million scratch-off lottery ticket was sold at a Rite Aid pharmacy outside of Philadelphia. The pharmacy then announced they’re out of OxyContin for the near future.

McRib is returning to McDonald’s restaurants nationwide for the first time since 2012. It arrives December 2nd, to give people enough time to rest up after post-election riots so they can fight for one.

Apple One subscription bundles are available today. It costs $14.95/month and includes Apple Music, Apple TV+, Apple Arcade, iCloud, and bring-your-own arrogance & entitlement.

Kylie Jenner and friends posted Halloween party photos dressed as the Power Rangers. “May the force be with you!” she captioned the pics.

Kanye West’s 40th birthday present to wife Kim Kardashian West was a talking hologram of her father Robert Kardashian, who died in 2003. “Kim I’m so proud of you. So, what’s your stepdad Bruce up to?” asked hologram Robert.

A California patient is the first recorded case of simultaneous flu and COVID-19 infection. “Yeah, me too!” said their co-worker calling in sick for the next two weeks.

Researchers discovered table salt can break down the outer layer of COVID-19. So be sure to put some salt in your bleach before ingesting it, said Doctor Donald.

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Comcast announced a record 633,00 new high-speed internet customers in the 3rd quarter of 2020, leading to their hiring a record 4 new customer service representatives to assist them.

The first U.S. nest of 98 ‘murder hornets’ was found in Washington state. 85 were killed and 13 were captured alive, following a tense standoff where beekeepers fired over 200 cans of Raid.

‘The Bachelorette‘ Clare Crawley was criticized for a group date segment where men competing for her affection played ‘strip dodgeball’. Crawley did not participate, but did admit to getting hit by multiple participants’ balls.

Fox is launching ‘The Masked Singer‘ spinoff series ‘The Masked Dancer’. Then they’ll launch another spinoff, ‘The Masked Murderer’, where panelists try to guess which costumed celebrity is O.J. Simpson.

Scientists discovered a new ‘proto planet’ made entirely of iron & nickel worth ten thousand quadrillion dollars. Now they just need several thousand years to get the strip mining equipment to it and cash in.

Astronomers from multiple countries compiled their most detailed “family portrait” of black holes to date. The astronomers are struggling to communicate how many black holes are in it without making porn puns.

White House insiders claim Donald Trump is abandoning CDC COVID-19 guidelines to focus on so-called ‘herd immunity’ – starting by ‘immunizing’ young female interns who brought him Big Macs after he got out of the hospital.

Khloe Kardashian revealed she contracted COVID-19, although some are saying she did it on purpose to promote the new season of ‘Revenge Body with Khloe Kardashian: Pandemic Edition’.

A new study finds that immunity to COVID-19 lasts for months – mostly because nobody wants to get anywhere near you.

Jack Nicklaus endorsed Donald Trump because he’s used to letting Trump think he can win.