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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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New research finds that a majority of adults set their home thermostat to temperatures their parent’s did when they were growing up. Although today’s homeowners are less inclined to hit their family members for adjusting it.

Boutique bakery Cupcakes by Melissa is partnering with Claussen Pickles on a limited-time pickle cupcake. It’s surprising because it’s usually a man’s idea to stick a pickle in their cupcake.

Atlantic City’s annual summer Air Show was cancelled after one of the main performers – the Air Force Thunderbirds – pulled out. Atlantic City prostitutes have stepped in to fill the void with an Under-The-Boardwalk Ground Show.

A pig escaped a livestock transport truck and ran loose on a Philadelphia highway, but was captured after causing a long traffic jam. The now-famous pig will get its picture on the tube of scrapple it’s turned in to.

The Mediterranean Diet reportedly helps with acne. But don’t rub the olive oil on your zits.

A man who lost his voice to cancer received a full larynx replacement. The operation was a success, even though they didn’t use his wife’s as the donor organ like he’d asked.

Samsung factory workers in South Korea called an indefinite labor strike, seeking better pay and working conditions. This is different from the Apple factory strike where workers there demanded the ability to finish sixth grade.

Starbucks gave away free reusable straws as a way to help reduce waste, because where else can you blow $8 on iced coffee and feel good about it?

A local charity sponsored a free swimsuit giveaway at Philadelphia’s public swimming pools. Then Philadelphia cops showed up to arrest the dozen adults who showed up to help the children try the swimsuits on.

The U.S. military will end the operation where they constructed an offshore pier to assist deliveries of aid to war-torn Gaza. They also said it was probably a bad idea to put a ferris wheel and carnival games on the pier.

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President Biden issued an Executive Order protecting undocumented spouses of U.S. citizens from deportation. As a result, Eastern European & Asian companies selling mail-order brides are now shipping them without return labels.

Apple discontinued their Buy Now Pay Later installment payment plans for products. They say repossessing phones from people who stopped paying is hard because they keep getting sued for reaching into pockets and leggings to take them back.

A Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Max 8 experienced what’s called a ‘dutch roll’ – wagging of the tail wings while the plane shifts from side-to-side. Not to be confused with a Swiss roll, which is when a jet is filled with chocolate cake & whipped cream.

The CDC is warning of a new ‘double mutant’ flu strain. It’s resistant to antibiotics, and has already put Wolverine and Storm in bed for a week.

Research shows drinking coffee while sedentary may lower the risk of death compared to those who sit for long periods of time and don’t drink coffee. Mainly because of all that running to the bathroom.

McDonald’s ended a trial with IBM utilizing artificial intelligence to process drive-thru orders, after AI was determined to be just as likely to forget to put the goddamned fries in the bag.

ChatGPT was out of service for about 2 1/2 hours on Monday – marking the first time many incel’s virtual girlfriends went down on them.

Former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 72, is reportedly dating 24-year-old Jordan Hudson. Despite being unemployed, the NFL fined Belichick for tampering with a prospect.

French actress Anouk Aimee, Oscar-nominated star of ‘A Man And A Woman’, passed away at age 92. Producers of ‘A Man And A Woman II’ are rewriting it as ‘A Single Man’.

Animal behavior experts are increasingly offering evidence that animals are conscious – citing experiments showing animals seeking pleasurable behavior, such as octopuses and mountain lions with Tinder profiles.

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Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

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A viral photo shows a baby lying on the floor of the standing room section of La Defense Arena in Paris during a Taylor Swift concert. The baby wasn’t kicked, but was treated for the several glasses of chardonnay that spilled into its mouth.

The New York Times published a detailed article about how E coli bacteria makes people sick. It begins: “.. first, they walk into Chipotle..”.

Lightning struck an active volcano crater in Guatemala, leading to the postponement of a local virgin being tossed into it.

The end of COVID-era funding and declining student enrollment are leading to many U.S. public school teachers being laid off. Although counseling is being offered to unemployed teachers by unemployed student dropouts.

Russia fired their defense minister. They’ve requested an interview with Kansas City Chiefs defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo.

Apple Store employees may strike, leading to a temporary renaming of the Genius Bar as the Knucklehead Bar.

A man who received the first genetically-modified pig kidney transplant died. Doctors say they can’t associate cause of death with the pig kidney, but…c’mon…

Actor Steve Buscemi claimed he was punched in the face while walking on a New York city street. Police are unsure of a motive, but appearing in so many Adam Sandler movies couldn’t help.

A study finds lesbians climax 80% of the time during sex versus 65% for heterosexual women. “See!?.. we need another woman in here to help you!” said heterosexual men swinging for the fences.

Several graduating Duke University students walked out of Jerry Seinfeld’s commencement address – most in protest of Israel’s assaults on Gaza, several because they’ve already heard the Pop Tarts bit 10 times already.

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A Philadelphia man was assaulted by dirt bikers & ATV riders as they tried to steal his scooter. Philadelphia notches the first recorded case of ScootJacking.

Dora The Explorer is getting a reboot on Paramount +, after Dora emerged from extensive counseling following her work with Nickelodeon’s Dan Schneider in the early 2000s.

Five military horses escaped and ran wild through the streets of central London, damaging cars and injuring pedestrians. Authorities pursued the horses through late afternoon, until the horses stopped for tea & scones.

Actress Christina Applegate said on her podcast that she’s been sick for three weeks with sapovirus – accidental ingestion of human fecal matter. Applegate announced she’s no longer a Brand Ambassador for Saladworks.

TikTok’s CEO vowed to fight a U.S. law requiring the Chinese government’s sale of the app within a year. The U.S. Government said if they can’t make them sell it, they’ll make them change the name to MySpace and everyone will just stop using it.

South Korea is considering a ban on the iPhone for use by their armed forces, because they deem it a security threat. This follows a move by North Korea, which has already banned paper cups atttached to strings for the same reason.

Motley Crue signed with record label Big Machine, with frontman Vince Neil saying “we don’t want to stagnate”. This Friday, they’ll release a new single, ‘Dogs Of War’, with Billboard projecting it could land at #1 on the Stagnated Dinosaur Rock chart.

Theresa Nist, ex-wife of Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, told People magazine in a new interview that she “found a new joy in life” – as she opened the drawer of her nightstand.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy said WNBA star Caitlin Clark is getting “screwed” by Nike over her 8-year, $28 million endorsement deal that includes a signature Clark shoe. Nike defended the deal, saying it also includes a matching Caitlin Clark belt and handbag.

A Texas high school cheerleader who was named Valedictorian was notified that a calculation error was found, dropping her to 3rd in the class. However, her measurements were verified so she still gets to keep her cheerleading scholarship offers.

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Buffalo Wild Wings opened its 100th takeout & delivery ‘Go’ location, and says one-third of its sales are made outside of sit-down restaurants. Now 33% of customers say “this food sucks” to themselves in living rooms instead of to BWW servers.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72 and wife Theresa Nist, 70 are ending their marriage after just three months. It’s the Early Bird Special Divorce.

All of O.J. Simpson’s children visited him before he died, but they were not allowed to have their cell phones with them, and were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. O.J. then confessed that Hertz wasn’t the best rental car agency.

Apple upgraded its AirTag functionality to allow sharing of the tracking devices with up to five people. Now you can enlist friends to help you stalk your ex-spouse or partner.

Vietnam real estate tycoon Truong My Lan was sentenced to death after she defrauded the nation’s banks out of $12.5 billion, or 304 trillion dong. Residents said they could only dream of seeing that many dongs.

Earlier this week, the terms ‘eclipse’; ‘total eclipse’; and ‘eclipse sex’ were the top 3 searches on Pornhub. For those curious, eclipse sex is intercourse with a partner so big you can’t see one of them.

Viral video shows an exchange at a Florida airport with a Spirit Airlines employee saying “F**k you, too!” while reviewing a woman’s boarding pass. A spokesperson for Spirit Airlines explained this is the official greeting for Spirit’s frequent flyers.

Errors were corrected to the base of a statue honoring the late Kobe Bryant, including some statistics in the engraved box score of Bryant’s 81-point game, and a statement claiming he never sexually assaulted anyone.

A grease fire in the kitchen of The Tamron Hall Show forced the evacuation of her studio, and The View, which films in an adjacent studio. The fire was extinguished without incident, and Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar fought over who got the french fries.

17 countries were ranked in terms of the size of women’s buttocks, with South Africa having the biggest, India the smallest, and the U.S. ranked 6th. Curiously, Brazil was omitted, because the researchers just wanted to give other countries a chance.

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X, formerly Twitter, is trialing Adult Content Communities. This comes on the heels of their success with Racist Communities, Election Denier Communities, and Failed Entertainer Communities.

A female DJ who claims she was shamed on a Delta Airlines flight for not wearing a bra hired a lawyer and is demanding a meeting with the CEO. The CEO declined the meeting, saying, her breasts aren’t big enough.

In anticipation of the full solar eclipse, Internet crooks are selling fake eclipse glasses. Experts warn that you can tell they’re fake because they charge extra for bifocals.

A Florida 10-year-old sold a handgun to a classmate for $300, then set a single day spending record at the Scholastic Book Fair.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, released from prison after serving time for the murder of her abusive mother, separated from the husband she married while incarcerated, saying she felt trapped.

Dollar Tree announced the maximum price of items for sale in its stores will increase to $7. This is expected to create thousands of jobs for employees who can help customers count to 7.

Viral video shows a man diving out of the way of a spinning blade that detached from a concrete saw at a nearby construction site and traveled across a parking lot. Unfortunately, the old lady walking across the lot wasn’t as quick.

Oprah shared a video explaining why she turned to weight loss drugs. After a lot of hooey about personal struggles, it came down to two factors: 1) they work; 2) she’s a billionaire.

New York City formally approved a $15 congestion pricing toll for cars entering lower Manhattan. The law now requires the approval of carjackers to refund the $15 for the vehicles they steal.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and new wife Theresa Nist are married, but reportedly living in separate states. They say the biggest challenge is neither of them knowing how to work Facetime for cybersex.

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Homeland Security raided the homes of music mogul Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs as part of an alleged sex trafficking investigation. No further details were given, but the Feds are calling this a Biggie.

Combs’ houses in Miami & Los Angeles were raided, so let it be known Diddy was doing his part bring both East Coast & West Coast rappers together.

The grandmother of two of the ‘Little Rascals’ robbers – aged 11 & 12 – who held up a Wells Fargo Bank in Houston said the teller gave them play money. Nonetheless, the two boys were apprehended at a playground as they ‘made it rain’ while young girls danced on the monkey bars.

Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce reportedly shut down a Los Angeles gym for a two-hour private workout while members waited and watched outside. As they left, women shouted at Taylor for autographs, and men shouted corrections to her lifting form.

Krispy Kreme is expanding its partnership with McDonald’s and will be sold at all locations by the end of 2026. Customers ordering a Quarter Pounder will be asked if they want the burger or a really big doughnut.

A court lowered Donald Trump’s bond requirement to appeal his financial fraud judgment from $454 million to $175 million, and gave him 10 days to come up with the money. Trump then invited friends from North Korea, Russia & China to Mar a Lago for a Classified Documents Garage Sale.

A container ship struck and collapsed the Francis Scott Key Bridge outside of Baltimore. Viral video showed the action between 1 and 2 a.m., and gave proof through the night that the bridge was not there.

Arnold Schwarzenegger got a pacemaker. His blood is so heavy, his heart needed help pumping all the iron.

The U.S. Justice Department sued Apple, saying its market share of iPhones is a practical monopoly. Apple plans to drop a countersuit, then pay a fortune to fix the cracks in it.

Former NFL star Eric Decker – husband of viral singer/celebrity Jessie James Decker – announced he’d had a vasectomy after fathering four children. Future babies are not expected to make this latest round of cuts.

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Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.