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President Biden issued an Executive Order protecting undocumented spouses of U.S. citizens from deportation. As a result, Eastern European & Asian companies selling mail-order brides are now shipping them without return labels.

Apple discontinued their Buy Now Pay Later installment payment plans for products. They say repossessing phones from people who stopped paying is hard because they keep getting sued for reaching into pockets and leggings to take them back.

A Southwest Airlines Boeing 737 Max 8 experienced what’s called a ‘dutch roll’ – wagging of the tail wings while the plane shifts from side-to-side. Not to be confused with a Swiss roll, which is when a jet is filled with chocolate cake & whipped cream.

The CDC is warning of a new ‘double mutant’ flu strain. It’s resistant to antibiotics, and has already put Wolverine and Storm in bed for a week.

Research shows drinking coffee while sedentary may lower the risk of death compared to those who sit for long periods of time and don’t drink coffee. Mainly because of all that running to the bathroom.

McDonald’s ended a trial with IBM utilizing artificial intelligence to process drive-thru orders, after AI was determined to be just as likely to forget to put the goddamned fries in the bag.

ChatGPT was out of service for about 2 1/2 hours on Monday – marking the first time many incel’s virtual girlfriends went down on them.

Former New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick, 72, is reportedly dating 24-year-old Jordan Hudson. Despite being unemployed, the NFL fined Belichick for tampering with a prospect.

French actress Anouk Aimee, Oscar-nominated star of ‘A Man And A Woman’, passed away at age 92. Producers of ‘A Man And A Woman II’ are rewriting it as ‘A Single Man’.

Animal behavior experts are increasingly offering evidence that animals are conscious – citing experiments showing animals seeking pleasurable behavior, such as octopuses and mountain lions with Tinder profiles.

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Gaston Glock, inventor of the Glock handgun, died. The family is currently auditioning 750 different rappers to deliver the eulogy.

Boeing is calling for inspections of its 737 Max jets for possible ‘loose bolts’. They’re also urging inspection of the entire Spirit Airlines fleet for “being 50 years old”.

A Tesla robot injured a human employee at the company’s Texas factory, clawing his back and drawing blood. The robot has since been recruited away to motivate workers at an Amazon warehouse.

Bethenny Frankel said she was searched at LAX after her vagina triggered an airport metal detector. She added that no metal was found, just her neck pillow and another carry-on bag.

BlendJet portable blenders were recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because their blades could break and the motor could catch fire – giving everyone who got them as Christmas gifts two more terrific reasons to return them.

Meadow Walker, daughter of late actor Paul Walker, announced she and her husband are amicably divorcing after marrying in 2021. While the marriage was fast, neither are furious.

A 3-year-old video from Celebrity Apprentice staffer Noel Casler claims Donald Trump wears diapers and that he’s incontinent from drug use, explaining other recent claims that Trump smells bad. Trump disputed claims of his incontinence, saying he’s always lived in North America.

Powerful 20-foot waves along the California shore are breaching seawalls and damaging buildings along the coastline. So far over a dozen surfer dudes have been pulled out of third-floor windows because it’s, like, soooooo gnarly.

Sephora customers are posting TikTok videos saying they’ve stopped using Sol de Janeiro body butter because it attracts spiders. Experts dispute this, but the spiders say that body butter improves the taste of flies.

Natalie Reynolds, an influencer, wore body-painted leggings over a bikini bottom to a California gym. Commenters debated the appropriateness of her body-painted bottoms, while other gym members were angry at having to wipe down machines with turpentine after she used them.

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Alabama called off an execution because they had trouble finding a vein in the prisoner for lethal injection. They rescheduled the execution after they had no trouble finding bullets.

Boeing agreed to pay $200 million for misleading the public about the safety of the 737 Max jet following two fatal crashes in 2018 and 2019. Spirit Airlines faces similar fines for misleading its passengers when promising a pleasant travel experience.

A man was arrested for punching an American Airlines flight attendant in the back of the head on a flight from Mexico to Los Angeles. The flight attendant will be evaluated for head injuries, and may miss work until he can once again demonstrate how seat belts work.

Philadelphia police warned that carjackers are attacking more suburban areas, since they need SUVs and minivans to carpool with other carjackers.

Authorities in Montgomery County, Texas arrested one of their own police officers in an undercover prostitution sting at a local hotel. He was fired, and no one believed his story that he, himself, was undercover as a guy carrying condoms looking for the ice machine.

Only Fans model Valentina Belucci said she gets paid for looking at photos of men’s penises and writing her ‘review’ of them. Although she said it takes a while to get paid by their health insurance.

Pepsi will no longer sponsor the Super Bowl Halftime Show. The NFL announced that Apple Music is the new sponsor, adding that it “couldn’t think of a more appropriate partner” to write billion-dollar checks for ten minutes of forgettable entertainment.

Convicted murderer and cannibal Mark Latunski said he killed and ate a hairdresser named Kevin Bacon – but admitted even he wouldn’t eat liver and Bacon.

Congressman Matt Gaetz, currently facing allegations of sex with a minor, announced he’ll start streaming on Twitch. Gaetz said it’s just one of the ways to view him, including Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, and photos sent to 17-year-olds.

The Boston Celtics suspended head coach Ime Udoka for a consensual sexual relationship with a member of the team’s staff. However, the NBA reassured groupies that they’re still free to engage in sex with the staffs of married players.

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The FCC certified the next generation of wifi. Soon you may notice a speed boost in the signal you’re stealing from your neighbor.

Denmark’s new animated children’s show ‘John Dillermand’, features a man with a gigantic, uncontrollable penis. It airs along with another new animated show about a paraplegic, ‘Mrs Dillermand’.

A University of Tennessee Chattanooga football coach lost his job after calling Georgia’s Stacey Abrams “Fat Albert” on Twitter. Said the university President: “hey hey hey..you’re fired”.

High-end rare-sneaker reseller to the stars, Benjamin Kickz, was arrested and jailed in Miami for felony robbery. He was not placed on suicide watch because the shoelaces are really valuable too.

The Buffalo Bills are reportedly close to finding a naming rights sponsor for their home field, currently called Freezing Cold Dump Of A Stadium.

KFC introduced the KFC Chicken Sandwich, which it calls ‘an upgrade in every way’ over its current Crispy Colonel sandwich. The new sandwich has 20% more chicken, or, 40% of the meat.

The U.S.’ newest national park is New River Gorge National Park & Preserve. Because it’s in West Virginia, it’s the only national park with a licensed concession stand to purchase meth and opioids.

Education Secretary Betsy Devos and Transportation Secretary Elaine Chao both resigned from their Cabinet positions. They’re the first two female Trump appointees to quit on the same day without also filing sexual harassment lawsuits.

Miya Ponsetto, 22, was arrested in California for assaulting a 14-year-old boy at a New York City hotel who she’d falsely claimed stole her phone. She may fight extradition from Los Angeles to New York, until cops lie and tell her its for an audition.

Boeing agreed to pay $2.5 billion in fines after lying to the FAA about the 737 MAX engineering problems. It’s the largest such settlement for airline deceit, at least until Spirit Airlines settles lawsuits regarding their claiming “it’s a great way to fly”.

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Worcester, Massachusetts police arrested two boys and two girls, all ages 15 & 16, for throwing bricks at cars. The boys were referred for juvenile detention, and the girls were given softball scholarships.

The FAA issued new guidelines for home delivery of packages by drones. The guidelines expressly forbid the use of camera drones piloted by horny teenagers.

Donald Trump was reportedly upset with renovations to his Mar-A-Lago residence when he arrived for the holidays. He was most angry that nobody installed a younger woman.

American Airlines carried the first passengers on a Boeing 737 MAX since the jet was reauthorized by the FAA. It departed Miami at 10a.m. and arrived ahead of schedule when it touched down spinning into the Atlantic Ocean.

Billie Eilish lost 100,000 Instagram followers in a half-hour after posting sketches of women’s breasts. Some speculated that her younger followers’ parents were offended, while others thought the breasts just weren’t big enough.

The more contagious COVID-19 strain believed to have come from the U.K. has been confirmed in Colorado, where it plans to stock up on weed before heading back home.

At the current slower-than-expected pace, it will take ten years to vaccinate every American against COVID-19. The good news is that the vaccine they finally get will cover COVID 20 thru 30.

$600 stimulus checks will begin to arrive this week. The most-stated use of the money will be paying bills, while the least-stated use is tipping Grubhub or Postmates delivery drivers.

A happy Chrissy Teigen posted that she’s now “four weeks sober”, while happier Instagram users say it’s been five weeks since they unfollowed Chrissy Teigen.

A 21-year-old Russian sumo wrestler, Dzhambulat Khatokhov, once called “the world’s heaviest boy”, passed away. No cause of death was given, but those closest to him said he had kidney problems – namely, eating so many of them.

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Burger King is launching a dollar menu called $1 Your Way. They’re also launching a two-dollar menu, where they’ll run across the street and get you McDonald’s fries.

A Connecticut woman discovered her four-year-old spent $16,000 in the Apple App Store on premium items for racing game Sonic Forces. She’s angry at Apple for not refunding her money, and angry at her kid for still sucking at the game.

Over 70 cadets at West Point Military Academy were discovered cheating during an online calculus exam. It’s the worst West Point cheating scandal in decades, equal to the 75th-worst cheating scandal at University of Phoenix this week.

Three different skiers died in two massive Colorado avalanches over the weekend. Each will be given a cowboy funeral since they died with their boots on.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said $600 government stimulus checks will begin arriving a few days after Christmas, but Americans will be unable to exchange them for the $1,200 checks they really wanted.

A truck carrying propane tanks flipped and exploded on the Long Island Expressway. Multiple fire companies responded with thousands of marinated chickens.

The United States is on track to record 3.2 million deaths in 2020, the highest total ever and 400,000 more than 2019. Forecasters say a COVID-19 vaccine may cut 2021 deaths, but that reduction could also be offset by the relaunch of the Boeing 737 MAX.

Tech website cNET gave 2020 Innovation Awards to the COVID-19 vaccine and the Playstation 5 Dualsense Controller – two things most people don’t have a chance of getting until June.

As a Delta jet taxied to a departure runway at Laguardia, two passengers opened a cabin door and slid down to the tarmac along with a large service dog. The dog told cops there’s no way he could have waited to 30,000 feet to do his business.

Tiger Woods and his 11-year-old son Charlie played in the father/son PNC Championship in Florida over the weekend. Team Woods finished 7th in the tourney, and 1st getting sexts.

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Joe Biden thinks it would help the country heal if Donald Trump attends his inauguration, but he personally doesn’t care if Trump doesn’t go. Trump hasn’t said if he’ll be there, but as of now he’s only checked ‘Interested’.

ESPN terminated ‘NFL Live’ and radio host Trey Wingo, who’s now Trey Wingone.

Scientists think they now know why salmon have been mysteriously dying on the West Coast – they never learned how to swim.

Former Congressman John Delaney proposes giving Americans $1,500 stimulus checks in exchange for getting a COVID-19 vaccine. He claims this will help build immunity, and create part-time jobs earning up to $15,000 a year.

50 billion British Pounds worth of banknotes are missing from the Bank of England and no one has an explanation. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Boris Johnson sent Donald Trump ten boxes of Christmas presents.

A Taiwanese man lied to his wife, telling her the Playstation 5 he bought was an air purifier. She discovered and made him sell it, after their apartment set a new high score for pollen and pet dander.

A Texas high school football player was ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, then ran off the sideline and tackled the referee, concussing him. The referee entered the Concussion Protocol, and the student/athlete entered the Expulsion Protocol.

Queen Elizabeth II’s dog Vulcan died, leaving her with one remaining dog, Candy, who is now the only other bitch in line for the throne.

The FCC & FAA intend to officially ban cell-phone calls made by passengers when the plane is in flight. Although they’re considering an exception for Boeing 737MAX passengers whose jet is falling out of the sky.

Warner Bros Pictures announced it will simultaneously release all its upcoming films on HBO Max & cinemas. However, every microwave popcorn maker is raising prices to $15/bag.

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Wilson sporting goods introduced the Staff Model R, the first golf ball without a coat of paint. They say removing paint will allow weekend golfers to hit the ball farther and straighter into the water.

The world’s lone remaining white giraffe was outfitted with a GPS tracker to protect it from poachers. The giraffe said the GPS is great, but he’d probably feel safer with a gun of his own.

Lena Dunham opened up about her difficulty having biological children due to endometriosis, drug abuse, and potential male sex partners getting to know her.

Khloe Kardashian won the People’s Choice Award for Best Reality TV Star, edging out four other nominees sitting on her couch.

The Boeing 737 MAX has been cleared to fly after a two-year ban. FAA Administrator Steve Dickson said “I’m 100 percent comfortable with my family flying on it…especially my mother-in-law.”

Fortnite is getting in-game video chat, to the delight of gamers who like to play battle-royale games while watching men masturbate.

Harvey Weinstein is reportedly being treated for a high fever and a possible COVID-19 infection in prison. If his condition worsens, he may be placed on a ventilator connected to the exhaust pipe of a garbage truck.

Two men in Queens, New York – Jie Zou and Jonathan Zhang – were arrested on assault charges for a street brawl over a parking spot, ending in a car being driven through the front of a bakery. The fight is now being made into a Jackie Chan movie.

A Medieval soldier’s remains were found next to swords and knives at the bottom of a lake in Lithuania. Researchers concluded he probably lost his battle, and also had a hard time swimming holding swords and knives.

A Wisconsin police officer who’s killed three civilians in the last five years is resigning from the force, for failing to meet his quota.

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Eastern Kentucky linebacker Michael Harris was arrested after dashcam video shows him lifting a police officer over his head during his arrest. He remains in jail, but is hoping to get out in time to bench-press cops at the NFL Combine.

Attorney General William Barr told ABC News that President Trump’s tweets “make it impossible to do my job”. Meanwhile, Trump is telling aides that the new White House intern’s tight blouses and skirts “make it impossible to do my job.”

Subaru received low scores in the J.D. Power Vehicle Dependability Study, based mostly on responses from the member of broken-up female couples who don’t get to use the Subaru anymore.

Walmart announced it’s discontinuing their ‘high-end personal shopping service’, Jetblack. Walmart said it was losing money on the $50-a-month service, despite being able to pay six employees for $50 a month.

Genea Sky, a stripper whose fall from a 15-foot pole was seen millions of times, said she no longer wants to dance again. Sky said she suffered a fractured jaw, although it’s unclear whether that was caused by the fall, or a busy night in the Champagne Room.

A California lab claims to have created a coronavirus vaccine. They plan to start testing on humans this summer, just as soon as they can round up 100 people who each have coronavirus and $50,000 cash.

Roku claims that, by 2024, half of U.S. cable households will have cancelled their video service. Comcast disputed that claim, saying it’s impossible when their current on-hold times to disconnect TV average around three years.

Aerosmith welcomed back drummer Joey Kramer, after telling him he couldn’t perform with the band at the Grammys. Band members admitted they couldn’t really see or hear who was playing the drums, anyway.

Southwest is cancelling almost 400 daily summer flights each day because of Boeing’s cancellation of the 737 MAX. They’re communicating the news to passengers by telling them they’re in boarding group Z.

Universal is planning to open a “Classic Monsters” land in its Epic Universe Theme Park. Kids will be able to interact with scary monsters of yesteryear, such as Dracula, Frankenstein, the Wolfman – and the grandparents who came along on the trip.

 

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The world’s second-ever infant born to a woman receiving a uterus transplanted from a cadaver was delivered at the end of 2019 in Philadelphia. The baby’s first words were “not for nothin’ but did youse know there’s a dead lady’s uterus in there?..”

A study in the Journal of Preventative Cardiology claims persons drinking tea three or more times a week live longer. After reading the study, three 19-year-olds died drinking Twisted Tea.

Newly released internal emails reveal a Boeing worker saying that the grounded 737 MAX was “designed by clowns”. In a statement, Boeing said that was just one jet designed for transporting 500 clowns in a 150-passenger aircraft.

A fossil found in Nevada reveals the Earth’s oldest animal guts. The fossil was found in the bottom of a steam tray on the Circus Circus hotel dinner buffet.

In order to attract and retain workers, Taco Bell announced some locations will offer jobs paying six-figure salaries. The store managers will still make $40,000, the $100,000 jobs are for whoever cleans the restrooms.

Justin Bieber revealed he’s battling Lyme disease.  The tick responsible for biting Bieber announced it’s battling Douchebag disease.

The Hubble Space Telescope detected the smallest known mass of dark matter – the building blocks of galaxies –  in the universe. Then they pointed it toward Earth and found the smallest known mass of gray matter in the head of a guy in the Oval Office.

The Federal Reserve is launching five new quarters to commemorate national parks. It would have been six but Disney refused to let them use Mickey Mouse’s picture.

Electric scooter rental company Lime is laying off employees and exiting 12 global markets – leaving commuters in those cities to find other ways to break their arms and get hit by cars.

Roomba robot vacuums with robotic arms are currently being tested. They can move items on the floor, and hit men lying on the couch to get their help cleaning up, goddamnit.