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A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

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MTV Teen Mom Janelle Evans is leaving her husband, asking for full custody of their child, and graduating to VH1 Adult Divorcee.

Just one day after retiring from the NFL, Jason Kelce made good on his promise to Buffalo Bills fans and jumped on to a flaming table, per their tailgate tradition. Kelce just needs to return to Buffalo, warm his hands down the back of his wife’s pants during a winter game, and throw a dildo on to the field to become Bills Mafia King.

A Microsoft engineer warned that the company’s Copilot AI image creator generates violent sexual imagery. Hearing this, dozens of high-school garage bands used it to make their album covers.

A Massachusetts man is suing the federal government for $9.5 million after he crashed his snowmobile in to a Blackhawk helicopter parked on a little-used airfeld. He lost his snowmobile, the use of his arm, and any fun he thought he’d have on a helicopter ride.

So You Think You Can Dance creator/producer/host Nigel Lythgoe faces his fourth sexual assault allegation in three months. Co-host Paula Abdul accused him of being Straight Up, and other women say he asked them So You Think You Can Take Off My Pants?.

CBS ordered a Young Sheldon spinoff series featuring older brother Georgie and wife Mandy, as they raise their baby together in Texas. It’s tentatively titled No Sheldon.

Director James Gunn shared the first shooting location of his Superman reboot – Norway, where Superman flees to his Fortress Of Solitude to wait it out and see just how f*cked up things are after the 2024 Presidential Election.

A man making a social media video walked in to a Glassboro, NJ store and dunked his head in a barrel of pickles, forcing the store to discard them. Police are asking for the public’s help, especially barbers if their customer’s head reeks of vinegar.

A Missouri teacher is accused of attempting to murder her husband by adding toxic lily of the valley plant to 8 beverages, causing severe illness. He’s recovering and learning how to make his own smoothies.

Buffalo Bils QB Josh Allen split his pants at dinner while in Paris with actress girlfriend Hailee Steinfeld as they attended Paris Fashion Week. Allen joked about the mishap, and was invited to model his torn pants at Buffalo Fashion Week.

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Charlotte, a stingray at a North Carolina aquarium, is reportedly expecting a “miracle” birth, since no male stingrays are present in her tank. However, Maury Povich in scuba gear just announced to a tiger shark “you…ARE the father!”

Cunard Cruise Lines’ Queen Victoria reported 154 passengers and crew sick with severe vomiting and diarrhea – overloading Queen Victoria’s thrones.

Amazon Prime Video will air an exclusive NFL playoff game next season, requiring a Prime Video subscription to watch. NFL fans are furious, except for fans of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers, who are saving their energy.

A new study finds a majority of parents talk or text with their adult children several times every week to see how they’re doing, and to see when they’ll get back the money they loaned them.

Jennifer Lopez is reportedly hinting at her retirement from music. This, following the retirement of her vocal cords in 2011.

The Centers For Disease Control plans to drop 5-day COVID isolation guidelines, provided a patient has mild & improving symptoms, is fever-free for 24 hours, or is dead.

A pet cat is being blamed for the first diagnosed case of bubonic plague in a human since 2015. The person is being treated, but the cat is asking for them to be euthanized.

The 49ers/Chiefs Super Bowl drew 123 million viewers – the highest since the Moon Landing. NASA announced plans to resume moon missions with the upcoming launch of Apollo Swift.

A California couple whose gender-reveal pyrotechnics caused a wildfire that killed a firefighter have pleaded guilty to their crimes. At sentencing, the judge popped a large balloon revealing a note reading “It’s One Year In Prison For Involuntary Manslaughter!”

A single-engine plane near Buffalo had its door fly off mid-flight. It landed safely and was welcomed into the Alaska Airlines commuter fleet.

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Masturbation abstinence ‘nofap’ groups are growing in popularity online. Men say they’re a great way to regain control of your life, and to get awesome ‘please come back to Pornhub Premium’ discount offers.

Real estate website Zillow projects Buffalo, NY to be 2024’s “hottest housing market”, as Zillow experts tried, and failed, to find a better adjective to describe Buffalo home sales.

Rizo Lopez Foods is recalling multiple grocery-stores cheeses including Oaxaca, Blanco Suave, Ricotta & Panela for lethal listeria contamination, which has reportedly already taken the lives of exotic Mexican cheese-eating mice.

Toyota announced plans to build new 3-row, all-electric SUVs in Kentucky, then ship them to states where people know how to use electricity to charge them before they’re sold.

Squatters in Atlanta were arrested for occupying a home and running an illegal strip club in it. The house was eventually listed for sale with 3 bathrooms and 4 Champagne Rooms.

Actor/comedian Kumail Nanjiani said he sought therapy to deal with bad reviews of Marvel’s ‘The Eternals’, in which he co-starred. He got the name of the therapist from Brie Larson, who uses them after every ‘Captain Marvel’ movie appearance.

Kanye West said he’s having difficulty booking arena shows due to his antisemitic rants. But he’s also pretty revved up about his upcoming tour of Iraq, Iran & Syria.

ESPN, Fox Sports & Warner Discovery are teaming up to launch a new streaming service dedicated to sports. Cable companies Xfinity, Spectrum & Cox announced they’re launching a new streaming service dedicated to telling customers their Internet bill is going up.

Travis Kelce’s mom, Donna, revealed that ‘pricey’ multi-million-dollar Super Bowl suites may force her to sit in a ‘regular’ seat. Or, ideally, to just stay home, drink wine and watch the Puppy Bowl without having to hug Taylor Swift every 15 minutes.

For the second straight year, U.S. liquor sales outpaced sales of beer & wine. The spirits industry said sales remain strong because of vodka, tequila, and a surge in the number of healthy livers for transplant.

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A judge blocked the proposed merger of Spirit and Jet Blue airlines, saying it could harm consumers. Lawyers for Spirit argued the merger couldn’t possibly harm consumers more than flying Spirit Airlines.

Costco is testing a new system requiring members to scan their membership card to enter – and requiring them to scan $200 worth of bulk-packaged crap to exit.

Google is upgrading Google Maps so the app will work in underground tunnels. This is great news if you’re a driver who’s somehow worried about getting lost while driving in a tunnel

According to a new survey, longtime Tinder users say the app has been bad for their mental health, despite their genitals never being happier.

A 10-year-old boy was attacked at a Bahamas resort during a “swim with the sharks”. Not only did he get to swim with the sharks, he also got a free helicopter ride.

The state of Virginia is warning of measles exposure from a traveler who passed through Dulles Airport on January 3rd and Reagan Airport on January 4th. The measles achieved Platinum status on United.

SpaceX is holding a charity auction, with bidding starting at $15,000 to send an item to the International Space Station for a month. So far, the high bidder is Melania Trump, who won’t say who or what she’s sending.

Tim Hortons Donut shops in Buffalo are accused of making employees violate a travel ban during a blizzard to come to work. Shop owners said they did it because police were still working.

Imprisoned singer R. Kelly said he wasn’t aware he lost a $10.5 million judgement from women who claimed he victimized them, and that his illiteracy keeps him from understanding legal proceedings. As an example, Kelly claims he just learned his middle name is P.

Royal Caribbean took possession of the world’s largest cruise ship, the Icon Of The Seas. It has 20 decks, weighs 258,000 tons, and can accommodate 1,000 people vomiting at the same time.

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Chevy Chase was uninjured after falling off a stage during an appearance in Buffalo. Chase has also fallen off of consideration for every movie & TV project in Hollywood.

Buffalo Bills head coach Sean McDermott apologized for using the 9/11 terrorists as an example of teamwork in a 2019 meeting with players. He then added that he hates both the terrorists and their New York Jets.

A 6-year-old New Jersey girl is now one of the youngest members of Mensa – although New Jersey Mensa chapters only require members to know which fast food restaurants are at which New Jersey Turnpike rest stop.

Paris Hilton explained why she didn’t change her son’s diapers for the first month after his arrival. She said she’d paid extra to the surrogate who delivered him for a 30-day extended service contract.

Vladimir Putin said he’ll run for President of Russia once again in the 2024 election. Russian tv networks are having trouble setting up debates because they don’t know when other candidates will recover from being poisoned.

Dollar General is cutting back on its use of self-checkouts, saying their regular customers struggle multiplying the number of items in their cart by $1.

National Geographic unveiled their 2023 Pictures Of The Year – and once again none of them are a centerfold.

Former U.S. Representative Tom Suozzi is the Democratic nominee in a Special Election to replace expelled New York congressman George Santos. He’ll take on the GOP nominee, a mysterious cabaret performer & socialite Egroegia Sotnas.

A viral TikTok shows a man boarding a Spirit Airlines flight wearing a parachute. He stowed it, because he’d brought it to go skydiving at his destination. However, no explanation was given why the flight’s pilot & co-pilot also wore parachutes.

Privacy advocates are advising Instagram users to make their accounts private, since public images are being used to train parent company Meta’s A.I. image generator. It may be too late, since the A.I. can now draw every Kardashian woman’s breasts from memory.

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A JetBlue pilot with a blood-alcohol level four times the legal limit was removed from the cockpit of a flight departing Buffalo, NY. He was later fired and stripped of his Buffalo wings.

Melinda French Gates, ex-wife of Bill Gates, opened up about her divorce in an interview with CBS, saying “I couldn’t trust what we had” adding “except, you know, for the billions and billions of dollars”..

‘Miss Teen Washington’ winner Kate Wilson, 17, faced calls to step down after an old Tik Tok video emerged showing her using the n-word. No word on her decision, but she may just switch to Miss Teen Alabama.

An Argentinian teenager was electrocuted after leaving the family dinner table to charge his phone. Unlike the teen, his meal got cold.

The January 6th Committee assert Donald Trump and his lawyer collaborated in a criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. The Committee said they’ll be adding this criminal charge to the pile.

Some Russian oligarchs are speaking out cautiously against the war in Ukraine; specifically, the ones with no plans to see President Putin anytime soon.

Kim Kardashian was declared legally single, after a California judge issued a first-of-its-kind divorce decree on Instagram.

Premature menopause is linked to dementia risk. While that is cause for concern, these women can worry less about forgetting to take birth control.

A Wisconsin woman choked her lover to death during sex and then dismembered him, putting his head and genitals in a bucket and his legs in a Crock Pot. She forfeited her entry in her church’s upcoming chili cookoff.

Wheel Of Fortune host Pat Sajak took to Twitter to defend three contestants whose inability to solve a near-complete puzzle ‘ANOTHER FEATHER _N YO_R _A_’ captivated social media. Sajak cited the pressure of the game, and that he tipped his lap to their courage.

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Parts of Hawai’i received up to two feet of rain on Monday & Tuesday. “I can’t remember this area seeing something this bad” said attendees at the 80th Anniversary of Pearl Harbor.

The Christmas tree outside of Fox News in New York caught fire, after briefly coming into contact with Tucker Carlson’s pants.

Olaf Scholz officially succeds Angela Merkel as Chancellor of Germany, after the country decided they needed leadership with an even-more-German-sounding name.

The Blanco Fracture Zone, a fault line off the Oregon coast, generated 40 earthquakes in 24 hours. Oregonian hipsters were cool with it, though, because they were organic.

Donald Trump’s new social media company filed a presentation with the Securities & Exchange Commission that only gave partial names of its employees, listing a Senior Mobile Developer as “BJ”. New CEO Devin Nunes said they confused “employees” and “benefits”.

One of the accusers in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex trafficking trial said Maxwell “assessed her body” for presentation to Epstein when she was just 14. And whaddaya know?…she passed. [Editors Note: Ghislaine Maxwell is a goddamned monster and should never see freedom again.]

Workers at three Starbucks shops in Buffalo, NY are voting to unionize. Union organizers say the workers need to be treated fairly, while Starbucks said the union’s request for snow days will put the stores out of business within a week.

China’s Yutu 2 lunar rover captured images of a mysterious “hut” on the far side of the Moon. Little is known about the hut, except for its red roof and a tabletop Ms. Pac-Man console.

The Omicron variant of COVID-19 was confirmed in Florida. It didn’t want to go, but it needed to use air & hotel miles before the end of the year.

NASA announced they’ve commissioned a new telescope to see inside black holes, and also graduated 10 new astronauts – five of whom aren’t thrilled to be sent into whatever black holes the telescope finds.

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A small plane crashed through the roof of a Florida home, pinning a 17-year-old girl against the wall of her bedroom. The girl was removed safely, and the plane was led away in handcuffs.

A public interest advocacy group tested wine and beer and found traces of weed killer glyphosate in 19 out of 20 samples. The 20th sample, Coors Light, was mostly weed killer.

An New Zealand woman returned from her Australia vacation to find a spotted python curled up in her shoe. The python had begun shedding its skin during the 9,000 mile flight, so the woman was thrilled to get a belt to go along with the shoes.

A Georgia woman was arrested for disorderly conduct following a rage episode at McDonald’s after being informed of a five-minute wait for an apple pie. She was taken in to custody and photographed in red jail garb reading ‘Caution: Contents Extremely Hot’.

The White House is denying a claim that Donald Trump kissed Alva Johnson, an Alabama campaign staffer for Trump, in front of multiple people without her consent. The White House claims their denial is based on no one remembering Johnson vomiting afterward.

An ‘internet linguist’ advises against using responses such as ‘okay’ or ‘k’ in response to work emails, since it may come off as passive aggressive. Instead, they recommend deleting the email and saying you never got it.

High winds and freezing temperatures caused an ‘ice tsunami’ on the shores of Lake Erie near Buffalo, with walls of ice breaching barriers, knocking out power and closing roads. Buffalo city officials are calling it the worst weather disaster since whatever happened last week.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety tested small SUVs’ ‘pedestrian detection’ systems. Honda, Subaru, Volvo & Toyota received the highest scores. The BMW SUV failed entirely, running over the test pedestrian because it was already late for a tee time.

  • All SUVs failed the more challenging, but less strict, squirrel detection test.

Microsoft introduced the Hololens 2 augmented reality headset at Mobile World Congress in Barcelona, demonstrating real-world uses, including industrial equipment repair, medical procedures and group meetings. The headset costs $3,500 and comes with a 2-year subscription to Pornhub Premium.

An unvaccinated five-year-old French boy brought measles to Costa Rica, the first outbreak in the country in five years. “Welcome back” said customs officials to the boy and his measles.

 

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Lady Gaga’s ‘A Star Is Born’ passed Whitney Houston’s ‘The Bodyguard’ in ticket revenue, making it the highest-grossing film ever by a musician. Each of those films passed Mariah Carey’s ‘Glitter’ as soon as they each sold five tickets.

Angelina Jolie is set to star in a new thriller, ‘Those Who Wish Me Dead’ – adapted from divorce proceedings with her ex-husbands.

A blast of polar air descending on the midwestern U.S. will make Chicago colder than Antarctica on Wednesday. It’s so bad, the Chicago Blackhawks are looking forward to leaving early for their Friday game in Buffalo.

Pennsylvania prison officials at SCI Phoenix say that a camera drone followed inmate Bill Cosby while he was outside in the prison yard. The drone hovered for five minutes of material, deleted it, then flew away.

Two Danish clothing designers are finding success with their new apparel line, Carcel. All Carcel items are made by women serving in maximum security prisons in Thailand and Peru. They say their biggest challenge is keeping the inmates from adding pockets for cell phones and chisels.

Alleged NXIVM sex cult leader Keith Raniere made his third request to a judge for immediate release on bail. His lawyer claims that he’s being held without just cause, and also Raniere isn’t thrilled with the sex cults in jail.

The Sackler family, owners of Purdue Pharma – sellers of OxyContin – face a lawsuit accusing them of profiting from the opioid crisis.  The lawsuit is the result of an investigation known as “Operation Duhh”.

A Fox News anchor, Julie Banderas, criticized President Trump on Twitter for “bullying” fellow Fox News journalists John Roberts and Gillian Turner.  Bible historians checked this off their lists, leaving just 6 more signs of the apocalypse to go.

Boston University researchers studying the brain of Atlanta Falcons linebacker Tommy Nobis determined at the time of his death at age 74, he suffered from the most severe form of CTE. NFL doctors also gave Nobis’ brain their most severe CTE rating: Moderate.

A 911 dispatcher in Indiana took a call from a child seeking help with math homework. She helped him solve a problem about fractions, because he was so polite, and because it was more fun than hearing the people on hold shriek about their relatives’ heart attacks.

A man is suing Gwyneth Paltrow, saying she caused him a brain injury and four broken ribs. A judge ruled there needed to be two separate suits — one for the skiing collision with Paltrow that caused the broken ribs, and one for the brain injury which the man sustained from reading Paltrow’s website, Goop.