By |

Egyptian researchers unearthed what’s believed to be the world’s oldest mass-production brewery. Then they discovered it made Coors Light, so they buried it again.

The Los Angeles School District eliminated 133 positions for police officers in city schools. So the Bloods & Crips took over the Drama Club and will use real weapons in the Spring musical production of West Side Story.

Much of Texas remains without power following severe winter weather. It’s so cold, Mexicans are building a wall to keep Texans from sneaking in and stealing the heat.

Republicans in Congress are blaming the ‘Green New Deal’ for Texans freezing, despite no such program ever being enacted – unless you count the Texas GOP letting residents freeze to death, which is the Gangrene New Deal.

Amidst fierce competition from McDonald’s, Popeyes and others, Burger King is updating its chicken sandwich to the one you get at McDonald’s or Popeyes.

Britney Spears shared an image of a Scrabble board, asking fans to “decipher this code”, adding “I think this Ouija board is broken”.

Court documents reveal Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene filed for divorce while having an affair with a tantric sex guru, but called it off because she didn’t want to remarry and change her name to Mrs. Marjorie Taylor Tantric Warrior.

Apple is updating emojis with its latest OS release, including the addition of a helmet to the rock-climber emoji, and a life-support system to the fallen rock climber emoji.

The European Space Agency seeks astronaut candidates with physical challenges or disabilities. The Russian Space Agency has already filled their opening with a three-legged dog.

Bam Margera was removed from the cast of ‘Jackass 4’, because he couldn’t control his addiction issues long enough to be reliably shot in the scrotum with a tennis ball cannon.

By |

Burger King is launching a dollar menu called $1 Your Way. They’re also launching a two-dollar menu, where they’ll run across the street and get you McDonald’s fries.

A Connecticut woman discovered her four-year-old spent $16,000 in the Apple App Store on premium items for racing game Sonic Forces. She’s angry at Apple for not refunding her money, and angry at her kid for still sucking at the game.

Over 70 cadets at West Point Military Academy were discovered cheating during an online calculus exam. It’s the worst West Point cheating scandal in decades, equal to the 75th-worst cheating scandal at University of Phoenix this week.

Three different skiers died in two massive Colorado avalanches over the weekend. Each will be given a cowboy funeral since they died with their boots on.

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin said $600 government stimulus checks will begin arriving a few days after Christmas, but Americans will be unable to exchange them for the $1,200 checks they really wanted.

A truck carrying propane tanks flipped and exploded on the Long Island Expressway. Multiple fire companies responded with thousands of marinated chickens.

The United States is on track to record 3.2 million deaths in 2020, the highest total ever and 400,000 more than 2019. Forecasters say a COVID-19 vaccine may cut 2021 deaths, but that reduction could also be offset by the relaunch of the Boeing 737 MAX.

Tech website cNET gave 2020 Innovation Awards to the COVID-19 vaccine and the Playstation 5 Dualsense Controller – two things most people don’t have a chance of getting until June.

As a Delta jet taxied to a departure runway at Laguardia, two passengers opened a cabin door and slid down to the tarmac along with a large service dog. The dog told cops there’s no way he could have waited to 30,000 feet to do his business.

Tiger Woods and his 11-year-old son Charlie played in the father/son PNC Championship in Florida over the weekend. Team Woods finished 7th in the tourney, and 1st getting sexts.

By |

Apple Watches will soon receive Watch OS 7, with even more metrics to measure your overall health. After installation, the default health assessment is “not great”.

A reporter was accused of calling White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany a “lying bitch” – but the claim was disproved by the White House’s official transcript of the briefing. However, “lying bitch” does appear in the official transcript of just about every Oval Office conversation.

Pfizer and BioNTech will get a $1.95 billion order for COVID-19 vaccines from the U.S. Government. It’s $1 million to develop the vaccine, and the rest to cover lawsuits.

The State Department ordered China to close their consulate in Houston. Although it was really less of a consulate, and more of a place for Chinese guys to hang out and hear NBA stories from Yao Ming.

Kanye West claims he’s trying to divorce Kim Kardashian, and is seeking advice from someone who knows a lot about divorce – Kim Kardashian.

A FedEx driver was captured on a doorbell camera refusing to assist an 89-year-old man who had fallen on his porch. He did put a tracking number on him so his family could see where he ended up.

Walmart announced it will no longer open stores on Thanksgiving Day, and will instead designate a new day for doorbuster sales so customers can be trampled.

A new study claims three simple acts can stop individuals from transmitting COVID-19: 1) wearing masks; 2) maintaining distancing; and 3) dying from it.

A construction worker in Osaka, Japan was arrested for writing ‘unkopuuuun’ – which translates to “pyewwww poop” – in permanent marker on a public toilet seat. The judge did praise his courtesy, since you needed to put the seat down to read it.

A federal judge dismissed a lawsuit filed by vegans against Burger King, who they claimed were deceived because the chain’s Impossible Whoppers are grilled next to beef. The dismissal ups Burger King’s record in food quality lawsuits to 1 win and 2,000 losses.

 

 

By |

In recognition of Pride Month, producers at Nickelodeon announced that cartoon character SpongeBob Squarepants is gay. Specifically, he’s a Bikini Bottom.

A Wisconsin trainer at an Anytime Fitness gym was fired for creating an “I Can’t Breathe” workout. In addition to disrespecting the memory of George Floyd, the workout was considered too dangerous, since it was done while wearing a plastic bag on your head.

Burger King is adding Impossible Foods’ meatless sausage to its breakfast menu. It joins the Impossible Whopper as part of Burger King’s “Impossible To Eat” lineup.

Ground beef sold at Walmart is being recalled for possible E.coli contamination. Plant-based beef substitute is also being recalled for possible contamination with weed killer.

A British woman incubated and hatched three ducklings from eggs she purchased at a supermarket – but later claimed her omelet was terrible.

China removed the pangolin – an animal believed to be a coronavirus carrier – from its list of approved ingredients for ‘traditional Chinese medicine’.  However, they reassured citzens ground-up bat wings will still cure the common cold.

Donald Trump’s niece will write a tell-all book about him, making it an even one-hundred tell-all books about Trump in just four short years.

New Jersey entered Phase Two of its coronavirus recovery plan. Residents are still encouraged to wear face masks as well as eye masks to limit exposure to bikini and speedo clad Jersey Shore bathers who really shouldn’t be wearing them.

Dumbbells and weight plates are sold out at many retailers as gyms remain closed due to the coronavirus. Amazon delivery drivers are getting incredibly ripped throwing the packages on to porches.

90s virtual pet craze Tamagotchi is making a comeback. The Tamagotchi Wonder Garden pet sells for $60 – or, for $100 if you want to hire somebody to take care of it from 9 to 5.

 

 

By |

Donald Trump suggested coronavirus could be treated by injecting disinfectant, causing the makers of Lysol to say it’s a bad idea, but would kill 99.99% of those who try it.

Nintendo confirmed 160,000 Nintendo store & eShop accounts were accessed in hacking attempts. They recommend activating two-factor authentication, where you first enter a password, then verify your voice saying “It’s-A Me”.

Valerie Bertinelli turned 60 – 21,915 days at a time.

A Fashion Institute of Technology professor of textiles said sweatpants and leggings worn during lockdown can go “a week or two” without washing – adding that when the time is right, they’ll probably just jump in the washer themselves.

Former U.S. Women’s National Soccer team goalie Hope Solo gave birth to twins. The doctor handed them to her, and she resisted the urge to kick them to midfield.

Neiman Marcus is filing for bankruptcy. If they have to ask how much they owe, they can’t afford it.

A 55-year-old man in a surgical mask was arrested for exposing his genitals outside of a Pittsburgh area Target. The store manager was quick to assure everyone that it wasn’t a Target Team Member.

Chipotle shared the recipe for its guacamole – the last line is how you collect $3 from everyone who eats it.

Burger King is giving 10,000 free Whoppers to people who scan a QR code in a commercial, meaning no free food for anyone who left their phone more than six feet away.

Police in Fairfax County, Virginia arrested 30 pedophiles targeting children who were taking classes online. Almost all of the accused are trying to convince judges they were teaching Health class.

By |

CBS cancelled ‘God Friended Me’ after two seasons. Its rumored replacement is ‘God Wants NCIS: Miami’.

Bill Peters, former coach of the NHL Calgary Flames who was fired for using slurs, was hired by Russia’s KHL. “Alright, let’s get skating (Russian word for fa**ots)!!”, said Peters.

Best Buy furloughed 51,000 employees in what will forever be known as ‘The Geek Squad Massacre’.

The Cleveland Browns unveiled new uniforms. They’re the Kansas City Chiefs uniforms and are hoping no one notices when they show up to grab the rings.

Returning Peace Corps volunteers will be eligible for expanded COVID-19 unemployment benefits, but many are more interested in how many of those malaria vaccines are still left.

Deceased Americans are receiving stimulus checks, report their now-less-sad relatives. 

March, 2020 was reportedly the first March without a school shooting since 2002 – unless, of course, you count all of the homeschool shootings. 

Burger King and KFC are planning limited reopenings in the U.K., for Brits nostalgic to get sick the way they used to before COVID-19.

Walt Disney World released its first-quarter injury report. It included older park visitors fracturing their legs, riders with chest pains, and a large, half-naked duck with severe sunburn. 

The Los Angeles Rams’ Brian Allen became the first known NFL player to test positive for COVID-19. He’s sitting alone in the blue sideline tent waiting for someone to tell him what to do. 

 

By |

Verizon is launching a new tool to remotely troubleshoot technical issues in your home without a service technican visit. They’re calling it The Phone.

Amazon hired 100,000 new workers in the last four weeks and are planning to add another 75,000 to replace three-quarters of the first 100,000 that died of exhaustion.

Wildfires have engulfed the area surrounding Chernobyl, threatening extinction to the area’s indigenous two-headed animals.

George Stephanopolous has been diagnosed with COVID-19, or Stephanopoloronaviralous.

NFL staffs will have a practice draft this week in preparation for next week’s official online NFL Draft. They’ll utilize Microsoft Teams; they’d planned to use Zoom but Brett Favre kept crashing the meetings to show his penis.

Bernie Sanders endorsed Joe Biden for President, saying he places his full support behind the guy with whom he shares about one thing in common, sort of.

Deadly tornadoes devastated areas throughout the South and East. Donald Trump plans to tour the area via a GoPro drone with a MAGA cap on it.

Burger King is offering free Whoppers to students who solve a daily math problem. Then, it’s up to their parents to solve the weight gain and blood pressure problems.

Australia has its first ‘stool bank’, where people can get $25 donating healthy stool samples used in transplants to correct digestive disorders. Donors are given a battery of tests, frustrating the efforts of enterprising dogs looking to get Snausage money.

Police in Indonesia’s central Java province employ residents dressed in white sheets as ghosts – ‘pochong’ – to spook people into staying home at night during the coronavirus outbreak. Then they spend the day spooking workers into extending their shifts at the Nike factory.

By |

A 105-year-old Illinois woman successfully renewed her driver’s license. When she entered the DMV, she was 103.

New England Patriots wide receiver Julian Edelman was arrested and charged with vandalism after allegedly damaging a vehicle by jumping on its hood. Local police overruled NFL referees on the scene who had sought to penalize the parked car.

Samsung introduced a new midpriced phone, the $499 Samsung Galaxy XCover Pro. The phone’s key feature is a removable battery, which Samsung says is easily swappable after the first one catches fire.

A man survived 20 days in the Alaskan wilderness after a fire burned down his remote cabin in mid-December. Amazon has called off the search for the missing drone delivering his Christmas presents.

The Supreme Court refused to hear a challenge to a New Hampshire law making it illegal for women to expose their breasts in public; but took the unusual step of issuing an opinion that Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg keep her top on anyway.

‘Joker’ led Oscar nominations with 11, infuriating both cinema purists and Commissioner Gordon.

Scarlett Johansson received Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress Oscar nominations. She would act delighted about the rare double-nomination if only it were in her emotional range.

Conservative group ‘One Million Moms’ publicly condemned a Burger King Impossible Whopper ad for profanity, because someone trying the burger says “damn that’s good.” Meanwhile, behind closed doors, children of the Million Moms ask “where’s my f***in juice box?”

A Baltimore Ravens fan collapsed and died climbing stairs during Saturday’s NFL game at M&T Bank Stadium, as his team collapsed and died on the field.

ESPN is reportedly set to offer Tony Romo between $10 million and $14 million annually, making him the highest-paid broadcaster in history. They’re also setting aside $50 million to convince Booger McFarland to quit.

 

By |

A former executive at Juul claims the company knowingly shipped one million contaminated mint-flavored vape pods. Juul called the accusation baseless, and that the pods were clearly labeled emphysemamint.

The ISIS spy who gave U.S. forces information on the location of Abu Bakr Al-Bagdadi was an insider.  ISIS is demanding to know the identity of the flute-blower.

President Trump will invite Conan – the U.S. Special Forces canine injured in the Al Baghdadi raid – to the White House. The dog will get to choose between Big Macs, Whoppers or Snausages.

The Washington Nationals won the World Series. No word on an invitation to the White House, but most players have already said it’s kind of out of their way.

The Arena Football League has ceased operations. Players are cleaning out team and league offices which, ironically, pays better than playing in the Arena Football League.

Fast-food restaurants were graded for their overuse – or lack of it – of antibiotics in beef. Chipotle received the only A. Burger King, Sonic and Applebees received Fs – as did Starbucks, who said nobody’s really buying their Prime Rib Capuccino anyway.

United Airlines is debuting a new Star Wars-themed plane in honor of the new film Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Overbooked passengers who refuse to give up their seat can be dragged off the plane by a service droid.

A California middle school apologized for mistakenly printing a sex hotline number instead of a suicide prevention number on student IDs. Although many students admitted the person they called gave them a new reason to live.

Michael Lohan said daughter Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman is “platonic and respectful”, adding that bin Salman has not once contemplated having Lindsay interrogated and dismembered by staffers.

A life-sized Godzilla attraction is opening at a Japanese amusement park. While visitors expressed excitement at seeing Godzilla, they’re disappointed at the roller coasters being repeatedly shut down after Godzilla steps on them.