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Mercedes-Benz added turquoise blue lights to their cars to indicate when they’re in self-driving mode. Several German pedestrians remain in critical condition from hit & run accidents after being struck by vehicles they describe as having turquoise blue lights.

Philadelphia Police Academy graduated 31 new cadets to join the force. They each received a reloadable handgun and a reloadable Dunkin gift card.

A judge ruled that a list naming 180 of Jeffrey Epstein’s associates will be revealed as part of a settled lawsuit. Bill Clinton and Donald Trump already asked the judge if the female associates on the list come with phone numbers.

Portland International Airport debuted therapy llamas to calm passengers before their flights during the busy holiday season. Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines debuted wolverines at their departure gates to get passengers worked up for entertaining in-flight fights.

The “humblest Christmas tree in the world” – a 31-inch artificial tree dating back to the 1920s – sold at auction for over $4,000. The buyer and their spouse then fought for three hours over decorating it with colored or white lights.

New York Giants third-string quarterback Tommy DeVito appeared for free to sign autographs at a New Jersey pizzeria, after his original appearance was cancelled when his agent doubled his fee to $20,000. DeVito spent time with the owner, and filled out an application to deliver pizzas once the Giants other QBs get healthy.

Comcast/Xfinity revealed a data breach resulting in hackers stealing personal information of over 36 million customers. Comcast then notified customers of a ten percent price increase on cable tv & broadband to pay for security upgrades.

Sag Harbor, New York fired the man hired to portray Santa Claus at a village holiday celebration because he’d challenged Jewish speakers at a public forum discussing the Israel/Hamas war. Sag Harbor children just want the release of toys currently held captive at the North Pole.

Minnesota redesigned its state flag. Critics say the old flag, showing a Native American on horseback, depicted the state’s wrongful displacement of indigenous people. The new flag more respectfully shows a Native American pit boss supervising a casino.

China’s Guangdong Paper Company announced a new bonus plan, where they pay workers an annual bonus equal to a month’s salary if they walk or run 31 miles per month. The workers say it’s a novel way to stay fit, and they appreciate the extra five bucks.

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New research finds people who get up early may have inherited genetic variants from Neanderthal ancestors. Now if they could just stop dragging their spouse by the hair and hunting the family cat.

Poison control centers are getting a large volume of calls from people reacting adversely to weight-loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. This, according to parents waiting on hold for a half-hour after their kid ate the Tide Pods again.

Netflix issued its first-ever public data, ranking viewing of 18,000 different titles by number of hours watched. Comedian Rob Schneider is still searching for his standup special, and is up to 17,900-something.

Tesla issued a software update to 2 million vehicles with a fix to its autopilot function. Over half the cars refused it, telling their owners they drive just fine.

Sears reopened two retail stores in California and Washington – delighting locals who’ve waited several years to return Toughskins jeans that didn’t fit.

The Federal Communications Commission proposed a ban on early-termination and other ‘junk fees’ by cable video & internet providers. Cable companies warn this could punish consumers with higher prices, but also admit they’d be happy to have a new reason to charge higher prices.

Kid Rock said he’s done boycotting Bud Light, and that he has the vomit to prove it.

Popular Science shut down its online magazine, because it kinda wasn’t anymore.

Boston City Council held an ‘Electeds Of Color – No Whites’ holiday party. Then they got into a big argument about whether or not Santa could attend.

A former chef is accused of creating and selling over 1,200 “suicide kits” worldwide that led to dozens of deaths. He faces murder charges. However his cookbook is still a pretty hot seller.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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You Tube’r Gabbie Hanna is being called ‘tone deaf’ for a video where she tells her 7 million followers that they can overcome depression with hobbies like jet skiing. In other news, a dozen teenagers are missing after renting jet skis and never returning.

New Jersey is just days away from instituting a plastic bag & foam container ban. Crackheads will either need to bring their own bag, or carry their purchase in a body cavity of choice.

Comcast/Xfinity & Charter/Spectrum – the U.S.’ two biggest cable tv providers – are teaming up to manufacture & distribute streaming video devices & smart TVs to compete with Roku, Google & Amazon. They say their analysis determined that the streaming hardware space was lacking “terrible customer service”.

Harvard University released a detailed report of its involvement in the U.S. slave trade, including faculty and staff that owned slaves. Harvard said they couldn’t have finished it without the exhaustive research provided by unpaid interns.

Akihiko Kondo, a Japanese man who married a hologram of a 16-year-old girl and identifies as “fictosexual”, said he can’t speak to her anymore because her software is broken. He worries he may never know the results of her pregnancy test.

An 11-year-old Filipino boy was able to survive a landslide by taking refuge in a refrigerator – an ordeal he described as ‘chilling’.

Vice President Kamala Harris is isolating after a positive COVID test. She’s being told to stay away from President Biden – which is on her to-do list every day, anyway.

Warner Brothers Pictures released the first images of actress Margot Robbie in the upcoming film ‘Barbie’. Robbie’s hair & makeup are minimal, but it takes two hours each day to put molded plastic over her crotch with a Mattel trademark.

China reported the first human infection of H3N8 bird flu. Health officials said H3N8 was the order number on the guy’s receipt at KFC.

Firefighters in Washington state were called to rescue a woman who fell into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her dropped cell phone. She was hosed down at the scene but was still refused service later that day at the Genius Bar.

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A box of human heads intended for medical research was stolen from a truck in Denver. Police are offering a $2,000 reward – or, about fifty bucks a head.

The United States ranks 18th in global rankings solving Wordle puzzles; experts blame teen boys who repeatedly guess BOOBS.

Nintendo halted online purchases in Russia. Princess Peach is expected to remain Bowser’s captive for several more months.

Visa, MasterCard & American Express have ceased Russian operations, leading to long-awaited VIP status for Russians with lousy credit scores using prepaid debit cards.

NBC Networks cancelled drama ‘Ordinary Joe‘ after one season. The network said for Joe to be truly ordinary, he needed to get dumped before we really got to know him.

Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are moving back to the U.K. Ozzy wanted to live in a place he could spell.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft is engaged. And boy are his fiance’s wrists sore.

A missing Florida woman was found dead in her septic tank. Her handyman was arrested for murder, and investigators are amazed at the power of her toilet’s flush.

A Comcast executive in Pennsylvania is running for Congress, hoping to find a job that pays him to do even less than he’s doing now.

Pet retailer Chewy invested heavily in Bed, Bath & Beyond, with plans to make it Smelly Bed Bath & Beyond.

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Producers of The Oscars telecast controversially announced multiple technical awards will not be presented on air, to allow more time for co-host Amy Schumer to tell jokes that she stole.

A hostage standoff at an Apple Store in Amsterdam ended with the hostage fleeing to safety and the captor dying after being hit by a police car. The store will remain closed for a day, then reopen with the hostage still fourth in line at the Genius Bar.

A teen boy collected a $1,800 reward offered by his mother for staying off social media for six years. Then he downloaded Tinder and saw his mother.

Tom Brady will produce and star in ‘80 For Brady‘ – featuring Jane Fonda, Sally Field, Rita Moreno & Lily Tomlin – about four older women who attend the 2017 Super Bowl. Robert Kraft is also making a movie and cast two unknown 50-year-old Asian women.

A female professional clown said her Tinder profile was removed because she wore clown makeup in her profile photos. Tinder officials disputed her claim, saying it wasn’t the makeup, it was a video of her lifting her arms and her pants falling down. [Story h/t to J.K.]

Russia invaded Ukraine – leading to an increase in the price of oil, consumer products and, for some reason, your Comcast/Xfinity bill.

Los Angeles’ $1.2 billion program to build housing for the homeless is resulting in a $837,000 cost to house a single homeless person. Even more incredible, the homeless person is then flipping the house for $950,000.

Kim Kardashian asked a judge for an acceleration of her divorce, saying estranged husband Kanye West’s social media posts are causing her “emotional distress” that she “can’t make money from”.

In a new documentary, deceased comedian Jerry Lewis is accused of sexual harassment by two past female costars, claiming he pressed his doyyynkkk against their voyvinnnnggg!

A neurosurgeon’s recording of an 87-year-old man’s dying brain activity is reinforcing the belief that “life flashes before your eyes” before death – or, at least, the parts with nudity.

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Northern Ireland outlawed smoking in cars with children on board. Irish toddlers are now wondering what to do with their free hand while drinking a sippy cup of Guinness.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is shown having difficulty descending a flight of stairs in government propaganda film ‘The Great Year of Victory, 2021‘. Kim’s next movie role will be in ‘The Execution Of The Guy Who Used To Make The Propaganda Films’.

Economists are issuing warnings as the U.S. national debt hit $30 trillion for the first time. President Biden is screening calls from a Chinese guy who called his January envelope “a little light”.

The entire U.S. federal prison system was placed on lockdown after a gang altercation at a Texas prison resulted in two inmate deaths. Visitors were advised to go home, remove the contraband from their rectums, and try to smuggle it in again next week.

Active shooter emergencies were declared Tuesday at a Minnesota high school and a Virginia college. Everything is cool at nursery schools and kindergartens.

Some of the Trump White House documents turned over to the January 6th Committee had been ripped up by Trump, including Oval Office memos, meeting agendas, and incorrect TV Guide Crossword Puzzles.

People are brushing their teeth less during the pandemic, according to a new study of workers taking afternoon Zoom calls with lunch stuck in their teeth.

6,000 people were ordered to evacuate a one-mile radius around a burning North Carolina fertilizer plant, for fear of a devastating ammonium nitrate explosion. Officials haven’t been this concerned about damage from exploding crap since Taco Bell introduced the Double Chalupa.

Netflix announced it’s raising prices to $19.99/month. “Amateurs” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

NASA plans to retire the International Space Station before 2031 by crashing it into the Pacific Ocean. They’ll defray the operating cost starting in 2026 by renting it out on AirlessBNB.

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Comcast introduced a new Video Doorbell to its Xfinity Home Security service, so you can see your empty front porch at the time the guy was supposed to show up to fix your tv service.

Amazon devices with the Alexa assistant now feature a Santa Claus voice. “Ho! Ho! Ho!..set your own goddamn kitchen timer, there’s only a week ’til Christmas Eve you dope”, said Santa/Alexa.

Melania Trump is selling NFTs. The first ones are from her topless modeling sessions, so they’re Nude Fake T*ts.

A troubling TikTok challenge urges school violence on December 17th. But a new wrinkle limits participation to only students who successfully complete the milk crate challenge in the school parking lot.

An FDA decision expands the ability of women in approved states to receive an abortion pill in the mail from a certified prescriber. However, overnight shipping is still the patient’s responsibility.

Former White House Communications Director Alyssa Farah spoke to CNN about the text she sent to Chief of Staff Mark Meadows while the January 6th riots unfolded; a text which read “where are our goddamn Big Macs?”

Pope Francis turns 85 today. So if you’re wondering where all the young boys around Vatican City are, it’s the birthday party.

Sony showed off its new smartphone camera sensor that gathers twice as much light to improve photos – huge news for the four Americans who buy Sony smartphones.

Miss Alaska was crowned Miss America – reinforcing the pageant’s strategic shift away from judging based on physical beauty.

Actor Chris Noth is accused by two women of sexual assault, marking the first time a Law & Order actor has been investigated by Law & Order SVU.

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Pope Francis said that sins of the flesh are not the most serious, referring to sex outside marriage. Catholic priests – who can’t be married – are interpreting this opinion as the ultimate green light.

Comcast launched YouTube TV on its broadband-only streaming service, for those people who’ve always wondered what it’s like to say “my YouTube went out”.

Southeast U.S. grocery chain Publix limited purchase of more items at its stores, including pie crusts, whipping cream, hashbrowns and cooking oil. Oddly enough, southerners face no restrictions on healthy food.

Scientists developed a 46-question test that cat owners can complete to tell if their cat is a psychopath. They admit the test is long, but feel most cat owners aren’t too busy with dates on evenings and weekends.

The Ghislaine Maxwell trial was cut short on Thursday when one of the attorneys became ill. Participants were sent home, despite Maxwell offering to have a teenage girl come to examine the lawyer.

Wisconsin GOP Senator Ron Johnson falsely claimed mouthwash could kill COVID-19. “How would you know?” said his wife, who smells his breath regularly.

A jury found actor Jussie Smollett guilty of falsely reporting a hate crime. He now faces charges of falsely reporting his acquittal.

Kanye West used a concert appearance to ask estranged wife Kim Kardashian to “run right back” to him. Kardashian speculated a return is unlikely, since Kanye failed tryouts for both the Los Angeles Lakers and Saturday Night Live.

A new study found healthy men between the ages of 20 and 65 who vaped nicotine doubled their risk of erectile dysfunction. The vapers who struggled with erections switched to regular cigarettes so at least they could look cool.

Alec Baldwin took his wife and kids Christmas tree shopping, but denies knowing how any of the trees died.

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David Gordon Green, director of horror reboot ‘Halloween’ and ‘Halloween Kills’, says the story of the final film in the trilogy will begin with a huge time jump. The film is titled ‘Independence Day‘.

The vehicle of a woman missing for 20 years, who’d left a note saying she was going to drive into the Ohio River, was found in the Ohio River. Officials have not located or identified her body, but are already saying she could have been more specific.

Motley Crue singer Vince Neil fell off the stage at a Tennessee music festival, breaking his ribs. His fans wondered if he could ever sing again, then remembered he couldn’t sing before the accident.

Facebook disputes recent reports that its artificial intelligence can’t consistently detect hate speech or violence. They countered by providing evidence of thousands of accounts suspended for telling other users to go duck themselves.

A California woman visiting Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas discovered a 4-carat yellow diamond – and is now engaged to the coyote who gave it to her.

A meteorite crashed through the roof of a house in British Columbia, Canada, landing on a woman’s bed at 11:45 pm, missing her by inches, and wrecking the chances of the guy in bed next to her.

NASA is studying ways to build a wifi network on the moon in the hope of improving broadband availability on Earth. Unfortunately, Comcastronauts have missed two straight installation appointments.

Sean Penn’s wife, Leila George, filed for divorce from Penn after one year of marriage. Seems like it was just yesterday that he was punching the wedding photographer.

Synthetic chemicals called phthalates, found in thousands of consumer products, may be responsible for premature deaths of Americans aged 55 to 64, leading to the immediate recall of new Strawberry Phthalate Metamucil.

Bill Clinton was released from the hospital after treatment for a urinary tract infection, so female nurses are allowed to work on his floor again.