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Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader Pete Rose turned 80. Instead of ‘Charlie Hustle’, now they call him ‘Charlie Walker’.

Disney Parks will allow ‘cast members’ to have visible tattoos, multiple earrings and gender inclusive hairstyles. Cruella de Vil got a butch cut, and Donald Duck shed feathers to reveal the Daisy tattoo on his lower abdomen.

Joe Biden announced a full U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan on September 11th. The Taliban & other extremists are looking forward to the U.S. Armed Forces Tent Sale on bazooka & automatic rifles that starts September 4th.

Disgraced financier & Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff died in prison. Madoff promised to donate his organs to 50 different people.

Justin Bieber said in a new interview that his drug use was so bad, his bodyguards would check his pulse when he slept. The bodyguards would be relieved he was alive, and more relieved that he wasn’t singing.

Mexico promised increased efforts to tighten security on the southern U.S. border to stem the tide of illegal immigrants. So they hung over 100 ‘No Trespassing – Private Property’ signs on the wall.

Hayley Hasselhoff – daughter of ‘Baywatch’ star David – made history as Playboy’s first-ever plus-size cover model. Specifically, plus-size-besides-just-the-bra.

Darius, the world’s longest rabbit at 4 ft, 3 inches, was stolen from a home in England. His owner is offering a 1,000-pound reward for Darius’ safe return, and will even throw in one of his feet for good luck.

Experts recommend Facebook cancel its plans to launch ‘Instagram for Kids’. However, Kim Kardashian is demanding they go ahead with it, so her 2 and 3 year olds can become pull-up diaper influencers.

A Colorado district moved school start times back to 8:30 a.m., resulting in 45 minutes additional sleep time for students, according to a new study. This is in addition to the 50 minutes additional sleep each student got in health class.

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Japan will release contaminated wastewater from the closed Fukushima nuclear power plant into the Pacific Ocean over the course of ten years. The bad news is nuclear contamination; the good news is octopuses will have 16 legs.

Wyatt Pike, a singer who’d made the top 12 finalists on American Idol, abruptly quit the contest for “personal reasons”. It’s the most memorable thing an American Idol contestant or winner has done in the last 15 years.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced White Claw Surge, with a higher alcohol content of 8%. “Surge” represents the stomach contents of underage drinkers.

NBC will air ‘Roll Up Your Sleeves’, a special where celebrities, the Bidens, and Obamas discuss the importance of COVID-19 vaccines. Fox will air a competing special, ‘Pull Down Your Pants’, a reading of text messages from Donald Trump and Matt Gaetz.

The Buffalo Bills announced a COVID-19 vaccine will be required to attend games in the fall, in addition to the current requirement of failing a breathalyzer.

Subway closed over 1,800 locations since the beginning of the pandemic. Experts say they’ve been hurt by the lack of drive-thrus, and not having a chicken sandwich, which violates Subway’s policy of putting a visible amount of meat on bread.

A women’s soccer match between the Portland Thorns and Kansas City NWSL ended in fights, with four players being ejected. The fights started because of rough play, and players angry that their teammates wore the same outfit and shoes.

Investigators seized the iPhone of Congressman Matt Gaetz as part of their investigation into alleged trafficking. Gaetz was just two weeks away from an upgrade to a new phone without Venmo payments for sex with teenagers.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star Colton Underwood came out as gay. Bachelorettes say this explains their nights with him in the ‘Fantasy Suites’ singing Lady Gaga karaoke and making Grindr profiles as a ‘goof’.

Egypt impounded the Ever Given, saying the ship’s Japanese owner owes $900 million for the week it blocked the Suez Canal, and for the operation to free it. It’s the largest fine ever levied in Egyptian Traffic Court.

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Marriott Hotels is running a pilot program where human desk clerks are replaced by automated kiosks that check in guests and issue room keys. They’re in response to guest concerns about “catching COVID-19” and “being seen with hookers”.

Tiger Woods was traveling at an illegally high rate of speed when he rolled over his SUV and suffered broken bones. This, according to police investigators and anyone who saw a picture of the twisted wreck.

Kayleigh McEnany joined the panel of Fox News’ ‘Outnumbered’, where women outnumber men in a game show to see who can tell the most lies about Democrats.

Christina Haack [formerly El Moussa & Antstead] announced five new episodes of HGTV’s ‘Flip or Flop’. Co-star and ex-husband Tarek El Moussa will flip to a new blonde wife, and Christina will review her latest flop of a marriage.

Joe Biden’s massive new infrastructure bill incorporates over 100 billion dollars to bring broadband internet service to rural communities, and 100 dollars for customer service once it’s done.

The co-CEO of Elon Musk’s neurotechnology company, Neuralink, claims the company has the technology to create a real ‘Jurassic Park’. This is exciting news for everyone who hopes it happens, and that the dinosaurs eat Elon Musk.

Mike Pence signed a seven-figure deal to publish two books – a memoir, and a steamy romance novel about Stephen Miller.

More than 5,000 people attended an illegal party at Arizona’s Tonto National Forest, resulting in multiple DUIs after drivers drank so many Silver Bullets.

Hollywood producer Scott Rudin is the subject of a scathing article in The Hollywood Reporter, with claims that Rudin threw a baked potato at an assistant, then asking the assistant to get sour cream & chives to also throw at him.

LEGO released a NASA Space Shuttle Discovery set. They also released a Space Shuttle Challenger set that comes with gasoline and firecrackers.

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Drinking a strong cup of coffee a half-hour before exercise has been found to increase fat-burning. Drinking the same coffee during exercise increases mouth-and-skin-burning.

Demi Lovato says in her new documentary that she used crack, which presumably began during filming of her Disney Channel movie ‘Camp Rock’.

Prince’s Paisley Park estate will commemorate the 5th anniversary of his death by allowing a small number of guests to come in and view his ashes, but they won’t be told how they were made purple.

Joe Biden’s dogs Major & Champ returned to the White House following their completion of discipline training – although every Republican Senator voted against their reappointment.

California’s Hope Of The Valley mission will use a $500,000 donation from Alex Trebek’s estate to help fund a new homeless shelter. Categories include “What’s That Smell”?; ‘Where’s My Stuff?’; “Who Are You?”; and “Potpurri”.

Jay Leno apologized for past jokes that offended Asian-Americans. Larry the Cable Guy apologized for jokes that offended the intelligence of everyone who heard them.

Model Chrissy Teigen deleted her Twitter account, which had grown to over 13 million followers. She posted “Live well, tweeters. Please know all I ever cared about was you.” To which her husband and two children replied “huh?”

Discount grocer Aldi is giving employees four hours of paid time off to get COVID-19 vaccines, but they have to bring their own syringe and needle.

Pepsi and candy maker Peeps are collaborating on new Peeps-flavored Pepsi drinks. They’re calling it ‘Pepsi x Peeps’, after rejecting alternate names such as ‘Peepsi’, ‘Liquid Type 2’, and ‘Gorilla Glue For Your Teeth’.

New Zealand will now require employers offer three days’ paid leave after miscarriages – which is both a compassionate step at a difficult time, and the latest foolproof way to fake your way to a long weekend.

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Billie Eilish dyed her signature green & black hair blond, then forgot the words to all of her songs.

A new book, ‘Burn’, by Duke University’s Herman Pontzer, claims exercise won’t help you lose weight. He retitled the book ‘Burn’ after originally calling it ‘Planet Fitness’.

Powerful publicists for A-list movie stars told the Hollywood Foreign Press Association – owners of the Golden Globes – to reform their ethics & diversity or lose access to top stars. HFPA responded by nominating Chuck Norris & Jean-Claude Van Damme for ten 2022 Golden Globes.

Russia is demanding an apology after President Joe Biden referred to Vladimir Putin as a “killer”. They say this is different than Donald Trump praising Putin’s killer abs.

‘She’s All That’ actress Rachael Lee Cook & husband Daniel Gillies finalized their divorce, with Cook keeping all accumulated frequent flyer miles. Cook’s acting work has slowed up so badly, the miles are all on Spirit Airlines.

The IRS delayed the 2020 tax filing deadline until May 17th, in order to lighten their workload from the extra month’s worth of coronavirus deaths.

Google announced a $7 billion investment in physical workspace, including its first-ever operations center in Mississippi. Thousands of unemployed Mississippians lined up to get one of the coveted jobs, in their words, “building Googles”.

The first Super Nintendo World theme park opened in Osaka, Japan – then promptly closed for several hours to search for children who disappeared after sliding down large green pipes.

Barack Obama released his NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament bracket, picking top seed Gonzaga to win it all. Donald Trump broke with tradition and finally shared his bracket, picking the Harlem Globetrotters.

Italians can be fined $60,000 for selling casu marzu – an illegal creamy cheese made from maggots infesting peccorino cheese. The Guinness Book of Records dubbed it “The World’s Most Dangerous Cheese” – stealing that title from Velveeta.

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Papa John’s ex-CEO John Schnatter told conservative cable network One America News that he’s been working for the last 20 months to get the N-word out of his vocabulary. Asked about his progress, Schnatter replied “damn, ni**a it’s tough.”

Joe Biden’s dogs are being sent home to Delaware after a reported “biting incident” with Major the German Shepherd. Major refuses to resign despite this, and several interns saying he humped their leg.

The Queens Gambit is being turned into a stage musical. It’s basically the musical ‘Chess’ that flopped in the 80s, only with a hot female lead.

Donald Trump sent a cease & desist order to the Republican National Committee to stop using his likeness without compensation. Donald Trump Jr. & Eric Trump told the RNC they can use their likenesses, but the RNC said “we’ll pass”.

Dallas Cowboys QB Dak Prescott reportedly signed a new 4-year deal worth $160 million. Prescott will be the second-highest paid QB, now that new Colts QB Carson Wentz restructured his contract so he gets paid $1 million for every turnover.

A meteor reportedly rattled buildings as it flew over the skies of northern Vermont and Canada on Sunday night. Although others believe it was legendary Vermont hero, Syrup Man.

Rob Gronkowski worked with designers of NFTs – non-fungible tokens – to create five rare, one-of-a-kind digital trading cards with his likeness. Gronk then lost the passwords to all of them.

Scientists discovered some sea slugs can self-decapitate and grow a new body – they keep trying until they get a body sexy enough to attract a hot male sea slug.

Mexico is reportedly close to becoming the largest legal-marijuana market. It’s so close, legal weed dealers are taking lessons from cartels on torturing and murdering their rivals.

The Republican-led Iowa state legislature passed new laws aimed to restrict voting in the state, making it more challenging for the five Iowa Democrats to cast their ballots.

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Barack Obama & Bruce Springsteen are producing a podcast about marriage, music and American Life. Toby Keith & Donald Trump are launching their own podcast, to talk about how much they hate Bruce Springsteen & Barack Obama.

American Idol fans were angry about a trans boy being sent home from his audition, while a lesser talent singing a Pitbull song advanced. The judges defended their choice, saying Hollywood has room for two lesser talents singing Pitbull songs.

Karachi, Pakistan is training a rollerblade police force. Several bank robbers have evaded capture by covering their escape route with Tinkertoys.

Tiger Woods suffered leg injuries in a car crash. Initial reports said he had to be removed with the jaws of life, but medics were able to get him out with a wedge.

The FDA confirmed the efficacy and safety of Johnson & Johnson’s COVID-19 vaccine, especially in severe cases. J&J is calling it ‘No More Ventilators’.

Texas won a court case halting the Biden Administration’s 100-day ban on deporting illegal immigrants. Said illegal immigrants “it’s okay, you can deport us, its freezing here”.

A German court convicted a Syrian officer for crimes against humanity, for sending protestors to a prison known for using torture. Because if there’s a country that knows about crimes against humanity, it’s Germany.

Jim Bell, Chief Financial Officer of Gamestop, is resigning, informing coworkers with a message on his computer screen reading GAME OVER.

New York City is reopening movie theaters, just in time for the big premiere of nothing much.

China’s Tianwen-1 Mars expedition craft entered a ‘parking orbit’ prior to landing. China’s Mars rover is expected to touch down in May, then promptly back into NASA’s Perseverance rover.

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Joe Biden spent the weekend at Camp David, where he played Mario Kart with his granddaughter. He kept his kart behind Princess Peach hoping to get a whiff of her hair.

Sia’s new movie, ‘Music’, was savaged by critics for its irresponsible portrayal of autism. Other writer/directors told Sia they “wouldn’t want to be ya”.

Gen Z declared the crying laughing emoji, skinny jeans, and side-parted hair uncool, and that they make you look old. The opinions are creating both hurt feelings and greater self-awareness for 40-year-old guys hitting on 20-year-olds on Tinder.

Nancy Pelosi is calling for a 9/11-type commission to investigate the January 6th D.C. Riots. Republicans dismissed it, saying Trumpers just wanted to murder Congress, not fly jets into the Capitol Building.

A New York Times essay claims teaching kids to do household chores like ordering takeout and emptying the diswasher can enrich their mental health. They say it works best with pre-teens, and not at all with adult male kids.

Sony was hit with a class action lawsuit over defective Playstation 5 controllers, by the thirty people who have actually been able to get a PS5.

Marriott CEO Arne Sorenson passed away. He’s survived by a wife, four children, and a goddamned ton of reward points.

Meghan Trainor gave birth to a baby boy, Riley. Now she’s all about that bassinet.

British researchers discovered “strange creatures” that survive under a mile of Antarctic ice. The males are really turned on by frigid females.

Adidas is selling the Reebok brand it acquired 15 years ago, saying the 1980s called and wanted it back.

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The Tampa Bay Buccaneers defeated the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl LV. Bucs Head Coach Bruce Arians awaited a call from President Joe Biden, then was told the game ended three hours past his bedtime.

Biden spent the weekend in Delaware in the middle of winter, leading to renewed concerns over his diminished mental capacity.

The Buccaneers offensive and defensive coordinators – Byron Leftwich and Todd Bowles – are both black. The Super Bowl win is expected to raise their profiles as candidates for NFL head coaching jobs they won’t get.

A 26-year-old Michigan man died from shrapnel injuries when a cannon fired at a baby shower exploded. Fortunately, the baby landed safely in a net across the yard.

An Idaho woman won $300,000 and $200,000 scratch-off lottery prizes on consecutive days. She said she’s planning a trip to Las Vegas, so the odds can catch up with her there.

NYC domestic violence police officer Valerie Cincinelli was charged with hiring a hit man to kill her ex-husband, and paying him with gold coins. Her life story will be made into the upcoming film ‘John Wick 4: Special Victims Unit’. [story h/t Jim H. ! ]

Country singer Morgan Wallen’s music sales have soared after he was caught on video using the N-word. In response, Toby Keith released video of himself using the same word casually for the last twenty years.

The United Arab Emirates spacecraft Hope is expected to reach Mars orbit after a 300-million mile journey. Hope will analyze Mars surface, then leave as soon as it figures out there’s no oil there.

Tessica Brown created a viral Tik Tok video saying she’d used Gorilla Glue spray adhesive on her hair, and that it’s been stuck there for a month, causing headaches. Gorilla Glue then issued a warning to women, and a coupon to male toupee wearers.

New York City middle schools will reopen to students for the first time in months. Area boxing gyms are offering crash courses to help schoolyard bullies quickly get back in to shape.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.