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An Alaska Airlines jet carrying pets arrived at its Portland, Oregon airport gate with its cargo door already open. People living near the airport said it was raining cats & dogs.

Senator Katie Britt admitted the human trafficking anecdote she shared to criticize President Biden’s immigration policies happened before his presidency..and was actually the movie Taken.

The FDA finally outlawed brominated vegetable oil, an ingredient in citrus sodas banned in most other countries that contibutes to metabolic disease. Recall notices were being prepared for Mountain Dew Lemon-Lime Thyroid Blast.

A new study finds diets that mimic fasting five days a month lowers biologic age. Study participants say they haven’t felt this great since they were starving five years ago.

Pope Francis suggested Ukraine show “the courage of the white flag” and give in to Russia. He also suggested altar boys show “the courage of the White Claw’ and party with him at his place.

Oppenheimer won seven Oscars including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, and most frequently mentioned film that people said they loved but couldn’t finish.

$2.99 Trader Joe’s canvas tote bags are reselling for hundreds of dollars online. They were originally made to help customers collect the pieces that fall off their car when it gets hit in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.

Dan Hilferty, CEO of the parent company of the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, said the team will pay a $50,000 fine incurred by head coach John Tortorella for arguing with referees. Hilferty heard from Donald Trump, who said he’s a huge Flyers fan and was wondering if Hilferty wanted to pay off any of his judgments.

Princess Kate Middleton apologized for Buckingham Palace releasing a modified photo of her & her family, attributing it to her “experimenting with editing”. The Kardashian/Jenner family then apologized 50,000 times for every photo they’ve ever shared.

A human resources expert tells CNBC that they spend “25 times” longer reviewing LinkedIn profiles versus resumes. And another “50 times” longer than that getting ready to fire people.

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An all-woman crew flew a United Airlines flight from Newark, NJ to Sarasota FL to honor Women’s History Month. The flight arrived in 83-degree Sarasota, slightly cooler than the flight where the crew set the thermostat to 90 degrees.

A United flight lost a tire shortly after takeoff from San Francisco en route to Osaka Japan. It returned, made an emergency landing, and waited three hours for AAA.

Comcast’s President Mike Cavanagh listed his 13,000 square foot mansion in the Philadelphia suburbs for $8.495 million. It has 5 bedrooms, 11 bathrooms, a pool, and living quarters for the guy who fixes his cable tv and internet.

National Guard troops were deployed to New York City to deter rising crime in the subway. Several Guardsmen were working undercover, masturbating with their pants down.

Congress is considering a ban on TikTok unless its Chinese parent company sells it. They’re concerned over China harvesting personal data, and demand that an American company buy it and harvest personal data.

Children are being treated in hospital emergency rooms after eating melatonin gummies – but only after getting the best sleep ever during math class.

Republicans and Democrats alike criticized GOP Rep. Katie Britt’s State of the Union response delivered from her kitchen. They say her tone was uneven, lacked agressiveness, and was interrupted multiple times by her husband asking if dinner was ready yet.

A South Carolina woman is allergic to water and even her own sweat and is rarely able to shower. She’s found a social media group of others with similar conditions, who occasionally have outdoor meetups because no businesses will let them indoors.

Gonorrhea cases in Europe nearly doubled year-to-year, and other STDs like syphilis and chlamydia are also increasing. Health officials blame an overall increase in riskier sexual activity, and French schools teaching Unprotected Sex Education classes.

A daughter posted on Reddit that her Mom is miserable, and wants to buy her a sexual affair as a Mother’s Day gift. After several hours, Reddit was back up & running after crashing due to the wave of replies from Reddit incels.

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Rappers Snoop Dogg and Master P sued Walmart for breaching a deal to sell their breakfast cereal. Walmart countered, saying kids don’t want to smoke cereal for breakfast.

Apple is reportedly working on a foldable iPhone, and will begin selling it once they figure out how to make the screen break when it’s folded closed and dropped.

A Florida mom said her kids were expelled from a Catholic School because she advertised her OnlyFans page with a decal on her car. The school said she’s promoting pornography, and stealing traffic from the OnlyFans pages of priests & altar boys raising money for the school.

Google is changing the name of its artificial intelligence assistant from Bard to Gemini, and launching a paid subscription Gemini app. College students now have to figure out how to pay Gemini with Adderall and beer when it writes their term papers.

A volcano in Iceland erupted for the second time this year, sending molten lava 260 feet in the air. Iceland’s Tourism Board called the eruption “not great for our name brand”.

Scientists in England set a record by creating a nuclear fusion reaction for 5 seconds. They see it as a huge step forward in the pursuit of limitless clean energy, but a disappointment since none of them turned into The Hulk.

A hiring expert claims only half of job candidates have questions ready for interviewers when asked “Is there anything you’d like to ask me?” They advise asking about the role, coworkers & company, and not “Are those real?”

Trader Joe’s recalled frozen ‘chicken, lentil & caramelized onion pilaf’ because it may contain rocks. The FDA has launched a broader investigation to the safety protocols of supplier Flintstone Foods.

Taylor Swift released the track list for her new album, ‘The Tortured Poets Department’, and Swifties speculate some are about her breakup with British actor Joe Alwyn, including ‘So Long, London’; ‘The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived” and ‘Joe Alwyn Has A Puny Dick And I’m Glad To Be Banging A Huge NFL Player’.

Finland’s flagship airline Finnair will begin weighing passengers in addition to luggage for what they call “balance calculations” for enhanced safety, and what they call “improved traction” for seating heavier passengers above the wheels.

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FAA officials took the first steps allowing Boeing 737 Max 9 jets to return to the skies. In a related move, Alaska Airlines will now sell premium ‘Panoramic View’ seats next to the giant hole where door plugs used to be.

Saudi Arabia opened its first store serving alcohol. So far, six men offering to buy women a drink have been beheaded.

Johnson & Johnson plans to settle litigation over the safety of its talc baby powder for $700 million. Greedy lawyers are quickly organizing class action lawsuits for victims of diaper rash.

Over 21 million people signed up for Obamacare, including several million in Iowa & New Hampshire who got their registration in before attending a Trump rally.

All teachers & staff at Siouxland Christian School in Sioux City, Iowa will carry guns. Complaints about the salisbury steak in the school cafeteria have been eliminated.

Grocery chain Stew Leonard’s recalled its florentine cookies after someone died eating them. Flags are flying at half-staff on Sesame Street.

A Wendy’s franchisee in Pennsylvania was cited with nearly 800 child labor law violations for not providing breaks for workers. The franchisee said he doesn’t understand why they need bathroom breaks if he’s paying for their Pull-Ups.

Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church. “Open, you say?” .. asked a few hundred Catholic bishops thinking long & hard about making the Episcopal team switch.

Taylor Swift’s fans are battling against AI-generated pornographic images & videos featuring the popular singer. They were being shared on social media sites, and discovered by parents of teenagers viewing them and shaking it off.

10 Philadelphia area restaurants were named as semifinalists for James Beard Awards – while dozens of other steak & wing joints were sent cease and desist orders to never apply again.

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Applebee’s sold out of ‘Date Night Passes’ – cards offering $30 discounts on meals for two years – in less than a minute. Coincidentally, men who got the passes say their dates last less than a minute when women hear they’re going to Applebee’s.

An American Airlines passenger was kicked off a flight before departure for farting too much and bragging about the smell. American said they had no choice because passengers in adjacent rows paid for upgrades to Fartless Economy Plus.

Actor Ryan Gosling shared a social media post critical of Oscars voters denying nominations for ‘Barbie‘ co-star Margot Robbie and director Greta Gerwig. Toy maker Mattel said it was the first time ever that Ken had real balls.

8-year-old Ella Piazza, a little girl who was lifted up by Jason Kelce so she could show a sign and wave to Taylor Swift at a Buffalo Bills game, was contacted by The Today Show for an appearance. She was also contacted by Ticketmaster to pay $75 in fees for seeing Taylor Swift.

A frozen alligator was still alive while fully submerged under ice of a frozen pond in Texas. Wildlife experts said the gator was merely hibernating and should be left alone, after a good samaritan was hospitalized after attempting to give it CPR.

Alaska Airlines & United Airlines found many loose bolts on grounded Boeing 737 Max 9 jets, and are reconsidering future purchases of Boeing aircraft. Boeing’s CEO responded, promising every new 737 Max jet will come with a free monkey wrench.

A new study finds seagulls are shifting their habitats to urban environments. The birds now realize french fries are more plentiful inland, and it’s easier to shit on people at swimming pools versus the beach.

A new study from China finds life expectancy is longer for people drinking three daily cups of tea – a price that’s not too steep.

Lawmakers are asking the FDA to raise restrictions on tianeptine – a dangerous non-prescription antidepressant known as ‘gas station heroin’. It’s called that because of its opioid-like effects, and because it’s free with a fill-up at participating Exxon locations in the deep South.

A man in India dressed in women’s clothing and wore makeup to masquerade as his girlfriend so she could pass a healthcare career exam. They almost got away with it, but he was standing up while giving a sample for an accompanying drug test.

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‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

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Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

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Only 60% of student loan borrowers made payments once they were resumed in October, according to students borrowers asking their parents if they made the payment.

Brazilian model Caroline Werner slammed the country’s legal system after she was arrested and handcuffed for walking her dogs while topless on a local beach. Men on the beach defended Werner, saying they’re always happy to see those puppies.

Pennsylvania is considering a bill mandating active-shooter panic alarms in schools – providing kids hoping to cancel tests witb a second option after the fire alarm.

Uber introduced a new service returning gifts for customers. Drivers are currently learning how to sexually harass sweaters and small appliances.

A bird strike forced the emergency landing of a Southwest Airlines flight. Taking a cue from Southwest, the bird cancelled all of its remaining flights that day.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert announced she won’t run for reelection in the third Congressional district where she lives, but will run in the state’s fourth district. She considered abandoning Colorado altogether, but found out OnlyFans customers don’t get their own Congressman.

Donald Trump issued an angry social media post refuting an accusation that he “bullied” his way to a cameo in Home Alone 2: Lost In New York. He then reiterated his claim that the Wet Bandits stole votes in battleground states.

University of Wisconsin LaCrosse fired Chancellor Joe Gow after discovering he & his wife made & distributed porn videos on adult websites. However, he retains his title as Professor Emeritus of Enterpreneurship & Poundin’ It.

A woman sued her dentist, after alleging he performed 4 root canals, 8 crowns and 20 fillings in a single visit. On the bright side, she met her deductible payment for 2023.

Author Emma Flint faces criticism for defining herself as “abrosexual” – someone whose sexual identity fluctuates and changes. Flint’s supporters include many convicted felons, who say their own sexual identity changed after they went to prison.

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Grandparents attempting to fund a Disney Parks vacation for their family mistakenly bought $10,000 in gift cards to the Disney+ streaming channel. They were able to exchange them, and still owe $7,500 for the vacation.

Consumers are expected to return $173 billion in holiday gifts. It should be more like $350 billion, but some folks just don’t have the heart.

A 14-year-old fled a traffic stop in Philly and crashed the car he was driving following police pursuit. The two other passengers in the car left him a one-star Uber review.

Marjorie Taylor Greene’s home was “swatted” on Christmas Day, as police and first responders were called for a fake emergency. They left after she answered the door in her underwear and they refused her offer to come in for coffee.

Kanye West apologized to Jews for his past anti-Semitic remarks with a message written in Hebrew. He said he would have sent it sooner but it took a LONG time to find someone who speaks Hebrew to write it for him.

A man won $489,000 after betting $5 that 14 specific NFL players would each score a touchdown. His ESPNBet balance is now -$405,000.

Amazon Prime Video will begin running advertisements at the end of January. Your Amazon delivery person will also attach ads to the picture of the package they left on your porch.

Mariah Carey’s 7-year relationship with Brian Tanaka ended. Tanaka said the split was amicable, and Carey said she isn’t too shook up because she makes most of her money off of Santa Claus, anyway.

Following a risky vocal chord surgery, a 9-year-old child is able to speak for the first time. Her parents call it a miracle, but also kind of miss the quiet.

Daihatsu, a Japanese automaker, halted production after admitting it falsified the results of safety tests for 30 years. Japanese officials are currently exhuming thousands of crash test dummies with busted heads from a mass grave.

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Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears had his leg amputated – settling half of his lawyer’s fees for keeping Britney’s conservatorship going all those years.

Video game Grand Theft Auto 6 will feature the franchise’s first female protagonist, Lucia. Instead of punching Vice City prostitutes and stealing their money, Lucia tells them they’re fierce and agrees that sex work is real work.

Taylor Swift is Time magazine’s 2023 Person Of The Year.  They promised Beyonce 2024 because the staff wants to live to see 2025.

Gen Z women posting to social media are embracing the trend of ‘Golden Retriever boyfriends’ – loyal, courteous men who make loving companions, but who also can’t help occasionally humping their leg when they’re excited. 

A recent survey finds over one-third of couples undergo “sleep divorce” – sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring, tv watching, or the bed not having enough room for a third person.

Barbie was named to Forbes magazine’s list of the World’s Most Powerful Women – the first woman to make the list who can’t talk or dress herself.

Norman Lear passed away at age 101. Lear’s pioneering sitcoms like ‘All In The Family’, and ‘Sanford & Son‘ elevated the discussion of race relations in America, and paved the way for other producers to create thousands of hours of network TV dogshit.

Dr. Amy Cohen of Narberth, PA was arrested and charged with attempted murder after setting fire to the home of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s grandmother. It’s now even more difficult to schedule an appointment with her.

Former Congressman George Santos quadrupled his fee for personalized videos on Cameo to $350 following his expulsion. But he’s been ordered to give refunds to people who saw his listing offering videos from Boy George.

Cardi B posted an early New Year’s resolution, saying she plans to drop all “dead weight” in her life. So she unfollowed her husband Offset on Instagram, and made an appointment to have silicone siphoned from her buttocks.