By |

The “entirety of Florida” could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall. It’s so scary, Disney World suspended Mickey Mouse for audibly cursing when he saw the weather report.

President Trump complained that Fox News “doesn’t work for us anymore”.  A visibly shaken Sean Hannity was seen being consoled about the potential breakup.

Justin Bieber led a worship service at his church. Jesus showed up and asked Bieber to stop calling him ‘baby’.

Retired NFL receiver Joe Horn thinks the league should switch from tackle to touch or flag football. Just in case it really happens, the New England Patriots equipment staff is sewing flags to belts so they can’t be pulled off.

USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd kicked a 55-yard field goal at a Philadelphia Eagles practice. Some wondered whether Lloyd could make an NFL roster – with many doubting teams would use timeouts while Lloyd tried on different shoes before going out.

After giving up 10 runs in his latest appearance, New York Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard said he’s “sick and tired” of being unathletic on the mound. He’s asked teammates in confidence if they, too, have ever had that “not so fresh” feeling.

Alice Marie Johnson, who Kim Kardashian helped get out of a lengthy prison term for a drug offense, is modeling Kardashian’s new SKIMS shapewear line – saying she wished she had SKIMS for years so she could fit into a size 8 prison jumpsuit.

Robert Downey Jr said in an interview that he “knew it was time” to retire from the Marvel Cinematic Universe — apparently when he read an Iron Man 4 script that had Tony Stark develop a talking cane.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey apologized for wearing blackface in a racist skit when she attended college at Auburn University in the 1960s. Or, as they called it at Auburn University in the 1960s, a Drama Department audition.

 

 

By |

NFL Superstar Tom Brady spoke to ‘Men’s Health’ magazine for its September issue. The magazine asked healthy-eater Brady what foods he has on his “cheat days”. Brady said he doesn’t remember what he eats before he has the air let out of footballs.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a blind man who claims he couldn’t order a Domino’s Pizza at their website. Lower courts ruled not being able to get Domino’s Pizza made the blind man lucky.

Comcast/Xfinity will now offer their $10 Internet Essentials broadband product to anyone on limited income or government assistance. A Comcast spokesman announced the move, saying “terrible customer service isn’t just for rich people anymore!”

In the wake of a mass shooting, President Trump will visit El Paso, Texas – although many residents want him to stay away. Trump has now visited the sites of so many tragedies, he asked aides if this visit is a “thoughts & prayers” one, or a paper-towel-tossing one.

Disney announced a remake of ‘Home Alone’ for its new Disney+ streaming service. The story reimagines Kevin McAllister as a kid with a cell phone, and the movie is over in ten minutes.

A Walmart employee is urging a workers’ strike to get the retailer to stop selling guns. Walmart executives are concerned that they won’t be able to tell the difference between the striking employees and the ones still on the clock.

Two robbers stole 1,567 gold coins valued at $2.5 million from Mexico’s mint. Police are on the lookout for suspects with saggy, noisy pockets.

Researchers in Asia developed Arque, a robotic tail to be worn by humans that assists them in maintaining balance. It’s designed to be worn when ascending steep inclines, carrying heavy objects, or if you’re a rich alcoholic.

Highway patrol officers have a new tool to detect drivers impaired by marijuana. It’s called the Drager DrugTest 5000. It consists of a mouth swab, and a voice assistant that asks “are you holding?”

Editors Note:

Philadelphia comedian, family man & friend Michael Brooks passed away on Monday. I worked with him lots of times. A great hugger, a fine & unique talent, and a performer that crowds loved and who always delivered a fun, energetic show. He’s survived by his wife and young daughter, so please keep some positive thoughts in memory of a great guy.DSC_2252 (1)

 

By |

Olivia Newton John is auctioning off the black leather jacket & pants she wore as “bad girl Sandy” at the end of ‘Grease’. Her only stipulation is that the auctioneer close bidding by saying “going once..going twice..tell me about it, stud.”

R. Kelly was charged in Minnesota with prostitution and illegal contact with an underaged girl. He already faces charges in New York and Chicago, and will almost certainly be adding more cities to this tour.

Amazon is accused of selling books that promote hatred and white supremacy in its online store — and audio versions of the same books read by White House aide Stephen Miller.

GateHouse Media is merging with Gannett to create the U.S.’ largest newspaper company. It’s the biggest company ever to make a product that nobody wants anymore.

To minimize the nuisance from seagulls, Ocean City, New Jersey hired East Coast Falcons to release trained hawks, falcons & owls to repel the gulls. So far it’s working, but officials received multiple complaints about Speedo-clad hawks bothering women on the beach. 

A new study finds bowls at Chipotle contain cancer-linked non-boiodegradable chemicals. Said a Chipotle spokesperson, “it’s called guacamole”.

A Phoenix postal worker cooked a steak on the dashboard of his delivery truck to draw attention to the “inhumane” working conditions during the Arizona heat wave. He then delivered the steak to the wrong Grubhub customer.

Scottish scientists created an artifical tongue that can identify authentic Scotch whiskey with 99% accuracy and catch counterfeit alcohol. They hope to put the tongues in widespread use once they stop lab employees from stealing and sucking the whiskey out of them.

The NFL’s Houston Texans kicked rookie cornerback Lonnie Johnson, Jr out of a practice against the Green Bay Packers for hitting Packers receivers too hard. Texans coach Bill O’Brien told Johnson to save those concussions for the regular season.

Google is introducing a feature for Android phones where a robotic voice can speak on your behalf to 911 operators. It recognizes phrases like “I’m having a heart attack”, “my house is on fire” and “where is my pizza?”

Following their devaluation of the yuan to minimize tariff impacts, the Trump Administration called China “currency manipulators”. Asked to explain what that means, President Trump said China manipulates its currency to look nothing like U.S. dollars.

 

By |

President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.

 

By |

The centuries-old Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris suffered extensive damage in a massive fire. The Catholic Church said they’ll rebuild while conceding it’ll be a lot tougher than 850 years ago finding slaves to do the work.

  • President Trump tweeted during the blaze that Parisian firefighters should consider flying water tankers to extinguish it. That plan was never enacted due to the potential collateral damage soaking nearby bakeries & pastry shops.
  • Students from Leonia High School in New Jersey were at the historic cathedral just minutes before the fire. After the fire started, they said it reminded them of home.

An Israeli man on a fundraising tour through Orthodox Jewish communities in U.S. cities infected 39 different people with the measles. The man has been hospitalized and is receiving the largest chicken soup infusion ever.

Google researched employees to find what its best teams do to stay happy. They found 3 things: Allowing mindless chatter; switching times of recurring meetings; & active listening. A fourth thing, rolling in piles of money from selling Google stock, was common to all teams, not just the best ones.

Senator Bernie Sanders appeared in a Fox News ‘Town Hall’ meeting in his home state of Vermont. Sanders was cheered by the crowd when he discussed his ‘Medicaid For All’ plan, then was cheered louder when discussing anything related to maple syrup.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson became the highest-paid player in NFL history, signing a contract paying $140 million over the next four years. His salary averages out to $35 million per season, or just over $2 million per concussion.

Lawyers for Robert Kraft appeared in a Florida courtroom, saying the police report that describes spa employees “manipulating Kraft’s penis” is so graphic that releasing video is unnecessary. The video has been requested by news agencies, and by other massage parlors for new-hire orientation training.

An Australian couple stranded 26 hours in crocodile-infested waters was rescued after etching “HELP” in mud that could be seen from the air. Rescuers persisted, even after the crocodiles had etched “NEVERMIND” in the mud below the original note.

Leaked clips of ‘Avengers: Endgame’ circulated on social media, angering superfans who don’t want to know that Captain America dies breaking up a catfight between Black Widow and Captain Marvel.

A Florida man was arrested for using a squirt gun to shoot his urine at a woman walking her dog past his home. He admitted to police that the gun contained his urine, but later denied it when attempting to return the gun to Five Below.

  • “Sure, why not?” was the reply when a reporter asked an NRA spokesman if they supported his actions.

Lori Loughlin and husband Mossimo Giannulli pleaded not guilty to felony charges of mail fraud and money laundering in the Operation Varsity Blues scandal. Through attorneys, they look forward to the last two minutes of a fair trial where everyone has learned a valuable lesson.

 

By |

Education Secretary Betsy DeVos defended federal spending cuts that would eliminate government funding for Special Olympics. Although insiders say a scaled-back plan is in the works to keep funding the games, while eliminating the pole vault and javelin events.

Rapper Cardi B is under fire for admitting to luring men to hotels for sex, then drugging and robbing them. She claims to have done so while working as a stripper using the name Cos B.

Actress Marcia Cross spoke to People magazine about her recent diagnosis and successful treatment of anal cancer. She was relieved to have avoided surgery, saying “..I am a big fan of the anus!” adding that she meant the body part, not the President.

An Arby’s manager was arrested for fatally shooting a customer with whom she’d argued and who then spit in her face. Arby’s is conducting a full investigation, adding that they’re experienced with restaurant fatalities, just not from gunshot wounds.

Marvel fans are debating whether Avengers: Endgame – with its reported 3-hour runtime – should have an intermission. Producers oppose the idea, although they may splice in a three-minute scene of Captain Marvel and Black Widow talking about how gross it is that Scarlet Witch was sleeping with Vision.

NASA postponed the all-female spacewalk, citing issues finding the correct-sized spacesuits for the astronauts. NASA is now rapidly training 60-year-old Korean women to take the next shuttle up there with a brick of chalk and some pins for tailoring.

Lilly Singh – star of YouTube channel Superwoman – is taking over Carson Daly’s 1:35a.m. NBC talk show this fall. NBC made the announcement so as not to alarm the six people watching.

Viral video shows Pope Francis withdrawing his hand as Catholics in line to meet him at a shrine attempted to kiss his ring. He eventually removed the ring from his hand and attached it to his zipper.

McDonald’s acquired sales assistant software Dynamic Yield. They say that Dynamic Yield’s software will allow them to change digital menu boards to react to environmental conditions – like more coffee on cold days, more ice cream on hot days, and just ordering 3 Big Macs when a large customer is breathing heavy.

NFL owners agreed to expand video replay review to include pass interference. As a result, a bipartisan Congressional committee has drafted a bill to make Sundays from September through December 25 hours long.

 

By |

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.

 

By |

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft filed a motion to prevent the release of surveillance video of him engaged in sex acts in a Florida massage parlor. Meanwhile, after further review, the NFL replay official confirmed holding below the waist.

The two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets operated by Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, each involved in fatal crashes, were sold without optional safety features that let pilots see the plane was in danger. The feature is called a “windshield”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade both called for President Trump to stop his insults of deceased Senator John McCain. Trump said he’s only counterpunching insults he hears from McCain during Executive Time.

Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, reportedly didn’t fill out her own college applications. Forensics experts reached the conclusion when verifying her signatures on the applications, where none of the ‘i’s were dotted with hearts or smiley faces.

A 10-foot long alligator was spotted swimming in water behind a woman’s home in Cape Coral, Florida. April is alligator ‘courtship’ season, where they search for partners prior to the May mating season. The woman said she’d like to get to know the gator better before making that commitment.

A new study finds strawberries, spinach and kale contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. Consumers intend to keep eating strawberries, and use the study as a lifelong rationale for not eating the other two.

Costco shoppers in California are posting photos of giant, 2-to-7 pound lobster claws being sold there. Back in the ocean, giant clawless lobsters are getting their tails kicked.

Excessively hot tea is being linked to esophageal cancer. A study followed 50,000 tea drinkers in a remote province of Iran and found nearly 400 had developed cancer. Critics point out that Iranian tea is made by steeping tobacco leaves in boiling puddle water.

Olive Garden posted a solid jump in sales. They attribute the growth to emphasizing classic Italian dishes, which they’ve always avoided making.

The United Nations released their annual ranking of 156 countries based on levels of ‘happiness’. The United States’ happiness ranking fell for the third straight year, and now sits at #19.  “Take that!” said 18th ranked Syria.

 

By |

Texas Senator and Harvard-educated numbskull Ted Cruz suggested that the Southern Border wall be paid for by convicted drug trafficker Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman. Through his attorneys, El Chapo said he’ll think about it, but he’s really more of a tunnel guy.

Chuck E. Cheese restaurants are denying a viral rumor that they ‘recycle’ uneaten pizza, and are secretly happy that no one is asking about the chicken nuggets.

Jerry Stritzke, the CEO of outdoor gear retailer REI, is resigning after the disclosure of a ‘personal, consensual’ relationship that fellow executives deemed a conflict of interest. Stritzke regrets failing to inform the board that he was making out with a guy named Eddie Bauer.

Fitness model Michelle Lewin posted a photo on Instagram of a feral pig biting her buttocks during a photo shoot in the Bahamas. The pig seen in the photo is female, so there goes that myth about men.

NCAA sack leader Jaylon Ferguson of Louisiana Tech has reportedly been uninvited from the NFL Combine because of a simple battery conviction during his freshman year. Commissioner Roger Goodell reminded all NFL prospects how important it is to wait until you make an NFL team before you start beating people up.

A vape pen stored in an overhead bin caught fire during boarding of a Delta flight. The fire was extinguished and passengers were switched to a different jet. “My bad” said the 12-year-old owner of the vape pen, who then bought a new one in the terminal.

Nintendo announced Tetris 99, a battle-royale version of Tetris where 99 people play simultaneously against one another while they goof off at work.

Oklahoma approved a bill allowing adults over 21 to own & carry handguns without a permit. The bill includes funding for additional lanes on interstate highways to be designated for road rage firefights.

The Masked Singer revealed its latest mystery participant Wednesday night. After a performance of Elle King’s ‘Ex’s & Oh’s’ the Alien lifted their mask and was revealed as La Toya Jackson. The judges then promptly asked her to put the mask back on.

In a scathing ’60 Minutes’ interview, former FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe said that if President Trump was ‘on the box at Quantico, he would break the machine’. By ‘the box’, McCabe was referring to either a polygraph, or a scale that measures body fat.

 

By |

Italy’s Mount Etna – Europe’s tallest and most active volcano – erupted, forcing the closure of nearby Catania Airport. The volcano spewed ash and hot lava – although obnoxious Italians insist that you call it ‘gravy’.

President Trump took a phone call from a 7-year-old and asked him if ‘he was still a believer in Santa, because at 7, it’s marginal’.  The 7-year-old then asked Trump what “marginal” means, and the President replied that he didn’t know.

Melania Trump also took a phone call from a 7-year-old girl, who asked how you marry a rich slob. The First Lady told the girl if she didn’t already have her plan in place, she’s late getting started.

Regal the beagle, a canine working for U.S. Customs & Border patrol at Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson airport, sniffed out a six-inch giant millipede in the luggage of a couple arriving from South Africa. The millipede was arrested for cocaine trafficking after a cavity search was conducted with a microscope.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the safest 2019 vehicles. Subaru topped the list with multiple vehicles, to the relief of lesbians who like to text and drive.

UFC 232’s light-heavyweight bout between Jon Jones and Alexander Gustafsson was abruptly moved from Las Vegas to Los Angeles after officials found “abnormalities” in Jones’ pre-fight drug test. The abnormality was that he actually passed it.

As of December 31st, the minimum wage in New York City for fast-food workers and businesses with 11 or more employees will increase; they’ll now receive $15/hour for spitting in tourists’ burgers.

A Kentucky man was arrested for assault after throwing a Christmas ham at a woman during an argument over when to have the family holiday dinner. The man was taken in  to custody, and several pigs living in his backyard are once again worried that one of them will need to replace the main course.

A 32-year-old Florida man was sentenced to 30 years in prison for soliciting sex from a 14-year-old girl. The suspect was arrested at a convenience store when meeting the girl, who turned out to be undercover law enforcement. “Since when are there 14-year-old girl cops?” he asked, still not quite getting it.

The NFL’s Oakland Raiders may need a temporary home in 2019, since their new Las Vegas stadium won’t be ready until 2020. Among the single-season options is Mexico City; imprisoned drug kingpin El Chapo Guzman said he’ll even let the team run on to the field from one of his tunnels.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, 41, reaffirmed his plan to continue playing in the NFL beyond the 2019 season. Brady said he has goals set for at least two more seasons, and he believes that he can achieve them with teammates’ help and referees protecting him.