By |

Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

By |

Russia opened a criminal investigation of Facebook for allowing posts calling for the death of Russian invaders in Ukraine. So far, though, the ‘Criminal Trial Of Mark Zuckerberg’ Facebook event has only Vladimir Putin ‘Going’.

Christina Haack & Tarek El Moussa announced the end of their hit HGTV show Flip Or Flop. Each said they’ll continue to flip spouses and flop into bed with other reality stars.

Empire actor Jussie Smollett – found guilty of falsely staging a hate crime – was sentenced to 150 days in jail, where’s he’s expected to get a good look at real ones.

A Billy Joel film biography is in development, despite having no rights to the music or likeness of Billy Joel. The working title is ‘Bug-eyed Guy Getting Drunk and Having Sex With Christie Brinkley‘

The Buffalo Bills named architecture firm Populous to design their new stadium. Populous is known for their stadium work, and for inventing warming packs to stick in your shoes, gloves & underwear.

Russia & Belarus can no longer play Pokemon Go. Russian diplomats denied starting Pokemon battles, anyway.

Two Internet ‘backbone’ providers have cut Russia off from the global internet, in a move designed to make service in Moscow & other major cities “almost as bad as Spectrum & Xfinity”.

Major League Baseball owners & players tentatively agreed to a new labor deal, and a full 162-game schedule with expanded playoffs will start April 7th, or as soon as the Houston Astros can finalize their cheat codes.

The U.S. banned the import of Russian vodka, diamonds & caviar. Cemetery workers in Forest Lawn, California reported tremors from Elizabeth Taylor spinning in her grave.

Tinder introduced background checks, to complement users’ standard backside checks.

By |

Following Russia’s invasion of eastern Ukraine, the United States imposed strict new sanctions – starting with Netflix only offering one episode of Russian-language shows each week instead of releasing the whole season at once.

National Guard troops will be deployed to Washington DC to break up trucker convoys who intend to block traffic in protest of pandemic restrictions. So far the truckers haven’t arrived because traffic is already pretty terrible.

Google updated its Google Assistant software, so saying the word “Stop” is all that’s needed to get it to stop talking while it answers your question. However, they warn that using it on your wife is still a bad idea.

Sony unveiled its new virtual-reality gaming headset, the PlayStation VR 2. No release date was given for the headset, or for what’s expected to be its most popular game, the one where the kid wearing it pretends he actually gets laid.

Game publisher Activision announced they won’t release a Call Of Duty video game in 2023. If gamers really need a new experience shooting things up, Activision will offer discount trips to Chicago and Philadelphia.

Weight loss influencer Lexi Reed, who’d dropped 312 pounds in five years, returned home after being treated in the hospital for organ failure. She’s excited about her new, lighter, liver and kidneys.

Upstart pro football league USFL began its first player draft, with each team selecting a quarterback. First overall pick was the guy you screamed “YOU SUCK” at when he played for your NFL team.

China claims rocket debris set to collide with the Moon are not from its 2014 lunar mission – a claim disputed by NASA, who say the debris has been orbiting the moon with its turn signal on for over seven years.

Pepsi is launching Nitro Pepsi, a canned cola infused with nitrogen gas which delivers a “silky, foamy” texture to go along with your sugar-powered toothache.

Rosie O’Donnell apologized for comments assuming actress Priyanka Chopra was author Deepak Chopra’s daughter. O’Donnell is expected to have her mind blown when she meets several people named Patel.

By |

Anthropologie stores recalled some of their candles because they pose a fire risk. They’re offering a full refund, and training for customers to help them understand how candles work.

Victoria’s Secret hired their first lingerie model with Down Syndrome. A company spokesperson said they didn’t notice, they just wanted 36Cs.

Los Angeles Rams quarterback Matthew Stafford turned his back as a photographer fell off a stage during a Super Bowl victory ceremony, doing nothing. Stafford later claimed he looked away from her because she took the wrong route and wasn’t open.

Apple said its Face ID security for iPhones will soon work while you’re wearing a mask. It requires you to draw a really good picture of your nose and mouth on your mask.

Former supermodel Linda Evangelista shared the first photos of her body since claiming it was irreparably damaged by a Coolsculpting fat-removal procedure. The pics appear in People magazine, and the Sports Illustrated Bathrobe Issue.

Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva failed to medal in the Olympic women’s individual competition after falling several times in her long program, because she failed to take her grandfather’s vertigo medication.

Disney is building a planned community in Palm Springs, California, where residents will be participants in “stories”. Deposits have already been received from registered sex offenders looking to buy a home on Donald Duck Lane and not wear pants.

The new USFL football league will hold a player draft next week, or as soon as players at the NFL Combine fail their drug tests.

NASA’s Perseverance rover marked its first anniversary on Mars, declining the $99 cabin filter change at Martian Jiffy Lube.

Phil Mickelson is said to be interested in a controversial breakaway Saudi Arabian golf league to compete with the PGA – where ‘making the cut’, ironically, means you avoid beheading.

By |

Chet Hanks, son of actor Tom Hanks, said he didn’t grow up with a “strong male role model”. Hearing this, Tom Hanks immediately gave Chet Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray.

President Biden said his “sense” is that Russia will invade Ukraine over the next several days. Biden added that his senses have been pretty accurate lately, having correctly guessed ‘meatloaf’ for Wednesday dinner at the White House.

New Jersey police are under fire for breaking up a fistfight at a mall, then handcuffing a black teen as the white teen he faught watches from a bench. Cops said they intend to make up for it by awarding a title belt to the black teen for a TKO.

Players of Wordle are upset that a recent solution, CAULK, is too obscure and wouldn’t be known to younger users. Meanwhile, residents of Mississippi and Alabama are still upset that they can’t find the game at all because they can’t spell WORDLE.

Tiger Woods and his girlfriend went out to dinner in Santa Monica, California, nearly a year after his infamous car wreck. He chose to have a valet park his car upside-down in a highway median.

The United States reported its 100,000th death from COVID-19 in 2022 – so the lab technician in Wuhan, China updated the ‘Accomplishments’ section of his resume.

A missing 64-year-old Nevada woman was rescued after dangling from a tree on a steep slope near her home. Her son called the rescue a “miracle”, while mountain lions at the bottom of the slope with napkins around their necks called it “disappointing”.

Following Bob Saget’s family’s lawsuit to keep autopsy information private, his Full House co-star Candace Cameron Bure said “a lot of questions” remain about his death. She spoke on the set of her new Lifetime movie ‘What Fractured Bob Saget’s Skull?’

Kanye West followed Pete Davidson’s new Instagram account, and promptly slid into Pete’s DMs – death messages.

NFL QB Aaron Rodgers and actress Shailene Woodley broke up. Just as Rodgers said he was “innoculated” against COVID, he claims he’s still engaged – “engaged” in banging famous hot chicks.

By |

A scientist in Cyprus claims to have identified a ‘DeltaCron’ variant of COVID-19, combining Delta & Omicron traits. It has Omicron’s spike proteins and Delta’s blue eyes.

A Bucks County, Pennsylvania bowling alley manager was assaulted by customers. The assailants struck the manager 12 straight times, recording a perfect game before fleeing.

NBC Today show anchors Savannah Guthrie and Hoda Kotb both tested positive for COVID-19, as Al Roker asked viewers what variant they were sick with in their neck of the woods.

Take Two Interactive, maker of the Grand Theft Auto videogames, is acquiring Zynga, maker of Farmville mobile video games, for $12.7 billion. They plan to launch Grand Theft Tractor, and bring more drug dealers and prostitutes to the farm.

Demi Lovato debuted a new spider tattoo on the side of their shaved head, writing with the photo that the “grandmother spider.. taught us about poetry and weaving..fire, light and dark”. Doctors are checking to see how much of the ink leeched into her brain.

Four NFL teams fired their head coaches, and each team will begin their search by interviewing the three fired guys who didn’t work for them.

NFL insiders call the day head coaches get fired Black Monday – as opposed to the day new coaches get hired, Caucasian Weekday.

An Arizona software company offers new hires $5,000 if they decide they don’t like the company and want to quit after two weeks. Most workers stay, but the company is trying to do a better job screening crackheads who can code.

Citing poor earnings amidst the pandemic, Lululemon share prices dropped faster than their yoga pants in a porno movie.

PayPal is exploring its own cryptocurrency, which you can use to confuse your friend who will wonder if you really did pay back that money you owed them.

By |

Kane Tanaka, the world’s oldest living person, turned 119 on Sunday in Fukuoka, Japan. She is also the oldest living person who’s never received a Starbucks gift card for her birthday.

OJ Simpson posted a video to social media, calling Tampa Bay Buccaneers wide receiver Antonio Brown quitting mid-game “unacceptable”. Simpson also called Brown’s history of alleged domestic abuse “acceptable”.

New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick also addressed the Antonio Brown story, saying his team has a a specific process in place for players with mental health issues, known as the waiver process.

A winter storm stranded motorists for 18 hours on I-95 in Virginia between Richmond and Washington, DC – adding 25 minutes to their usual commute.

A man on his deathbed in suburban Boston confessed to his family that he was a fugitive robber who’d stolen $215,000 from a Cleveland bank in 1969. He died peacefully, happy he never had to return to Cleveland.

NBA star Tristan Thompson confirmed he fathered a baby with another woman while in a relationship with Khloe Kardashian. Thompson wrote to Kardashian “you don’t deserve this” – meaning either his betrayal, or his sperm.

Disgraced Theranos CEO Elizabeth Holmes was found guilty on four counts of defrauding investors in her blood-testing startup. While awaiting sentincing, she plans to spend time changing her blood testing machines that don’t work into COVID testing machines that don’t work.

The National Hockey League postponed its 92nd game this season, leading to a spike in ratings for TV networks that would otherwise be showing hockey games.

Novak Djokovic will defend his Australian Open tennis title despite being unvaccinated, after being granted a waiver by a panel of independent medical professionals who bet a lot of money on Novak Djokovic winning the Australian Open.

A golfer in Australia had his driver snapped after a giant robber crab attacked his clubs. The golfer triple-bogeyed the next hole and asked the crab to break his putter too.

By |

Meryl Streep used a body double in Netflix film ‘Don’t Look Up’, where she’s shown nude from behind in the final scene. Nonetheless, the buttocks were already nominated for Best Supporting Actress.

Dr. Dre reportedly settled his divorce with ex-wife Nicole Young for $100 million, payable in installments of wads of $100 bills stuffed into her underwear.

Bing Crosby’s California estate in the Coachella Valley is on the market with a $4.5 million asking price. The current owner is being selective about buyers, ruling out those touring the home just to see the rooms where Crosby beat his children.

Amanda Renee Henry was arrested for assaulting flight attendants on a Spirit Airlines flight after they cut off her alcohol. Henry was also vaping, making lewd advances to male passengers, and trying to break open the cabin door while in the air. She’s expected to take a leave of absence as Spirit’s CEO.

Archaeologists say Africans used beads to express status and emotions over 50,000 years ago, creating what they call the oldest social network on record. They say the most popular beads were the ones indicating Mute and Interested in tribal gatherings.

Nearly 17 feet of snow has fallen in California’s Sierra Nevada mountains in December alone. State weather researchers reported the totals alongside news of another 10-year-old suffering a heart attack while shoveling driveways.

Jada Pinkett Smith, who revealed in 2018 she suffers from alopecia, gave a recent update on her condition. The update is “still bald”.

Comedian Amy Schumer had a cosmetic facial procedure – ‘cheek fillers’ – dissolved, once she realized no other female comedians had jokes she could copy about getting cheek fillers.

A hiker searching for deer antlers near Branson, Missouri found the skeletal remains of missing MMA fighter David Koenig, who’d disappeared two years earlier. The hiker requested privacy during this difficult time of not finding any deer antlers.

Legendary NFL coach & broadcaster John Madden died at age 85, evoking both emotional tributes and outrage as EA Sports announced, then cancelled, plans to rename its football video game Collinsworth 2022.

By |

An Idaho man murdered and ate a 70-year-old victim because he thought eating the body would “cure his brain”. Also, the victim’s brain was found in a smokehouse where the killer was curing it.

Google Drive will notify users of illegal files they’re storing on the service. Most people will be notified by Google; pedophiles will be notified by the cops breaking down their front door.

The newest dating trend is “hardballing” – telling partners early in relationships what expectations are in terms of monogamy & marriage. Young men are reportedly excited when told women are hardballing, then sad when they learn what it means.

Sarah Palin told a conservative crowd at a Turning Point USA conference that she’ll only get a COVID vaccine “over her dead body” – confirming the general public’s thoughts about Sarah Palin’s vaccine knowledge.

A Tennessee middle school teacher who’d won Teacher Of The Year honors in 2020 was arrested for molesting two 14-year-olds. Other Tennessee teachers condemned his actions, saying he should have waited two years and proposed instead.

Tiger Woods & son Charlie finished 2nd in the PNC Championship to the team of John Daly & son John II, as the sorta-recovering alcohol addict edged out the sorta-recovering sex addict.

Charlie Woods didn’t stick around for the post-tourney press conference, because there’s a hostess at Chuck E. Cheese he has his eye on, whose shift ended at 5pm.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady, at the end of a shutout loss to the New Orleans Saints, was shown on the sidelines throwing & breaking a Microsoft Surface tablet in frustration. The Surface was penalized 15 yards for taunting.

Retired porn star & director Randy Spears said Billie Eilish is right for saying that watching porn as an 11-year-old damaged her young brain and hindered her adult sex life. Spears made the comments at the release party for his California Teen Hos 1-12 Collectors Box Set.

Bradley Cooper film Nightmare Alley bombed so hard at the box office, cinemas cancelled screenings to accommodate more Spider Man: No Way Home showings. To salvage some revenue, it’s being rereleased as Madea’s Nightmare Alley.