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Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.

 

 

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A copperhead snake bit a woman three times at a Longhorn Steakhouse in Virginia. The woman was hospitalized for 11 days; the snake saved room for dessert and slithered out with a chocolate lava cake.

Disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for repeatedly sexting a 15 year old girl. Weiner unsuccessfully pleaded with the judge for probation only, saying he’d straightened himself out and had the pictures to prove it.

GOP Senators made last-ditch revisions to the Graham-Cassidy health care bill, in an effort to appease holdout senators Lisa Murkowski of Alaska and Susan Collins of Maine. The revised bill now extends Medicaid benefits to elderly king crabs and lobsters.

President Trump signed an expansion of his original travel ban, adding 8 more nations, including North Korea. This comes as heartbreaking news to the Showcase Showdown trip winner on ‘The North Korean Price Is Right.’

A far-right Catholic group signed a letter accusing Pope Francis of heresy for, among other things, allowing divorced, remarried Catholics to accept Holy Communion.  His Holiness replied that he preaches forgiveness, and that he likes to see divorcees dressed up with their tongues sticking out.

Following hurricane devastation that left Puerto Rico almost fully off the grid, meteorologists and mayors on the East Coast of the U.S. are meeting to ask ‘How do we solve a problem like Maria?’.

French chef Sebastian Bras, whose restaurant Le Suquet has held Michelin’s highest three-star rating for a decade, asked Michelin to remove his stars so he won’t feel so much pressure. Michelin is expected to comply, having recently honored the request of a chef at Cracker Barrel to stop rating him.

Miss Turkey Itir Eisen was stripped of her title, after a controversial tweet where she said her period had begun, representing the blood of martyrs who had died in a coup to overthrow the government last year. Pageant runner-up, Asli Sumen, assumed the crown and tweeted “what’s a period?” since she’s 7.

North Korea released a 99-second propaganda video featuring crude computer simulations of U.S. warplanes and aircraft carriers exploding from North Korean attacks. The video concluded with ‘Directed by Michael Bay’.

Target stores raised their minimum wage to $11 an hour, and committed to paying $15 an hour in 2020. Reached for comment, a $9 an hour WalMart employee said that while he’s tempted, he won’t give up on a 30-year WalMart career.

 

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A 25 year-old Ohio father was arrested after donning a scary clown mask and chasing his 6 year-old daughter around the neighborhood to discipline her. He was apprehended when ordered by police to put his hands up, at which point his pants fell down.

Chipotle introduced queso to the menu at its restaurants last week, but commenters on Twitter have expressed disappointment. Worse, the mice filmed at Chipotle over the summer can be seen in a new video scraping the queso off of chips before eating them.

A study in this month’s International Journal of Obesity states that weight loss may be influenced by what’s in dieter’s poop. The study found more weight loss among those whose feces contained a higher ratio of Prevotella to Bacteroides bacteria; and less weight loss among those whose feces contained whole Snickers bars.

Donald Trump Jr. is declining his Secret Service protection so that he can have more privacy. The Secret Service complied, then winked and crossed their fingers behind their backs.

It’s been revealed that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been under U.S. government audio surveillance for 3 years. FBI agents now know how to say “urinating hooker” in several Eastern European dialects.

Toys R Us declared bankruptcy. The iconic retailer is so deep in debt, the only Hatchimals they can afford to sell this Christmas are knockoffs that require children to sit on them.

82 locations of Kohl’s stores will pack & ship Amazon returns for free. Kohl’s said it’s the least they can do to help out the bully that will eventually punch them out of business.

President Trump addressed the United Nations on Tuesday morning. Asked for their opinions after the speech, the President said it ‘went very well’; Ivanka Trump called it “excellent” and Eric Trump asked if it was time for lunch yet.

  • Trump again referred to Kim Jong-Un as ‘Rocket Man’ and said the North Korean leader was on a “suicide mission” – hinting that the President enjoys Heavy Metal as well as Classic Rock.

In Geneva, Switzerland, investigators are questioning two Spanish women who flushed 100,000 Euros down toilets at a UBS bank branch and several nearby restaurants. Speculation is that the women were involved in money laundering, or panicked when discovering the bank and restaurants lacked a bidet.

Sunday night’s Emmy Awards set a record for lowest-rated Emmy broadcast, a claim expected to be repeatedly disputed by surprise guest Sean Spicer.

A study in the journal Child Development finds that teenagers of today are slower than teens of the 70s, 80s & 90s to take steps toward independence such as driving, getting a job and dating. Teens reacting to the survey said “whatever”.

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An Oregon court ruled against a dog owner in a nuisance barking case, and ordered the owner to have the dog’s vocal cords surgically removed. The owner plans to appeal the ruling by Judge Mittens.

LEGO will cut 1,400 workers due to declining sales. The cuts are expected to come from Hardhat Guys, some of whom will enter retraining in hope of finding new jobs in Star Wars playsets.

76% of respondents to a U.S. Bank survey say that if they carry cash, they keep less than $50 on them. The remaining 24% actually go on dates.

Video game maker Nintendo has updated the profile of its iconic character Mario, saying that he’s no longer a plumber. The statement was verified by Mario’s former union, who revoked his certification after multiple reports of his wearing a raccoon suit and killing turtles while on the job.

Elon Musk predicted World War III will result from advances in Artificial Intelligence, but added that as long as Trump is president, the U.S. should have nothing to worry about.

A study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences concludes that female-named hurricanes are deadlier than male-named hurricanes – saying female hurricanes know where they’re going, and male hurricanes are reluctant to get directions.

Vladimir Putin said that North Koreans would rather “eat grass” than give up their nuclear weapons. North Koreans replied that if sanctions were lifted and they could get ranch dressing for the grass, they’d think about a deal.

Following President Trump’s decision to wind down DACA and target immigrant “dreamers”, the President of the Hispanic Chamber of Commerce resigned from Trump’s Diversity Council — effectively making it the Bunch of Diverse White Guys Council.

A South Carolina couple, claiming that they suffered damage to their vision after using eclipse glasses purchased from Amazon, is suing the retailer. The suit named the Sun and Moon as co-defendants.

The NBA’s Houston Rockets were sold for a record $2.2 Billion to restaurateur Tillman Fertitta. Fertitta said he was honored to be the team’s owner and looks forward to sitting courtside just as soon as he can save up more money to buy the seats.

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Chipotle has temporarily closed a Texas location where mice were filmed in the restaurant. Chipotle had said the mice entered through a structural gap, but are now doing a full inspection. Meanwhile, the mice are hoping to catch on at a nearby Taco Bell.

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission has issued new safety guidelines for fidget spinners. The first guideline is waiting a week until your kid doesn’t care about fidget spinners anymore.

The Taylor Swift butt-grabbing trial continues in Denver, with Swift’s former security guard testifying that he witnessed a Denver DJ grab Swift’s buttocks. Asked why he didn’t say anything, the guard said he assumed Swift would just write a catty hit song about the guy.

The parent company of Applebee’s and IHOP announced they’re closing up to 160 U.S. locations. Execs say that more Americans are eating at restaurants that their friends won’t make fun of them for choosing.

Gun maker Sig Sauer is offering a “voluntary upgrade” to owners of its P320 pistols, following numerous reports that the gun will fire when dropped. Cops spotting criminals with a P320 are shouting “Police! Hang on to your weapon!”

JC Penney posted a huge quarterly loss, sending its stock price tumbling over 15%. The CEO attempted to calm investors, saying thousands of Grammas will be taking embarrassed teens Back To School shopping there all month long.

The FBI is saying that ISIS is using eBay transactions to send cash to U.S. terrorists, although the good news is that ISIS always leaves really positive seller feedback.

Google is donating $1.5 million to the 4-H Club to spur young peoples’ interest in technology. The 4-H said if Google keeps sending the fat stacks of cash, they’ll add a 5th H for hacking.

President Trump tweeted that U.S. military weapons are “locked and loaded” in the event of aggression by North Korea, continuing that he hoped Kim Jong Un chooses a “different path”. Un took the message to heart, and pointed the path of his missile pointed at Guam a few degrees right.

An American investment banker – charged with being the Putney Bridge Pusher, who shoved a woman in front of a London bus while he ran on the bridge – denies the charge, saying he wasn’t even in London at the time. As evidence, his lawyers submitted video of him on the same day pushing a woman in front of a New York City bus.

Midway through the 2017 Sturgis Motorcycle Rally in South Dakota, bike crashes and DUIs are ahead of the 2016 pace, as measured by Harley-riding accountants who want you to think they’re badasses.

As automakers sell more & more electric cars, a dilemma is cropping up where owners are having difficulty finding places to charge them. Already this year, store managers are reporting a 1000% increase in customers with extension cords getting kicked out of Starbucks.

 

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Former NFL QB Boomer Esiason said in an interview that he “most likely” has CTE. Esiason was responding to a reporter asking who provided his cell phone service.

The Washington Post reported the U.S. Intelligence Community’s conclusion that North Korea already has a nuclear warhead that can be fitted to its missiles. President Trump issued his most stern warning yet to North Korea in the form of the rare Double Dog Dare.

  • Trump warned that any aggression by North Korea would be met with “fire & fury”, before announcing the grand opening of a new barbecue restaurant in Trump Tower, ‘Fire & Fury’.

The U.S. Center for Disease Control said that reported cases of parasitic cyclospora are up 134% over this time in 2016. A spokesman for Six Flags Water Parks said that yes, it’s been a busy summer so far.

Cheetos is opening The Spotted Cheetah restaurant in NYC, providing ‘Cheetos-themed’ recipes. Though the restaurant will only be open three days, they expect to serve hundreds of couples their last meal before the guys get dumped by their girlfriends.

McDonald’s announced their plans to double the number of locations in China, helping the Chinese close the gap on the rest of the world when it comes to obesity rates.

The trial between Taylor Swift and a Denver DJ accused of grabbing her buttocks is underway; the judge told the jurors to respect the court and one another, noting that when it’s done, they are never, ever, ever getting back together.

UCLA QB Josh Rosen told Bleacher Report that football and school “don’t go together”. Asked to comment, UCLA Head Football Coach Jim Mora said “duh.”

 

 

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Amazon is in trouble for shipping products to the Iranian Embassy. The illegal shipments were detected when U.S. Intelligence operatives heard Iranian Embassy workers ask Alexa where they could get plutonium and automatic weapons.

Unconfirmed reports state that Beyonce is interested in acquiring a stake in the NBA Houston Rockets. Players on the Houston Rockets said that they’d be really excited to acquire a stake in Beyonce.

Rookie New York Jets safety Jamal Adams stirred controversy when asked about player head injuries and CTE at a fan forum; Adams replied “literally, if I had a perfect place to die, it would be on the field.” As a member of the 2017 Jets, Adams can look forward to getting killed on the field, off of it, and most days in the Sports section.

Donald Trump Tweeted that he will continue to use social media to reach over 100 million followers, saying it’s the only way he can “get the truth out.” Meaning, out of his way.

Trump reacted to recent nuclear missile advances by North Korea saying simply “we’ll handle it.” Which instills the same confidence as hearing a Dad who can’t tell XBox from Playstation saying he’ll “handle” buying video games for his kid’s birthday.

The Emoji Movie made almost $25 Million at the weekend box office, despite its dismal 7% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, because it’s a long summer and Mommy needs her alone time while Dad takes you kids to the matinee.

The Wall Street Journal reports that New Jersey is losing Millennial workers – Millennials are described as preferring to work at offices close to where they socialize, and they prefer to socialize anywhere but New Jersey.

New England Patriots Julian Edelman and Stephon Gilmore were kicked out of practice for fighting. The fight started when Patriots veteran Edelman accused the newly-acquired Gilmore of not cheating hard enough.

A place kicker for the University of Central Florida lost his NCAA eligibility because he was being paid for videos on his YouTube channel. He promised to continue producing the make-up videos.

Burning Man Festival finally received its permit from the Federal Bureau of Land Management, and the festival will go on. Parts of the location had been flooded, leading organizers to either postpone the festival, or change it to Peeing Man.

  • One of the big art installations featured this year at Burning Man is a 14 foot pyramid constructed with gummy bears. The pyramid will be surrounded by armed guards to ward off Burners who get the munchies.

Jared Kushner told a group of White House Interns that the Trump Campaign couldn’t have colluded with the Russians because they were too disorganized. And if there’s one thing Kushner knows about the Russians, it’s that he’s indebted to them for tens of millions of dollars.

 

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Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”

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Michael Kors acquired Jimmy Choo for $1.2 billion cash, making women everywhere happy that someone is blowing more money on shoes than they are.

North Korea abruptly cancelled its annual Beer Festival. Worse,  the Anheuser Busch Brand Ambassadors who had already arrived with ‘America’ cans of Budweiser are missing.

Gardner, Maine has enacted a policy where citizens that collect a full bag of trash can trade the bag for free marijuana – giving new meaning to “garbage weed”.

  • For now the town is cleaner than ever, but officials are worried that stoners may litter the town overnight to make work for free pot.

Donald Trump used Twitter to insult Attorney General Jeff Sessions, calling him “beleaguered” and “weak” for his failure to investigate Hillary Clinton. Sessions thinks he’s doing a great job, since he hasn’t used his verified Twitter account in 3 years.

As he was blasting Sessions, Trump addressed the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and read aloud the Boy Scout Oath, pausing at ‘loyalty’ to say “we could use more loyalty”.  The scouts presented Trump with an official jackknife and a Backstabbing merit badge.

John McCain returned to the Senate just a week after brain surgery to cast his vote for a Motion To Proceed on healthcare, and addressed the Senate after the vote. He slammed the Senate for partisan stalemates and urged a more unified bipartisan approach to governance. The speech was well-received, and proved the American people were right by thinking every U.S. Senator should have their head examined.

President Trump spoke to the press after the vote, calling the 51-50 vote passage of the procedural Motion to Proceed “the hard part to get”, despite the bill not yet being debated or amended for passage. Which is like calling the flight to Hawaii “the hard part” of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

Trump opened a different Monday speech saying that Obamacare has been “wreaking havoc for 17 years” despite being passed in 2010. Trump corrected himself, saying he didn’t mean Obamacare, he meant Y2K.

Bush’s Baked Beans recalled some of its hickory smoked beans for damaged cans, while continuing to let their other varieties damage consumers’ cans, and clothing, and furniture.

  • A spokesman said that eating the recalled beans should not create any side effects other than “the usual”.

Microsoft squelched rumors that it was discontinuing Microsoft Paint after 32 years, saying it would continue to support the app. This relieved loyalists; Paint has over 100 million monthly users, and is the world’s #1 app for drawing penises on JPEGs.

A Buddhist temple in Myanmar sunk amidst torrential rains. “We know it’s wrong to want material things, but that sucked.” said Buddhists.

Justin Bieber’s China concerts were cancelled by the country’s Minister of Culture, due to the artist’s “bad behavior”. Asked to specify which bad behavior, the Minister said “mostly singing.”

Jared Kushner testified to the Senate about his involvement with Russians during the Trump 2016 Presidential campaign. Afterward he addressed the press, saying that his request to create secret communications channels with the Russians after the election served as proof that he didn’t have them before. Which is like taking a side piece after your wedding and saying it proved what a great guy you were before you got married.

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.