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A woman known only as Kait, who flashed her breasts at an Edmonton Oilers playoff hockey game, signed with Playboy, where she’s expected to inspire a lot of high sticking.

Donald Trump said he wants UFC fighters to battle migrants. For their part, the migrants want to know what they’ll get paid for the fight.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said the “intense” part of the war with Hamas will end soon, shifting to a more “casual” phase of killing civilians and children.

Climate protesters with smoke grenades charged the 18th green at the Travelers Open golf tourney. They were arrested and taken to a local jail where they were told to “get in the hole”.

Retired Denver Broncos lineman-turned-broadcaster Mark Schlereth called retired New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, 72, a “pig” for dating 23-year-old Jordan Hudson. Asked for comment, Belichick said “oink” as he removed Hudson’s clothes.

A new study finds the number of Americans with a “poor diet” dropped from 49% in 1999 to 37% in 2020. Conversely, the number of Americans considered “poor” and “on a diet” doubled over the same span.

The late Alex Trebek will appear on a Forever postage stamp. Post office customers will tackle the category U.S. Geography and be required to point to the state on the map where they’re mailing the letter.

Severe storms caused dozens of flight delays at Philadelphia International Airport, leaving travelers stranded and angry, and baggage handlers well-rested.

Research from Cornell University finds couples are more likely to discuss financial problems if they feel the problem is solvable. Couples who think the problem is unsolvable are more likely to discuss which one of them buys the lottery tickets.

‘House of the Dragon’ star Olivia Cooke wants to know why her orgasm was cut from a sex scene in Episode 2, Season 2. So does the dragon.

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Delaware’s department of motor vehicles is temporarily halting issuance of vanity license plates. The policy is opposed by the ACLU, and Delaware residents who say it’s now going to be a lot harder to spot douchebags.

A Colorado woman told police “arrest me now” when they arrived to find her male partner dead on the bed with his penis cut off. “Okay” said police.

PGA golfer Rory McIlroy announced he’s divorcing his wife of seven years. McIlroy denied her claims that he was seeking an open marriage, saying she misunderstood when he said he was getting a new swing coach.

A Pennsylvania man dismembered his roommate and left the body parts in 3 different locations. He said he fought with the roommate, and wanted to give the CSIs a scavenger hunt.

Palmer chocolate company expanded a recall of white chocolate products over a salmonella risk. The CDC warned consumers to return Palmer products, or risk death by chocolate.

Closing arguments in Donald Trump’s hush money trial are set for next week. Ongoing arguments are set for every time Donald Trump appears in front of a camera.

Marston Hefner, son of Playboy founder Hugh, said his inheritance was reduced after stepmother Crystal Hefner convinced her husband to modify the will. Marston calls Crystal a “master manipulator”, which Crystal agrees is right because she was able to manipulate erections out of Hefner before he died at 91.

Select Wendy’s locations are offering a bucket of 50 chicken nuggets, which they’re calling the Nuggs Party Pack, and which struggling families are calling Dinner For A Week.

Kyle, Texas failed in its bid to set a world record for largest gathering of men with the same name, as just 706 ‘Kyle’s showed up, compared to over 2,000 ‘Ivan’s who set the record in a Bosnian city. The women’s record is over 10,000 ‘Karen’s who took their daughters to a Taylor Swift concert.

Red Lobster filed for bankruptcy and will now be known as Red Ink Lobster.

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‘Oppenheimer‘ led Oscar nominations with 13 and ‘Killers of the Flower Moon‘ received 10. It was the first time that nominations were given specifically for work in the first hour of a movie because voters couldn’t stay awake for the rest of it.

Philadelphia Eagles star Jason Kelce lifted up a little girl so she could show a sign she’d made to Taylor Swift, who was seated with him in a suite at the Chiefs/Bills game. However, Kelce refused several requests to lift drunk men at the game so they could show something to Swift.

Billy Joel is releasing his first single in 17 years, so fans at his concerts will know when they hear it that it’s time to go get another beer.

Drexel University is researching more environmentally-friendly alternatives to road salt during the winter months. They’re testing concrete that releases thermal energy, as well as other hot condiments like sriracha.

Divorce rumors are swirling around singers Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton. She’ll be performing at Coachella with No Doubt, and performing with Shelton is Doubt Ful.

Britney Spears has been banned from the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles after guests complained about her going topless at the swimming pool. Teen boys staying there are seeking to have their parents banned for complaining about it.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Hugh Hefner, said in her new memoir that she no longer had sex with him after 2014 when he was 88 and she was 28. Viagra no longer worked, and Crystal was recovering from damage to her wrist, elbow and rotator cuff.

Medical journal JAMA finds health problems from obesity are compounded by loneliness and isolation that are more common in obese people – even though they’re kinda happy they get the whole pizza for themselves.

Texans took to social media demanding to secede from the United States, after the Supreme Court ruled against Texas placing razor wire barriers at the border. Immigrants are hoping Texas doesn’t secede because then they’ll need passports for their flights & bus trips from Texas to Chicago & New York.

Kanye West yelled at paparazzi as they photographed him & wife Bianca Censori leaving a tanning salon. They speculated he was angry because he was done a lot sooner than she was.

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Kentucky lawmaker Nick Wilson introduced a bill adding groping and other non-intercourse sexual activities to the classification of felony incest. He was sharply rebuked by Mississippi lawmakers, who classify those activities as ‘foreplay’.

Wilson’s bill was criticized for inadvertently seeking to legalize sex between first cousins in Kentucky. Other lawmakers wonder what the hell is going on with Wilson’s relatives, but still asked if he can invite them to his next family reunion.

A hospital greeter was arrested for a serial stabbing spree in New York City. He was charged with multiple counts of felony assault, and given a raise for drumming up business.

Donald Trump attended the funeral of his mother-in-law. She’ll be buried next to Trump’s ex-wife Ivana, at what will now be known as The 2nd Hole.

A new study finds that young students learn better utilizing paper versus screens. Hearing this, Apple introduced a $200 see-through sheet of paper for iPads.

Madonna was sued by two fans because her concert started two hours late and they had to work early the next morning. They’re seeking damages and lots and lots of attention.

Kelly Osbourne said her 2015 remark “If you kick every Latino out of the country, then who will clean your toilet, Donald Trump?” .. is ‘the worst thing she’s ever done’. Osbourne forgot she’s released three full-length record albums.

Taking a daily multivitamin can ward off cognitive decline from dementia for up to two years. After that, people just forget to take the vitamins.

Researchers explained why little dogs tend to outlive big dogs. Little dogs have a lower risk for cancer and bone-related illness, and bigger dogs have an easier time reaching the burgers and fries on the counter.

Crystal Hefner, widow of Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, claims in her new memoir he used so much Viagra that it caused him to go deaf in one ear. Crystal said Hugh always slept with the bad ear next to her in case she said “not tonight”.

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Pope Francis approved blessings of same-sex couples, so long as the couples don’t confuse the blessing with the sacrament of marriage, and as long as he’s one-half of the couple.

She was fired as host of Jeopardy! Who is Mayim Bialik?

Home prices dropped more than 10% in the past year in San Francisco and Austin. If this trend continues, Gen Z buyers in those cities will qualify for a 30-year mortgage when they’re 63.

Pittsburgh’s U.S. Steel is being acquired by Japan’s Nippon Steel for $14 Billion. The NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers will now be the Pittsburgh Steerers.

Israeli Defense Force soldiers claim to have found the largest Hamas tunnel in Gaza. It’s so big it has three Hamas EZ Pass lanes.

Microsoft Word is being criticized for its “inclusivity checker” feature, and for Clippy the Clip’s return to remind you of its preferred pronouns.

A new study finds that the average American eats the daily caloric equivalent of a fourth meal comprised entirely of junk food. Study authors can’t decide whether to call it Arbreakfast, McLunch, or Dinner Bell.

LGBT lawmakers in New York State want to ban Chick-fil-A from rest stops on the New York State Thruway. They’re evaluating suitable alternatives after finding out Popeye and Roy Rogers weren’t that crazy about gay people either.

Rapper Blueface threw a female fan off the stage during a performance in Utah, then told his rapper/fiance/co-performer Jaidyn to beat her up. The woman was safely escorted out by security, then resigned as Preaident of the Blueface Fan Club.

Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny are reportedly no longer a couple. It may be the first time a supermodel has been dumped by a Playboy Bunny.

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A Florida man was arrested after police discovered his “plan to kill everyone” at his old high school. Cops didn’t believe it when the guy said he was performing standup comedy at the homecoming weekend talent show.

Google is prompting users to create passkeys for passwordless logins on Google accounts. So set aside 45 minutes to try explaining that to your Moms & Dads.

Payton Shires, a 24-year-old Columbus, Ohio social worker, was arrested for having sex with a 13-year-old boy she was counseling. She admitted to failing at being able to counsel him not to brag about having sex.

Divorcing celebrities Sophie Turner & Joe Jonas appear to have settled a child custody arrangement, splitting the two kids’ time between the U.S. and U.K. every few weeks. They’ll now fight over who gets to keep the kids’ frequent flyer miles.

Playboy removed porn star-turned-influencer Mia Khalifa from their “creator platform” after her remarks in support of Hamas’ terrorist attacks in Israel. Playboy said they’re fine with models creating boners, but not controversy.

Los Angeles Police released years-old video of officers ignoring a call for backup at a robbery scene so they could play Pokemon Go on their phones. The officers then captured a Snorlax after shooting the unarmed Pokemon 15 times.

Parents beat a naked man after he allegedly tried touching children as they shopped in a JC Penney store. The kids are reportedly okay, but still dealing with the trauma of their parents buying them school clothes at JC Penney.

The Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72, told bachelorettes at a 7:30a.m. rose ceremony that it’s the latest he’s ever stayed up, calling it a Three-Cialis Night.

Return To Nature funeral home in Colorado – who bury unembalmed corpses – were found to have 115 decomposing bodies at their facility after complaints of a foul odor in the vicinity. The owner told police & the FBI that his shovel broke.

A Virginia heart doctor told his patient – a woman with cardiopulmonary issues who was depressed because her cat had died – that he’d write her a prescription for a new cat. The woman adopted a cat, but not before getting kicked out of five different CVS stores.

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Florida sent dozens of Venezuelan migrants to Martha’s Vineyard on charter flights as a political statement against open borders. The migrants may have been lied to, because when they arrived they asked what time the James Taylor concert started, and when their new jobs begin at Obama’s summer house.

A nationwide strike of railroad workers appears to have been averted after marathon talks between the federal government, railroad union leaders, and really persuasive hobos.

A source tells news organizations that Tom Brady and wife Gisele Bundchen are “living separately” due to a rift caused by his decision to unretire. Their differences could not be repaired even after Brady left training camp for a week to join Bundchen at Gronkowski Relationship Counseling Center.

A Chick-fil-A worker broke up a parking lot carjacking attempt, where the suspect punched the employee in the face while trying to steal a woman’s car with a baby inside. “My plesshr” said the employee through missing teeth when thanked for his heroism.

Starbucks is rolling out a new plan to speed up service – limiting customer drink orders to twenty words or less.

Kim Kardashian said she’s done dating entertainers, and that her next boyfriend could be a neuroscientist. Kim’s Instagram DMs are currently frozen due to an influx of photos from neuroscientists with unusually large penises.

A Chicago court found R. Kelly guilty on 6 charges of child pornography and not guilty of 7 others. “See! I TOLD you I was innocent!” he said.

TikTok executives would not commit to stopping the flow of U.S.’ users personal data to China. However, TikTok said China’s government is taking steps to ensure their citizens aren’t exposed to terrible standup comedy bits.

A new book claims Melania Trump told her husband “you’re blowing this” regarding the COVID-19 pandemic. The book claims Donald Trump said the same thing to a Playboy Playmate, a porn star, and multiple Miss Teen USA contestants.

Disney World guests are complaining that, despite rising ticket prices, the rides are often broken, and the park is filthy. It’s so bad, Pluto now takes a dump on the sidewalk and Mickey just leaves it there.

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Major League Baseball’s all-time hits leader Pete Rose turned 80. Instead of ‘Charlie Hustle’, now they call him ‘Charlie Walker’.

Disney Parks will allow ‘cast members’ to have visible tattoos, multiple earrings and gender inclusive hairstyles. Cruella de Vil got a butch cut, and Donald Duck shed feathers to reveal the Daisy tattoo on his lower abdomen.

Joe Biden announced a full U.S. troop withdrawal from Afghanistan on September 11th. The Taliban & other extremists are looking forward to the U.S. Armed Forces Tent Sale on bazooka & automatic rifles that starts September 4th.

Disgraced financier & Ponzi schemer Bernie Madoff died in prison. Madoff promised to donate his organs to 50 different people.

Justin Bieber said in a new interview that his drug use was so bad, his bodyguards would check his pulse when he slept. The bodyguards would be relieved he was alive, and more relieved that he wasn’t singing.

Mexico promised increased efforts to tighten security on the southern U.S. border to stem the tide of illegal immigrants. So they hung over 100 ‘No Trespassing – Private Property’ signs on the wall.

Hayley Hasselhoff – daughter of ‘Baywatch’ star David – made history as Playboy’s first-ever plus-size cover model. Specifically, plus-size-besides-just-the-bra.

Darius, the world’s longest rabbit at 4 ft, 3 inches, was stolen from a home in England. His owner is offering a 1,000-pound reward for Darius’ safe return, and will even throw in one of his feet for good luck.

Experts recommend Facebook cancel its plans to launch ‘Instagram for Kids’. However, Kim Kardashian is demanding they go ahead with it, so her 2 and 3 year olds can become pull-up diaper influencers.

A Colorado district moved school start times back to 8:30 a.m., resulting in 45 minutes additional sleep time for students, according to a new study. This is in addition to the 50 minutes additional sleep each student got in health class.

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Steven Spielberg is developing ‘Blackhawk’, a superhero movie for the DC Comics Cinematic Universe. It’s the first time that fanboys have had the opportunity to tell Spielberg his movie sucks before he even starts making it.

A boy asked Pope Francis if his deceased atheist father is in heaven. Replied the Pope, “I don’t know – was he hot?”

Senator Ted Cruz authored a message where he admiringly refers to President Trump as “a flash-bang grenade”. Meaning, Trump flashes porn stars and Playboy Playmates before banging them behind his wife’s back.

Roger Stone, a former adviser to President Trump, addressed the death of Barbara Bush by calling her a “nasty drunk”, continuing “(she) drank so much booze, if they cremated her…her body would burn for three days.” Stone posted the comments on Instagram in advance of his weekend induction to the Catty Bitch Hall of Fame.

A Monroe, Louisiana woman arrived home after work to find another woman had broken into her home and was still there, taking a bath and eating Cheetos. The burglar was arrested; the homeowner is still trying to scrub orange dust off of her bathtub.

Miguel Diaz-Canel was named the new President of Cuba after a vote in the National Assembly, narrowly edging out Pitbull.

Former Playboy model Karen McDougal, alleged to have had an affair with Donald Trump, was freed from a deal with National Enquirer ownerAMI and can now tell her story. AMI will also publish McDougal’s health and fitness tips in Men’s Journal and receive first-refusal rights for her book: ‘Yep, We F*cked – Here Are Some Fitness Tips’.

Slide Fire, the largest manufacturer of bump stocks in the U.S., will stop taking orders and shut down its website on May 20th. But until then, would-be mass murderers are invited to take advantage of its crazy inventory liquidation sale!

Crenshanda Williams, a former 911 operator in Houston, was sentenced to 10 days in jail and a year of probation for hanging up on ‘thousands’ of 911 emergency calls. Prior to sentencing, she addressed the judge and was defiant, saying she’d do it all over again to be caller #10 for Beyonce tickets.

Federal Aviation Administration regulators have ordered inspections on engine fan blades like the one which sheared off the Southwest Airlines flight, shattering a window and killing a passenger who was nearly sucked out of the aircraft. The FAA is still on the fence about the whole “smaller windows” idea.

  • A spokesperson for Allegiant Airlines said they won’t need to conduct the inspections, since their aircraft aren’t powered by jet engines, but rather old V8 engines from totaled Camaros.

 

 

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After Congress passed an anti-online sex trafficking bill, Craigslist shut down its Personals ads. Craigslist advised site visitors who still want to pay for sex to start browsing “Yard Sales”.

A woman angry over being bumped from an overbooked United Airlines flight was stunned to receive a $10,000 flight credit voucher. Asked by reporters why the woman was removed, a United spokesperson said they needed the space for dog coffins.

A Colorado district is transitioning to a four-day Tuesday-through-Friday school week. Mondays can now be freely used by students to score weed.

Playboy model Karen McDougal, in an interview with Anderson Cooper, apologized to Melania Trump for the sexual affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump. “No problem, you did ME the favor” replied Melania in a hand-written note with a Neiman Marcus gift card.

NASCAR postponed its race in Martinsville, Virginia on Sunday due to snow.  NASCAR fans were reluctant to leave, with most thinking they walked into a Coors Light ad.

Stormy Daniels’ interview with Anderson Cooper aired on 60 Minutes on Sunday, driving the show to its highest ratings in 10 years. CBS responded with a preview of next week’s feature: ‘Jenna Jameson Does Syria’.

Facebook Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg took out full-page newspaper ads to apologize for Facebook’s role in the Cambridge Analytica scandal, leading to a flood of calls by grandparents asking their kids and grandkids what Facebook and Cambridge Analytica are.

Amid speculation that he can’t find lawyers to aid his defense in the Russia investigation, President Trump tweeted that “many lawyers” want to join his team, all of whom have promised a “free consultation” and a history of winning “huge cash settlements”.

The day after the multi-city “March for our Lives”, Pope Francis used his Palm Sunday sermon to tell young people to ‘cry out’ to demand change. Except for young victims of Catholic priest sex abuse, who he told to ‘just be cool and deposit the check.’

Financial and industry analysts are speculating that Apple is working on a foldable iPhone, as Apple focuses on finding new ways to help iPhone users break their screens.

A 90-year-old Fremont, California man fell in a well and had to tread water for two hours waiting to be rescued. He was hospitalized with hypothermia and lacerations, and did not get his wish.