By |

Shanghai Disneyland reopened, challenging even the most expert Chinese photographers to frame selfies with Mickey Mouse while he stands six feet away.

Uber informed 3,500 customer support employees via Zoom calls that they were being terminated, saying there aren’t enough riders being sexually harassed by drivers to keep them busy.

Europe’s only seeing-eye guide pony had to retire from service after eating maple leaves, which are toxic to them. He survived, but he’s still a little hoarse. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

White Claw is introducing reduced-calorie White Claw 70, for weight-conscious pussies.

Boeing’s CEO appeared on the Today Show and said he thinks the COVID-19 pandemic will cause one major airline to shut down. He wouldn’t say which one, but said pretty much everybody hopes it’s Spirit.

Facebook and Instagram are celebrating the Class of 2020 during the Week of May 11th. Graduates can find special features on Instagram, and can avoid their parents & grandparents by not going on Facebook.

LinkedIn added user polls and video events, giving self-promoting suck-ups two more things for you to roll your eyes at when you visit the site.

An 11-year-old Brazilian boy became the first to ever land a 1080-degree flip off a standard ramp on a skateboard. Since he’s been blowing off homeschool math to practice, he figures that’s about six full rotations.

A 17-ton piece of a failed Chinese rocket that launched May 5 crashed back down to Earth, landing in the Atlantic Ocean west of Africa, sending a Chinese 7th grader back to the drawing board for next year’s Science Fair.

A new phishing scam involves fake Zoom & videoconference portals to steal personal information. Users should be on the lookout for services that look like Zoom, but where the host asks participants to introduce themselves with their social security number.

 

By |

Advocates for the disabled say that Spirit Airlines is leading the way with wide aisles and wheelchair-accessible lavatories. Fully-abled passengers aren’t as happy, since Spirit keeps putting wheelchair passengers in window seats.

Alanis Morissette said she’s going through early stages of menopause while breastfeeding. The hot flashes are so bad, her baby has to blow on the milk.

ESPN apologized for an on-air graphic shown during the NFL Draft. As the Cincinnati Bengals selected WR Tee Higgins, the graphic read that Higgins’ mom fought drug addiction for 16 years.  The New York Giants then selected Tee Higgins’ mom.

A family dog in North Carolina tested positive for coronavirus. The dog’s owners said the saddest part is watching the dog wear a mask and try to lick his own balls. [Story h/t to Michael P.]

Donald Trump plans to force meat processing plants to reopen with new restrictions to protect workers. Trump said he’ll require the hogs to line up six feet apart.

Kim Kardashian has accepted the ‘All In Challenge’ – it’s her biggest All-In Challenge since filming one with Ray J.

ABC reporter Will Reeve went viral for delivering an on-air report for Good Morning America fully dressed above the waist, but wearing no pants. In the morning news business, this is what’s known as a ‘Kathie Lee Gifford’.

The United States now has its 1 Millionth Coronavirus patient, but they were coughing too much to notice all the prizes they won.

An asteroid a mile wide will pass by Earth on April 29th but will not collide with it due to interstellar distancing.

Oprah Winfrey will deliver a virtual Commencement Address via Facebook on May 15th, but Las Vegas casinos are refusing to pay off million-to-one prop bets that Oprah would speak at the University of Phoenix graduation.

By |

McDonald’s is offering free meals to healthcare workers and first responders, so they can switch things up and have someone take care of them when they become ill.

The U.S. Navy declassified three UFO videos taken by Navy pilots. The UFOs are planning a multi-city flyover to honor the brave extraterrestrials living among us. 

To prove that Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un is alive, North Korean media published a letter he allegedly sent to South Africa’s President Cyril Ramaphosa dated April 27th. However, in the letter Kim asked Ramaphosa what he wants for Christmas. 

Felicity Huffman’s daughter Sophia was accepted to college based on her own SAT scores. Welcome Sophia Huffman to Strayer University’s Class of 2029. 

Comcast and Verizon have extended their pledge not to disconnect past-due customers through June 30th. Actually, it’ll be a lot longer since they’ll need your phone and internet connected to hound you to pay your bill. 

Camera drone maker DJI upped the specs on its new Mavic Air 2 model to 34 minutes of flight time and 48-megapixel photos – now creeps can hover it outside the bathroom windows of women who take really long showers. 

An ozone hole that formed over the Arctic this spring and grew into the largest ever, has now closed. Although next week it will reopen for curbside ozone pickup only. 

Starting May 1st, portions of Yokohama, Japan’s Unko Museum – dedicated entirely to poop – will be available for virtual tours. If you don’t want to wait until then, you can fill your computer screen with poop by streaming The Ingraham Angle.

The cast of ‘Melrose Place’ is reuniting for an episode of YouTube’s “Stars In The House”, to raise money for out-of-work actors, like most of the cast of ‘Melrose Place’. 

JetBlue announced passengers will be required to wear face masks on flights. Spirit Airlines also made a policy change, announcing passengers will be required to wear pants. 

 

By |

Cheesecake Factory furloughed 41,000 employees. Each received a pager which will buzz when it’s their turn to come back to work. [Reader Submitted Joke! Thanks to…”T”!]

Doctors claim a loss of taste and smell is an early warning of coronavirus infection. This has been true in China and the U.S., but is unproven in the U.K. because so many people there just don’t want to smell or taste the food anyway.

Archaeologists in Leeds, England found more than 600 bottles of toxic beer under the stairs in a brewery dating back to the 19th century. The bottles contain lethal amounts of lead, and are labeled Coors Light.

Nintendo is planning to commemorate the Super Mario series 35th anniversary with new games. In related news, Mario and Peach announced they’re separating just shy of their 35th Anniversary.

MIT will post plans online for an emergency ventilator that can be built for $100. It’ll have people everywhere asking “what the f*** did you do with the vacuum cleaner?”

U.S. airlines are offering 5-and-6-hour flights between the east and west coasts for as low as $14. There are no seat assignments, because you’ll be up the whole time cleaning the jet.

Google search results now display 3D images of creatures you can view up-close on your Android phone. So far, the most popular ones are tigers, pandas, and porn stars.

American Airlines pilot Pati Marsh – a woman with 39 years and over 30,000 flight hours of experience – reached age 65 and had to retire, per FAA regulations. Her former co-pilots are happy to now be able to lower the cockpit temperature below 80 degrees.

Gerrity’s Supermarket in Hanover Township, Pennsylvania was forced to discard $35,000 in produce after Margaret Cirko, 35, deliberately coughed and spat on all of it. She was removed by police and arrested – then did the same thing at Whole Foods, ruining $250,000 worth of produce.

Six CBS News reporters tested positive for coronavirus, as CBS News rushed to air a tv ad saying “CBS News – FIRST to have reporters WITH COVID-19”.

By |

Apple announced a ban on all coronavirus-and-quarantine themed games submitted to the App Store, including Pokemon Stay.

The NFL Players Association approved a new collective bargaining agreement, which adds a 17th regular season game. The 17th game was needed so the Jacksonville Jaguars could play one home game in Florida, instead of London or Mexico.

The White House doctor stated Donald Trump tested negative for coronavirus, but still received a penicillin shot for some other stuff he found.

While Major League Baseball is on hiatus, PBS stations will air Ken Burns documentary series ‘Baseball’ to ensure everyone still has a way to stay bored.

Comcast announced it will not overcharge customers for internet usage while they quarantine for coronavirus. A spokesperson said the move toward not gouging customers required Comcast to retrain every employee.

Dozens of states have closed schools for weeks. In response, bullies announced they’re tripling staff to beat up all of the newly home-schooled kids.

West Virginia is now the only U.S. state without a confirmed case of COVID-19, but doctors admit it’s tougher to diagnose in lungs coated with coal dust.

Boeing reached a deal with Spirit Airlines to restart production on its 737-MAX jets –so now people can save money when they die.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio halted visits to New York City prisons during the coronavirus outbreak. Casting was halted on Weinstein Productions latest film.

Gumby’s Pizza in State College, Pennsylvania was shut down for using a food preparation table as a bed to ink tattoos. Since the tattoos now won’t be done in a half-hour, they’re free.

By |

Mickey & Minnie Mouse, 91 years old each, finally have their own ride at Disney World: ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway’. It was supposed to be ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Railway’, so now you know why Disney didn’t want them having their own ride.

A New York City lawyer with coronavirus is listed in ‘severe’ condition, but his close friends say he’s motivated by the massive lawsuit he’ll file if he ever gets out of the hospital.

Senator Richard Blumenthal has asked U.S. airlines to immediately waive change and cancellation fees because of the coronavirus, and to waive change and cancellation fees for trips on Spirit Airlines just because.

A director at the Centers For Disease Control said that, to fight coronavirus, Americans may need to take a break from their normal daily routine for two weeks. “Okay, if you think it’ll help” said serial killers.

Buffalo Wild Wings is letting two contest winners live inside of a Chicago area location for one night during the ‘March Madness’ NCAA Mens Basketball tournament. The best part is they can watch all the games they want, but no one will make them eat there.

Ikea recalled another 820,000 dressers because of the risk of their falling on to small children. Ikea said owners can return the dressers, but not their children.

Do-it-yourself fecal transplants – used to put healthy bacteria in the colon to treat bowel disorders – are found to improve symptoms in 82% of people. The other 18% are sh*t out of luck.

Michael Bloomberg is ending his presidential bid after spending half a billion dollars on advertising. “Mike Will Get It Done” will long be remembered as the slogan of a guy who blew half a billion dollars on advertising when he could have bought a hockey team.

Flavor Flav gave his first interview since being fired as a member of Public Enemy, 90 percent of which was the ‘Y’ sound in the word ‘boy’.

Alaska Airlines, Southwest, United and Hawaiian all announced low fares on flights to Hawaii, so book now if you’ve ever dreamed of spending two weeks in a tropical hospital.

 

By |

The FAA is considering keeping travelers from bringing emotional support animals into the cabin during air travel. They would continue to allow boarding for emotional hostility animals, also known as passengers.

A new study claims consumption of soybean oil contributes to diabetes, obesity and genetic changes in the brain. “So?” said overweight transsexuals.

Utah outlawed gay conversion therapy for children – telling parents they’re better off saving up and trying it when the kids are older.

Coca-Cola representatives attending the World Economic Forum said they’ll continue to use resealable plastic bottles, because their customers insist on drinking really fizzy – then really flat – soda out of them.

A woman on a Spirit Airlines flight accused a fellow passenger of assault, saying a man in the adjacent seat put his hands down the back of her pants while she slept. The man said he asked a flight attendant for a blanket to warm his hands, but since it was Spirit Airlines, the flight attendant said ‘no’ and told him to improvise.

President Trump dismissed reports of U.S. military personnel suffering traumatic head injuries and concussions from Iran’s missile strike on a U.S. base, calling them “headaches”. Trump said he’d “seen worse”, but that he “didn’t watch football anymore.”

A Philadelphia Flyers season ticket holder claims Gritty, the team’s mascot, punched his teen son in the back at a team event. Team officials dispute the claim, but added if the kid didn’t punch back, he can’t be of much use to the Philadelphia Flyers.

Netflix executives say that, despite investor pressure to raise revenue, they won’t be airing ads during Netflix programming. Viewers say they don’t want ads either, and that they already time bathroom breaks during buffering.

Planters plans to kill off its longtime mascot, the monocled Mr. Peanut, during a Super Bowl ad. The ad – where Mr. Peanut falls to his death – replaced a more controversial version where he choked to death on his own nuts.

Retailer Gamestop declared bankruptcy. They petitioned a judge to blow the dust out of their old, massive debt and restart.

By |

A North Carolina woman’s windshield was smashed when struck by a large catfish dropped by a bird.  The woman was not injured, but several of the bird’s friends were arrested on a highway overpass preparing to drop more catfish on passing cars.

Bill Cosby’s spokesman criticized Eddie Murphy’s joke about Cosby during his Saturday Night Live monologue, saying Cosby paved the way for other black entertainers. Cosby did not see the joke himself, but he pretty much can’t see anything these days.

‘Cats’ the movie opened to horrible reviews, garnering just 18% ‘fresh’ on Rotten Tomatoes. Theater workers also complained, saying they’ve never picked up such disgusting litter as they did cleaning up after Cats.

Two Carnival cruise ships collided in Cozumel, Mexico. Cleaning didn’t work, so one of the captains tried to knock the norovirus off his ship.

A drunken, incoherent fan crashed the postgame press conference of Philadelphia Eagles coach Doug Pederson. He was quickly taken away so the drunken, incoherent Philadelphia press could ask their questions.

Alaska Airlines blamed rampant delays on an unusual amount of baggage handlers calling in sick, and apologized for an “awful holiday travel experience”. Spirit Airlines called their own awful holiday travel experience “business as usual”.

A woman claims hundreds of pieces of tiny red glitter reading ‘Ho’ fell off wrapping paper she bought at Target, saying that her house has ‘Ho’s everywhere — just the latest instance of Hos making life hard for wrappers.

Jennifer Lopez told Business Insider that she limits her children’s ‘screen time’ each week. ‘Screen time’ is what JLo calls it when her kids are in the same room with her.

24 states and 48 cities will raise their minimum wage on January 1st, 2020. In response, Chipotle doubled avocado shipments to accommodate the newly-minted rich who can now pay a bit extra for guacamole.

Boeing’s CEO resigned amidst fallout from the company’s 737-MAX disaster. He told close friends the worst part was having to fly coach on the way home after.

By |

Facebook announced its new cryptocurrency, Libra. It’s the easy-to-understand alternate currency from the people who brought you Facebook Privacy Settings.

  • Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg highlighted the need for a new cryptocurrency, because after the first few billion, U.S. dollars get boring.

Marvel Studios is rereleasing Avengers: Endgame with new scenes: of a mortuary technician’s electrocution death from pouring embalming fluid on the thing in Tony Stark’s chest, and Thanos hip-hop dancing to Snap “I’ve Got The Power”.

Rotten Tomatoes published a list of 150 Erotic Movies – Ranked Worst to Best. No men have yet challenged the rankings cause they’ve been stuck in the 140s for a while now.

Conservative publication National Review gave one of the few negative reviews to Disney’s upcoming Toy Story 4, citing cowboy Woody’s refusal to detain toys made in Mexico.

Apple will offer device repair at over 1,000 Best Buy stores, at locations called The Not Exactly Genius Bar.

Google announced a new initiative with 4-H Clubs to bring coding skills to rural towns. They just need computers with keyboards big enough for the cows’ & pigs’ hooves.

Actress Bella Thorne issued a tearful video in response to Whoopi Goldberg’s criticism of her for the release of hacked nude pictures. Goldberg said Thorne shouldn’t take nudes to begin with, a sentiment echoed by Goldberg’s long-ago boyfriend, Ted Danson in blackface.

The Federal Reserve chose not to increase interest rates, meaning borrowers’s rates will remain the same on student loans they won’t pay back anyway.

A doctor in England removed a patient’s 2 1/2-centimeter-long chunk of earwax and posted it online. The patient’s hearing was restored and they also solved the mystery of the family’s missing hamster.

BuzzFeed posted a list of photographs of first class meals on 24 different airlines.  Spirit Airlines photo was a picture of a shirtless stowaway vagrant eating an egg salad sandwich in the cargo hold.

San Francisco became the first city to ban e*cigarettes – while announcing a concurrent  plan to provide Juul’ing douchebags safe spaces to kick their habit such as poetry slams and comedy open mics.

 

 

 

By |

Pet supply company Chewy raised over $1 billion in its initial public stock offering. “Who’s a good boy!?” said the CEO to the lead investment banker.

A Southwest Airlines passenger was bombarded with nude photos sent to her by a male passenger via Apple AirDrop. Flight attendants made an announcement for it to stop. The woman passenger was shocked, but pleased that the in-flight wifi worked so well.

O.J. Simpson started a Twitter account. Kato Kaelin is expected to join Twitter to take care of it for him.

CNN published a profile ‘What It’s Like To Be A White Woman Named LaKiesha’. Aside from the many other misunderstandings, she’s super-frustrated with all of the fundraising emails she gets from Blacks For Trump.

A mom said her 4-year-old son barely spoke until he heard the hit song ‘Old Town Road’ and started singing it. Now lots of people ask her to please shut up her non-verbal kid.

Mattel introduced Hot Wheels ID, ‘smart’ Hot Wheels cars that store data about how it performs in races, right up until your kid blows it up with firecrackers.

A shark bit an 8-year-old boy in the leg off the coast of North Carolina. The boy was rushed to a hospital and is expected to recover, and the shark has to register as a child predator.

More than 260 dolphins have been found stranded off of the Gulf Coast near Florida, Louisiana & Alabama. Scientists are baffled, but the dolphins blame Spirit Airlines.

Americans were outraged by a Tweet from Bill Cosby reading “Hey hey hey .. It’s America’s Dad”, then commenting about the importance of fatherhood. However, President Trump was relieved to see convicted felons get to use Twitter in prison.

President Trump tweeted about the “motley crew” of Democratic presidential challengers, reminding his followers that he’s the one they call Dr Feelgood, he’s the one that makes you feel alright.