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The FDA warned consumers not to purchase 6 brands of ground cinnamon containing high levels of lead. This, after some people put the cinnamon in the hot cider they were holding and broke their arm.

A University of Pittsburgh study that followed women for 15 years concluded that 28% of women remain “highly interested” in sex in their 50s and 60s – just as long as their partners are okay talking about it for an hour before and after.

YouTuber turned pro boxer Jake Paul will fight 57-year-old Mike Tyson. Tyson is expected to be paid a lot more than he’s earned for his recent fights against CTE and arthritis.

Hannah Gutierrez-Reed, armorer on Alec Baldwin movie ‘Rust’, was convicted of involuntary manslaughter in the accidental shooting death of cinematographer Halyna Hutchins. Prison officials checked their camera to ensure there weren’t any live rounds in it before her mugshot.

North West’s best friend shared images of private text messages between the two while West recorded video. The texts were mostly heart emojis, but her other texts from her Dad had some pretty crazy stuff about Israel in them.

New England oceanographers spotted a rare gray whale, which hadn’t been seen in 200 years. It’s either a gray whale, or a really old black whale that decided to stop coloring its blubber.

Las Vegas airport will test the first TSA self-screening check-in terminals. They’re trialing the system with locally-employed exotic dancers, so other passengers can watch as they give themselves a pat-down.

A study found people consuming refined carbohydrates are rated as “more attractive” by heterosexuals of the opposite gender. The study surveyed guys who looked at thin women eating a dozen donuts when they thought no one could see them.

A Texas mom whose son had his drink stolen by a school bully mixed a new drink that the bully took, drank, and sent him to the hospital vomiting. The mom was arrested, but released and now has a thriving business making puke Gatorade for nerds.

The Buffalo Bills resigned backup quarterback Mitch Trubisky after his release from the Pittsburgh Steelers, causing his wife to post a celebratory message on Instagram about going back to Buffalo. Hillary Trubisky remains under observation.

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Gaston Glock, inventor of the Glock handgun, died. The family is currently auditioning 750 different rappers to deliver the eulogy.

Boeing is calling for inspections of its 737 Max jets for possible ‘loose bolts’. They’re also urging inspection of the entire Spirit Airlines fleet for “being 50 years old”.

A Tesla robot injured a human employee at the company’s Texas factory, clawing his back and drawing blood. The robot has since been recruited away to motivate workers at an Amazon warehouse.

Bethenny Frankel said she was searched at LAX after her vagina triggered an airport metal detector. She added that no metal was found, just her neck pillow and another carry-on bag.

BlendJet portable blenders were recalled by the Consumer Product Safety Commission because their blades could break and the motor could catch fire – giving everyone who got them as Christmas gifts two more terrific reasons to return them.

Meadow Walker, daughter of late actor Paul Walker, announced she and her husband are amicably divorcing after marrying in 2021. While the marriage was fast, neither are furious.

A 3-year-old video from Celebrity Apprentice staffer Noel Casler claims Donald Trump wears diapers and that he’s incontinent from drug use, explaining other recent claims that Trump smells bad. Trump disputed claims of his incontinence, saying he’s always lived in North America.

Powerful 20-foot waves along the California shore are breaching seawalls and damaging buildings along the coastline. So far over a dozen surfer dudes have been pulled out of third-floor windows because it’s, like, soooooo gnarly.

Sephora customers are posting TikTok videos saying they’ve stopped using Sol de Janeiro body butter because it attracts spiders. Experts dispute this, but the spiders say that body butter improves the taste of flies.

Natalie Reynolds, an influencer, wore body-painted leggings over a bikini bottom to a California gym. Commenters debated the appropriateness of her body-painted bottoms, while other gym members were angry at having to wipe down machines with turpentine after she used them.

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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

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Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

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Researchers created special light waves that can penetrate opaque materials. They plan to use it to see through coworkers clothes and underwear.

Hester Ford, recognized as the oldest living American at 116 years old, passed away in her hometown of Charlotte, North Carolina. The title of oldest American now goes to Thelma Sutcliffe, 115, of Nebraska, who also just died.

Vandals threw a pig’s head at the home of a retired police officer who testified in Derek Chauvin’s defense, but it turns out the man no longer lives there. The vandals asked if they could get their pig head back along with directions to his new place.

Demi Lovato criticized a frozen yogurt shop for displaying sugar-free items, saying it was “triggering” to her eating disorder. Lovato then had a nervous breakdown walking through the soda aisle of a grocery store.

Facebook now allows users to export posts to Blogger & WordPress.com – so that user’s thoughts and ideas can be ignored on multiple sites.

A suspected rhino poacher was killed in an elephant stampede at a national park in South Africa. The elephants were disappointed in park rangers efforts to stop the poachers, so they put their foot down.

Model Ireland Baldwin showed off her new butt tattoo in a bikini photo shoot. The tattoo is actually on her arm, but it’s a picture of her father Alec.

6 people were wounded in a mass shooting at a child’s birthday party in Louisiana. After treatment at a nearby hospital, the clown promised to improve his act.

TSA agents at Houston’s Hobby Airport found crystal meth in a breakfast burrito. The passenger was arrested, but to stay competitive, the Houston airport McDonald’s introduced the Meth McMuffin.

The dead body of a man infected with COVID-19 washed ashore in the island nation of Vanuatu, leaving local officials concerned about how they’ll conduct contact tracing with sea turtles.

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Amazon is testing robotic machines that are able to pack customer orders in special boxes. The machines reportedly replace up to 24 human jobs, once they’ve figured out how to skip breaks by leaking oil into empty soda bottles.

A French documentary reports that Amazon routinely disposes of large quantities of unsold, unwanted products in what it terms “destruction zones” – their code name for Sears.

President Trump is reportedly highly involved in planning the nation’s July 4th celebration, including his giving a speech from the Lincoln Memorial. Staffers are busy figuring out how to move the Lincoln Memorial to Florida.

University of Michigan head basketball coach John Beilein is leaving the school to become head coach of the Cleveland Cavaliers. The deal is reportedly for five years and a salary that makes it worth moving to Cleveland.

Facebook is paying content moderators up to $22/hour to review and manage potentially objectionable content. So when that girl told you she wouldn’t want to see your privates if you paid her? Well, now there’s someone who will.

AirHelp compiled its list of the best and worst airports worldwide. Newark Liberty Airport was named the Worst Airport in the United States.  Travelers with checked baggage arriving in Philadelphia International Airport plan to appeal.

Matthew Boling set a new U.S. high school record with a 10.13 second 100-meter dash.  Boling’s nickname is ‘white lightning’, because he is fast and because Irish American Lightning isn’t especially catchy.

Senator Elizabeth Warren refused an invitation to attend a Fox News Town Hall, calling Fox News a “hate-for-profit racket”. Fox News executives are considering it to replace their retired slogan “Fair and Balanced”.

Match.com is launching ‘Ask Match’, a feature where you can request dating advice from Match experts. So far, Match has terminated a number of male dating coaches whose sole advice to female members was “maybe you should just have sex with him.”

Lenovo has introduced a new laptop with a screen that bends in half. They say they got the idea from watching TSA inspectors do the same thing at airport check-in lines.

 

 

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Jada Pinkett Smith spoke on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ about her past sex addiction. She said she managed to get it under control by getting married.

Tesla plans to build an auto manufacturing plant in Shanghai that will make 500,000 autos per year, or about five per year for every teenager working there.

Colton Underwood, 26. a former NFL practice squad player, admitted on ABC’s ‘The Bachelorette’ that he’s still a virgin. ‘Bachelorette’ Becca Kufrin told Underwood that she’s not a virgin, and has also spent considerable time around football players.

President Donald Trump arrived at the NATO Summit in Brussels, playing the role of the brother-in-law that nobody likes but still has to be invited to the wedding.

Instagram model Katarina Zatrutskie was being photographed floating above a pack of nurse sharks in the Bahamas when one shark attacked her, grabbing her wrist and pulling her underwater. Zatruskie freed herself, and immediately called for help from doctor sharks.

NFL player A.J. Francis angrily tweeted at the Transportation Security Administration for opening an urn containing his dead mother’s ashes and dumping them all over the inside of his suitcase during a checked bag inspection. The TSA apologized and offered Francis an official TSA Dustbuster.

Google is now referring to the different voices in its Assistant app by color.  But they’re fixing a bug where users seeking directions to bad neighborhoods are being talked out of going by the White Assistant.

Singer Cardi B. delivered a baby girl, Kulture Kiari Cephus, on Tuesday, via her Cardi V.

Microsoft introduced the Surface Go, a tablet competitor to the iPad. However, since it runs Windows instead of iOS or Android, the name stands for Go-ing on Closeout.

Consumer agency Technomic released its findings of the Cleanest Chain Restaurants in America. In the fast-casual category, Chick-fil-A was the cleanest.  In the somewhat-fast-slovenly category, Arby’s won by default.

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The NBA Dallas Mavericks are investigating complaints of sexual harassment by their front office executives, and complaints from players that they’re running out of groupies to sexually harass.

According to a USA Today poll, 94% of women in Hollywood claim they’ve been victims of sexual harassment or assault. The remaining 6% are believed dead.

A 22-year-old driver in Detroit lost control of their vehicle and died after striking a giant pothole. Emergency responders arrived, circled the pothole with white paint, and left.

Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines showed off its new Symphony of the Seas, the largest passenger cruise ship in history.  The name Symphony of the Seas comes from the sound of hundreds of passengers with norovirus vomiting at the same time.

Retired hero pilot ‘Sully’ Sullenberger weighed in on controversy surrounding EPA Chief Scott Pruitt’s flying first class because it’s safer than coach. “First class is not safer than economy” said Sullenberger; adding “especially if you’re landing in a river.”

The Transportation Security Authority said that they found 104 firearms in carry-on bags at airports between February 5th and 11th, a new one-week record. 87 of the guns were loaded and 38 had a live round in the chamber, because people flying Southwest really want that aisle seat.

The Philadelphia Eagles filed for a trademark to own the phrase “Philly Special” – the name of their Super Bowl trick play. They face an uphill fight against South Philly prostitutes, who claim they’ve used the phrase to describe a $50 deal on sex that comes with a free pretzel.

A new Quinnipiac University poll finds that 97 percent of Americans want universal background checks for gun buyers, although the other 3 percent said they’d probably want them, too, if you put a gun to their head.

Uber announced a new carpooling service called Uber Express Pool, which it says will cost half as much as Uber Pool. The service works like a bus, where a small group of Uber passengers go to a shared pickup spot, get in, and eat/fart/masturbate until arriving at their stop.

Former Des Moines, Iowa TV meteorologist Frank Scaglione was reportedly banned from visiting his former high school for pursuing underage boys through social media. Scaglione’s attorney denied the charges, saying he was just offering to show the boys what a warm front looks like.

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A self-driving electric shuttle van in Las Vegas collided with a delivery truck within an hour of deployment on the city’s streets. The shuttle immediately fled the accident scene and was apprehended in a strip club parking lot, charged with reckless endangerment and possession of methamphetamine.

Congress is seeking to stem the illegal flow of cellphones into prisons. One U.S. Representative introduced a bill to cap jailed felons’ data plans at 1 gig/month.

  • The Federal Bureau of Prisons confiscated over 5,000 cellphones in 2016. Guards became suspicious when Hello Kitty iPhone cases became the top seller at federal penitentiary commissaries.

Pope Francis has banned the sale of cigarettes at the Vatican starting in 2018. “Now what are we going to put in our mouths and suck on?” asked priests.

An FBI counterterrorism supervisor in North Carolina reportedly got drunk and had his gun, Rolex watch and $60 cash stolen by an exotic dancer he took to his hotel room. President Trump announced even more extreme vetting of exotic dancers by the FBI and himself personally. [h/t to J. Koppel]

  • The FBI raised the terror threat level to Orange at the Boom Boom Room in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Outgoing Starbucks CEO Howard Schulz slammed the GOP tax plan as ‘fools gold’, implying that it will only help the wealthy and not lead to a more compassionate society. He then looked on as a $9/hour worker bought a $6 latte.

Apple refutes an FBI claim that it hasn’t helped their Quantico office in unlocking Texas church shooter Devin Kelley’s iPhone, saying they have no record of the office requesting an appointment at the Genius Bar.

Homeland Security conducted undercover tests and found Transportation Security Administration airport screeners failed to detect test weapons at a ‘disturbingly’ high rate.  The head of the TSA replied that workers lacked motivation – due to budget cuts, screeners who successfully found contraband no longer received Pupperoni.

Facebook continues to encroach on Craigslist territory with the introduction of property rentals to its rapidly growing Facebook Marketplace section. However, investment analysts warn that while Facebook Marketplace has grown 300% since its launch, it still lags Craigslist in market share among murderous creeps.

China’s President Xi Jinping said in a joint news conference with President Trump “the Pacific Ocean is big enough to accommodate China and the United States.” While Trump thought Xi was talking about free trade, he was really talking about global warming.

Portia de Rossi and Julianna Margulies have each come forward to allege sexual harassment by actor Steven Seagal. The two actresses say they waited to go public, citing the embarrassment of others knowing they wanted to be in a Steven Seagal movie.