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Nike will no longer sell to Amazon. However, as part of its partnership with the WNBA, Nike will continue to provide footwear to Amazons.

The Centers for Disease Control say that anitbiotic-resistant “superbugs” killed 35,000 people last year. Among the worst are fungus Candida auris, and Herbie.

Pink announced she’s taking a break from music in 2020. Cardi B. announced she’s also taking a break from music, but will continue to produce and sell whatever you call her stuff.

Narwhal, a puppy with an extra tail growing out of his forehead, was surrendered to an animal rescue in Missouri. The puppy is otherwise perfectly normal, but gets frustrated by other puppies coming up and sniffing his mouth.

Motorola introduced its new folding 2019 Razr smartphone – it’s expected to be a hit with executive douchebags who perfected the 2005 angry snap-close cell phone hangup.

Google confirmed two rumors that it’s collecting Americans’ health data, and also issuing checking accounts. They say there’s no better time to collect overdraft fees for medical treatments people can’t afford.

Walmart released its Black Friday ad two weeks in advance, and somehow a dozen people were trampled to death going to Walmart’s website.

Caviar, a Russian luxury gadgets company, is selling a set of Apple AirPods Pro headphones covered in 18-karat gold for $67,000.  They make the perfect gift for the stylish rat who will wear them after they fall into the sewer.

Social network Peanut raised $5 million in venture funding. It’s a network for moms and women trying to conceive – not to be confused with Tinder, for women trying not to conceive.

A Michigan man taking wildlife photos captured a picture of a rare three-antlered deer. He found the deer drinking out of a public fountain in Flint.

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The U.S. Army debuted a new ad campaign targeting Generation Z. It’s called  ‘Screw It, We’re Doing Fine Without You’.

Sources say Google is working on a secret program to collect health information from U.S. residents. They say until Google collects the information, the default setting for Americans health is “terrible”.

Google is reportedly planning to give slow-loading websites a “badge of shame” in its Chrome browser, and a lifetime achievement badge of shame to Comcast for throttling every website its internet service handles.

Government documents say Southwest Airlines is flying three dozen jets without certifying they comply with safety standards. Said a Southwest spokesperson “that’s because they don’t.”

Walmart and Target stores are reporting that popular toy ‘The Super Squishy Blob Ball’ is breaking and leaking. They haven’t seen this many swollen leaky balls since a gonorrhea outbreak at the company management retreat.

Pediatricians say children need simple toys, not iPads and electronics. Parents are advised to give their kid the iPad for a couple of hours to find themselves simple toys. [h/t to A.O. for the story]

Rudy Giuliani is reportedly considering hosting a podcast about the Congressional Impeachment proceedings. He’s looking for wealthy Ukrainian thugs with experience setting up a podcast studio.

Budweiser maker Anheuser-Busch InBev is in talks to buy the Kona Brewing Company. Budweiser plans to expand the Kona lineup with a new brew, just as soon as they learn  the correct Hawaiian word for ‘piss’.

South Carolina officials shut down Dominion Energy’s V.C. Summer nuclear reactor after a leak was discovered. Asked who discovered the leak, Dominion Energy said it’s a guy who’s going to be out of work for a while.

Disney+ is experiencing “unable to connect” errors on launch day. However for extra money, you can buy a Fast Pass to actually bypass the bottleneck and watch what you originally paid for.

 

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Applebees, Denny’s, Olive Garden and other restaurants are offering free meals in honor of Veterans Day. To receive the free meal, you must be a military veteran, or a food service veteran with PTSD.

In honor of Veterans Day, President Trump will attend a service honoring canines who wanted to serve, but were diagnosed with bone spurs in all four paws.

Much of the United States will experience record-breaking cold this week. It’s expected to break over 200 records, and shrink the number of August 2020 births by 80 percent on account of thick, fuzzy pajamas.

‘Love & Hip-Hop’ star Trina got into a fight at a Florida Walmart after bumping shopping carts with a woman who then called her a ‘n***** bitch’. Walmart said they were cancelling all remaining Black Friday dress rehearsals.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said the rental service will now verify all of its listings, to give renters the peace of mind they need before they’re assaulted or murdered in a stranger’s house on vacation.

Food Network published a list of ‘100 Food Safety Red Flags’. Among them are: servers who appear to be ill; food that’s the wrong temperature; or anyone saying “welcome to Waffle House”.

Warner Brothers Animation released the trailer for Scoob! – the first feature-length animated Scooby-Doo film in decades. It’s the second-most anticipated movie in the Scooby-Doo Universe, right after Death of Scrappy-Doo.

A CBS News investigative report claims dating app fixation is causing user burnout. Users of dating apps say they’d be okay with it if the burnout was in their genitals, not their brains.

Jennifer Aniston was recognized as the 2019 ‘People’s Icon’ at the People’s Choice Awards. She’s only the second performer to receive it, the first being someone we’ve already forgotten about.

The Department of Transportation issued guidelines for families booking air travel, so that they’ll be seated together. They include booking early; reviewing an airline’s seating policy; and making sure Dad isn’t changing his seat assignment on purpose.

 

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A man in Scranton PA is wanted for tricking a woman into selling him a used iPhone for a roll of bills containing two $1s, a $10, and a Million-Dollar Bill. The woman realized the Million Dollar Bill was a fake when she didn’t see Donald Trump’s picture on it.

Walmart’s Black Friday sales ad appears to have leaked online. The deals are so good, dirtbags and their extended families are practicing stampedes at the door to their barns.

The new National Hockey League team in Seattle announced its best season tickets will sell for $12,000 to over $15,000. While expensive, they say the average fan can afford it if they just cut out five or six $6 capuccinos a day.

Disneyland guests were exposed to the measles after an infected person visited the park last week. ‘It’s A Small World’ was quarantined since none of the child robots were vaccinated.

Four American Airlines flight attendants were arrested for money laundering at Miami airport, accused of carrying thousands of dollars in cash. During interrogation, each was given a small glass of Diet Coke but were not allowed to have the whole can.

Actor William H. Macy visited wife Felicity Huffman in prison, bringing her a script with a file in it.

A list of the 50 Worst Rappers has gone viral. Will Smith and MC Hammer were not on the list, leading to speculation that the list was created by Will Smith and MC Hammer.

‘Joker’ is set to become the highest-grossing R-rated movie ever released, at least until Marvel includes a nude scene in ‘Black Widow’ or ‘Captain Marvel 2’.

Mark Zuckerberg said Facebook will commit $1 Billion toward creating affordable housing in California. The money will go to build 4 townhouses in San Francisco.

 

 

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California legislators took the next steps to pass a law allowing college athletes to make money off of their name and likeness, which currently violates NCAA rules. College athletes like the law because it doesn’t say anything about having to attend classes.

Walmart is rolling out a subscription service for unlimited grocery delivery – provided all you want is soda, chicken fingers and potato chips.

Researchers found that standing desks offer no meaningful health benefits. They say the main advantage of a standing desk is alleviating temporary discomfort – but that workplace discomfort can also be alleviated by quitting.

Comedian Artie Lange announced he’s seven months sober and out of rehab. A judge told Lange to keep his nose clean, and Lange replied it should be easy, since there isn’t much of his nose left.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was released from prison, where he served eight months for tax evasion. He’s now Mike “The Probation” Sorrentino.

Sharon Osbourne showed off her latest facelift on the season premiere of ‘The Talk’. Ozzy would get a facelift, but he has a hard enough time talking out of the face he has.

The New York Times alleges 2018 Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test before winning the Kentucky Derby. Since winning the Triple Crown, Justify has also become more difficult to deal with and walked out of an intervention.

A new company is selling “Granny Pods” – a one-person modular home for grandparents you can put in your backyard with enhanced safety and medical monitoring features. And even though it’s close, you don’t have to visit.

The Cleveland Browns banned the wrong fan from future games for throwing beer on a Tennessee Titans player after Sunday’s home opener. The Browns lost 43-13, so thousands of fans banned themselves from upcoming home games.

Amazon opened up Alexa Answers, crowdsourced responses to questions that previously stumped Alexa, such as “where to bats go in the winter?”; “what is cork made of?”; and “why am I such a loser that I spend most of my time talking to an appliance?”.

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Six spectators were injured at the Tour Championship golf tourney when lightning struck a nearby tree. It was originally believed four people were hurt, but it was God yelling “fore” as the lightning came crashing down.

Hasbro Toys acquired Death Row Records – launching G.I. Joe’s long-awaited foray into battle rap.

Faith-based feature film ‘Overcomer’ earned $8 million at the weekend box office. It’s the story of a high-school athletic coach and churchgoer who can’t stop ejaculating.

Plagued with injuries over his last several seasons, Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck announced his retirement at age 29. Luck was asked if he planned to remain in Indianapolis, but was gone before the question was finished.

Disney announced they’ll be opening Disney Stores in Target locations. Disney fans are excited, since many can’t afford travel to Disneyland or Disney World to shoplift there.

Not to be outdone, Walmart plans to open Yosemite Sam Stores in their gun departments.

A woman claims her soon-to-be-ex-spouse – a female astronaut – accessed her online accounts and stole her identity while aboard the International Space Station. The accusation is amazing, but not as amazing as having reliable high-speed Internet in outer space.

Epcot Center will open a new ‘Ratatouille’ experience for guests in its France pavilion. It’s just the same rats in the kitchen, but now they’ll let visitors see them.

Cocaine worth over $1 million was found in boxes of bananas shipped to Safeway grocery stores in Washington state. Police believe there are other shipments, since several Safeway stockboys are now driving Escalades.

Las Vegas’ Hooters Hotel & Casino has been sold to a hotel chain from India. They say they’ll remove the Hooters brand, but still offer terrible chicken wings you’ll regret eating the next morning.

 

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VP Mike Pence announced the 2020 launch of the Space Force. That is, unless a Democrat is elected President in 2020, in which case The Force Will Not Be With Us.

A viral video shows a large alligator scaling a fence. The U.S. Border Patrol is now on the lookout for alligators smuggling immigrants from Mexico in their stomachs.

Sony Pictures is pulling Spider-Man out of the Marvel Cinematic Universe due to a profit-sharing dispute with Marvel parent company Disney. Spider-Man will be leaving the Avengers, but is excited about joining Charlie’s Angels.

Delta Airlines claims to have not bumped a single passenger in the last five months – but would not say if passengers accepted offers to share crates with dogs.

Philadelphia Chief of Police Richard Ross resigned over not doing enough to limit sexual harrassment among the force’s rank-&-file. Ross allegedly tried every kind of bribe to stop it.

Walmart is suing Tesla. They claim Tesla solar panels are catching fire, creating a safety issue. Walmart said they’re used to stores being dumpster fires, but not roof fires.

85-year-old Larry King filed for divorce from his seventh wife, Shawn. King updated his Facebook relationship status from “Married” to “It’s Complicated – and by ‘It’ I mean sex because I’m 85 years old”.

ABC announced the 12 new contestants on ‘Dancing With The Stars’, including former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer, who insisted that it’s 24 contestants.

Popeye’s, Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s, and other brands are fighting on Twitter about who has the best chicken sandwich. KFC is sitting it out, so as not to focus attention on what’s in its “chicken” sandwich.

The Washington Post profiled Revel, a company renting electric mopeds for riding in D.C. The author said the moped turned everyone’s head, including his own when he was struck by a city bus.

 

 

 

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NFL Superstar Tom Brady spoke to ‘Men’s Health’ magazine for its September issue. The magazine asked healthy-eater Brady what foods he has on his “cheat days”. Brady said he doesn’t remember what he eats before he has the air let out of footballs.

The Supreme Court will hear the case of a blind man who claims he couldn’t order a Domino’s Pizza at their website. Lower courts ruled not being able to get Domino’s Pizza made the blind man lucky.

Comcast/Xfinity will now offer their $10 Internet Essentials broadband product to anyone on limited income or government assistance. A Comcast spokesman announced the move, saying “terrible customer service isn’t just for rich people anymore!”

In the wake of a mass shooting, President Trump will visit El Paso, Texas – although many residents want him to stay away. Trump has now visited the sites of so many tragedies, he asked aides if this visit is a “thoughts & prayers” one, or a paper-towel-tossing one.

Disney announced a remake of ‘Home Alone’ for its new Disney+ streaming service. The story reimagines Kevin McAllister as a kid with a cell phone, and the movie is over in ten minutes.

A Walmart employee is urging a workers’ strike to get the retailer to stop selling guns. Walmart executives are concerned that they won’t be able to tell the difference between the striking employees and the ones still on the clock.

Two robbers stole 1,567 gold coins valued at $2.5 million from Mexico’s mint. Police are on the lookout for suspects with saggy, noisy pockets.

Researchers in Asia developed Arque, a robotic tail to be worn by humans that assists them in maintaining balance. It’s designed to be worn when ascending steep inclines, carrying heavy objects, or if you’re a rich alcoholic.

Highway patrol officers have a new tool to detect drivers impaired by marijuana. It’s called the Drager DrugTest 5000. It consists of a mouth swab, and a voice assistant that asks “are you holding?”

Editors Note:

Philadelphia comedian, family man & friend Michael Brooks passed away on Monday. I worked with him lots of times. A great hugger, a fine & unique talent, and a performer that crowds loved and who always delivered a fun, energetic show. He’s survived by his wife and young daughter, so please keep some positive thoughts in memory of a great guy.DSC_2252 (1)

 

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Russi Taylor, the voice of Minnie Mouse, passed away. “Now maybe I can watch a ballgame in peace” said Mickey Mouse.

Walmart and Nordstrom are opening stores that don’t sell anything. In the highly competitive brick-and-mortar retail space, they’re each trying to increase foot traffic from shoplifters.

81-year-old Bernie Madoff is asking President Trump to commute his 150-year prison sentence. Trump is considering cutting it in half, to 75 years.

A massive brawl on a British cruise ship was caused by a passenger who arrived for dinner dressed as a clown – proving that even clowns will get their ass kicked if they take all of the crab legs from the buffet.

Lauren Sorrentino, wife of ‘Jersey Shore’ star and convicted felon Mike “The Situtation” Sorrentino, revealed that she got a nose job before their wedding a year ago. Since his incarceration, The Situtation has gotten several physical modifications of his own, but he’s not as happy with them.

The U.S. Coast Guard released video of a frantic boat crew dumping huge bags of cocaine during a Pacific Ocean chase earlier this year. The Coast Guard seized 2,300 pounds of cocaine from the vessel, and the coke that went overboard fueled the biggest Dolphin Rave in history.

A Mom at a Payless shoe store going-out-of-business sale bought all of its remaining inventory, 1,500 pairs of shoes in all. She planned to give them to the poor, but the poor people are holding out for something that looks a lot cooler.

Responding to accusations of cultural insensitivity, Kim Kardashian is changing the name of her Kimono line of shapewear. She hasn’t announced the new name, but her trademark attorney is researching how to say ‘fat ass’ in Japanese.

A guest at a Memphis area Hampton Inn was awakened by a snake draped across her arm. The hotel apologized and explained that it must have escaped from the free breakfast buffet.

Las Vegas is being hit with a wave of flying pallid-wing grasshoppers, with hundreds of thousands of the bugs swarming the city’s bright lights. Residents say this is the closest they’ve come to a biblical plague since the Britney Spears residency.

NBA free agent Jeremy Lin said that he’s hit “rock bottom” and feels that the league has given up on him. He added that, as a Chinese-American with a degree from Harvard, he doesn’t know what other opportunities there are for him outside of basketball.

 

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Founder Elon Musk said Tesla will “most likely” begin upgrading older vehicles with new computer chips – so that a speedier processor can drive your car into the back of a tractor-trailer while you sleep behind the wheel.

Eye drops sold at Walmart and Walgreens are being recalled because they’re not sterile. Customers are advised to return the drops for a full refund if they ever get their vision back.

Vice President Mike Pence will visit immigrants at the southern border. “Looks okay to me” said Pence, standing at the southern border where Indiana becomes Kentucky.

Washington, D.C. was hit by flash flooding, stranding drivers and flooding the White House basement. “Quick, get the tanks!” said a local idiot.

A couple sued an in-vitro fertility clinic for impregnating a woman with the wrong embryo.  The CHA Fertility Clinic was also cited for keeping inadequate records, storing eggs only as Jumbo, Extra Large & Large.

The 7.1 magnitude California earthquake created massive cracks in the Earth near Ridgecrest, visible from outer space. It’s now the second-biggest series of cracks in California, second only to the Kardashian compound in Calabasas.

A Florida high school principal was reassigned after writing that he couldn’t say the Holocaust was a ‘factual, historical event’. His school will also stop using the history textbook he wrote: ‘World War II – A Good Time Had By All’.

Philadelphia historians reenacted the first public reading of the Declaration of Independence on July 8th, 1776. Tourists reenacted the audience that day – walking out to find something a lot less boring to do.

The World Cup Champion U.S. Women’s National Soccer team arrived back home in Newark, New Jersey. “Newark? I thought we won?” said players.

Over 6,000 people each year are treated for lacerations & puncture wounds from hard plastic ‘clamshell’ packaging. Customers are advised to open it with sharp scissors to create cuts on your hands that are more uniform and easily stitched.