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New Jersey State Park Police say an “inordinate amount” of human feces and urine-filled bottles was found throughout state parks, because public restrooms are closed. The police responded following several complaint calls from bears.

Police said if New Jersey residents really needed to urinate or defecate in public, they should follow tradition and use the Wildwood boardwalk.

The greatest increases in COVID-19 related deaths are projected in Republican-leaning states. GOP leaders brushed it off, saying they’re still okay with corpses mailing in votes.

Labatt Brewery is launching new hard seltzers. They come in a variety of fruit flavors, at the request of Labatt loyalists hoping to find something more cheerful to throw up at Buffalo Bills tailgate parties.

Poison frontman Bret Michaels released  ‘Auto-Scrap-Ography, Vol 1’ – an autobiography in the form of a visual scrapbook. Some photos of women pop up, unless they’re backstage or the tour bus, when they pop down.

Some fans on Reddit think the Marvel Cinematic Universe is adding too many characters. Others think 50 Marvel movies is just the right amount to see between Memorial Day and mid-August.

Former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort was moved from a Pennsylvania prison to home confinement to avoid contracting coronavirus. In a statement, the coronavirus said it wasn’t interested in Manafort since he looks dead already.

After 17 years living underground, cicadas will emerge in North Caroliina, Virginia and West Virginia starting this month. “Where the f**k is everybody?” ask cicadas.

Guests visiting reopening Six Flags theme parks will need to pay in advance and choose a time to enter before they’re allowed to wait 2 hours to ride a roller coaster.

A six-year-old in Kentucky decided to cheer up his neighborhood by giving away free ice cream from the back of a pickup truck. He gave away lots of ice cream but had to stop after running over other children chasing the truck.

 

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Shanghai Disneyland reopened, challenging even the most expert Chinese photographers to frame selfies with Mickey Mouse while he stands six feet away.

Uber informed 3,500 customer support employees via Zoom calls that they were being terminated, saying there aren’t enough riders being sexually harassed by drivers to keep them busy.

Europe’s only seeing-eye guide pony had to retire from service after eating maple leaves, which are toxic to them. He survived, but he’s still a little hoarse. [Story h/t to J.H.!]

White Claw is introducing reduced-calorie White Claw 70, for weight-conscious pussies.

Boeing’s CEO appeared on the Today Show and said he thinks the COVID-19 pandemic will cause one major airline to shut down. He wouldn’t say which one, but said pretty much everybody hopes it’s Spirit.

Facebook and Instagram are celebrating the Class of 2020 during the Week of May 11th. Graduates can find special features on Instagram, and can avoid their parents & grandparents by not going on Facebook.

LinkedIn added user polls and video events, giving self-promoting suck-ups two more things for you to roll your eyes at when you visit the site.

An 11-year-old Brazilian boy became the first to ever land a 1080-degree flip off a standard ramp on a skateboard. Since he’s been blowing off homeschool math to practice, he figures that’s about six full rotations.

A 17-ton piece of a failed Chinese rocket that launched May 5 crashed back down to Earth, landing in the Atlantic Ocean west of Africa, sending a Chinese 7th grader back to the drawing board for next year’s Science Fair.

A new phishing scam involves fake Zoom & videoconference portals to steal personal information. Users should be on the lookout for services that look like Zoom, but where the host asks participants to introduce themselves with their social security number.

 

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Tinder is testing live in-app trivia. Games include ‘Am I Married?’; ‘What Strains of Herpes Do I Have?’; & ‘What’s In My Underwear?’

Seattle is closing 20 miles of city streets to most vehicular traffic so residents can exercise and bike on them. They’ll also retrain dozens of cops to spot and arrest Big Wheel DUIs.

Lyft is requiring riders and drivers to wear masks and to state that, to the best of their knowledge, they don’t have COVID-19 symptoms. Only then can they proceed to creep each other out.

Google is unifying all of its messaging & communications apps into a single team, to be known as The Google-Alphabet/Google Chat/Gmail/Google Duo/Google Meet/Google Hangouts/Google Messages…team.

NBA Commissioner Adam Silver held a conference call with players, explaining that he didn’t know when or if fans could return to games and – more importantly – when groupies & hos would return.

The average number of passengers on a commercial U.S. airline flight during the pandemic is 23. The average number of lost bags is 20.

Diplo’s 30-year-old girlfriend Jevon King gave birth to their child. And baby makes Triplo.

Nutritional yeast, also known as ‘nooch’, is growing in popularity as a snack seasoning. It’s also what your girlfriend means when she says she has a nooch infection.

A London man whose Mount Everest climb was postponed due to the pandemic simulated it by walking up and down a flight of stairs 6,506 times in 24 hours & 30 minutes. To make it more realistic, he turned the temperature down and littered the stairs with dead bodies.

Paul L. Vazquez, the viral sensation “Double Rainbow Guy”, passed away at age 57, and will now be somewhere over them.

 

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One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.

 

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CBS cancelled Matt LeBlanc sitcom ‘Man With A Plan’. Remaining episodes will be aired as ‘Man Needs A Plan’.

Tesla may bring Zoom videoconferencing to their electric cars, giving birth to the phrase: “could the guy who just wrapped his car around a tree please mute?”

Donald Trump’s decision to paint the border wall black could cost an additional $500 million. It could also encourage more Mexicans to try and go around the wall because black is so slimming.

The Treasury Department says coronavirus stimulus checks mailed to dead people should be returned to the IRS. But first, the checks should be removed from their hands.

Adele showed off her recent weight loss in a photo thanking frontline workers during the pandemic. In turn, frontline workers say they have an even greater appreciation for Adele, since they don’t just want to hear her sing – they also want to have sex with her.

Astronomers say they’ve found the black hole closest to Earth, that consumes and destroys anything near it – it’s the satellite that delivers Pornhub.

Tinder’s next major update will be a feature to enable video dating. Then the next major update will be a panic button for when women inevitably see a guy’s dick.

Twitter is testing a streamlined interface for users to interact with ‘threaded’ conversations – they’re calling it A Bigger Mute Button.

National Nurses Day was recognized with drive-by tributes from citizens thanking nurses with signs and horn-honking. Although others complained of delays because they just wanted to get to the ER and push their sick grandparents out of the car.

Researchers are testing a new stick-on patch that monitors coronavirus symptoms and progress. Although patients are warned to be on the lookout for fake devices with ‘Kick Me’ on them.

 

 

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Costco will ration meat purchases – each shopper is limited to two 50-packs of steaks.

An estimated 1 in 5 Wendy’s restaurants have taken burgers off the menu, leading to more customers asking Where’s The Beef? than in 1984.

  • The shortage is so bad, The Baconator said “I have no son.”

A shopper wore a Ku Klux Klan hood to a grocery store. He figured since it was Whole Foods it was probably okay.

Elon Musk wondered if a Mario Kart-type game could be launched on Tesla video screens so people could play while behind the wheel. The National Highway Traffic Safety Association condemned it, saying it would lead to countless banana-peel related deaths.

People are wondering how to pronounce the name – ‘X AE A-12’  – of Musk’s new baby with singer Grimes. So for now they’re just saying L’il Douche.

Kylie Jenner bought a vacant lot in Hidden Hills, California for $15 million. It’s the second-most valuable vacant lot in the state, next to the one in her skull.

A 5-year-old Utah boy driving an SUV was pulled over, and told cops he was headed to California to buy a Lamborghini. The boy’s name was withheld, but said his occuupation was “aspiring rapper”.

J. Crew declared bankruptcy, then declared “it’s Madras shorts season!”

A new study in journal Nature Communications claims there’s evidence of ancient rivers on Mars. The evidence is topless Martians in inner tubes drinking Miller Lite.

The Scripps Research Institute and Stanford Medicine are analyzing Fitbit data to predict coronavirus outbreaks. They say early stage illness is predicted by elevated heart rates, and later-stage illness is predicted by no heart rate.

 

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Disney will donate $1 million from the sale of character-themed facemasks during the pandemic, and will keep the other $100 million.

North American bee populations are threatened by Asian Giant ‘Murder’ Hornets that invade hives and decapitate bees – not to be confused with hornets that decapitate bees by accident, known as Manslaughter Hornets.

United, JetBlue & Delta will require all passengers to wear masks, but will remove people who try prying theirs out of the compartment over their seat.

Former LPGA golfer Paige Spiranac says her 34DD breasts are real, and that they help her golf game by keeping her arms in touch with her body during her swing. Male golfers seeking to improve their game are inquiring about implants.

‘Clueless’ actress Stacey Dash, who recently announced she’ll divorce her fourth husband, is selling videos for $50 on Cameo. For $60, you can get engaged to her.

Mark Cuban said if he had to start a ‘side hustle’ to make extra money, he’d code commands for digital assistants like Alexa, Siri & Google. Then he remembered he has several billion reasons not to.

Experts say the checkout area is the most dangerous place in grocery stores during the coronavirus pandemic – ending the 70-year reign at the top for the public restrooms.

Tiger Woods said running over 30 miles a week when he was younger “pretty much destroyed” his body. Porn stars and bar hostesses say their younger bodies were pretty much destroyed by Tiger Woods.

Pennsylvania is no longer the top-producing state for craft beer, ceding the honor to California. However, thanks to Coors Light, Colorado remains the top-producing state for crap beer.

A mom shares video where she tells her kids she’s buying them drinks at a Starbucks drive-thru, but orders them water and mixes it with Kool-Aid. It worked once, but the kids knew they were being tricked when their names weren’t misspelled on the cup.

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Serena Williams & other pros will play Mario Tennis Aces on Nintendo Switch for charity. Williams promises this will be better than last time, when her Princess Peach was called for foot faults and threatened to ram the ball down Line Judge Luigi’s throat.

The NCAA will allow college athletes to make money from endorsements. Ten minutes after the ruling, every Division I basketball player had an endorsement deal with a marijuana dispensary or CBD oil company. 

A New Jersey woman who filed for unemployment benefits was sent a debit card in the mail with a zero balance. On the bright side, her VIP cardholder status entitles her to free Valet Parking at Dollar Tree. 

Meat packing workers ordered to return to their jobs are telling their employers they don’t feel safe. “Yeah, sure” say pigs, cows & chickens. 

Coronavirus experts believe Remdesivir – a drug developed to treat ebola – may be effective treating COVID-19. They’ve already started filming an ad with the Truvada for Prep guy with recovered victims dancing. 

Dogs are being trained to sniff for coronavirus. They’re asking if they can sniff people’s breath for a change. 

Madonna said she’s tested positive for coronavirus antibodies, and is planning to “breathe in the COVID-19 air” – presumably from the mouth of a guy 30 years younger than she is. 

Juul announced it’s vaporizing 40% of employees. 

Chick-fil-A is launching its first meal kit – the instructions are, you grab a hatchet, then open it in a small room so it’s easier to catch. 

A Walmart in Worcester, Massachusetts closed temporarily after 23 employees tested positive for coronavirus. Most of them are now greeters at the Intensive Care Unit. 

 

 

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Donald Trump said he’s planning a trip to Arizona, possibly to tour a facility that makes personal protective equipment – guns.

California plans to close all state beaches and parks, so Instagram is beefing up bandwidth to host live events for guys who can only do bench presses while other people watch.

Britney Spears said a fire destroyed her home gym. Her trainer told her she needed to feel her muscles burning.

The Cincinnati Bengals are releasing QB Andy Dalton – meaning one less tiger in captivity.

Sales of bargain beer Busch Light have increased 44% during the pandemic. They’re considering changing the slogan from ‘Head for the Mountains’ to ‘Head for the Unemployment Website’.

Makers of the Teracube budget smartphone say they want to create a ‘sustainable’ smartphone, and guarantee it will last for 4 years. It costs $269 and you leave it in a drawer.

Police in New York City found dozens of bodies in unrefrigerated U-Haul trucks outside a funeral home. In other news, city residents moving in May can get a great deal on a U-Haul truck.

An Illinois stripper who drove to New York City “because I felt like I was the coronavirus” was arrested for carrying 18 knives in her car. She was taken to a hospital, strip searched, and made $15 in ones.

Costco will require shoppers to wear masks. Those without a mask can buy a box of 500 of them.

NFL QB Jameis Winston – released by the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and signed by the New Orleans Saints – said he had LASIK eye surgery. He claims he can now read street signs, and see which defensive backs he’s throwing interceptions to.