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The NHL’s Calgary Flames suspended head coach Bill Peters as the league investigates a former player’s claim that he used a vulgar racial slur. No one is buying Peters’ claim that he was saying “Canuck’er”.

The family of a 3-year-old Las Vegas girl was charged $2,659 to remove a plastic Polly Pocket doll shoe she shoved up her nose. They removed one themselves, but went to the emergency room because they couldn’t wait for the other shoe to drop.

The “Anonymous” Trump administration official and author of ‘A Warning’ said on Reddit that they’ll reveal their identity before the 2020 election. But, for now, they want to be known as “Anonymous” or their other alias, “Mac Pants”.

Actor Godfrey Gao died of a heart attack while filming an episode of Chinese television reality competition ‘Chase Me’.  Spoiler: they caught him.

According to Cancer Research, U.K., a simple finger test can identify the potential presence of lung cancer. You look at your fingers and see if there’s a lit cigarette in them.

A Chinese man suffered seizures while self-cooking pork and mutton at a ‘hot pot’ restaurant. It was later determined he had tapeworms on his brain from repeatedly eating undercooked meat. The man left a negative Yelp! review for the restaurant, but the worms left a favorable one for his brain.

Melania Trump was booed during an appearance to speak about opioids at a student assembly in Baltimore as part of her Be Best campaign. She later issued a statement to the press, stating “Barron you’re grounded.”

Disney is being blasted for the lack of originality in their new ‘Baby Yoda’ merchandise tied to Disney+ series ‘The Mandalorian’. Disney said they’ll get better, starting with the release of a video showing how Baby Yoda changes his own diaper with The Force.

Katie Holmes is being praised for sharing apparently unedited Instagram photos of her bare stomach, including some visible stretch marks. She has the stretch marks from her pregnancy, and from twisting her torso to avoid kissing Tom Cruise.

Food blog Eater posted seven tips for people planning to break up with someone in a restaurant. They include sitting at the bar, paying with cash, and abandoning the idea to ghost them like everyone else does these days.

 

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Rebecca Rivers, an employee activist at Google who participated in protests against the company’s policies and partnerships, said she has been terminated. Her search job has now become a job search.

Bill Cosby said in a new interview he expects to serve his full 10=year sentence instead of saying he’s sorry. His prison’s warden said that’s okay, Cosby can say he’s sorry and still serve 10 years.

Burglars in Dresden, Germany broke into one of Europe’s oldest museums, stealing  priceless ancient jewels historians say have immeasurable material and cultural value.  “Tell me about it” said the manager of a Pandora store burglarized over the weekend.

President Trump hosted Conan, the dog that assisted in a successful raid on ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. Trump said he asked the dog’s handlers what chance a “tough, strong fighter” would have against the dog. They replied “none…same as you.”

Detroit Lions fans are considering boycotting the team’s annual Thanksgiving Day home game to protest the team’s terrible performance. Others plan to go, since they say watching locals get beat up is part of life in Detroit.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders told the New York Times she doesn’t like being called a liar. Tuesday she told Fox News that President Trump reads more than anyone she knows. Finally, she told a third interviewer that she, her husband and children are all illiterate.

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade may not include iconic character balloons due to forecast high winds — confirming the opinion from people of all ages who think the parade blows.

Airbus plans to test the fuel-saving effects of jumbo jets “tailgating” – one jet flying closely behind another – on trans-Atlantic fights. So far they’re still training the pilot in front not to slam on the brakes in midair, and the pilot in back not to start a fistfight in the terminal after they’ve landed.

A man in China treated his ear infection by stuffing a clove of garlic in it and leaving it there for two months. It fermented and had to be surgically removed, since it was also blocking removal of the chopped onions.

An 88-year-old Ohio man used a 3-foot nutcracker outdoor Christmas ornament to hit a pit bull that attacked a small girl. The girl suffered minor injuries, and the pit bull complained that the holiday decorations were out too soon.

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A man in China spent $1.4 million on a character in an online video game. It’s believed to be the most money anyone’s ever spent on a plumber.

Nintendo opened its first retail store in Tokyo on Friday.  The wait to get in was up to four hours long – or, much less if you jumped into a pipe near the store.

The New York Post published photos of Jeffrey Epstein on his private Caribbean hideaway, dubbed “Pedophile Island” by locals. In an unrelated photo, Eric Trump is pictured wearing a “My Dad Went To Pedophile Island And All I Got Was This Lousy T Shirt” shirt.

Elon Musk explained the glass broke during his Cybertruck demo because hitting door panels with a sledgehammer weakened the glass before it was hit with metal balls. Musk plans a follow-up event where Tiger Woods ex-wife Elin Nordegren will hit the Cybertruck with a 3-iron to restore consumer trust.

In separate incidents, pork; romaine lettuce and Cheese Nips have all been recalled. So for now you can’t order the House Salad at Golden Corral.

Website Business Insider gave a negative review to Burger King’s BBQ Bacon Triple Whopper, saying it wasn’t worth the $11 price. A Burger King spokesman said the review is unfair since the burger wasn’t ordered or eaten at 3a.m.

The FDA granted a Breakthrough Therapy designation for psilocybin – the key psychoactive ingredient in magic mushrooms – to treat severe depression. It’s the first-ever prescription drug bundled with bootleg recordings of Grateful Dead concerts.

Disney’s ‘Frozen 2’ brought in $127 million at the weekend box office, topping all other films. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ continued to bomb despite changing its name to Charlie’s Frozen Angels and renaming two angels Elsa and Anna.

150 pounds of Mexican bologna was seized by U.S. Customs agents in El Paso. Customs said the meat has the potential to introduce foreign animal diseases to the U.S. pork industry, and also the labels list the first ingredient as heroin.

A 63-year-old German man died from a rare infection he contracted after being licked by his dog. Later, at a nearby dog park, the infected dog walked up to several bitches and told them they should get tested.

 

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After 5 years, a cat missing from Phoenix was found 1,200 miles away in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The cat was still in remarkable shape, weighing 19 pounds, and meowed that he’s really into crystals and holistic healing now.

Senator Elizabeth Warren said a recently-revealed secret White House dinner between Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg & President Trump was “corruption”. Zuckerberg said he checked in, but Warren couldn’t see it because he unfollowed her.

Fred Cox, former Minnesota Vikings kicker and inventor of the original NERF football, died at age 80. Cox is mourned by Vikings fans, and millions of parents who cite the NERF football as the cheapest gift they could possibly give.

Sam Hunt, country singer known for such hits as ‘Drinkin’ Too Much’, was arrested for DUI in Nashville. Asked what he was doing with a blood-alcohol content of .173, Hunt replied “research”.

A university professor in Syracuse, New York released results of a yearlong study of ticks. One in three ticks studied were carrying at least one disease; the rest were carrying blood in a thermos for lunch. [story h/t to A.D.]

A 14-year-old boy faces hate crime charges for posting a photo of a black classmate on Craigslist in a listing titled “Slave for Sale”. The boy is assisting investigators after telling them he received over a dozen offers from Trump Resorts.

Former Penn State Assistant Coach and convicted child abuser Jerry Sandusky is scheduled to arrive at a Pennsylvania courthouse to be resentenced, and because he never turned in his playbook.

T-Mobile admitted some of its prepaid wireless customers’ data was accessed in a criminal hack, but that the criminals said there’s no point stealing the identity of people with such terrible credit scores.

While demonstrating the toughness of the new Tesla Cybertruck during a press event, Elon Musk inadvertently cracked two of the windows. He quickly covered them up with a gun rack and a confederate flag decal and kept going.

President Trump commented on Impeachment proceedings, saying “I want a trial”. But he’s expected to walk back his remarks once aides tell him Matlock is dead.

 

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‘Joker 2’ is reportedly in development. It picks up the story in the future when aspiring comedian Arthur Fleck goes on a murderous rampage after his Facebook friends reply ‘Interested’ & ‘Going’ to his comedy show but don’t attend.

President Trump addressed the media following Ambassador Gordon Sondland’s testimony during Impeachment Hearings, holding notes reading “I want nothing. I want nothing.”  The notes were from his stop at the vegan station in the White House Dining Hall.

Walmart is redesigning its fresh produce department in response to consumer complaints. And by “redesigning” they mean replacing it with Cheetos.

Category-leading hard seltzer brand White Claw projects $1.5 billion in sales this year. Budget brand Natural Light Hard Seltzer projects to spend about $1.5 billion settling liver-failure lawsuits.

Three black women watching ‘Harriet’ at an AMC Theater in New Orleans say they were racially profiled by managers who stopped the film and falsely accused them of having fake tickets. The women said they never received an apology, and that it was the worst Madea movie yet.

A sprawling storm in the central United States next Tuesday & Wednesday could cause massive disruption to Thanksgiving travel plans. People unable to join their families for Thanksgiving are wondering how to send a ‘thank you’ note to a storm.

Shania Twain accused country music radio of being ageist for not playing her songs or songs from peers like Reba McIntyre or Patty Loveless. She plans to release a new single ‘Cryin’ In My Tesla Drinking White Claw’.

Personal organization expert Marie Kondo opened an online shop, selling items that “spark joy for Marie”. Then Kondo looks at her sales revenue, and sparks even more joy.

Coldplay frontman Chris Martin said the group is putting touring on hold as they figure out how to make their tours more environmentally friendly – aside from the obvious solution, not doing any.

Rob Gronkowski joined the Los Angeles ‘Laker Girls’ during a chroreographed dance routine during a break in their NBA game. Several Laker Girls entered the Dancer Concussion Protocol after congratulatory head-butts from Gronk.

 

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A 16-year-old boy tried to smuggle methamphetamine across the U.S./Mexico border in a remote controlled car. He was arrested, and the Cancun Barbie at the wheel of the car was admitted to Dream House Rehab.

The operator of a self-driving Uber that struck and killed an Arizona pedestrian was the primary cause of the accident because she was watching ‘The Voice’ on her phone. Prosecutors say if she turned her chair around, she’d have seen the dashcam.

‘Harriet’ the cinematic biopic depicting Harriet Tubman, was originally developed 25 years ago, and a studio executive wanted Julia Roberts to play Tubman in the movie. Roberts declined because she thought one day she might run for Congress.

Grammy nominations were released; Taylor Swift’s ‘Lover’ only received three. Journalists seeking to reach her for comment were directed to her bedroom, since she doesn’t get out of bed for less than ten.

Representative Devin Nunes compared Trump’s dealings with Ukraine to George Washington’s communications with Great Britain, adding that present-day Democrats would want to impeach Washington in 1794. Democrats agreed that Washington and Trump are similar, but in that they have terrible hair.

Parts of California ravaged by wildfires are under a flash flood warning as heavy rain moved in. Although the flash floods were mainly isolated to the basements of houses that caught fire.

Google Earth introduced “creation tools” that allow users to create narrative projects featuring locations around the globe. It’s a great way to make a travelogue video of places you’ve never really visited to show to that girl or guy you want to sleep with.

A Texas mom is angry because an employee at her son’s daycare wrote that he needs to go on a diet. The employee said she wasn’t fat-shaming, just aware that it’s November and they’ve already blown through the annual budget for Lunchables.

A Russian bodybuilder dubbed “Popeye” nearly died after several liters of petroleum jelly were injected into each of his biceps. Doctors removed it along with dead tissue, then sent him to recovery, where a different bodybuilder dubbed “Bluto” beat the living s**t out of him.

Melania Trump invited Billy Ray Cyrus to a meeting at the White House with a family whose child died by suicide after cyberbullying. The First Lady said fighting online bullying is a part of her Be Best initiative, as is “getting photo selfie picture with achy breaky man”.

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.

 

 

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Colin Kaepernick held his own workout for NFL teams after the league-sponsored workout fell through. Kaepernick objected to a liability waiver requested by the NFL, and that his audition include a song & dance number to Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Golfer Russell Henley was penalized 8 strokes by the PGA Tour for violating the ‘one ball rule’ – using two different varieties of ball in the same round. Tour officials said he should have known he played four holes with a lacrosse ball.

Doyle’s Cafe, one of Boston’s longest-operating Irish bars, closed after 137 years. A young boy played bagpipes as patrons gathered together to listen and have one last drunken fistfight.

Former FDA Commissioner Scott Gottlieb said popular cannabis derivative CBD is unsafe and that its benefits are unproven. He made these remarks during his keynote address at OxyContinFest.

Two yachts worth $20 million were destroyed by fire in Fort Lauderdale. Florida firefighters fought the blaze with sandbags to sink them.

Safety experts warn that hackers use public USB phone-recharging stations to install identity-stealing malware, in a process called “juice-jacking”. They say this isn’t to be confused with the other juice-jacking, where grade school bullies beat up kids for their Capri Sun.

Bud Light is launching its own line of of fruit-flavored hard seltzer. It’s just regular Bud Light with different Starbursts smooshed into the can.

Victoria’s Secret model Devon Windsor got married over the weekend. She walked down the aisle twenty times in the same wedding dress, but with different sets of underwear.

Kylie Jenner modeled a pair of trendy $840 high-heeled “thong sandals”, then complained that the shoes were making her crotch hurt.

Two chemistry professors at Henderson State University in Arkadelphia, Arkansas face charges of producing methamphetamine. They’re expected to mount an aggressive defense, that meth-cooking is the only chemistry anyone in Arkansas wants to learn.

 

 

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Researchers are looking for 10,000 dogs in order to test a pill that may slow the aging process in canines. They need 10,000 in order to get 10 dogs that don’t spit out the pill.

A Mommy Blogger is advocating parents adopt “The 4 Gift Rule” for Christmas presents. A Child Blogger is suggesting parents follow “The Don’t Listen To Her Rule”.  [ story h/t to A.D. ]

The FDA issued a warning to Dollar Tree for continuing to sell “unsafe drugs”. The specific drugs weren’t named publicly, but it’s believed they’re referring to top seller DollarContin.

An El Paso Walmart location that was the site of a mass shooting in August reopened this week. Walmart executives thought it was important to the community that the store open in time for residents to clobber each other on Black Friday.

After White House Advisor Stephen Miller was accused of promoting white supremacist literature, Democrats are calling for his resignation. “Yeah but if I quit, like. FIFTY other white racists will have to quit working here too” argued Miller.

Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions contestants are asking viewers to play along at home and donate $1 for each correct response to pancreatic cancer research in honor of Alex Trebek. They also ask that you don’t deduct $1 for wrong answers, you cheap idiots.

An Iowa City Methodist pastor accused of being a “practicing homosexual” is taking a leave of absence amidst complaints. The complaints are from parishioners who can’t believe the church floral arrangements are so terrible.

The Centers for Disease Control say smoking reached its lowest level ever in 2018. Most likely smokers are between ages 25 and 44, gay or bisexual, and members of certain minority groups. CNN anchor Don Lemon was introduced as the new Marlboro Man.

Airbnb CEO Brian Chesky said one customer demanded a full refund because the property they rented was haunted by a ghost. Chesky would not identify the customer, referring to him only as “Shaggy”.

Nine-year-old Laurent Simons will receive a bachelor’s degree in electrical engineering from Eindhoven University of Technology in Belgium. He plans on a career in medicine – a decision he made after becoming ill chugging juice boxes at his fraternity hazing.

A U.K. inventor flew over 85 mph in a backpack-mounted jet engine suit, breaking the world record. He was asked how he felt after the flight, but waited to answer until his ass stopped burning.

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Nike will no longer sell to Amazon. However, as part of its partnership with the WNBA, Nike will continue to provide footwear to Amazons.

The Centers for Disease Control say that anitbiotic-resistant “superbugs” killed 35,000 people last year. Among the worst are fungus Candida auris, and Herbie.

Pink announced she’s taking a break from music in 2020. Cardi B. announced she’s also taking a break from music, but will continue to produce and sell whatever you call her stuff.

Narwhal, a puppy with an extra tail growing out of his forehead, was surrendered to an animal rescue in Missouri. The puppy is otherwise perfectly normal, but gets frustrated by other puppies coming up and sniffing his mouth.

Motorola introduced its new folding 2019 Razr smartphone – it’s expected to be a hit with executive douchebags who perfected the 2005 angry snap-close cell phone hangup.

Google confirmed two rumors that it’s collecting Americans’ health data, and also issuing checking accounts. They say there’s no better time to collect overdraft fees for medical treatments people can’t afford.

Walmart released its Black Friday ad two weeks in advance, and somehow a dozen people were trampled to death going to Walmart’s website.

Caviar, a Russian luxury gadgets company, is selling a set of Apple AirPods Pro headphones covered in 18-karat gold for $67,000.  They make the perfect gift for the stylish rat who will wear them after they fall into the sewer.

Social network Peanut raised $5 million in venture funding. It’s a network for moms and women trying to conceive – not to be confused with Tinder, for women trying not to conceive.

A Michigan man taking wildlife photos captured a picture of a rare three-antlered deer. He found the deer drinking out of a public fountain in Flint.