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Police in the Philadelphia suburbs found a handgun in a substitute teacher’s car. He said he needs it to keep students from talking during the health class movie.

Quincy College’s commencement speaker, tech CEO Rob Hale, told 400 graduates that each would receive $1,000 – $500 to keep, and $500 to donate. The Quincy College post-commencement rager received $200,000 in donations toward drugs and alcohol.

A man donating fecal bacteria to his wife was informed he had “perfect poop” and could make $15,000/year selling it. Then he celebrated the good news with dinner at Taco Bell and lost $15,000/year in potential income.

Drake’s 3-year-old son burst into tears when they went on stage at the Billboard Music Awards to accept Artist Of The Decade honors – since even the toddler thought it should be Taylor Swift or Beyonce.

Justin Bieber debuted a new buzz cut, losing his controversial white-guy dreadlocks. No word on whether he donated the hair, although he was rumored to get an offer for it from the frontman of a Counting Crows tribute band.

Kevin Spacey will portray a police detective in a new film from Italian director Franco Nero, Apacey’s first role since sexual assault allegations emerged in 2017. Spacey is excited to play a police detective instead of playing a private dick.

80 Florida high school students had their yearbook photos modified without their knowledge to cover up exposed shoulders and cleavage. The students are outraged, saying they need the original photos to get interviews at Hooters.

Samoa was thrown into a constitutional crisis after a woman, Fiame Naomi Mata’afa, was elected Prime Minister, but the incumbent had her locked out of Parliament, saying he needed Samoa time to investigate the election.

25 U.S. states have fully-vaccinated 50% of residents against COVID-19. The rest are either opposed to the vaccine, or waiting for COVID vaccine lottery jackpots to get bigger.

Damiano David, frontman for glam-rockers Maneskin, agreed to take a drug test after his band won the Eurovision 2021 international song competition. Eurovision judges said the last thing they need is to have rock bands associated with illegal drug use.

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Actress Leah Remini, 50, shared her acceptance letter into a general studies program at NYU. Her ‘King Of Queens’ costar, Kevin James, shared the letter adding him to the waitlist at Strayer University.

Amazon is shutting down its Prime Now service, and moving its “ultrafast” premium deliveries to its regular Prime. So go ahead and order those necessities that you absolutely have to have in about five days.

Kylie Jenner and baby-daddy Travis Scott announced they’re back together as a couple, but in an ‘open relationship’ – also known as Parents With Benefits.

Kim Kardashian revealed on ‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ that her daughter, Saint, had COVID-19, which surprised Kim because Saint wears an avocado mask most mornings.

Oprah Winfrey and Prince Harry debuted their new Apple+ show, ‘The Me You Can’t See’ – where celebrities discuss mental health challenges and traumas that can only be properly addressed by a guy born into royal wealth and a billionaire.

The driver of a Japanese bullet train is in trouble for taking a three minute bathroom break while the train traveled at 90 mph with 160 passengers on board. He said he only did so after trying to piss out a window, but it kept blowing back onto him.

A new Utah law mandates autism awareness training for police officers. Cops are now required to identify non-violent suspects as autistic before shooting and pummeling them.

Investigators added a new name to the subpoena in the probe of Congressman Matt Gaetz. However, for privacy purposes, the person is only identified as ‘Knockers’.

A future bride’s demands to her bridesmaids – including dropping dress sizes to at least a size 8, and donating $500 for the honeymoon – went viral. The groomsmen only demanded that the bridesmaids drop their dresses after the reception.

A judge in Spain refused to marry a couple when the groom arrived for the ceremony wearing a Jack Sparrow costume. And because he was drunk. And Johnny Depp.

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The FAA is considering weighing passengers before flights for safety, and to encourage frequent-flying dogs to get fit.

Lego unveiled their first LGBTQ set in advance of Pride Month. You can now choose bricks with bumps and no holes, or holes and no bumps.

Google Photos introduced “locked”, password-protected photo folders. It’s an extra layer of security for creeps who’d rather send a password to their vast portfolio of dick pics instead of just one.

A man was arrested for participating in the January 6th Capitol riots after bragging about it and showing a video of the mob while at the dentist’s office. The man wrongly assumed his secret was safe at Proud Boys Dentistry.

Kendall Jenner is being criticized for ads showing her with the agave farmers who help make her new 818 Tequila. It’s not that she’s exploiting their culture, it’s that she keeps asking if they’re the same guys who mow her lawn.

Demi Lovato announced they’re non-binary. Lovato felt compelled to make an announcement since the salad bowl haircut leaned more toward regular gay.

Philadelphia high-rise buildings are dimming skyline lights after thousands of birds died crashing into them. The light reduction is expected to work better than the last idea, Philly residents yelling “Go Birds!” to get them to fly higher.

Australian gold medal snowboarder Torah Bright posted a viral photo of her son breastfeeding while she did a topless handstand. She claims she wasn’t showing off, just using gravity since she couldn’t find her breast pump.

Larry Flynt Hustler Club in Las Vegas is giving free limo rides, private dances and bottle service to residents getting a COVID vaccine there. So enjoy a lap dance from a topless 60-year old nurse while you get your shot and drink free Mountain Dew.

Microsoft will discontinue Internet Explorer next year, just as Bill Gates explores the Internet as a single man for the first time in decades.

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A huge forest fire continues to burn across parts of New Jersey. State officials are hoping to make it go away by billing it for insurance and property taxes.

NASA’s solar orbiters captured video of the sun releasing a huge plasma ejection. Then the sun cleared its browser history and smoked a cigarette.

Andrew Giuliani, son of Rudy, announced he’s running for Governor of New York at a press event at Empire State Total Landscaping.

Government doctors advise colorectal screenings should start at age 45, because patients are nicer to look at than they are at 50 or 60.

China landed its first-ever rover on Mars. It’ll begin sending data back to China’s space agency in about two weeks, after it completes registration at the Mars Department of Motor Vehicles.

A Long Branch, New Jersey police officer was arrested for operating a meth lab in his house. Asked why he did it, he said he wanted to win the blue ribbon in the New Jersey State Fair cook-off.

A new report claims McDonald’s franchises are bypassing food safety protocols to keep ice cream machines working. McDonald’s disputes the report, saying they don’t have food safety protocols.

A father in Maine was arrested after his two-year-old son shot him & his wife with a Glock 9mm handgun. The man surrendered to police at the hospital, but only after complying with the shooter’s demands to turn on Paw Patrol.

For the first time in its history, NBC won’t have a sitcom on their fall tv schedule. This, after the pilot for ‘Untitled Chris D’Elia/Tony Hinchcliffe Project’ tested poorly. [story h/t to D.J.]

A six-foot alligator chased terrified pedestrians in a Wendy’s parking lot in Lehigh Acres, Florida. They were less scared, however, when they were later chased by Son of Alligator.

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Bruce Willis and John Travolta are in Hawaii filming bounty-hunter action pic ‘Paradise City’ – the first time they’ve starred in the same movie since ‘Pulp Fiction’, and the first time Netflix has said “no thanks” to a movie idea.

An unruly Delta Air Lines passenger was fined $52,500 for trying to enter the cockpit, punching a flight attendant, and refusing to comply with crew members instructions – specifically, the instruction to stop punching them.

COVID vaccine trials are underway for children ages 5 & under. It’s that shrieking noise you’re hearing.

Florida raised the legal age for smoking & vaping to 21, angering thousands of 20-year-old Florida high school students.

Trainer Bob Baffert is suspended from entering his racehorses in New York State after numerous doping allegations. In other news, Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit entered rehab.

Comedian John Mulaney, who announced he’s getting divorced, is rumored to be dating actress Olivia Munn. Mulaney isn’t losing a wife, he’s gaining 2 or 3 cup sizes.

Some ‘foodies’ are planning to eat BroodX cicadas once they emerge this month. “Come on, man, we haven’t had a vacation in 17 years” say cicadas.

Donald Trump collected $65,000 in pension payments from the federal government since leaving office in January. Which is a lot of money for new golf clubs.

Jaden Smith is partnering with New Balance on the $150 Vision Racer X sneaker. It’s the perfect shoe for 60-year-olds who are inspired by 22-year-olds that aren’t at all athletic.

Joe Rogan said on his podcast that woke/cancel culture will “be the end of straight, white men”. His predominantly straight, white audience agrees, but feels they’ve had a pretty good 500-or-so-year run.

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Motley Crue is commemorating their 40th Anniversary as a band with a remastered edition of 1987’s ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’. But since the record is 34 years old, they’re calling it ‘MILFs, MILFs, MILFs’.

Target will no longer sell Pokemon and sports trading cards in-store after a rash of fistfights over the cards. Wimpy kids can still buy cards in other stores, and hiring Pokemon trainers to help them win the fights.

Bill Gates told friends at his golf club that he was in a “loveless” marriage. Luckily, he also loves money.

The CDC’s new guidance says that fully-vaccinated Americans can now safely go without a face mask indoors in most places. A heart surgeon removed his mask and his bubble gum fell into the chest of a patient on the operating table.

Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic say coffee helps protect the liver. They recommend Irish coffee so the alcohol and coffee can keep the liver busy.

The CEO of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame defended the Hall against criticism that only two true “metal” bands – Metallica and Black Sabbath – are inducted. He said more metal bands will be inducted in the future, but still isn’t holding out much hope for Faster Pussycat.

Writings from John F. Kennedy to a Swedish mistress sold for $88,000. Written in 1955 & 1956, the collection contains one full handwritten letter, and two notes asking “U up?”

A health care system in Ireland shut down after becoming the latest victim of a ransomware attack. Or, as it’s known in Ireland, McRansomware.

A cat jumped from the fifth floor of a burning building in Chicago and landed on the ground, unharmed. The cat decided to jump because of the fire, and because there wasn’t anything to eat.

Big-cat advocate & ‘Tiger King’ subject Carole Baskin is offering a $5,000 reward for the return of a tiger missing in the Houston area. Local deer have pitched in to increase the reward to $10,000.

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Domestic homicide is up 138% this year in Philadelphia. Philly – where families that stay together, slay together.

Apple fired Antonio Garcia, author of ‘Chaos Monkeys‘, after 2,000 employees signed a petition protesting the sexist & racist views expressed in his book. He expressed disappointment, saying he’d just finished a follow-up, ‘Empowerment Monkeys‘.

Ohio announced a million-dollar-a-week lottery prize to encourage residents to get a COVID vaccine. The winners are unknown, but so far 200 losers have died of overdoses.

Amazon Studios is spending $465 million dollars for a single-season of its ‘Lord of the Rings’ tv series. Studio chief Jennifer Salke defended the spending, saying the dragons wouldn’t work for less than $2 million per show.

Grimes said she suffered a panic attack several days after appearing on Saturday Night Live, when she forgot how to spell X Æ A-12 at the pediatrician’s office.

Actress Gal Gadot posted a Tweet calling for peace between Israel and Palestine, but disabled comments after hundreds of angry replies, including “Shut up, Diana” – posted by arch-nemesis Cheetah.

Chick-fil-A is facing a sauce shortage. It’s so bad, customers are encouraging employees to spit in it to stretch what they have.

American Airlines is returning meal service to domestic first-class flights over 1,500 miles. Spirit Airlines is returning its meal service, a single 6-foot party sub that gets passed around the cabin, with every passenger taking a bite if they want to.

University of South Carolina’s president resigned after plagiarizing his commencement speech, and congratulating graduates of the “University of California”. He then invited graduates to collect their diplomas, bong hits and jello shots.

NBC announced ‘This Is Us’ will end after season 6, leading husbands and boyfriends everywhere to delightedly shout ‘This Is Over’.

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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.

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Mattel introduced the Mattel PlayBack program, where you return older Mattel toys so they can be used to make new ones. Mattel is also hiring preteen boys with younger sisters to show them the best ways to melt down recycled Barbies.

Ben Affleck is reportedly dating Jennifer Lopez, proving that Ben Affleck does not disciminate based on age, race or ethnicity.

Helmut Jahn, famed architect of Philadelphia’s One Liberty Place, died in a bicycle crash. His family vows they’ll continue to ride, without Helmut. [Story h/t to T.M.!]

Caitlyn Jenner said she didn’t vote in the 2020 election, saying it usually takes her about 60 years to pick a side.

To protest the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s lack of diversity and alleged ethics violations, Tom Cruise returned both of his Golden Globes awards – but only after he had enslaved members of the Sea Org polish them up first.

Jeff Bezos bought a 417-foot superyacht, so big it has its own ‘support yacht’ with a helipad. The best part is he can write off the $500 million cost, since he’ll use it to make Amazon Prime deliveries to sailors on aircraft carriers.

Comedian John Mulaney is divorcing his wife of 6 years after completing his stint in rehab. Mulaney returned to stand-up last night. The VIP post-show meet-and-greet cost $49, or free for women holding coke.

American Airlines angered flight attendants with a memo telling them to skip meals to arrive at their gate earlier, to improve American’s terrible on-time metrics. Similarly, Spirit Airlines told flight attendants to save time by skipping showers and only washing their uniform overalls once a month.

McDonald’s is partnering with the White House to promote COVID-19 vaccine information on its coffee cups. The White House believes it will work, because McDonald’s cups have successfully convinced people to get coffee somewhere else.

Doctors in India are telling people to stop rubbing themselves with cow dung & urine to prevent COVID-19. They say there is no evidence that it works, although they admit it is helping with social distancing.

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Applebee’s reduced its menu by 60% during the pandemic, but plans to keep it that way from now on. Applebee’s calls their new menu the Cliff Notes for the 410-page Cheesecake Factory menu.

Subway franchisees claim the chain’s new Fresh Melt melted-cheese sandwiches are too dangerous to make – that employees risk burns, and toasters are ruined. They’re less concerned about customers, saying if they eat at Subway, they already know the risks.

The NCAA is considering a plan allowing student athletes to make money off their name & likeness. Hearing this, a Division III field hockey player bought a Ferrari.

A ransomware attack shut down Colonial Pipeline, which supplies almost half the fuel to the East coast. The cyberattackers gave Colonial the choice of paying the ransom in Bitcoin, or convenience store gift cards.

A bride in India walked out on an arranged wedding when her husband-to-be could not recite the multiplication table of two correctly. The math challenge results came as a shock because he aced the spelling challenge preceding it.

Florida is experiencing a massive surge in COVID variants. Three nurses died attempting to vaccinate alligators.

Amanda Fletcher, a New York city private high school Spanish teacher, was recorded sucking a man’s nipple during a Zoom class – an incident described by her C students as hot, and by her A students as ‘muy caliente’.

Kentucky Derby winning horse Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids. The horse now risks suspension from Saturday’s Preakness Stakes, and Sunday’s Mr. Maryland Bodybuilding Championship.

Donald Trump called Medina Spirit a ‘junky’ , adding the horse’s drug use was indicative of the USA’s other problems, including immigration and election fraud. Medina Spirit clapped = or, clomped – back, saying he’s not a drug abuser, and that he only cast one vote for Joe Biden.

A four-year-old hacked his mother’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob Squarepants popsicles. She also blames the child for a vibrator order, which he denies.

Tinder warned potential ‘catfishers’ not to pose as Bill Gates to trick unsuspecting women. Tinder says they have ‘serious tools’ to ensure fake Gates accounts are removed – including comparison against an authenticated photo of Bill Gates’ penis.