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Donald Trump invited two Michigan Republican state legislators to the White House, presumably to try and overturn the state’s election results. They’ll dine on Big Macs while Trump serves them that Whopper.

Joe Biden was once again declared the winner of Georgia after the state hand-counted all of its ballots, and even some extra ones they were sent from New York.

A Long Island couple was identified after their 300-person October wedding turned into a COVID-19 superspreader event. 34 people were infected, and the rest were still pissed off about the cash bar.

The Centers for Disease Control recommended Americans not travel at all for Thanksgiving to limit exposure to COVID-19, and to their in-law’s disgusting side dishes.

Kyle Rittenhouse – the teenager accused of killing two people during demonstrations in Wisconsin – allegedly bought the AR-15 murder weapon with his $1,200 government stimulus check. He asked for more ammo in his letter to Santa.

Walmart released its Black Friday deals online – resulting in trampling injuries to multiple toothless hicks trying to be first to use the computer.

Priti Patel, an adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has been accused of bullying her staff following a government inquiry. It’s so bad, they call her Ugli Patel.

Mossimo Giannulli reported for his five-month sentence in the college admissions scandal. He shaved his head before entering, presumably to get the first-ever Aunt Becky prison scalp tattoo.

Geraldo Rivera told Fox News he thinks the COVID-19 vaccine should be named after Trump. Asked which one, he said whichever one is injected against a person’s will.

BuzzFeed acquired HuffPost – leaving experts worried about more consolidation of sources of serious journalism.

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12 Million people will lose unemployment benefits the day after Christmas. “Dahoo Doray…this f**king sucks” sang all the Whos in Whoville.

Jennifer Grey and husband Clark Gregg – Agent Coulson in the Marvel Universe – finalized their divorce settlement. Grey keeps all residuals from Dirty Dancing, while she snaps up half his Marvel residuals, according to Grey’s attorney, Thanos.

Scientists in Australia created diamonds from rocks in a lab at room temperature in just minutes. They did so by applying immense pressure – equivalent to that of a two-year girlfriend’s expectations on Christmas Eve.

An Amazon driver stole a tv and chair valued at $5,800, delivering them to his own house. The driver was arrested and the items delivered to the customer, who’s waiting for the driver to make bail so she can return them.

Matthew McConaughey is considering a run for Governor of Texas in 2022. His plan is called ‘How To Lose An Election in 24 Months’.

While Beyonce partners with Peloton, her husband Jay Z is investing in vertical climbing machine startup, CLIMBR – which promises to hold twice as many dirty clothes as a Peloton bike.

The National Anthem at the Mike Tyson/Roy Jones Jr fight will be sung by Ne-Yo…say can you see….

A man told to wear a mask in IHOP wielded a knife and cut an employee’s arm before fleeing. The wound was treated with stitches because it was only a short stab.

The Vatican reportedly launched an inquiry with Instagram, asking how Pope Francis’ account ‘Liked’ a photo from a Brazilian butt model. Instagram replied to the Vatican, saying it was a result of Francis ‘double-tappin’ on dat azz’.

Following months of delays, Wonder Woman 1984 will premiere in cinemas and streaming service HBO Max on the same day. Wonder Woman surveyed movie fans with her Lasso of Truth and 98% said there’s no way they’re going to a theater.

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Wilson sporting goods introduced the Staff Model R, the first golf ball without a coat of paint. They say removing paint will allow weekend golfers to hit the ball farther and straighter into the water.

The world’s lone remaining white giraffe was outfitted with a GPS tracker to protect it from poachers. The giraffe said the GPS is great, but he’d probably feel safer with a gun of his own.

Lena Dunham opened up about her difficulty having biological children due to endometriosis, drug abuse, and potential male sex partners getting to know her.

Khloe Kardashian won the People’s Choice Award for Best Reality TV Star, edging out four other nominees sitting on her couch.

The Boeing 737 MAX has been cleared to fly after a two-year ban. FAA Administrator Steve Dickson said “I’m 100 percent comfortable with my family flying on it…especially my mother-in-law.”

Fortnite is getting in-game video chat, to the delight of gamers who like to play battle-royale games while watching men masturbate.

Harvey Weinstein is reportedly being treated for a high fever and a possible COVID-19 infection in prison. If his condition worsens, he may be placed on a ventilator connected to the exhaust pipe of a garbage truck.

Two men in Queens, New York – Jie Zou and Jonathan Zhang – were arrested on assault charges for a street brawl over a parking spot, ending in a car being driven through the front of a bakery. The fight is now being made into a Jackie Chan movie.

A Medieval soldier’s remains were found next to swords and knives at the bottom of a lake in Lithuania. Researchers concluded he probably lost his battle, and also had a hard time swimming holding swords and knives.

A Wisconsin police officer who’s killed three civilians in the last five years is resigning from the force, for failing to meet his quota.

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National Geographic posted its top travel destinations for 2021, including Costa Rica and Faroe Islands. They succeed 2020’s top travel desinations, The Mailbox and The Grocery Store.

Music mogul Scooter Braun sold Taylor Swift’s master recordings for over $300 million. In other transactions, Lou Bega sold his master recordings to buy a scooter.

Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani said that losing post-election lawsuits is ‘part of their plan’ to get them appealed and heard by the Supreme Court. New York Jets Coach Adam Gase said his team’ 0-9 start is ‘part of their plan’ to get to the 2028 Super Bowl.

A Baby Yoda doll arrived on the International Space Station along with the NASA crew arriving via SpaceX. The doll will be flushed down the newly-installed space toilet to see how well it works.

A European Vega rocket failed at launch, destroying a communications satellite on board. The team’s leader blamed the accident on their choosing a 1974 Chevy Vega.

Amazon launched its online pharmacy on Tuesday. Customers can expect to have painkillers swiped off their porch on Thursday.

17 guests at a 300-person ‘superspreader wedding’ in Washington state contracted COVID-19. The bride and groom defended the party, saying they skipped champagne and filled guests’ glasses with Listerine and Remdesivir.

Several stores like Bass Pro Shops will still have in-store Santas, only kids will have to stand six feet away and yell to Santa that they want video games, bikes, and for Mom & Dad to stop fighting.

Ulysses ‘The Monster’ Diaz knocked out Donelei Benedetto in 3 seconds to record the fastest finish ever in a Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship bout. Diaz announced his next fight will be when Walmart opens on Black Friday.

Iowa Governor Kim Reynolds issued a mask mandate for all Iowans over age 2, along with a new slogan for the program, ‘Cover Your Cornhole’.

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A study from the University of Alberta claims a glass of red wine has the same effect on the body as an hour at the gym. So congrats to all the stay-at-home moms putting in their five hours every day.

Conservative cable network Newsmax said the channel will not rebrand as ‘Trump TV’, but Donald Trump may get a show – that’s 23 hours long.

Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced a three-week pause on in-person learning and in-person dining, and an eight week pause on caring about Detroit Lions games except for when you’re bored on Thanksgiving.

An Alaska Airlines jet struck and killed a brown bear during landing at Alaska’s Yakutat Airport – ending the career of the longest-tenured baggage handler at Yakutat Airport.

A Belgian racing pigeon sold for $1.9 million to a Chinese businessman. The businessman then paid another $750 for a new suit after the pigeon shit on his.

Walmart is hiring “Health Ambassadors” to remind customers to wear a mask as they enter the store. Walmart said they’re similar to traditional greeters, only they’ve been screened for how well they take a punch.

Mattel released new ‘Barbie Extra’ dolls. The Extras are new body types, hair colors and skin tones – but still no nipples or genitals.

Tiger Woods carded a 10 on a par-3 at the Masters. It’s his ugliest 10 since Elin Nordegren bashed his car after reading his text messages in 2009.

NASA’s Curiosity rover snapped a stunning selfie on Mars – then slipped & fell to its death in a crater.

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MLB’s Miami Marlins hired the league’s first female general manager, Kim Ng. She’s charged with changing the team’s trajectory from lose ng to win ng.

A Pennsylvania judge ruled in favor of Donald Trump’s lawyers in a dispute regarding a deadline extension for a small amount of unverified ballots. This improves Team Trump’s record in post-election lawsuits to 1 win, 100 losses.

A pediatrician at a Louisiana children’s hospital was arrested for calling a teen girl the n-word, then punching her, in a racially motivated attack. The doctor was placed on leave, and the hospital is looking for a new Santa for the holiday party.

Mark Zuckerberg said Steve Bannon – who said Anthony Fauci and FBI Director Christopher Wray should be beheaded – “didn’t violate enough policies” for suspension from Facebook. However, Bannon was kicked out of the scrapbooking group where he posted his video.

Steven Spielberg’s daughter Mikaela said she’s “really enjoying” her career as a sex worker – but added she could do without all of the clients in E.T. costumes.

The new MeowTalk app claims to translate cat’s meows in to one of nine requests. Eight of them are “I’m hungry” and the ninth one is “I’m getting hungry”.

Florida GOP Rep. Matt Gaetz posted a photo with Tiffany Trump, putting to rest rumors that Tiffany Trump is transgender Matt Gaetz.

Over 130 Secret Service Agents are in quarantine or infected with COVID-19 in the wake of Donald Trump’s rallies and campaigning. Teenagers playing Call of Duty online are reportedly tired of getting their asses kicked.

South America’s Pantanal region – the world’s largest wetlands – is on fire. “Now what do we call it?” said environmentalists.

Seven passengers tested positive for coronavirus aboard the SeaDream1 – the first passenger cruise ship to relaunch since the pandemic. They’re being quarantined until they can be upgraded to the ship’s norovirus deck.

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Instagram made the first change to its home page in 10 years, making it easier on most users by simply adding a tab for Breasts.

Ring video doorbells were recalled for being a fire hazard. Dozens of Jehovah’s Witnesses were treated at emergency rooms for severely burned fingers.

Google Photos announced an end to unlimited free photo storage in 2021 – but they’re keeping an open mind for some nudes.

The Masters started Thursday in Augusta, Georgia. “Maybe I should go check on that Georgia recount” said Donald Trump.

Workers took several hours removing a nest of over 200 ‘murder hornet’ queens. The queens were removed, along with their dresses, heels, wigs and makeup.

The hearing-impaired community is voicing opposition to Joe Biden’s suggested sign-language name because of its similarity to the Crips gang sign. “I say keep it” said Biden, before puffing and passing a blunt to Vice President-elect Harris.

Facebook’s metric for ‘Violence & Incitement Trends’ is up 45%, due to the proliferation of pro-Trump and QAnon hashtags like #DraintheSwamp, #Trump2020, #WatchtheWater, and #McDelivery.

A Delaware woman was arrested for smashing an egg salad sandwich in the face of a 72-year-old female acquaintance. She faces charges of assault with a smelly disgusting weapon.

Amazon said its Alexa voice assistant will soon answer questions its users haven’t even asked yet — such as “who brought this ***king thing into the house?”

Following viral videos of the console supposedly billowing smoke, Microsoft warned users of the new Xbox Series X “not to blow vape smoke into your Xbox”. Apparently cannabis vapor makes it really hard for Halo’s Master Chief to shoot while wasted.

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Organizers announced Saturday’s Million MAGA March in Washington DC to support Donald Trump. Area managers are bracing for mile-long lines of buses at DC-area McDonald’s drive-thrus.

Johnny Depp resigned from his role as Grindelwald in the Fantastic Beasts film series. He’ll pocket several million dollars and start work in the new Abusive Beasts movies.

An Egyptian man holding a small fish in his teeth was rushed to an emergency room after the fish jumped in his mouth and lodged in his throat. Doctors were able to remove it, but only after waiting two hours danging worms on his lips.

A male contestant on The Bachelorette tested positive for COVID-19. He’s quarantining until the coronavirus is neutralized by gonorrhea.

A man claiming to have some of Charles Manson’s cremation ashes had them used in a $500 face tattoo. No word on why he went with a dolphin jumping over a rainbow.

A new study finds 1 in 5 COVID-19 patients develop mental illness within 90 days. The study followed four teenagers and Donald Trump.

The White House issued a statement in observance of Veterans Day, reminding Americans that today is for active duty vets – and that Suckers & Losers Day is in late May.

Georgia will conduct a full by-hand recount of all votes. The Secretary of State said that this will instill confidence when they’re done in 2022.

Chipotle opened its first digital-only restaurant, now that they’ve figured out how to digitize food borne illness.

Oprah’s Favorite Things arrived on Amazon. The only one of her Favorite Things that Amazon didn’t list is actually getting sh!t delivered in two days.

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Beyonce is partnering with Peloton on “various forms of fitness class curation” and “extra sturdy bicycle seats”.

Scooby-Doo co-creator Ken Spears passed away at age 82. No signs of foul play, but the gang is investigating the abandoned amusement park where his body was found just in case.

Donald Trump, Jr and girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle are reportedly interested in taking over the GOP National Committee from current Chair Ronna McDaniel. They’re disappointed that large GOP donors don’t want lap dances from her.

NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine – an appointee of Donald Trump – said he will step down once Biden takes office. Biden plans to accept the resignation and told Bridenstine “may the Space Force be with you”.

Spotify is acquiring podcast hosting company Megaphone. Megaphone hosts over 5,000 podcasts reaching about 4,000 listeners.

Researchers say injectable drug cabotegravir is most effective at preventing women from contracting HIV from an infected partner. So, one injection, then all the unprotected injections they want after that.

General Motors will reintroduce the Hummer as an all-electric vehicle, but will limit sales to prevent rolling blackouts while owners recharge them.

The Masters golf tournament will be played this week. It’s unique in that it’s happening in November, and the star attraction is a black dude who actually voted for Trump.

Twitter may limit ‘Likes’ for posts containing misinformation. But stolen jokes and memes will still rack ’em up.

Ulta will open hundreds of makeup & beauty shops in Target stores. Not to be outdone, Walmart will open its own in-store makeup and beauty shops from Spirit Halloween.

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Nevada police are investigating a violent incident at Circus Circus Hotel on the Las Vegas Strip, where three people were Shot Shot.

A man invented a robot that puts on and removes his contact lenses. The robot puts them on in the morning, and takes them out at night after they’ve finished having sex.

An 8-year-old Texas boy won $500 for capturing the Kid’s Division in the National Mullet Championship. The Adult Division was postponed due to conflicts with post-election militia meetings.

Donald Trump has not yet conceded defeat in the presidential election. Jared Kushner asked him to reconsider, and Melania Trump asked him to accept defeat and divorce papers.

An earthquake was felt near Boston. Experts confirmed it was, in fact, a seismological event after learning the Patriots hadn’t lost again.

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek passed away at age 80. His wife and heirs await the reading of his Final Jeopardy! to see what he wagered on each of them. [RIP Alex Trebek.]

McDonald’s will try out new automatic-order-taking lanes at drive-thrus, for the thousands of customers who have difficulty placing orders while drunk.

Pfizer claims to have a COVID-19 vaccine that’s 90% effective in human trials. They plan to release more details right after the 10th guy’s autopsy.

Jay & Kateri Schwandt of Grand Rapids, Michigan welcomed baby daughter Maggie, their first girl after having 14 sons. They expect toilet training to be a challenge, after Maggie repeatedly runs out of the bathroom when it’s finally her turn.

Columbia and Cornell University researchers have developed a nasal spray that kills the coronavirus – but you really, really need to like the smell of Lysol.