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One of Donald Trump’s personal valets tested positive for coronavirus; the diagnosis was a byproduct of weekly testing that all Trump valets undergo for STDs and pregnancy.

Kevin Spacey compared his downfall to people losing jobs during the pandemic. Both Spacey and hourly laborers lost work because of something attacking young men.

Brett Favre is repaying Mississippi $1.1 million in welfare money he received for speeches he never gave and personal appearances he didn’t attend. Now, Mississippi just needs to find a resident who can count to 1.1 million.

The Supreme Court overturned the convictions of two aides to then-New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for manipulating George Washington Bridge traffic to create jams. Christie called the ruling a lot of baloney, then ate it.

An Oklahoma City woman opened fire on a McDonald’s after being told she couldn’t enter the closed dining area because of coronavirus restrictions. Three employees were hit, and will receive Purple Grimace Hearts.

A Florida lizard broke a record by defecating 80 percent of its body weight at once. The lizard was so full of shit, it was given a job as White House Press Secretary.

A new study found coronavirus in semen. “NO, that’s NOT how I got it” say women with COVID-19 talking to their Moms.

Queen guitarist Brian May says he tore his buttocks while gardening – as opposed to Queen’s late vocalist Freddie Mercury, who tore his buttocks routinely while touring.

A new Comcast study claims customers are watching eight more hours of TV a day while in pandemic isolation. They plan to use the data as justification for charging people twice as much.

Fast food restaurants report steep declines in breakfast sales while customers isolate and sleep later during the pandemic.  The CDC sent a thank-you letter to Arby’s CEO for making fewer people sick, since ERs are already swamped.

 

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Donald Trump issued a flurry of Presidential pardons, including former Illinois Governor and ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ contestant Rod Blagojevich.  The pardon was issued in January, but it took a month to figure out who Ron Blagoyawitz was.

McDonald’s is now offering their 50th Anniversary Shamrock Shake. Arby’s is offering the Shamrock Sandwich – it’s the usual mauve roast beef that turned green with age.

Walmart officials don’t yet know how their sales & profits will be impacted by the coronavirus. Although they do expect added expense relabeling most of their products ‘Made In The Good Part of China’.

Larry Tesler, the Apple employee who invented Cut/Copy/Paste commands, was Deleted at age 74 after a brief illness. [Story h/t to Guy S.]

A Pennsylvania man who fled the scene of a hit-and-run accident on foot was arrested after being attacked by a coyote. The Chief of Police issued a medal of commendation to the Coyote for catching the Road-Runner.

Johnny Depp alleges that ex-wife Amber Heard defecated on their bed after a fight. While fans take sides amidst the couple’s bitter split, no one is thinking to ask how the cleaning lady is doing.

Nearly all of the employees at Orlando’s religious theme park, Holy Land Experience, will lose their jobs this spring. A memo to staffers reads ‘The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away and will not payeth severance.”

A Scottish man claims to be in extreme pain after surgery to implant metal rods in his penis left him with a permanent erection. He also claims to have lost weight because he can’t go near the refrigerator without the magnets flying off and hitting it.

General Mills plans to revive flagging sales of breakfast cereal by going upscale, including charging up to $13/box. Although it’s unclear who wants to start their day with Caviar Cheerios.

Philadelphia is rolling out kiosks that let car owners pay for parking after entering their license plate. Drivers who can’t remember their license plate can simply press a button reading ‘Stolen Car’.

 

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Hallmark Channel pulled an ad from a wedding planning service because it showed two women kissing. The ad was then reshot with Candace Cameron Bure and Lacey Chabert as the kissing couple, and Hallmark Channel was contractually obligated to show it.

Government health officials claim excessive use of marijuana can cause psychosis. Marijuana advocates respond by saying that’s the point.

Military officials are investigating whether cadets attending the Army/Navy Game flashed a ‘white power’ hand sign – touching thumb & index fingers with the remaining digits extended – while on-camera at the game. The cadet claimed he was just trying to say he only had to attend three more of these cold, terrible football games.

A New England Patriots videographer taking images of the Cincinnati Bengals sideline last week was suspended by the team for an unspecified period, accompanied by an unspecified promotion and pay raise.

The Oakland Raiders played their final home game before relocating next season to become the Las Vegas Raiders. Team slogans ‘Commitment to Excellence’ and ‘Pride and Poise’ will be joined by ‘Best Buffet & Loosest Slots in the NFL’.

A package thief in St. Paul, Minnesota left behind a handwritten note thanking the intended recipient for leaving it where it could be stolen. Police are baffled because the note was written in cursive with no spelling errors.

Aussie airline Qantas selected Airbus jets for their planned 19-hour nonstop flights from Australia to the U.S. They said they may change their mind and buy Boeing if passengers decide they want unexpected nosedives to help break up the long trip.

After postponing his ‘Big Tour’ for three months to spend time with his family and newborn daughter, Chance the Rapper canceled it altogether. The Big Tour is now renamed the No Chance Tour.

Accuweather meteorologist John Gresiak said 25 million Americans will see varied precipitation on Monday, from sleet to freezing rain, that he calls a “mixed bag of glop”. Thousands more Americans will also see a mixed bag of glop on Monday when they hit the Arby’s drive-thru.

The Department of Justice is investigating an Iowa psychiatric care facility for conducting “human arousal studies” on residents with mental challenges. The study was to determine if people living in Iowa in December could still become aroused.

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The U.S. Army may change the eligibility rules for burial in Arlington National Cemetery. One rule expected to remain unchanged is that you need to be dead.

The original crossbreeder of Labradoodle dogs says he regrets creating “Frankenstein’s monster”, citing his opinion that the dogs are either crazy or have a hereditary problem. His complaints are echoed by the guy who spent years trying to cross Great Danes and Chihuahuas.

A woman author, Katee Robert, released a new series of books, Wicked Villains, that feature Disney villains in kinky erotic scenarios. They’re so hot, Donald Duck walked in on Daisy Duck reading one with her pants off.

The NBA is reportedly requiring all teams to certify player’s height & weight during the first week of training camp. “Fine, but what’s with the fingerprints and DNA samples?” asked NBA players.

Inspire Brands, owner of Sonic, Arby’s and Buffalo Wild Wings, is acquiring Jimmy John’s sandwich shops. Inspire’s CEO said they wanted another brand to give customers heart disease, but a lot slower.

A gas station owner in Maryland has completely transitioned it to charging electric vehicles. The owner said he was frustrated with the way petroleum suppliers structured contracts, and that he wasn’t meeting enough douchebags.

The Anti-Defamation League said in a new report that the “OK” hand gesture is now a hate symbol. So stick to “thumbs up” at your kid’s soccer game to tell them they’re doing a great job.

Residents of San Francisco neighborhoods are trying to keep the homeless off the streets in front of their homes by placing large boulders on the sidewalk. They say the idea came from not seeing any homeless drug addicts in Bedrock.

Facebook will hide the number of Likes a post gets in order to minimize envy. Users will now just post how many Likes they got from previous posts in order to restore envy.

Uber is creating an incubator for new business ideas – because they want to give business opportunities to leering creeps who don’t own or drive a car.

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The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.

 

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Police in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania are looking for a woman who urinated on potatoes at a Walmart there. The Walmart manager is also looking for her to see if she’s planning to show up for her next shift.

Philadelphia Police believe robbers who stole $4,000 from a Chipotle restaurant are the same ones who robbed two Popeye’s chicken locations over the weekend. Law enforcement remains on the lookout for the Clogged Artery Bandits.

100 million Capital One customers were the victim of a massive data breach. What’s in your wallet? If you’re a hacker, probably a few dozen social security numbers.

Actress and co-star of the original ‘Top Gun’, Kelly McGillis, said she was never contacted about appearing in the ‘Top Gun: Maverick’ sequel, claiming she was Goose’d by producers.

A Maryland man missing for five days in the woods was rescued after being spotted by a volunteer’s drone equipped with a camera. The drone owner said he was surprised to find the man, since he typically only uses it to look in bedroom windows.

Delta Airlines is taking heat for refusing to fly a service dog to the family of a two-year-old in California who suffers from seizure disorders. Delta first said the dog was a pit bull – which is isn’t – then lied again, saying the dog couldn’t open the boarding pass on its smartphone.

Thailand’s highest restaurant and bar opened on the 76th and 77th floor of the King Mahanakhon Skyscraper in Bangkok. Owners are trying to keep the place classy by forcing Bangkok’s notorious hookers to take the stairs.

A new study claims 1 in 4 food delivery workers eat some of the food they’re bringing to customers. Delivery workers say the best way to prevent it from happening is ordering meals for delivery from Arby’s.

A 16-year-old Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania boy won $3 million as Champion of the first-ever Fortnite World cup video game competition. Asked what his plans are for the money, he didn’t know, other than getting the hell out of Pottsgrove, Pennsylvania.

Mat Fraser, “Fittest Man on Earth”, is seeking his fifth gold medal in this weekend’s 2019 Crossfit Games in Madison, Wisconsin. The games will be broadcast by word-of-mouth from everyone who’s constantly telling you they’re doing Crossfit.

 

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Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

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According to the Brookings Institute, artificial intelligence is replacing a high percentage of ‘first jobs’, leaving middle managers wondering how to sexually harass artificial intelligence.

An author claims that secret FBI tapes exist, indicating Martin Luther King, Jr. had over 40 extramarital affairs. The authenticity of the claim is in question, but King apparently had more than one dream.

Virginia Beach officials are outraged that over 10 tons of trash were left on the beach over Memorial Day weekend at a ‘Floatopia’ summer kickoff – by the tons of trash who visited there.

Burger King states its restaurants serving the meatless Impossible Whopper experienced an 18% increase in traffic.  Arby’s stated restaurants serving their greek gyros experienced a 98% increase in traffic to the restrooms.

Actress Mandy Moore completed her climb to the base camp of Mount Everest. “There is so much magic in these mountains!” she wrote, as the bodies of dead climbers were dragged by her on sleds.

Apple announced it’s bringing back the iPod Touch. They asked prospective buyers if they thought they’d miss the phone function, to which they replied “the what?”

12 people were injured as tornados touched down in Kansas – all are expected to survive, but without any of them learning valuable lessons about heart, intellect & courage.

Pokemon GO will soon access players’ sleep data and give rewards for good sleep habits. Parents whose kids tell them they got a Squirtle in bed shouldn’t get too worried.

Alaska Airlines topped J.D. Power’s North American Airlines Satisfaction Ratings among traditional carriers. Frontier Airlines ranked last among all carriers, and charged passengers $49 to complete the survey.

Amazon announced you can now order voice assistant Alexa to forget what you just said. Alexa will confirm, but then somehow manage to bring it up the next time you get in a fight.

 

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Researchers developed a virtual reality video game, Sea Hero Quest, that they claim detects Alzheimer’s disease. In the game, players navigate a virtual boat. Those with early-stage Alzheimer’s do a poor job navigating the boat to checkpoints. Those with really bad Alzheimer’s drown.

Amazon is upgrading Amazon Prime from free two-day shipping to free one-day shipping, so customers can have packages stolen in half the time.

The U.S. Navy fired Rear Admiral John Ring, Commander of Guantanamo Bay prison, for “loss of confidence in his ability to command”. Ring accepted the decision, but said he’s going to continue looking for those missing cell keys.

The National Rifle Association is in a power struggle, with longtime executive Wayne LaPierre accusing outgoing President Oliver North of trying to get him fired. Members don’t understand why the two can’t just settle their differences with guns.

Burger King plans to roll out the meatless Impossible Whopper to all of its U.S. restaurants after a successful test run. Diners said they wanted an option that allowed them to take a break from meat, without resorting to eating at Arby’s.

Fishermen off Norway’s coast spotted a beluga whale wearing a harness equipped with mounts for GoPro cameras. They think the whale may have been trained by Russians, based on markings on the harness, and seeing Russian sailors’ heads peeking out of the whale’s blowhole.

According to a CNN tracker, President Donald Trump surpassed 10,000 lies told while in office – clearing the bar Friday when telling birthday girl Melania “you look prettier than the day I met you.”

Lee Stowell, a 54-year-old woman and former securities salesperson at Cantor Fitzgerald, is suing the firm and her coworkers for harassment, including putting feces in her Bernie Sanders coffee mug. The firm denies the allegations, and said they just have really lousy coffee.

A 44-year-old Baltimore woman received the first-ever transplanted kidney delivered by aerial drone to her hospital. Five other recipients are still waiting while their donor organs are retrieved from drones stuck in trees and on roofs.

Canadian users of the McDonald’s app allege they’re being hacked and being applied fradulent charges for food they never ordered. McDonald’s said they believe their app is secure, and that users should change their password to something other than Grimace.

 

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California is considering a new law permitting human consumption of meat from roadkill animals. The legislation is expected to save millions of dollars each year for Arby’s.

CNN plans to host a John Hickenlooper For President town hall meeting next week, only it plans to change the Town Hall to a Tiny Kitchen.

A ‘bomb cyclone’ threatens to dump up to two feet of snow on portions of Nebraska, ruining the Spring Break vacation destination of the nation’s poorest, dumbest college students.

Kentucky Democrats are fundraising to advance retired military pilot Amy McGrath as a candidate to unseat Republican Mitch McConnell. They’re reportedly about halfway to matching the amount of money McConnell has stored in his neck pouch.

Michael Avenatti states that he is no longer the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, choosing to refocus his career on stand-up comedy.

The family of an 11-year-old boy is suing Universal Studios, saying his foot and leg were crushed at the end of the E.T. Adventure ride at Universal’s Orlando theme park. Said the boy: “ouuuch”.

A Cincinnati brewery employee claims he’s fasting and only consuming beer for Lent. Del Hall, sales director for Fifty West Brewing, says he’s already lost 15 pounds, and his job for being hammered all day.

Volkswagen may bring back the iconic ‘Dune Buggy’, revealing what it calls the ID Buggy concept car. It’s electric and runs almost silent, going 0-to-running over toddlers with pails & shovels on the beach in just seconds.

In a study of gummy vitamins, ConsumerLab.com found that gummies are more likely than pills to over- or under-deliver listed ingredients. Mainly because people just eat all the red ones and toss out the other colors.

Twitter is launching a new camera feature. Soon you’ll be able to swipe left to take photos or videos that the app will inexplicably cut off so followers can’t see the whole thing.