By |

A woman who’d just had her eyelashes done was attacked by the beautician’s pet chihuahua, who tore off the woman’s eyelid. The victim said it happened quickly, in what would have been the blink of an eye.

A judge in Dr Dre’s divorce case just declared Dre officially single – or, as it’s known in legal terminology, Pimp.

The largest-ever peer-reviewed study of food-induced inflammation was just completed, after researchers were able to acquire 2,000 buckets of KFC.

A same-sex female couple at Pennridge High School in Pennsylvania became the first in the state to be crowned as two prom queens – though their titles are being contested by the gay male couple that finished second.

Ticks carrying Lyme disease have been found on California beaches. They differ from East Coast woodland ticks because of their four-legged board shorts.

Two U.S. passengers on the Celebrity Millenium – the first major sea cruise since the pandemic shut down the cruise industry – were put in isolation after their norovirus vomit tested positive for COVID-19.

CNN legal analyst Jeffrey Toobin returned to the network, following an 8 month suspension for masturbating during a Zoom call with other journalists. Toobin will soon take a brief paternity leave once his pregnant mouse pad gives birth.

E! aired the series finale of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, marking the last you’ll see of them for a couple minutes.

The Consumer Price Index rose by the highest margins since the Great Recession. It’s so severe, Atlantic City hookers raised prices 50%, to $7.50.

Donald Trump used the Department of Justice to seize information from Congressional Democrat’s iPhones because he suspected they were leaking sensitive information – and because he thought there may be pics of their wives or girlfrends.

By |

Governors of Florida & Texas are battling cruise lines over their vaccine rules, arguing that a COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t protect passengers against the hundreds of other gross viruses lurking on cruise ships.

The highly contagious Delta variant of COVID-19 is on the rise in the U.S. As is the Southwest, where you pick your own variant, and the Spirit, where you pay $49 for the virus.

Kristen Messner, wife of former Fleetwood Mac vocalist/guitarist Lindsey Buckingham, filed for divorce. She’s already auditioning new frontmen.

A 22-year-old Pennsylvania man is charged with wire fraud after impersonating Donald Trump’s brother and son to collect $25,000 in donations. Donald Trump is so impressed with the guy’s ability to get money from suckers that he may adopt him.

A McDonald’s customer is claiming the company’s test of voice & facial recognition technology when ordering violates privacy laws. That, and he’s insulted when he’s recognized and offered “so, the usual fifty McNuggets and three large fries?”

El Salvador is the first country to accept Bitcoin as legal tender, believing it will Be easier for drug dealers pay their federal income taxes.

Tomorrow, the Ring Of Fire solar eclipse will be partially visible in the United States. As the moon goes down and the sun gets higher. But use eye protection or your retinas will burn, burn, burn…from the Ring of Fire…the Ring of Fire.

A California man is considered “lucky to be alive” after being stuck for two days inside a barn fan at a Sonoma farm. Authorities were alerted by cows who called to complain about the smell.

France is sending the U.S. a “little sister” to the original Statue of Liberty. The bronze statue is 1/16th the size of the original, and will be used for toilet training hatchling pigeons and seagulls.

Sherwin Williams is raising paint prices 7%, citing pandemic-related shortages, due to more Americans buying paint just to watch it dry.

By |

Walmart claims a ‘bad actor’ hacked their account and sent emails containing the n-word. Not Scott Baio, a different kind of bad actor.

McDonald’s is introducing a new McNuggets combo, the BTS Meal, in honor of the South Korean boy band. North Korea is introducing the Kim Jong Un Meal, because he’s the only guy in the country able to get food from McDonald’s.

Arby’s is also offering a BTS Meal, only it stands for Bowel Tearing Sandwiches.

‘Friends’ star Matthew Perry explained his slurred speech during an appearance promoting the HBO Max Friends Reunion special, blaming it on a dental visit. Earlier that day he got his teeth cleaned and did drugs with a dental hygienist.

A passenger on a Southwest Airlines flight assaulted a flight attendant, knocking out two of her teeth. What’s most impressive is that they threw the punch from a window seat.

A Sherpa climber halted his attempt to summit Mount Everest for a record-breaking 26th time because, midway up the mountain, he had a bad dream. The bad dream was about the three guys climbing with him who froze to death.

Amazon bought MGM Studios for $8.45 billion. The iconic roaring lion that introduces MGM films will be replaced by the yelling of a Mom angry that her Prime shipment is taking 3 days to arrive.

A grand jury will meet three days a week for six months to consider possible crimes committed by the Trump Organization. They need six months because there are, like. a lot of crimes. The biggest amount of crimes you’ve ever seen.

Positive first-quarter results caused a 12% increase in shares of Dick’s Sporting Goods. Execs cited the waning effects of the pandemic as being all-around great news for Dick’s.

Kim Kardashian flunked the first-year law school students bar exam, or ‘baby bar’. She admits she does better on baby exams when she’s with a wealthy black guy.

By |

Bruce Willis and John Travolta are in Hawaii filming bounty-hunter action pic ‘Paradise City’ – the first time they’ve starred in the same movie since ‘Pulp Fiction’, and the first time Netflix has said “no thanks” to a movie idea.

An unruly Delta Air Lines passenger was fined $52,500 for trying to enter the cockpit, punching a flight attendant, and refusing to comply with crew members instructions – specifically, the instruction to stop punching them.

COVID vaccine trials are underway for children ages 5 & under. It’s that shrieking noise you’re hearing.

Florida raised the legal age for smoking & vaping to 21, angering thousands of 20-year-old Florida high school students.

Trainer Bob Baffert is suspended from entering his racehorses in New York State after numerous doping allegations. In other news, Kentucky Derby winner Medina Spirit entered rehab.

Comedian John Mulaney, who announced he’s getting divorced, is rumored to be dating actress Olivia Munn. Mulaney isn’t losing a wife, he’s gaining 2 or 3 cup sizes.

Some ‘foodies’ are planning to eat BroodX cicadas once they emerge this month. “Come on, man, we haven’t had a vacation in 17 years” say cicadas.

Donald Trump collected $65,000 in pension payments from the federal government since leaving office in January. Which is a lot of money for new golf clubs.

Jaden Smith is partnering with New Balance on the $150 Vision Racer X sneaker. It’s the perfect shoe for 60-year-olds who are inspired by 22-year-olds that aren’t at all athletic.

Joe Rogan said on his podcast that woke/cancel culture will “be the end of straight, white men”. His predominantly straight, white audience agrees, but feels they’ve had a pretty good 500-or-so-year run.

By |

Applebee’s reduced its menu by 60% during the pandemic, but plans to keep it that way from now on. Applebee’s calls their new menu the Cliff Notes for the 410-page Cheesecake Factory menu.

Subway franchisees claim the chain’s new Fresh Melt melted-cheese sandwiches are too dangerous to make – that employees risk burns, and toasters are ruined. They’re less concerned about customers, saying if they eat at Subway, they already know the risks.

The NCAA is considering a plan allowing student athletes to make money off their name & likeness. Hearing this, a Division III field hockey player bought a Ferrari.

A ransomware attack shut down Colonial Pipeline, which supplies almost half the fuel to the East coast. The cyberattackers gave Colonial the choice of paying the ransom in Bitcoin, or convenience store gift cards.

A bride in India walked out on an arranged wedding when her husband-to-be could not recite the multiplication table of two correctly. The math challenge results came as a shock because he aced the spelling challenge preceding it.

Florida is experiencing a massive surge in COVID variants. Three nurses died attempting to vaccinate alligators.

Amanda Fletcher, a New York city private high school Spanish teacher, was recorded sucking a man’s nipple during a Zoom class – an incident described by her C students as hot, and by her A students as ‘muy caliente’.

Kentucky Derby winning horse Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids. The horse now risks suspension from Saturday’s Preakness Stakes, and Sunday’s Mr. Maryland Bodybuilding Championship.

Donald Trump called Medina Spirit a ‘junky’ , adding the horse’s drug use was indicative of the USA’s other problems, including immigration and election fraud. Medina Spirit clapped = or, clomped – back, saying he’s not a drug abuser, and that he only cast one vote for Joe Biden.

A four-year-old hacked his mother’s Amazon Prime account and ordered 51 boxes of SpongeBob Squarepants popsicles. She also blames the child for a vibrator order, which he denies.

Tinder warned potential ‘catfishers’ not to pose as Bill Gates to trick unsuspecting women. Tinder says they have ‘serious tools’ to ensure fake Gates accounts are removed – including comparison against an authenticated photo of Bill Gates’ penis.

By |

An expansion of the U.S. earthquake early-warning system makes it available to 50 million people on the West Coast. The system, called Shake Alert, faces criticism from users confusing earthquakes with their Shake Shack order being ready.

Following dozens more reports of injured children, Peloton reversed their positions and agreed to recall their treadmills. Peloton online fitness classes were constantly interrupted by people pulling their kids out from under the belt.

An advisory board upheld Donald Trump’s ban from Facebook & Instagram, but said they need to decide again in six months after seeing how many state & federal crimes Trump was facing.

Pennsylvania Governor Tom Wolf is teaming up w Penn State football to encourage vaccination. “Nah, I think we’re good” said Wolf when retired assistant coach Jerry Sandusky offered his help.

Police in Bensalem, Pennsylvania debuted the Copsicle truck, a community-relations effort where police give away free ice cream. So far the truck has been used to successfuly lure & capture over 20 sixth-graders who jumped bail.

Multiple Major League Baseball teams are giving fans a free ticket when they get a COVID-19 vaccine at the stadium. The Philadelphia Phillies are reevaluating their plan after vaccine recipients were heckled and pelted with batteries by anti-vaxxers.

Zhe “Shelly” Wang, an interpreter for the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation, denies rumors that she’s responsible for their breakup. It’s hard to tell if the divorce is the result of too much Wang, or not enough.

The summer’s hottest top for women is Mirror Palais’ “underwire polo” – a crop-top that pairs an underwire bra with a button placket, collar and long sleeves. The hottest top for men is whatever they wore yesterday, probably.

A woman in Morocco gave birth to nine babies at once. She’s seeking parenting advice from others who have had a similar experience, but so far has only heard from cats.

A San Francisco tech CEO was ousted for taking LSD before an investor’s meeting. He said he got the idea from multiple middle-managers who dropped acid to get through their annual performance reviews.

By |

Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

By |

A Canadian man built a working submarine in his garage as a pandemic project. It can reach depths of 400 feet and carries 72 hours of oxygen. He stars in the thrilling new documentary ‘Voyage to the Bottom of the Golf Course Water Hazard’.

While allegedly seeking a presidential pardon, Congressman Matt Gaetz’s friend Joel Greenberg admitted in a letter that they paid underage women for sex. Instead of a pardon, Donald Trump sent back a framed letter of congratulations.

During the first round of the NFL Draft, thanks to COVID vaccinations & testing, Commissioner Roger Goodell resumed his tradition of hugging draft picks. However, all kisses were on the cheek, and only with consent.

Joe Biden visited Philadelphia’s 30th Street Station to promote his new infrastructure plan, and commemorate Amtrak’s 50th Anniversary. His train from Washington was late, and arrived in time to commemorate Amtrak’s 51st Anniversary.

Fudi is a new fast-food concept restaurant offering a 100% plant-based menu. Instead of a drive-thru, it has a drive-by.

Apple is addressing concerns that its new AirTags – which you attach to devices to see their location – can be used by stalkers to follow victims. Apple said if you’re worried you’re being stalked, just drop the AirTag on the ground and it will break.

A handcuffed murder suspect who escaped police at Atlanta International Airport was captured. Oddly enough, it was just after he cleared the TSA PreCheck line.

Five people were arrested in the shooting of Lady Gaga’s dog walker and theft of her two dogs. The dogs are expected to testify, but someone has to say “speak” first.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s lawyer said she’s sleep deprived and suffered a black eye while in prison. Apparently there isn’t a lot of room to sleepwalk.

A Texas man died while mowing his lawn after being attacked by Africanized killer bees. Texas Republicans are seeking to have the bees deported.

By |

Lena Dunham launched her new line of plus-size clothing. Sales projections are modest, since plus-sized women say one of their goals is to not look like Lena Dunham.

A woman received the first-ever trachea transplant. Her boyfriend is relieved they could repair the damage.

Trading card maker Topps is going public; each new share of common stock comes with a tooth-shattering stick of bubble gum.

Delaware County, Pennsylvania police are looking for whoever stole a historic beaver statue from a hiking trail. They’re also looking for someone impersonating a park ranger stopping hikers and questioning them about their beaver.

Chrysler is the highest-ranked American auto brand in Consumer Reports annual ratings of domestic & foreign autos, finishing third-from-the-bottom.

Caitlyn Jenner is considering a run for California governor as a Republican, but is worried that winning would mean banning herself from public restrooms.

Embattled GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz reportedly asked Donald Trump for a blanket pardon. Trump agreed, then reneged after Gaetz forgot to introduce Trump to his 17-year-old girlfriend.

A family is suing the Fresno Grizzlies baseball team after a man choked to death in a taco-eating contest at a game, saying they failed to warn him of the risks of competitive eating. The winner of the contest also sued, saying they failed to warn him of the E.coli risk from Chipotle tacos.

Starbucks is conducting a trial program where you pay $1 extra to have your drink served in a reusable cup. Dunkin’ is trialing a program where you pay $1 extra to have your coffee served in a cup with directions to the nearest emergency room printed on it.

By |

A Memphis woman leaned in to a Burger King drive-thru window and fired gunshots because she thought the wait was too long. A Burger King spokesperson said they don’t expect gunshots over wait times, they typically draw gunfire because the fries are terrible.

Target’s new program lets parents recycle child car seats, cribs and strollers in exchange for coupons. So far they’ve received thousands of recyclable items, and hundreds of babies.

Experts warn coronavirus is still transmissable at warm-weather beach locations. They say COVID-19 can be contracted by handling rented beach chairs, in public showers & restrooms, or being bitten by unvaccinated sharks.

Visitors to Donald Trump’s new website, 45Office.com, can pay to receive a “personalized greeting” from Trump or his wife. Greetings from Melania in the nude cost more, nude greetings from Donald are standard.

Police are dealing with a juvenile crime wave along the Atlantic City boardwalk. They remain on the lookout for suspects looking to redeem over 2 million skee-ball tickets.

A Southwest Airlines pilot is accused of indecent exposure on a flight from Philadelphia to Orlando. He later resigned, but argues he was in the right because he’d turned off the fasten zipper sign.

Actress Thandiwe Newton – formerly Thandie – is now reclaiming her original name. Casting directors are catching on, sending emails reading “Hi Thandiwe – we gave the part to Zoe Saldana instead”.

Walgreens violated guidance by giving second doses of Pfizer COVID-19 vaccines four weeks after the first dose – not three – because it was easier. They agreed to adjust to three weeks, unless a customer has a Buy One Get One Free coupon, in which case they’ll give both doses at once.

A toxic wastewater reservoir in central Florida is at risk of collapse, releasing a wave of water that could destroy local fish & wildlife. They’re hoping to prevent the damage by pumping out 100 million gallons of toxic water per day, and transferring it to a local Dasani bottling plant.

Harvey Weinstein is appealing his rape conviction in New York, claiming witnesses were chosen to make him appear ‘loathsome’. Prosecutors disagree, saying they chose witnesses to make him appear ‘gross’.