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Taylor Swift is expected to testify in a wrongful dismissal lawsuit brought by a former Denver radio DJ. The DJ claims that he was fired after being accused of grabbing Swift’s buttocks at an area appearance; he denies the claim, saying he came up empty-handed.

Actor Tom Wopat was arrested in Waltham Massachusetts after allegedly placing his finger between a woman’s buttocks during a summer stage rehearsal. Wopat, known to millions as Luke Duke from ‘The Dukes of Hazzard’, says that he was merely pushing up Daisy’s Dukes.

The U.S. Senate, prior to adjourning for August break, took steps to prevent President Trump from making recess appointments — fearing that he may remove Attorney General Jeff Sessions or Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump, confused over the meaning of “recess appointments” cancelled a visit from the guy who does his hair plugs.

President Trump started a 17-day vacation in New Jersey, finally giving Democrats the ammunition they need to question his mental stability.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced an aggressive crackdown on leaks of classified government information, as stated in a Washington Post interview with his cleaning lady.

An Alabama Muslim organization is demanding an investigation into a Decatur, AL McDonald’s location, which allegedly put bacon on all 14 McChicken sandwiches ordered by a Muslim family.  A man named in the complaint said he vomited twice after tasting the bacon. McDonald’s fired back, saying vomiting their food happens all the time.

Nielsen announces that it will now incorporate data from televisions in bars, gyms and airports when calculating its TV ratings. The biggest ratings gainer? Sports. The biggest loser? Everything your wife likes to watch.

TLC Network responded to a critical Tweet from Derrick Dillard, star of TLC’s Duggar family spinoff ‘Counting On’, in which he referred to transgender life as a “myth”. The Tweet indirectly referenced Jazz Jennings, transgender female star of TLC’s ‘I Am Jazz’. A TLC executive said that Dillard’s views do not represent those of TLC, adding that the network proudly exploits all of its on-air personalities equally.

A tech startup is hoping to solve the opioid crisis with a wearable device that uses electrical pulses to reduce pain. Results are mixed; with some users reporting reduced pain, while others overdose on electricity with forks and toasters.

Over 100 sexual abuse lawsuits have been brought against Roman Catholic priests on the island of Guam. Pope Francis asked what took them so long.

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Amazon is in trouble for shipping products to the Iranian Embassy. The illegal shipments were detected when U.S. Intelligence operatives heard Iranian Embassy workers ask Alexa where they could get plutonium and automatic weapons.

Unconfirmed reports state that Beyonce is interested in acquiring a stake in the NBA Houston Rockets. Players on the Houston Rockets said that they’d be really excited to acquire a stake in Beyonce.

Rookie New York Jets safety Jamal Adams stirred controversy when asked about player head injuries and CTE at a fan forum; Adams replied “literally, if I had a perfect place to die, it would be on the field.” As a member of the 2017 Jets, Adams can look forward to getting killed on the field, off of it, and most days in the Sports section.

Donald Trump Tweeted that he will continue to use social media to reach over 100 million followers, saying it’s the only way he can “get the truth out.” Meaning, out of his way.

Trump reacted to recent nuclear missile advances by North Korea saying simply “we’ll handle it.” Which instills the same confidence as hearing a Dad who can’t tell XBox from Playstation saying he’ll “handle” buying video games for his kid’s birthday.

The Emoji Movie made almost $25 Million at the weekend box office, despite its dismal 7% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, because it’s a long summer and Mommy needs her alone time while Dad takes you kids to the matinee.

The Wall Street Journal reports that New Jersey is losing Millennial workers – Millennials are described as preferring to work at offices close to where they socialize, and they prefer to socialize anywhere but New Jersey.

New England Patriots Julian Edelman and Stephon Gilmore were kicked out of practice for fighting. The fight started when Patriots veteran Edelman accused the newly-acquired Gilmore of not cheating hard enough.

A place kicker for the University of Central Florida lost his NCAA eligibility because he was being paid for videos on his YouTube channel. He promised to continue producing the make-up videos.

Burning Man Festival finally received its permit from the Federal Bureau of Land Management, and the festival will go on. Parts of the location had been flooded, leading organizers to either postpone the festival, or change it to Peeing Man.

  • One of the big art installations featured this year at Burning Man is a 14 foot pyramid constructed with gummy bears. The pyramid will be surrounded by armed guards to ward off Burners who get the munchies.

Jared Kushner told a group of White House Interns that the Trump Campaign couldn’t have colluded with the Russians because they were too disorganized. And if there’s one thing Kushner knows about the Russians, it’s that he’s indebted to them for tens of millions of dollars.

 

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Michael Kors acquired Jimmy Choo for $1.2 billion cash, making women everywhere happy that someone is blowing more money on shoes than they are.

North Korea abruptly cancelled its annual Beer Festival. Worse,  the Anheuser Busch Brand Ambassadors who had already arrived with ‘America’ cans of Budweiser are missing.

Gardner, Maine has enacted a policy where citizens that collect a full bag of trash can trade the bag for free marijuana – giving new meaning to “garbage weed”.

  • For now the town is cleaner than ever, but officials are worried that stoners may litter the town overnight to make work for free pot.

Donald Trump used Twitter to insult Attorney General Jeff Sessions, calling him “beleaguered” and “weak” for his failure to investigate Hillary Clinton. Sessions thinks he’s doing a great job, since he hasn’t used his verified Twitter account in 3 years.

As he was blasting Sessions, Trump addressed the National Boy Scout Jamboree, and read aloud the Boy Scout Oath, pausing at ‘loyalty’ to say “we could use more loyalty”.  The scouts presented Trump with an official jackknife and a Backstabbing merit badge.

John McCain returned to the Senate just a week after brain surgery to cast his vote for a Motion To Proceed on healthcare, and addressed the Senate after the vote. He slammed the Senate for partisan stalemates and urged a more unified bipartisan approach to governance. The speech was well-received, and proved the American people were right by thinking every U.S. Senator should have their head examined.

President Trump spoke to the press after the vote, calling the 51-50 vote passage of the procedural Motion to Proceed “the hard part to get”, despite the bill not yet being debated or amended for passage. Which is like calling the flight to Hawaii “the hard part” of completing an Ironman Triathlon.

Trump opened a different Monday speech saying that Obamacare has been “wreaking havoc for 17 years” despite being passed in 2010. Trump corrected himself, saying he didn’t mean Obamacare, he meant Y2K.

Bush’s Baked Beans recalled some of its hickory smoked beans for damaged cans, while continuing to let their other varieties damage consumers’ cans, and clothing, and furniture.

  • A spokesman said that eating the recalled beans should not create any side effects other than “the usual”.

Microsoft squelched rumors that it was discontinuing Microsoft Paint after 32 years, saying it would continue to support the app. This relieved loyalists; Paint has over 100 million monthly users, and is the world’s #1 app for drawing penises on JPEGs.

A Buddhist temple in Myanmar sunk amidst torrential rains. “We know it’s wrong to want material things, but that sucked.” said Buddhists.

Justin Bieber’s China concerts were cancelled by the country’s Minister of Culture, due to the artist’s “bad behavior”. Asked to specify which bad behavior, the Minister said “mostly singing.”

Jared Kushner testified to the Senate about his involvement with Russians during the Trump 2016 Presidential campaign. Afterward he addressed the press, saying that his request to create secret communications channels with the Russians after the election served as proof that he didn’t have them before. Which is like taking a side piece after your wedding and saying it proved what a great guy you were before you got married.

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Michael Phelps lost his race with a great white shark during an event to kick off Discovery Channel Shark Week. The result is not yet official, since the shark has yet to submit a urine sample.

  • Phelps told Jimmy Fallon he wished he could have swam in the open water instead of a protective cage. The shark agreed.

An alligator was spotted and captured swimming near a pier in Miami Beach. Alligators are fresh water creatures, but experts assume it left for the beach because there are more people to eat there.

Donald Trump dedicated the newest naval aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. Somehow the aircraft carrier received a 35% approval rating in a Washington Post poll.

Reports say Trump has been consulting his legal experts regarding the extent of his Presidential power to pardon. Given the number of family and staff under Federal investigation, “A Thousand Pardons” may go from being an Asian cliche to being Trump’s exit strategy.

Chris Froome won his 3rd consecutive Tour de France. Froome said his title effort took a lot of tainted blood, tainted sweat & tainted tears.

The Department of Labor ordered Wells Fargo Bank to rehire a manager who acted as whistleblower in the company’s fake account scandal, and to pay her $577,500 in back wages. Wells Fargo plans to appeal the ruling and will place the money in six checking accounts that she never asked for.

The robbery of a Fresno CA Starbucks by a man wearing a Transformers mask was foiled when a customer hit him over the head with a chair. The Decepticon was captured and the hero transformed back in to a cappuccino machine.

A Detroit real estate company ad sparked outrage. The Bedrock Detroit outdoor ad with the slogan “See Detroit Like We Do” depicted mostly white people, despite the City of Detroit being 82% black. The ad was removed, and still nobody is all that interested in seeing Detroit.

The Estate of Albert Einstein corrected an Ivanka Trump tweet, which incorrectly attributed a quote “If the facts don’t support the theory, change the facts” to Einstein, even though he never said it. Ivanka replied “there you go, changing the facts.”

Snooty, the world’s oldest manatee in captivity, died just days after his 69th birthday – as the nationwide opioid epidemic claims yet another victim.

Warner Bros and DC Comics announced a Wonder Woman sequel at San Diego Comic Con, after meeting Diana Prince’s demands to be paid ‘Bruce Wayne money’.

 

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Bridal gown retailer Alfred Angelo suddenly declared bankruptcy, leaving over 7,500 brides who had bought their dresses angry, and 7,500 grooms faking being just as angry.

The 8th person at the infamous Donald Trump Jr. meeting with Russians at Trump Tower has been identified. He is ‘The Guy Who Reserved The Conference Room They’re In, Asking If They’re Almost Done Or If He Should Just Use A Different Room.’

The GOP Better Care Act appears to be doomed, as more Republican Senators pull their support. An angry President Trump said that Congress should Let Obamacare Die — which, coincidentally, is the name selected for the GOP’s 3rd Version of a health care bill.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller told the Senate Judiciary Committee that they could call Donald Trump Jr and Paul Manafort to testify publicly about their interactions with the Russians. Committee Democrats were not available for comment, at least until they returned from a trip to Home Depot to buy pitchforks and torches.

A team of teenage Afghan women – initially barred from entering the U.S. – arrived to compete in the first Global Robotics Challenge in Washington D.C. Their robot is capable of gathering and sorting balls by color. No plans for a trip to The White House, since the robot would be incapable of finding any balls to sort.

Chipotle stock dropped 6% as reports surfaced of norovirus at a restaurant in Virginia. The restaurant closed temporarily to be completely sanitized. Customers who insisted on eating tainted food anyway were directed to nearby Arby’s and Taco Bell locations.

A retired Nevada corrections officer described the prison housing OJ Simpson as “a cruise ship with barbed wire.” In other words, a Carnival Cruise ship.

WalMart apologized for racist language on its website. The color of a cap for sale there was listed as “ni**er brown”. The listing for the cap was pulled entirely, even though “ni**er brown was outselling “cracker white” by ten-to-one.

Embark Veterinary, a canine genetics testing startup, has raised $4.5 million. It’s one of the first of its kind to offer genetics reports for dogs, similar to those offered for humans like Ancestry.com or 23andMe. The purpose is for dog owners to better understand the health needs of their pets, and for dogs to have boring conversations just like Ancestry.com customers do.

  • The founders considered offering similar reports for cats, before concluding that nobody cared.

Harley Davidson execs gave a disappointing sales forecast for the year, while saying they planned to lay off 5,400 employees. Those laid off workers will be given outplacement and discounts on choppers they can ride until they find themselves, mannnnnn…

  • Execs blamed the sales decline on lower volumes of middle managers who dream of being in Hells Angels.

Pizza Hut announced it’s hiring 14,000 new drivers. 13,000 to deliver pizzas, and 1,000 to drive customers to the emergency room.

The bodies of a Swiss couple who disappeared 75 years ago were found at the edge of a melting glacier. The couple, Marcelin and Francine Doumoulin, went to milk cows in a meadow and never returned. Their bodies were found in excellent condition, but unfortunately, the milk was sour.

Fox News host Sean Hannity slammed Fox News Anchor Shepard Smith, saying he is “so anti-Trump”…the first case of the Fair Pot calling the Balanced Kettle black.

A new study states that Millennials are more willing to use credit to buy experiences, as opposed to incurring debt for material things. Among the experiences millennials cited are travel, learning new skills, and bankruptcy court.

 

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Apple unveiled its latest round of new emoji, including a breastfeeding mom and a woman in a headscarf. Mike Pence’s wife Karen immediately took away his iPhone.

  • Other additions include a “mind blown” face, and a face spewing green vomit, part of the “Make America Great Again” emoji bundle.

This week is “Made In America” week as declared by President Trump, with all states sending items to The White House that were made in that state. Georgia sent food from Chick Fil A, and Arizona sent golf clubs from PING Golf – at which point the President told all the remaining states not to bother.

  • New York and the District of Columbia sent their latest creations – fact-based stories from the New York Times and Washington Post about Trump & Russia.

Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met a 2 month old baby, born to Syrian refugees living in Canada, named Justin-Trudeau Adam Bilau, as he attended a rodeo in Calgary. Meanwhile last June, Donald Trump met a 39 year old baby named Donald Trump Jr, born to one of his ex-wives, right after he conferenced with Russian operatives in New York.

President Trump’s overall job approval rating dropped to 38%, the lowest of any President six months in to his term recorded in the last hundred years. Trump criticized the poll and said he was waiting for Nielsen ratings.

Subway announced they’re looking to freshen up the appearance of their stores to help halt declining sales. Subway’s CEO said that they require franchisees to update their facilities every 7 to 10 years, and update their meat & rolls every 10 to 15 years.

O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing is scheduled for this Thursday. If granted, O.J. is eligible for release on October 1st, and available for cameos in Adam Sandler movies on October 2nd.

A stunt man fell to his death on the set of The Walking Dead. He was recast an hour later as an extra.

Honda released its newly-redesigned 2018 Honda Accord sedan. “Cool!” said your Dad.

A million dollars worth of marijuana was found in spare tire compartments of Ford Fusions assembled in Mexico. The DEA is investigating, but meanwhile Ford is reporting record sales of the Fusion Special El Chapo Edition.

Ed Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the season premiere of Game of Thrones, playing a soldier leading other soldiers in a singalong…until a guy came along and changed the station to a different group of soldiers.

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Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”

 

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Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell has delayed the Senate’s August recess in hope of getting the GOP Health Care Bill revised and passed. McConnell is waiting for D.C. to become hot as hell before attempting to get it to freeze over.

In the wake of the revelation that Donald Trump Jr met with a Russian lawyer to gather ‘dirt’ on Hillary Clinton, his father, Donald Trump, released a statement describing his son as a “high quality person”. Trump became the first sitting President to defend his child via a 3 1/2 star Yelp! review.

Donald Trump Jr stated that he released the heretofore private emails in the interest of offering “transparency”. Which is like a guy getting caught in a prostitution sting and emailing the evidence to his wife, because “transparency” fixes everything.

Warren Buffett donated $3.2 Billion in Berkshire Hathaway shares to charity. President Trump said that he, too, would donate billions to charity if he wasn’t being audited..and if he actually had billions of dollars.

80 Florida beachgoers formed a human chain to save a family from drowning in rip currents. 70 were tourists, 5 were lifeguards, and 5 sold ice cream as the chain formed.

Spain’s Iberia Airlines is under fire for requiring pregnancy tests from female applicants for flight attendant positions. The carrier defended the practice, saying they wanted to give some good news to select applicants that didn’t get the job.

  • United Airlines defended the practice, saying it’s extremely difficult for pregnant flight attendants to drag passengers off of planes.

A Watertown, NY man has constructed a “Blessing Box” – an unlocked food pantry located on his front lawn – to help the less fortunate. He claims that he’s helped feed dozens of needy families, and countless raccoons.

Facebook hinted at plans to add advertisements to its Messenger chat app — at least until you figure out how to Leave The Conversation.

Shares of Snapchat have fallen below their $17 IPO price amidst mounting losses. Owners of Snapchat stock now have an exclusive filter where they can make themselves look like jackasses.

The University of Washington has created a prototype mobile phone that doesn’t require a battery. The phone runs on ambient radio waves and solar power. The good news is that there’s no battery; the bad news is that on rainy days you lose your charger.

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A fugitive from a South Carolina prison used wire cutters dropped from a drone as part of his escape plan. He was captured in Texas, but prison officials are now banning inmates from joining Amazon Prime.

The World Health Organization issued a warning regarding a new antibiotic-resistant strain of Gonorrhea, dealing yet another blow to the already-reeling tourism business of Atlantic City, NJ.

Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump met at the G20 Summit in Hamburg. The meeting was scheduled for 45 minutes but lasted over two hours — the extra time was used for Putin to edit and approve Trump’s tweets.

  •  At one point, Melania Trump entered the meeting in an attempt to end it. The President told her she’d just have to go see the Spider Man movie without him.

Vice President Mike Pence was photographed touching equipment at the NASA Kennedy Space Center clearly marked with at DO NOT TOUCH sign. He was embarrassed, and also worried that he may have been touching a female rocket.

A Kenyan marathoner attending college in Maine said that he had to escape two black bears he encountered during a training run. The bears pursued him, but eventually gave up after getting shin splints.

Activists are planning sit-ins to protest the GOP Health Care Bill, which they feel will prevent them from two-hour sit-ins in the waiting room of their doctor.

Workers at Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello believe they’re unearthed slave living quarters once occupied by Sally Hemmings. They found walls, a fireplace, and notes on the bed signed by Tommy Baby.

Sears & KMart announced they’re closing over 40 more stores, part of their “Going Out Of Business Any Day Now” Sale.