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A mother of 8 was sentenced to prison for her role in the January 6th riots. She told her family before she was taken into custody that four years of dinners are in the fifty freezers she bought.

Miami fourth graders were ‘distraught’ and a mental health counselor was hired after R-rated slasher film Winnie the Pooh: Blood & Honey was shown to them during class. “Hey, still beats multiplication tables” said several of the not-that-traumatized kids.

X, formerly Twitter, is charging $1 to new users in Philippines & New Zealand. Not to be outdone, Facebook is charging $5 to users in those countries to uninstall it.

In a text exchange with Elon Musk, Kanye West said he has autism symptoms from a car accident. This isn’t medically possible, but nevertheless, the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration recalled all Rolls Royce Spectrum models.

A Great Dane named Meadow delivered a record litter of 15 puppies at a North Carolina animal shelter. Three area hounds were swabbed for saliva before a one-of-a-kind special episode of Maury to see who is the father.

Trump ally Sidney Powell entered a surprise guilty plea in the Georgia election interference case and is expected to testify for the prosecution. Powell said it was either that, or be represented by Rudy Giuliani.

ABC’s Good Morning America will vacate its current studio and relocate to a new headquarters building constructed by parent company Disney. Instead of Times Square, the show will now be broadcast from Space Mountain.

Jada Pinkett Smith said she built a space where she could have romantic encounters when her children were little. She called it a sex room with Will Smith, and an Entanglements Room with other visitors.

A woman broke her finger attempting to catch a home run at the Philadelphia Phillies playoff game. Her boyfriend broke his finger when she sat back down.

In a new autobiography, Britney Spears claims Adderall to be her drug of choice in the mid-00s. She said the drug gave her a high, made her feel less depressed , and allowed her to really focus on finding good cheeseburgers.

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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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The FDA approved the first-ever pill to treat postpartum depression. It’s a sleeping pill for babies.

Chris Christie returned from an unannounced trip to Ukraine and spoke of the atrocities he experienced there – like seeing a blown-up McDonald’s in Kyiv.

Elon Musk said his ‘cage match’ with Mark Zuckerberg may be delayed. He’s getting an MRI on his neck and upper back to see if they’ve been damaged by carrying around his fat head.

Amidst a record-breaking heat wave, an oncoming typhoon will force the evacuation of 40,000 youths & adults at the World Scout Jamboree in South Korea. No scouts have died, but if they do, organizers are promising posthumous merit badges.

Lightning strikes in the area forced a delayed start to Beyonce’s Washington, DC concert. A shelter-in-place order was issued to concertgoers, and performers were ordered to twerk-in-place.

A Florida man was arrested after his wife’s remains were found in three separate suitcases and a tote bag. The tote bag was so he could stow her head under the seat in front of him.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was heckled to ‘retire’ during the entirety of a five-minute speech in his home state. The speech consisted of “Good”, 4 minutes & 58 seconds of silence, and “morning”.

A Smith & Wesson revolver owned by Elvis Presley is up for auction, where it’s expected to sell for between $60,00-90,000. It features custom engraving, an embossed bald eagle, and a lot of peanut butter on the handle & barrel.

A bear being transported on an Iraqi Airways flight from Dubai to Baghdad exited his crate prior to departure, forcing all passengers to deplane while they decided who’d sit next to it once he was upgraded to Business Class.

A transgender Michigan woman is demanding her ex-boyfriend return her surgically-removed testicles, which she says he’s keeping in his refrigerator. Or at least move them to the freezer, since their Best By date is getting close.

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In an Instagram video, a recovering Jamie Foxx thanked his family for “keeping it airtight” during his hospitalization for an undisclosed serious illness. He also thanked his doctors for overruling his family and allowing him to get air.

Elon Musk changed Twitter to X. In a side-by-side test, 200 people preferred neither Threads nor brand X.

Musk allegedly wanted to change the name to Xfinity, but was disappointed to learn there was already a brand with that name which is universally loved by everyone.

Tom Brady is rumored to be romantically involved with actress/model Emily Ratajkowski. Friends say she’s perfect for him, since he loves tight ends whose names end in -kowski.

‘Barbie’ dominated the domestic movie box office over the weekend. Hollywood studios scrambled to see if there are any other toys laying around, and Paramount announced production of a live action Silly Putty movle.

An expert claims the impulses that lead someone to become a serial sexual murderer begin around adolescence. So parents, keep an eye on your 13-year-old son after he gets turned down five times for the big Eighth Grade Dance.

Spotify is raising its subscription prices by $1 per month, to the delight of artists who will see their per-track royalty soar from $0.000032 to $0.000034.

ESPN soccer commentator Shaka Hislop is recovering after collapsing on-air prior to a women’s World Cup match. Referees gave the other commentator standing next to him a yellow card.

A Florida sexual predator was arrested just one day in to his supervised release after removing his ankle monitor. He explained that he had to do it, otherwise he could damage the trampolines at Sky Zone.

An illegal immigrant from Cuba who decapitated his girlfriend has been found Not Guilty at trial due to mental illness. His lawyers successfully argued that he lost his head too.

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A Tennessee pastor stole $250,000 from a food bank he founded to pay for prostitutes. The pastor claims he just wanted to grab as many cans as he could.

Twitter is three months behind on rent at their Colorado offices. The local sheriff plans to present an eviction notice once he finds someone who Elon Musk hasn’t fired.

Repairs to the collapsed 100-foot section of Interstate 95 outside of Philadelphia begin today. Pennsylvania’s Department of Transportation is accepting bids for anyone wishing to dispose of a body during construction.

The manager of the Harvard Medical School morgue is charged with the theft and sale of human body parts. The manager of the Cornell Medical School morgue is charged with the theft and sale of brains that couldn’t get in to Harvard.

The search history of a Kouri Richins – a Utah mom who allegedly murdered her husband with a fentanyl-laced cocktail – included “what is a lethal dose of fentanyl?” & “luxury prisons for the rich”. She also searched “nearest Nordstrom Rack” because she needed a new outfit for her court appearance.

Bill Cosby was sued by nine more women for decades-old sexual assaults. A different woman thought about suing him for a recent attempted one, but didn’t as she was able to walk away because he’s blind and doesn’t move too quickly these days.

Video captured the dramatic surrender of a Russian soldier, who raised his arms to a camera-equipped Ukrainian military drone. The soldier had already mistakenly raised his arms to surrender to three different Amazon delivery drones.

The average 401(k) balance now tops $112,000 according to a new report. This is the first time average 401(k) balances exceed the $110,000 average student loan balance that Gen Z grads have no intention of repaying.

UPS and the Teamsters union representing drivers agreed to the gradual installation of air conditioning in the carrier’s fleet of 95,000 trucks. Women UPS drivers expressed disappointment as negotiations broke down in their quest for heated seats.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open takes place at Los Angeles Country Club – located adjacent to the Playboy Mansion. Players arrived early in the week to try and get in a few extra holes.

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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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Elon Musk announced he’d hired a woman to be the new CEO of Twitter for the two months until she quits.

A former Marine who choked a New York subway passenger to death will face a manslaughter charge. The Metropolitan Transit Authority that runs the subway is concerned this could lead to criminal charges against them for everyone who chokes on the stench of urine.

The Writers Guild of America strike is threatening to cancel the Tony Awards – meaning Broadway performers may not win trophies for performances in plays & musicals written fifty years ago.

One of two male escapees from a Philadelphia prison was arrested in the city, disguised in female Muslim apparel. He was captured without incident, except for his sister screaming that she wanted her hijab back.

A buxom woman appeared to give a lap dance to a man at a Philadelphia Phillies game. The team’s ticket office was bombarded with requests from other men wondering how they could get tickets in the Champagne Section.

ABC announced replacement hosts for Amy Robach & T.J. Holmes after the two were fired for their extramarital affair. Eva Pilgrim & DeMarco Morgan were chosen, after ABC execs concluded the two have absolutely zero romantic chemistry.

A Florida McDonald’s was found liable for second-degree burn injuries suffered by a girl after a hot McNugget from a Happy Meal fell on her leg. A jury concluded the restaurant did not provide safe handling instructions for Chicken McNuggets – including warnings that the product is hot, flavorless and probably shouldn’t be eaten.

A flower delivery service is incorporating AI to write poems on a card for Mother’s Day. Customers are warned to be very specific that the flowers are for Mother’s Day, so the poem doesn’t include “last night was amazing”.

Google Maps is rolling out Immersive View, so you can see full, multidimensional imagery and weather at all of the bathroom stops your wife & kids will make you take along the way.

Vanna White lost to Jeopardy! hosts Mayim Bialik and Ken Jennings during her first-ever time playing Wheel Of Fortune during a celebrity tournament. White admitted she had a hard time remembering letters without being able to touch them first.

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Following a user poll, Elon Musk reinstated Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Trump has yet to use his account because he wants to support his own Truth Social, and because he’s been unsuccessful navigating Twitter’s Reset Password process.

Analysts at Yelp compiled their list of The 10 Best Dive Bars in New York City. Establishments qualified as ‘dive bars’ by virtue of offering a martini priced under $20.

Tanya Herbert of Houston, Texas is now recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as having the largest feet for a woman, 13 inches long and a size 18. Guinness officials also confirmed a Bigfoot sighting in a Houston area TJ Maxx.

A mountain lion attacked and killed a chihuahua after the owner finished walking the dog near their Hollywood Hills, California home. The mountain lion was described as “still hungry”.

A woman gave birth to twins from embryos frozen 30 years ago. The twins are both healthy despite being labeled ‘Best if used by 10/92’.

An international consulting firm study states employers will be giving employees their biggest salary increases in 15 years – telling workers who get Meets Expectations on their annual review to brace for a whopping 1.1% increase instead of 1.0%.

Chimpanzees are capable of sharing experiences with each other, a trait once thought to be only exhibited by humans. Researchers made the discovery after watching chimps share boring pictures with other chimps of their camping trip.

Producers of the American Music Awards cancelled Chris Brown’s planned medley & dance tribute to Michael Jackson. Apparently in rehearsals, whenever Brown got to Beat It, all of the women ran away.

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Expansion football league XFL announced team names and logos for their inaugural 2023 season, including the St. Louis Battlehawks, San Antonio Brahmans and D.C. Defenders. Mid-season they’ll be joined by the Philadelphia Bankruptcy Lawyers.

Under new owner Elon Musk, Twitter will require verified users to pay $8/month to keep their blue checkmark or they’ll get kicked off. Donald Trump is expected to rejoin Twitter and accumulate $24 in debt he won’t pay by February.

Kanye West says he “hasn’t gotten supermodel pussy” in over a month. A dejected Candace Owens no longer thinks she’s a supermodel.

A Stanford University student serving as sports mascot The Tree was suspended from their role for holding a sign reading ‘Stanford Hates Fun’ during halftime of a football game. The student was ordered to shed their leaves and became The Deciduous Tree.

A study of mice finds a link between nose-picking and Alzheimer’s. Senior mice dispute the study, saying its just harder for them to find tissues to blow their nose.

Scientists identified a gene that is responsible for ‘uncombable hair syndrome’ – specifically, anyone carrying DNA in common with KISS bassist Gene Simmons.

Retired professional boxer Goran Gogic was arrested and charged with trafficking over a billion dollars worth of cocaine. Gocic was photographed shirtless next to 20 tons of coke at the weigh-in.

Two Philadelphia eateries – Angelo’s Pizza and Mike’s BBQ – refused to provide catered meals to the visiting Houston Astros during the World Series. In other news, Philadelphia eateries including scrapple with breakfast catering were charged for trying to poison the Astros.

‘Dancing With The Stars‘ professional Cheryl Burke said in an interview that her high school boyfriend badly bruised her legs by whipping them with a belt while his parents watched. On the plus side, it made her learn the latin hustle before the big homecoming dance.

A leading career consultant advises workers to stop saying “I’m sorry” after making an error at work, which makes you appear weak. Instead they recommend other phrases like “I take full responsibility”, “How can I improve?”, and “F**k you, I’m planning to quit anyway”.