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French Olympic pole vaulter Anthony Ammirati became a viral sensation after it appeared the bulge of his penis dislodged the bar during an attempt. He’s now dealing with rumors that he’s gay after the world clearly saw that rod-on-rod action.

Joaquin Guzman Lopez, son of Sinaloa Cartel drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested and charged with drug trafficking and money laundering. He pled not guilty in a Chicage court, where DEA agents called him a Chipo Off the El Chapo.

Los Angeles, California police are patrolling the Champs Elysees in Paris during the Summer Olympics. They say the scenery is marvelous, but they’re kind of bored without as many unarmed persons of color to shoot.

Aerosmith announced they will stop tourning because frontman Steven Tyler can no longer sing. However, Motley Crue announced they will continue touring despite frontman Vince Neil being unable to sing for the last twenty years.

An 82-year-old employee who’s worked at a Las Vegas McDonald’s for 15 years said he continues to work because he can’t afford to retire. He said he contributes to a 401k but was shocked to learn his contributions were matched with french fries.

Following the resignation of two different Miss USAs, Michigan’s Alma Cooper assumed the title. If she also chooses to resign, the crown will be given to the entrant with the next-largest breasts.

The first fatal crash of a Tesla Cybertruck was reported in Texas. The driver could have been saved, but most people driving by the wreck assumed a refrigerator had fallen off the delivery truck.

At Knowwhere Farm in Chesterfield, New Jersey, visitors can come hug a cow named Moo for free. Meanwhile at the Atlantic City Boardwalk, one named Dakota will hug you and do other stuff for around fifty dollars.

One million dollars worth of cocaine was reportedly blown on to a Florida Keys beach by Tropical Storm Debby. The storm was so powerful it was able to dislodge the cocaine from the rectums of people smuggling it on their boat.

Google was found to have a search engine monopoly in an anti-trust suit lodged by the Justice Department, and by guys who turned off SafeSearch and still ended up getting the same porn over and over again.

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Wells Fargo will not renew their naming rights for Philadelphia’s Wells Fargo Center, home to the NBA’s Philadelphia 76ers, the NHL’s Philadelphia Flyers, and much of the city’s disappointment.

Southwest Airlines announced a big policy change and will begin assigning seats. They’ll still allow a free-for-all at boarding, then pissy flight attendants will make people move.

A Wawa in Richboro, Pennsylvania caused thousands of dollars in damage to cars by selling contaminated fuel. Customers also complained of contaminated gas after consuming their meatball hoagies and pizza.

Scurry County in West Texas allegedly recorded 61 earthquakes in 7 days. Women sitting on the floor there looked at their husbands and boyfriends and asked “what do I need you for?”

Boars Head recalled salami, bologna & liverwurst due to listeria. It’s already sickened multiple school kids and day laborers with terrible made-at-home lunches.

HGTV star of ‘Flip or Flop’ and ‘Christina On The Coast’ Christina Haack announced she’s divorcing third husband Josh Hall, adding “it’s personal”, but that we’ll know all of the personal details if we just watch her show.

McDonald’s missed their quarterly earnings estimates, despite a broad cost-cutting initiative to leave the fries out of the bag at the drive-thru.

Chick-fil-A debunked a rumor that they’re removing waffle fries from the menu. However they have yet to contradict a rumor that employees will replace the popular phrase “my pleasure” with “go f*** yourself”.

Twin sisters from Detroit celebrated their 100th birthday. They said they’ve lived amazing lives and have fulfilled many of their dreams, with the exception of getting the hell out of Detroit.

A United Airlines flight from Houston to Boston was diverted because of a ‘biohazard’ that made flight attendants vomit and passengers beg for masks. A United spokesperson said they plan to petition the Houston airport to close the Indian food buffet.

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A study finds users of weight loss drug Wegovy maintain lower weight for up to four years – but are advised to hang on to those old pants just in case.

Joe Biden offered to debate Donald Trump with specific conditions, including that there not be an audience, that microphones cut off after alotted speaking time, and that the whole thing is wrapped up before 7pm bedtime.

McDonald’s is ending their policy of free drink refills, and reminding everybody they never had a free french fry refill policy to begin with.

Tree ring analysis was used to determine 2023 as the hottest summer in 2000 years. Then the scientists were arrested for cutting down 2000-year-old trees.

Graduates of Dyouville University in Buffalo, New York were given a commencement address by a robot using artificial intelligence. The robot told them to hurry up and leave town before winter.

Walgreens is offering its own cheaper version of opioid overdose drug naloxone. You get one free with every 10 oxy contin refills.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai demonstrated the company’s new Gemini AI, which has been updated to share more information, interact with others, find objects around the house, make schedules and do shopping. When he was done, dozens of single men & women proposed to Gemini.

The Portal – identical sculptures in Dublin & New York connected via live streaming video – has been temporarily shut down due to on-camera users flashing body parts, and because kids in both cities skip school to visit it hoping to see women & men flash body parts.

The sun shot out its biggest solar flare in two decades – then rolled over and lit a cigarette.

A Florida dentist faces calls to lose his license after publicly calling Jews “worse than Nazis” and calling on Allah to ‘annhilate’ them. Worse, he had the statements printed on the free toothbrushes he hands out to patients.

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Buffalo Wild Wings opened its 100th takeout & delivery ‘Go’ location, and says one-third of its sales are made outside of sit-down restaurants. Now 33% of customers say “this food sucks” to themselves in living rooms instead of to BWW servers.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 72 and wife Theresa Nist, 70 are ending their marriage after just three months. It’s the Early Bird Special Divorce.

All of O.J. Simpson’s children visited him before he died, but they were not allowed to have their cell phones with them, and were required to sign non-disclosure agreements. O.J. then confessed that Hertz wasn’t the best rental car agency.

Apple upgraded its AirTag functionality to allow sharing of the tracking devices with up to five people. Now you can enlist friends to help you stalk your ex-spouse or partner.

Vietnam real estate tycoon Truong My Lan was sentenced to death after she defrauded the nation’s banks out of $12.5 billion, or 304 trillion dong. Residents said they could only dream of seeing that many dongs.

Earlier this week, the terms ‘eclipse’; ‘total eclipse’; and ‘eclipse sex’ were the top 3 searches on Pornhub. For those curious, eclipse sex is intercourse with a partner so big you can’t see one of them.

Viral video shows an exchange at a Florida airport with a Spirit Airlines employee saying “F**k you, too!” while reviewing a woman’s boarding pass. A spokesperson for Spirit Airlines explained this is the official greeting for Spirit’s frequent flyers.

Errors were corrected to the base of a statue honoring the late Kobe Bryant, including some statistics in the engraved box score of Bryant’s 81-point game, and a statement claiming he never sexually assaulted anyone.

A grease fire in the kitchen of The Tamron Hall Show forced the evacuation of her studio, and The View, which films in an adjacent studio. The fire was extinguished without incident, and Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar fought over who got the french fries.

17 countries were ranked in terms of the size of women’s buttocks, with South Africa having the biggest, India the smallest, and the U.S. ranked 6th. Curiously, Brazil was omitted, because the researchers just wanted to give other countries a chance.

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The insurer providing Donald Trump’s $175 million appeal bond following his New York financial fraud conviction may not be approved to provide the money, since paperwork accompanying the bond revealed two-thirds of it to be Kohl’s Cash.

“My eyes hurt” was a top Google search term following the total solar eclipse. Another was ‘O vamt srr’ .. which is believed to be an attempt to search “I can’t see”.

Sex hormones from male fetuses reportedly shape the behavior of female fetuses when they share a womb. The females reportedly turn their backs on the males so they don’t have to see what gross stuff they’re doing.

Google rolled out their new Find My Device network, which allows owners to track their phones and other connected products. This follows the decades-long success of their ubiquitous Find My Personal Information And Profit From It network.

Country singer Morgan Wallen was arrested for throwing a chair off a six-story-high Nashville bar rooftop, just missing police standing on the sidewalk below. Wallen was identified to cops by the woman who grabbed on to a ledge while sitting in the chair.

Using a salt substitute for 10 years will improve heart health and prolong your life, according to a new study. However, the french fries you put it on will still kill you.

The NBA Charlotte Hornets will interview Lindsey Harding for their head coaching job, which would make her the first-ever female NBA head coach. Then they’ll interview three guys who got fired from other NBA teams and pick one of them.

Following a sting operation, a mother/daughter duo in Houston, Texas were arrested for performing illegal butt injections. Houston Police also announced a promotion to Detective for the undercover officer with a really flat butt.

Kourtney Kardashian shared a post-partum bikini pic. Although maternity ward nurses weren’t thrilled helping her put it on four minutes after she gave birth.

A 58-year-old Canadian mother of five broke the Guinness World Record for women by holding an abdominal plank position for 4.5 hours. She accepted her certificate, then spent a few minutes mopping up the gym mat she used.

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A large hole blew open in the passenger cabin of an Alaska Airlines jet mid-flight, sucking off the shirt of a boy seated nearby. It’s the first time a boy’s clothing has been sucked off in-flight since the Vatican’s annual Altar Boys Trip to Greece.

Following the incident, Alaska Airlines grounded its fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines emailed to ask if they were selling them and for how much.

A woman was found dead in South Philadelphia, impaled on an iron gate outside the Xfinity Live! sports bar. Her friends reportedly asked her to go with them to a different bar, but she was on the fence.

Following the firing of Head Coach Ron Rivera, Washington Commanders owner Josh Jacobs assembled an advisory group to guide team decisions, including Magic Johnson. Johnson told Jacobs to sign six kickers so they can make more 3-pointers.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin failed to notify the White House when he was hospitalized in intensive care on December 22nd. Austin apologized, but said with wars in Ukraine and Gaza, he didn’t want to drop another bomb on Joe Biden so close to Christmas.

Low-carb diets may not lead to weight loss, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and funded by The Grimace Institute.

After two days, rescuers successfully reached tourists & guides stuck in Slovenia’s Krizna Jama cave – which dropped 30 spots on Trip Advisor’s list of ‘Fun Things To Do In Slovenia’.

A group of dietitians released a list of the best foods to eat if you want healthy hair. Topping the list was the Chipotle Burrito Bowl, which contained the highest amount of healthy hair.

Pro-Palestinian protetors blocked traffic at three New York City bridges and the Holland Tunnel – to the delight of drivers getting extra time to text and scroll Instagram.

A Las Vegas felon – who went viral for diving over a judge’s bench & attacking her -will appear before her again. Added precautions are in place; the man will be handcuffed, and the trampoline in front of the bench will be removed.

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Kid Rock scolded audience members for recording his show in Nashville, calling them “f*cking f@ggots with their iPhones out”. He closed the show wishing everyone a Happy Pride Month.

The FBI used undercover agents to convince criminals to use a messaging app, ANOM, that they created, resulting in 800 arrests in 16 countries. They hope for similar results capturing lonely crime lords with their new dating app.

The Dept of Justice recovered $2.3 million paid by fuel conglomerate Colonial Pipeline to ransomware hackers. President Biden cancelled a planned celebratory news conference after he was told he couldn’t pose behind a table stacked with Bitcoins.

FBI agents were able to retrieve the Colonial Pipeline ransom by getting the password to the hackers Bitcoin wallet – ‘Bitcoin1’.

McDonald’s CEO claims higher wages are accelerating the company’s move to more automated restaurants, where digital assistants take orders, and robots forget to put french fries in the bag.

Kim Kardashian’s security team is investigating an anonymous package sent to her, containing a diamond engagement ring and Plan B birth control pills. Kim’s first goal is to figure out if it came from a handsome rapper or NBA star.

‘General Hospital’ star Kristen Storms said she underwent brain surgery. Now that her brain is repaired, she said she’s unable to enjoy soap operas.

Paula Abdul underwent ‘breast revision’ surgery. Abdul said that, as a dancer with a short frame, larger implants were harder on her back, and scuffing her tap shoes.

Fastly, a content delivery network that speeds load times for websites, crashed Tuesday morning, causing widespread Internet service outages. Fastly worked quickly & diligently to fully & completely remedy sites loading slowly or incompletely.

French President Emanuel Macron was slapped in the face during a public appearance. He was pulled away, then handed a pistol so he and the man could complete their duel.

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Police charged three people with murder after finding a dead body wrapped in plastic on the roof of a New York City McDonald’s. Though cops were pretty happy to finally be dealing with a corpse that smelled like french fries.

20-year-old pairs figure skater Ekaterina Alexandrovskaya died. Her funeral is scheduled for six months from now, when the guy finally finishes chiseling her name into a grave stone.

Some companies are embracing the concept of ‘open hiring’ – where employees are hired without resumes or interviews. The companies still have Human Resources departments, because they need to fire people and plan office birthday parties in the break room.

Football stars trended the hashtag #WeWantToPlay while criticizing the NFL’s lack of a comprehensive plan for coronavirus. In response, the league announced the COVID-19 Protocol, where every concussed player gets a free coronavirus exam in the tent.

Model Chrissy Teigen posted pics of scars on her breasts, claiming “nobody believes” that she had breast reduction surgery. She’ll post more racy pics no one asked for because “nobody believes” she’s getting enough attention.

Black staffers at Fox News accused the channel’s executives of creating a ‘white supremacist cell’.  The execs disagreed, saying that it’s really a large cluster of cells.

Donald Trump told Fox News Chris Wallace he ‘aced’ a cognitive skills test, and Wallace countered by saying one of the skills was ‘counting backward from 100 by 7s’. Trump said he’s so smart, he was able to get from 100 to 0 in just three numbers.

Kanye West reportedly wants Jay Z to be his vice presidential running mate. Jay Z said he doesn’t need the hundredth problem.

The Director of Pediatric Medicine at Tufts University says teens need access to condoms to prevent them using alternatives like plastic wrap and plastic bags – because many times they decide to have sex somewhere other than their kitchen.

A U.S. Customs & Border Patrol team has been moved from the U.S./Mexico border to Portland, Oregon to deal with a wave of protests, and to pick up some exttra cash helping Mexican drug lords get product to far-away Portland, Oregon.

 

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Kevin Durant of the NBA Brooklyn Nets tested positive for COVID-19. He’s concerned his body doesn’t know how to play defense.

The City of Philadelphia advised officers not to make arrests for minor crimes to prevent COVID-19 exposure risk, so instead they’re just shooting people who try to steal donuts. 

A resident of Spain attempted to walk the streets in an inflatable Tyrannosaurus Rex costume while their city is on lockdown. Before he could be apprehended, he was killed by three other Spaniards dressed as velociraptors.

Around the country, municipalities and hospitals are setting up drive-thru test sites for the coronavirus. So far, the biggest challenges are shortages of COVID-19 test kits and french fries. 

Gamestop cancelled a midnight release event for new video game Doom Eternal, saying that doom will be arriving pretty soon, anyway. 

Dollar General and Target are dedicating specific times each week for senior shoppers and those with underlying health concerns –  allowing parking lot muggers to plan their day accordingly. 

The Federal Aviation Administration closed a control tower at Chicago Midway airport after workers there tested positive for coronavirus. In its place, pilots were radioed a recorded message saying “just take turns”. 

A Google Chrome browser extension called ‘Netflix Party’ lets users watch Netflix content on their computers and chat at the same time. It’s proven to be a lot more popular than ‘Pornhub Party’. 

Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden is now receiving protection from Secret Service agents, who reintroduce themselves to him every morning. 

A Kentucky man who tested positive for coronavirus checked himself out of a hospital, but is now forced to remain at home by sheriff’s deputies. Yet, in accordance with Kentucky law, he’s still allowed to sit in a rocking chair on his porch clad only in overalls while clutching a rifle. 

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With more & more large corporations and government agencies approving employees working from home, AMC & Regal movie theaters announced they’ll be adding more matinee showtimes.

Levi’s and Nintendo are partnering to launch Super Mario-themed apparel, including Mario’s signature blue denim overalls. However, fans are angry because they don’t fit anyone over three feet tall.

Walmart confirmed a coronavirus case in one of its stores – local health inspectors called it the 19th-most scary disease they found there.

A Florida couple still stuck aboard the Grand Princess cruise ship filed a $1 million lawsuit over Princess Cruises’ handling of the coronavirus outbreak. Princess Cruises said they plan to remove the bench where they lawyer had been advertising.

Rob Gronkowski is reportedly close to signing a deal to appear at WWE pro wrestling events. For now, he’s doing intense studying to meet WWE’s exacting standards for athlete intelligence.

A New Jersey 7-Eleven store owner faces multiple charges for selling homemade hand sanitizer that gave four children first-and-second degree burns. The concoction was a mix of a commercial hand sanitizer, water, and 7-Eleven coffee.

McDonald’s is expanding its lineup of Big Mac sandwiches, adding a Big Mac with just one beef patty and another with four. The one-patty sandwich is called the Little Mac, and the four-patty sandwich is called Half of Donald Trump’s Lunch.

A study from Yale researchers found consumption of artifical sweetener sucralose, along with high-levels of carbohydrates, may raise blood sugar in healthy people to dangerous levels. The study followed a group of people who like putting Splenda on french fries.

Microsoft and its security partners announced the March 10th takedown of the Necurs botnet – believed to be responsible for up to 90% of the world’s email-distributed malware. In other news, the Trump 2020 campaign reported a 90% drop in donations on March 10th.

Starbucks is testing a new fully recyclable, compostable, paper coffee cup.  For its part, Dunkin is testing a new coffee that you can pour into your compost heap to make the worms work faster instead of drinking it yourself.