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Ohio voted to protect legal access to abortion in the state constitution. Students in multiple Texas high school districts voted for Cleveland as the destination for their senior class trip.

Charles III gave the first King’s Speech to British Parliament in 72 years, following his ascension to the throne after the death of his mother. It started rough, with Charles asking “so, anybody here from out of town?”

Ivanka Trump arrived in New York to testify in the financial fraud trial of the Trump Organization. The state’s Attorney General said she may also subpoena Tiffany Trump, who never worked for the organization, just so she doesn’t feel left out.

Actor Patrick Dempsey was named People’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’, in what Donald Trump calls another rigged election, and what Dempsey’s manager calls a lifeline keeping the forgotten actor from appearing in Hallmark Channel Christmas movies.

Disney Parks is cracking down on visitors who violate their line policies for the disabled – banning several wheelchair paraplegics who mistakenly stood up to prove they were tall enough for the rides.

Philadelphia voters elected Cherelle Parker as the city’s first woman mayor. Philly business owners are worried their cost of doing business will go up since they now have to put their bribes in Louis Vuitton bags.

Pizza Hut is offering a snake meat pizza in Hong Kong. Several confused delivery drivers were fired for exposing their snake meat to customers.

Four men were charged with the theft of an 18-carat gold toilet from the home of Winston Churchill, valued at $6 million. Although the value dropped significantly after the thieves installed it the morning of Taco Tuesday.

Kim Kardashian’s SKIMS shapewear brand is collaborating with Swarovski crystals, leading to emergency room visits for women suffering genital abrasions after putting the briefs on inside-out.

A Canadian woman delivered a 14 pound, 8 ounce baby boy measuring 21.6 inches, breaking the hospital record. The infant was delivered by c-section and a crane to lift him out.

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An Idaho woman is suing her fertility doctor, claiming he secretly used his own sperm to father her now 34-year-old daughter. The doctor’s lawyers informed the court he’d be using a “Hey, It Worked, Didn’t It?” Defense.

Two theme park operators, Six Flags and Cedar Fair, are merging in a deal valued at $8 billion dollars and over a million gallons of vomit.

Donald Trump lashed out on social media over a judge forcing Eric, Don Jr & Ivanka to testify in his financial fraud trial. “Leave my kids alone!” Trump posted, adding “I’ve left all of them alone for years.”

Cable channel TBS will air a ‘Best Of Chandler’ marathon starting November 1st to honor the late Matthew Perry. They’re finalizing on-screen graphics to differentiate it from the existing 22 hours every day they air ‘Friends‘ episodes.

A family is suing Panera Bread, claiming their daughter died after drinking highly caffeinated lemonade. Their case won’t be heard for years, after Panera lawyers settle dozens of lawsuits where customers choked to death on scones.

400 Americans were approved to leave war-torn Gaza. 250 of them could have left already, but they keep haggling for business & first class seat upgrades on the flights home.

Kim Kardashian announced her underwear brand, SKIMS, has entered a partnership with the NBA. Every NBA player will receive personalized instructions on removing SKIMS from new female friends they meet on the road.

Investigators determined two men escaped from a Philadelphia prison in May because a guard slept on the job, surveillance cameras didn’t work, a known hole in a fence was left unrepaired, and – perhaps most importantly – the prisoners broke their promise to stay inside and be good.

A dietitian released a list of foods that mimic the ingredients of popular weight loss drugs Ozempic and Wegovy. The list includes high-fiber items like rye bread & barley, and more controversial low-fiber items like the Quarter Pounder w/Ozempic.

Police are investigating AI-generated nude images of young female students circulated at a New Jersey high school. No arrests have been made, but the Computer Club has seen a gigantic spike in participation.

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Disney is pulling back on Marvel & Star Wars content, according to CEO Bob Iger. He cites high production costs, and disappointing ratings for Jersey Shore: Avengers House; and Baby Yoda Meets Honey Boo Boo.

CEO Iger also disputed the idea that Disney sexualizes children. Iger said they identify the talented children, so that they can be sexualized when they become teenagers.

Union actors in the Screen Actors Guild decided to strike, joining Hollywood writers. Unfortunately, TikTok and YouTube “stars” have no plans to stop.

At the UK premiere of Christopher Nolan’s ‘Oppenheimer‘, the film’s stars walked out as a show of solidarity to striking writers and actors; they also freed up three hours of their time that evening.

Temperatures in Death Valley, California are expected to reach 130 degrees – giving local birds a chance to try out new Flamin’ Hot Worms.

India is seeking to become the fourth country to land a spacecraft on the moon, with the Chandrayaan-3 launch. Tbey’re considering manned missions to ensure victory in the first-ever interstellar spelling bee.

Wait times are now significantly shorter at Florida’s Disney World and Universal Studios Orlando theme parks. There are the same number of people in line, but riders are able to step over dozens of people in line who passed out from heat stroke.

A Los Angeles medical examiner determined Lisa Marie Presley died of a small bowel obstruction, or a hunka, hunka blockin’ stuff.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are rumored to be cooperating with Special Prosecutor Jack Smith’s investigations of Donald Trump. Trump is reportedly frustrated with feelings of betrayal toward Ivanka, paired with the usual lust.

A 20-year-old woman is charged with supplying tainted drugs in the overdose death of Robert Deniro’s grandson. Sofia Marks is allegedly known as the ‘Percocet Princess’ – mainly because of the highness.

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A bus driver transporting the Pittsburgh Pirates from Chicago to Milwaukee was arrested and charged with drunk driving. He was detained, then assigned to the Pirates’ AA team.

University of West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins resigned one day after being arrested for DUI. Huggins reportedly blew a 0.3-pointer.

A 21-year-old Florida law student discovered a loophole and declared eligibility for the NBA Draft in Brooklyn, despite having never played organized basketball. He won’t be selected by a team, but has already had sex with three different Instagram influencers.

The Ecuadoran woman who pounded on the coffin lid at her wake has died after a week in intensive care. “Ok, now where we?..” said the funeral director at round two.

In two weeks, six temporary lanes are expected to open on the collapsed section of Interstate 95 in northeast Philadelphia. In two weeks and 25 minutes, crews will remove the first jackknifed tractor-trailer in the temporary lanes.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker announced she’s pregnant with her fourth child and their first together. They haven’t yet trademarked a name for it.

Kardashian held up a sign at a Blink 182 concert reading “TRAVIS I’M PREGNANT”….as did two other women on the other side of the arena.

Ivanka Trump snubbed Donald Trump, posting a Father’s Day message only for her husband Jared Kushner. Tiffany Trump posted seven messages but Donald didn’t read them.

A fishing crew called Sensation missed out on a $3 million prize in North Carolina’s Big Rock Blue Marlin fishing tournament because the 619-pound marlin they caught had been bitten by sharks. The $3 million was awarded to a 400-pound marlin that turned itself in, then swam off to party.

A newly-divorced mother-of-three lost her entire $100,000 401k to a Tinder scammer who convinced her to invest it with him in a “pig butchering” scheme. She’s angry at losing the money, and asked that the scheme be changed to “milf butchering”.

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WNBA star and freed Russian prisoner Britney Griner attended the 2023 Met Gala. She was invited in a guest swap after Viktor ‘Merchant of Death’ Bout RSVP’d ‘no’.

A cockroach was spotted on the red carpet at the Met Gala as celebrities arrived in their lavish apparel. Tickets to the event cost $50,000 each, which isn’t an obstacle for Ivanka Trump.

A study finds over 5,000 tons of toxic gaseous VOCs – volatile organic compounds -escaped from consumer products in 2020 in the state of California. The volume is expected to rise in proportion to the grand openings of new Taco Bell restaurants.

Hunter Biden appeared in Batesville, Arkansas to answer questions about his finances in a paternity case. Biden is seeking to lower support payments to Lunden Roberts, a woman who became pregnant when she was Hunter Biden’s laptop.

Pornhub banned access to the entirety of Utah over that state’s strict new age-verification requirement to view adult content. In other news, production has been halted on the set of Pornhub Original Production: ‘My Six Hot Mormon Stepmoms‘.

Television and film projects are expected to shut down in the wake of a Writers Guild of America strike. Writers are seeking more income from streaming, a minimum number of writing jobs on each tv show, and a guarantee of 50 Star Wars spinoffs every year on Disney+.

A woman who described herself as a ‘spiritual healer’ stands trial in New South Wales, Australia for the death of her friend, whose burns she treated with toxic mucus from a giant Amazonian monkey frog. Court observers describe testimony as ‘ribbiting’.

Convicted sex offender R. Kelly was moved from Illinois to a North Carolina prison that has housed Joe Exotic, the Unabomber, and John Hinckley, Jr. Multiple online betting apps installed Kelly as the moneyline favorite to win the prison Talent Show.

A 74-year-old Florida man was arrested for grabbing the crotch of a female American Airlines flight attendant. A spokesperson for Donald Trump reminded everyone that he’s 76 and doesn’t fly commercial.

General Mills is launching Kit Kat Cereal later this month. Or, just give your kids the candy bars for breakfast, they don’t really care either way.

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Viral video shows an armless man in a motorized wheelchair pointing a gun held with his foot at a jewelry store clerk during a robbery. The perpetrator made off with several Rolex anklewatches.

Bruce Springsteen reportedly sold his music catalog to Sony for $500 million: roughly $499,999,990 for songs prior to 1990, and the rest for everything after.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars fired head coach Urban Meyer after less than one year on the job. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by Rural Meyer.

After two seasons, Disney+ cancelled ‘Diary Of A Future President‘ about a Cuban-American teen girl who grows up to become President of the United States. The creator is sad they didn’t make Season 3, where she teams up with Ivanka Trump to overthrow the government and become President.

Feral hogs have overrun a Southeast Texas county, roaming in packs of dozens and wrecking property in their path. Perhaps worst of all, they’re cutting the lines at the Chick-fil-A drive thrus.

90-Day Fiance star Stephanie Matto claims she’s made $100,000 selling her farts in jars. She claims she ate so many fiber bars to generate flatulence that she almost landed in the hospital – delaying a large shipment to Mar A Lago.

Ben Affleck said he abused alcohol while married to Jennifer Garner because he felt trapped, and that if they were married he’d still be drinking. Affleck said he’d sleep on the couch and drink scotch – 13 ounces, going on 30.

Hilaria Baldwin posted the family’s “perfectly imperfect” Instagram holiday card – calling it that because they only took one shot.

AT&T will comply with the January 6th Committee’s subpeona for phone records of members of Congress. Boost Mobile has yet to respond after Lauren Boebert, Marjorie Taylor-Greene, Jim Jordan & others switched on January 7th.

McDonald’s reclaimed $105 million paid to former CEO Steve Easterbrook as severance, after proving Easterbrook lied about three inappropriate sexual relationships with employees, known only as Red R, Black H, and Purple G.

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TikTok removed 7 million accounts of underage users. “TikTok sucks” said pedophiles.

A boy was bitten by a shark at a Boy Scout camp near Catalina Island, California. The boy is recovering, and the shark received its Biting Children merit badge.

Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg was indicted on tax evasion charges. As evidence, the New York District Attorney submitted Weisselberg’s resume, where in the Skills section he listed Tax Evasion.

Joe Biden is expected is to meet with rescue teams at the fallen Champlain Towers condo building in Miami, then he’ll meet with EMTs to fix whatever happens to him as he walks across the rubble.

China’s President Xi Jinping said that those who attempt to bully China will face “broken heads and bloodshed” – in what’s being called “the weirdest anti-bullying speech ever”.

Conservative commenter Meghan McCain is leaving ‘The View’. ABC executives reportedly begged her to stay, saying their effort to find another entitled conservative blowhard could be as difficult as asking for Ivanka Trump’s phone number.

85 children and staffers contracted COVID-19 at a summer camp that didn’t require masks or check vaccine status. Officials indefinitely postponed Color War at Camp Delta Variant.

TikTok is expanding video length to three minutes. Now you can watch baby boomers cringeworthy videos, then see them take two minutes figuring out how to end it.

Bill Cosby was released from prison due to a legal technicality. Cosby’s lawyers then spent the rest of the day fielding 50 calls from Harvey Weinstein.

The Los Angeles Police Bomb Squad detonated 5,000 pounds of illegal fireworks in a so-called “containment truck”, which blew up the truck. Now they have to find a new truck to blow up in the July 4th parade.

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Paleontologists say they’ve discovered the first preserved dinosaur butthole. They describe it as “unique”, “perfect”, and “tough enough to withstand the 10-foot long backbones of the other dinosaurs it ate”.

Donald Trump gave his final goodbye speech, telling a small crowd of supporters that he’ll be “back in some form”. Las Vegas oddsmakers believe that form will be either “convicted felon” or “bipedal lizard”.

Federal investigators added two more charges to Riley June Williams, the woman accused of stealing Nancy Pelosi’s laptop. Video evidence was provided by Williams’ ex-boyfriend, who will be the first person to collect reward money for online stalking.

Pfizer told Canada it won’t receive any shipments of COVID-19 vaccines next week, since it needs more time to make them maple flavored.

Alec Baldwin left Twitter, making his portrayal of Donald Trump more accurate.

Warner Brothers announced a ‘prequel’ to ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory’, to be released in 2023, called ‘Willy Wonka, Dwarf Collector‘.

Indianapolis Colts QB Philip Rivers announced his retirement after 17 NFL seasons, saying it’s safe to do so now that his 9 kids are all out of diapers.

A new study finds residents of multi-unit dwellings are more likely to contract COVID-19 – especially if the multi-unit dwelling has “senior” or “nursing” in its name.

Ivanka Trump wrote a self-congratulatory farewell letter to Washington, claiming she’d come there to “fight for American families” – specifically, the Trumps and Kushners.

Of the 100+ pardons issued by President Trump, there was none for ‘Tiger King’ Joe Exotic, or ‘Lawyer King’ Rudy Eccentric.

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After an injection with mushroom tea, a man was discovered to have hallucinogenic ‘magic’ mushrooms growing in his blood. He opened a concession stand selling it to vampires at Phish concerts.

President Jimmy Carter posed with a guitar made with wood from a tree he’d planted. It sounds better than the one he had made from peanut shells.

Australia will euthanize a pigeon that flew all the way from Oregon. “Great, kill the messenger”, said the pigeon.

New Jersey teachers are outraged that smokers are prioritized to get the COVID-19 vaccine before they are, and are even more jealous of the hot-looking teachers who smoke.

Ivanka Trump & Jared Kushner reportedly prevented Secret Service agents from using the bathrooms in their house, so they had to rent a nearby apartment. However, as a goodwill gesture, Jared donated his old copies of Juggs magazine for them to read.

Donald Trump reportedly told aides not to pay lawyer Rudy Giuliani’s $20,000/day legal fees. Fortunately, after 40-plus failed lawsuits, Trump has accumulated enough Rudy Reward Points to settle most of his bill that way.

Airlines are temporarily banning passengers bound for Washington DC airports from checking firearms in their bags. However, Spirit Airlines is offering an in-flight deal where you can purchase a bulkhead row seat and handgun for just $449.

Newly-elected Alabama Senator Tommy Tuberville called for delaying the inauguration of Joe Biden, and was informed the inauguration date is in the Constitution. He then asked one of his assistants how many timeouts he had left.

Melania Trump tweeted about the “legacy” of her Be Best anti-bullying inititative. So far as anyone can tell, the legacy is a truckload of Be Best t-shirts ready for shipping to the next victims of an earthquake.

NASA abandoned its InSight mission to drill 10 feet in to the surface of Mars, because the soil would clump and prevent the drill from entering. It’s now a race against time to get the drill back to Earth before Home Depot refuses to refund the purchase.