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Burberry hired their fourth new CEO in 10 years to help turn around the struggling apparel & accessories retailer. “Maybe we give paisley a try!” he said, and was fired.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT was asked who would be the best replacement candidate for Joe Biden. No word yet on whether Taylor Swift would accept the nomination.

Trump-appointed federal judge Aileen Cannon threw out the classified documents felony case against him, saying it was unconsitutional. She then offered Trump use of her shredder.

A bandaged Donald Trump appeared at the Republican National Convention, as thousands of delegates and attendees cheered his name within earshot.

Lindsay Lohan & Jamie Lee Curtis are reprising their 2003 roles as filming commences on Freaky Friday 2. In it, the now-adult Lohan character switches bodies with her daughter, who spends the next 80 minutes looking for cocaine.

New Balance announced a partnership with the WNBA, in the hope of expanding the fan base among senior lesbians who lack anything in common with many players beyond that one thing.

Trader Joe’s ‘Everything But The Bagel’ seasoning is banned in South Korea because it contains poppy seeds. When mature, poppies are used to make opiates. It’s also banned in North Korea at Trader Un’s.

A food safety scandal is rocking China, as a major state-owned food company is accused of transporting cooking oil in the same tankers as fuel, without cleanings in-between. Consumers are worried about fuel contaminating their food, but drivers are kind of happy that their car smells like a wok.

Los Angeles Dodgers slugger Teoscar Hernandez won the 2024 MLB All-Star Home Run Derby. The contest was highlighted by the early elimination of well-known players, and the elimination of singer Ingrid Andress from consideration singing the national anthem ever again.

Princess Cruises broke a world record for the largest pizza party, serving 60,000 slices of pizza simultaneously across multiple ships. Then they set sail and subsequently broke the record for largest oceanic vomit patch.

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BTS singer Jung Kook performed his single ‘Standing Next To You’ on The Tonight Show. For those unfamiliar with Korean boy band BTS, Jung Kook translates to ‘Harry Styles’ in English. .

Journalists in attendance for Donald Trump’s testimony at his New York financial fraud trial stated that Trump “lost it” on the witness stand – criticizing the judge, the attorney general, and whoever brought in Wendy’s instead of McDonald’s for lunch.

Actress Megan Fox released a book of poems entitled ‘Pretty Boys Are Poisonous‘. Titles of the poems include ‘“rape,” “funerals are for lovers,” “why i wish i was gay,” and “to marry an arsonist”. In other news Megan Fox’s read-along at the Children’s Library of Los Angeles has been postponed.

Lindsay Lohan, Lacey Chabert & Amanda Seyfried reprised their ‘Mean Girls‘ roles in a new ad campaign for Walmart’s Black Friday sales. Suburban moms get their own chance to be Mean Girls as they trample other women when stores open at 5 a.m. on November 24th.

Deanes EIPIC, a Michelin-starred restaurant in Belfast, Northern Ireland, closed due to rising operating costs, higher menu prices, and customers refusal to order anything but corned beef & cabbage.

Packs of javelinas – pig-like creatures with sharp teeth – are destroying Arizona’s Seven Canyons golf course as they tear up fairways looking for food. It’s illegal to kill javelinas in Arizona, so groundskeepers can only hope they leave, or choke to death on Titleists.

Baskin-Robbins introduced ‘Turkey Day Fixins’ ice cream as its Flavor of the Month. It has no turkey flavoring, but features notes of honey cornbread, cranberrry & sweet potato. After poor consumer testing, Dairy Queen cancelled its Green Bean Casserole Blizzard.

The Crazy Horse 3 strip club in Las Vegas is offering one free lap dance to current & former military personnel on Veterans Day. Extra dancers are being brought in to grind on Privates, Sergeants, etc.

A viral video shows a commercial jet flying over Israel while, in nearby airspace, Israeli’s Iron Dome defense missiles exploded Hamas rockets. Passengers aboard Spirit Airlines new service to Tel Aviv were each charged $10 for the light show.

Pauly Shore proposed to Drew Barrymore on Friday’s episode of The Drew Barrymore Show. The proposal question was unanswered – but at least we know if Barrymore could still attract A-List stars to the show after her Writers Strike controversy.

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Ellen Degeneres is buying back a six-acre California ranch she’d sold in 2018. Once her talk show ends in 2022, she plans to move to the ranch and bully horses instead of her staff.

Kardashian-adjacent doofus Scott Disick threw himself a 38th birthday party, where his 19-year-old girlfriend gave him a new Harley Davidson motorcycle. It was one of the two things he wanted, the other being a 17-year-old girlfriend.

Actor Timothee Chalamet has reportedly been cast in a film detailing Willy Wonka’s origin story, ‘The Kid Who Likes Chocolate, But Only If It’s Made By Enslaved Little People’.

Lindsay Lohan will star in a new romantic comedy for Netflix. It’s the first film in a new distribution model, where new Netflix movies premiere two weeks earlier in a $1.00 bin at Walgreens checkout counters.

Texas lawmakers approved allowing people to carry handguns without a license, background check or training. Vegas oddsmakers now predict the Dallas Cowboys & Houston Texans will each win all of their home games.

Anna Duggar – pregnant with her seventh child – is “standing by” husband Josh, who’s accused of possessing child pornography, after admitting to cheating on her. Because good men are hard to find in Arkansas.

‘Friends’ alum Matthew Perry is selling COVID-related t-shirts with a version of his character’s catchphrase “Could I BE any more vaccinated?” Then after COVID he has one for himself reading ‘Could I BE any more medicated?’

American Idol crowned its latest champion – whose best shot at fame is probably getting picked to wear a chicken costume on The Masked Singer.

The body of a man missing in Barcelona, Spain was found inside the leg of a stegosaurus statue. Officials were surprised, because the stegosaurus is an herbivore.

Elliot Page posted his first topless photo since declaring they are a trans male. Ironically, he’s now working on ways to make his chest bigger.

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A former executive at Juul claims the company knowingly shipped one million contaminated mint-flavored vape pods. Juul called the accusation baseless, and that the pods were clearly labeled emphysemamint.

The ISIS spy who gave U.S. forces information on the location of Abu Bakr Al-Bagdadi was an insider.  ISIS is demanding to know the identity of the flute-blower.

President Trump will invite Conan – the U.S. Special Forces canine injured in the Al Baghdadi raid – to the White House. The dog will get to choose between Big Macs, Whoppers or Snausages.

The Washington Nationals won the World Series. No word on an invitation to the White House, but most players have already said it’s kind of out of their way.

The Arena Football League has ceased operations. Players are cleaning out team and league offices which, ironically, pays better than playing in the Arena Football League.

Fast-food restaurants were graded for their overuse – or lack of it – of antibiotics in beef. Chipotle received the only A. Burger King, Sonic and Applebees received Fs – as did Starbucks, who said nobody’s really buying their Prime Rib Capuccino anyway.

United Airlines is debuting a new Star Wars-themed plane in honor of the new film Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Overbooked passengers who refuse to give up their seat can be dragged off the plane by a service droid.

A California middle school apologized for mistakenly printing a sex hotline number instead of a suicide prevention number on student IDs. Although many students admitted the person they called gave them a new reason to live.

Michael Lohan said daughter Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman is “platonic and respectful”, adding that bin Salman has not once contemplated having Lindsay interrogated and dismembered by staffers.

A life-sized Godzilla attraction is opening at a Japanese amusement park. While visitors expressed excitement at seeing Godzilla, they’re disappointed at the roller coasters being repeatedly shut down after Godzilla steps on them.

 

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Sony released a 40th Anniversary Walkman with a hard drive instead of cassette tape playback. A Sony spokesman called it “an old Sony cell phone with a Walkman sticker”.

JP Morgan created the Volfefe Index – designed to measure the impact of President Trump’s tweets on financial markets. After two days, the Index unfollowed him.

President Trump attacked supermodel Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. Which is unusual, since Trump usually attacks women at his hotels.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick became the first NFL player to start for eight different teams, and to suffer a concussion with seven.

The CEO of CVS Health published an essay marking the fifth anniversary of CVS’ decision to stop selling tobacco products. Along with their decision to stop selling porno magazines, cashiers are delighted with all of the room behind the counter.

Prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal are recommending one month in prison for actress Felicity Huffman – the most brutal month she’s spent since filming ‘Georgia Rule’ with Lindsay Lohan & Jane Fonda.

HGTV’s ‘A Very Brady Renovation’ premieres Monday – showcasing renovation to the classic Brady Bunch house. Some new locations were added, such as a media room for Cindy to fire off homophobic posts, and a second attic bedroom for Marcia to get high.

Matt Lauer finalized his divorce. Next up Today – helping a rich 50-something find a hot young girlfriend!

A British Columbia man survived a black bear attack, claiming he yelled at the bear “you don’t have to do this”. A nearby family’s dog chased away the bear, who later turned himself in, telling park rangers “that guy was right, I didn’t have to do it.”

Southwest Airlines launched its Fall airfare sale, the flights priced as low as $29, or $229 for the same one but without terrible jokes and banter from flight attendants.

 

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The NBA held its 2019 Draft on Thursday night, coinciding with Vogue Magazine’s 2019 Worst Dressed List release party.

An early-morning petroleum refinery explosion in South Philadelphia was felt for several miles. Residents are thankful it happened in between gas explosions at dining areas of Pat’s and Geno’s steaks.

Industry experts say cannabis sales could reach $15 billion globally in 2019 – or, $50 over $15 billion if your friend’s buddy comes through.

Lindsay Lohan signed a record deal with Casablanca Records – free download codes for her new album are expected to hit yogurt containers in 2020.

‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ star Margaret Josephs was honored for her contributions to the Englewood, NJ community – by staying out of it.

A benign cyst was found on retired WWE diva Nikki Bella’s brain – surgeons worked several hours detaching it with blows from a folding chair.

Outside of Hollywood dining hotspot Craig’s, a shirtless ‘Ivan Drago’ lookalike Russian in boxing shorts & gloves challenged Justin Bieber to a fistfight. It’s the kind of Russian interference every American supports.

CBS News is exposing a scam where counterfeit surgical screws were placed in the backs of spinal fusion patients in Southern California. Patients describe their suspicions when told their surgery would take place in the storeroom of Ace Hardware.

A Samsung exec told the crowd at an event in Seoul that the months-delayed folding smartphone Samsung Galaxy Fold is “ready to hit the market!” He appeared alongside executives from Dollar General and Big Lots.

Google responded to a Wall Street Journal report that there are millions of fake business listings in Google Maps.  Users reportedly drove for hours trying to find Mike Hunt Subaru and Mike Hunt Mini Cooper dealerships.

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Officials in Delaware report more cases of Vibrio vulnificus – a flesh-eating bacteria infecting those with open cuts swimming or wading at beaches. Officials say the problem is biggest in Delaware because bacteria there like to eat when they’re bored.

Nintendo will launch its newest mobile phone & tablet game, Dr. Mario World, on July 10th. They say revenue will come from in-game purchases and that, like many others, Dr. Mario will not accept new patients with Obamacare.

Federal agents seized 16 tons of cocaine at a shipping port in Philadelphia. There was so much, they asked Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to help move it – resulting in all evidence being lost or destroyed. C

The latest dating trend is “cookie jarring” – keeping a non-serious backup romance in a ‘cookie jar’ as a fallback while you pursue a first choice. Women especially dislike being kept in the cookie jar – while men are fine with it, provided the cookies come with sex.

Retired baseball star & convicted felon Lenny Dykstra was dumpster diving outside a Jersey Mike’s sub shop because he left his dentures in a napkin that the restaurant threw out. He was joined by other Jersey Mike’s customers looking for their lost self-respect.

Google announced a commitment to invest $1 billion in Bay Area, California to help build 15,000 new homes for low-to-medium income residents – so, anyone who only makes a half-million dollars a year.

Viral video captured the moment a flight attendant was slammed into the ceiling of a jet during severe turbulence en route from Kosovo to Switzerland. The flight attendant is said to be okay, while the passenger shooting the video still wants his damn Diet Coke.

Coca-Cola is holding a contest for the public to come up with its next flavor. The early frontrunner is Original Cocaine flavor, because they already have the recipe.

Brett Favre was trending on Twitter as rumors circulated about his coming out of retirement. He said he’s staying retired, but wanted everyone to know that he came up with the whole ‘show your penis to massage therapists’ thing long before Robert Kraft.

MTV announced the cancellation after one season of “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club”, and that the Mykonos, Greece nightclub location for the show is closed. VH1 announced the premiere date for their new show, “Lindsay Lohan’s Beach Club Is Closed”.

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Reports surfaced that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was involved in a drunken bar brawl after a UB40 concert in the 80s.  The same report finds that Kavanaugh also once wore a bright yellow shirt to a Cure show and was excommunicated from their fan club.

Dunkin Donuts employees in Syracuse, NY were fired following the circulation of a viral video where one of them pours water on a homeless man. The employees have since been nominated to Federal judgeships by the Trump administration.

For the first time in 55 years, a woman – Canadian Donna Strickland – won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Strickland was recognized for her work in laser physics; specifically, how a laser can be utilized to turn up the thermostat from across a room.

Amazon raised its minimum wage for all of their employees to $15/hour. Amazon warehouse employees celebrated by raising the glass bottles they urinate in to keep from getting fired for bathroom breaks.

Lindsay Lohan appears in a new viral video, where she accuses a Moscow family of trafficking children then gets punched in the face. Her friends worry for her safety and want her to move back to the United States, to Cincinnati where there are no paparazzi. Lohan said it’s a difficult choice between living in Cincinnati or getting punched in the face.

First Lady Melania Trump arrived in Ghana for her first state visit of a shithole country.

A woman spectator’s eyeball reportedly “exploded” after being struck with a golf ball hit by American Brooks Koepka at the Ryder Cup in Paris. The woman reportedly lost sight in the eye, and was assessed a two-stroke penalty for moving her ball.

Primera Air – which launched in 2017 offering $99 one-way fares between the U.S. and Europe – suddenly announced it’s suspending operations. After the pilot made the announcement, all passengers and crew on the final flight parachuted to safety.

CEO Rupert Stadler, arrested for falsifying company records of diesel vehicle emissions, announced that he’s outie at Audi.

The FDA claims a factory making Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal knew of possible salmonella contamination, but refused to do anything about it. Kellogg’s disputes this, saying that the back of the box was updated with a new game, Dig ‘Em’s Toilet Challenge.

 

 

 

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Health experts warn that this season’s flu shot may only be 10% effective preventing the most common strain of flu; experts also warn that this doesn’t mean you should get ten of them.

More pregnant women are using marijuana, according to medical journal JAMA, and according to the child’s father’s claims that baby’s first word is ‘dude’.

A North Korean soldier who defected to South Korea was found to have Anthrax antibodies in his system, found in his stomach as part of the North Korean cereal he ate for breakfast.

A Pennsylvania woman received a $284 billion electric bill, and still wasn’t warm enough.

President Trump tweeted that Republicans and Democrats will work together on a terrific new health care program – presumably, for each other.

Amazon revealed that its top-selling item this holiday season was the Echo Dot. “Can’t you lazy f***ers look up your own sh*t?” said an exhausted Alexa.

A Utah man clad in body armor, carrying a battle ax and threatening to detonate explosives was arrested by police and taken to a local hospital. His trusty steed was corralled and awaits the next battle.

The giant aquarium cracked at the Vietopia Vietnamese restaurant in Houston, Texas, flooding the dining room and adding several seafood entrees to the ‘specials’ menu.

Four fetuses allegedly found preserved alongside human brain tissue were discovered by federal authorities in a Detroit warehouse in 2013. The warehouse reportedly belonged to a ‘body broker’ – a seller of body parts to researchers — or to a day care center that’s bad even by Detroit standards.

A 29-year-old Dallas woman who works as a court reporter faces felony charges for causing $300,000 in damages to artwork owned by prominent Houston lawyer Anthony Buzbee — although appraisers from outside of Texas aren’t sure the paintings of dogs wearing cowboy hats are worth over $300,000.

Lindsay Lohan, who now lives in London and Dubai, owes the U.S. Government over $100,000 in back taxes. Lohan said that Alan Thicke died before telling her how she could settle her debt for pennies on the dollar.

 

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.