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WWE’s stock price soared after releasing quarterly earnings. Executives attributed profits to cost savings from not having to buy wedding gifts for Nikki Bella and John Cena, and the robust U.S. economy providing more money for dumb people to buy WWE stuff.

Kristen Stewart has been cast as an Angel in the Charlie’s Angels movie reboot–where the Angels confront criminals and bore them to death.

Facebook had the worst day in U.S. stock market history, losing $132 billion in market value after forecasting slower earnings growth. It was so bad, Mark Zuckerberg vaguebooked “man, I can’t believe it” and received two million comments asking “what’s wrong?”

Over 700 immigrant children have yet to be reunited with their parents or families after being separated by Trump’s zero-tolerance immigration policy. What’s worse is that the Trump administration is charging the parents overtime for each hour they don’t arrive to pick up their kids at Donnie’s Day Care.

With over 200 cases reported since February, the Centers for Disease Control issued warnings for those raising chickens in their backyard to guard against salmonella. People are reminded to wash their hands, wear specific shoes while around the chickens and, if you live in the Deep South, use condoms.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones insists that players who want to remain on the Cowboys will need to stand for the National Anthem. Although they’ll still probably sit for the playoffs.

Amazon is beginning to roll out collaborative ‘wish lists’. They say it’s a great way for couples who loved specific wedding gifts to ask for duplicates before the divorce.

Apple announced free repair for its consumer devices that were damaged in the Japanese floods – just provide your name, address and device type and Apple will send you a large bag of rice.

New York City officials are moving to restrict the number of Uber and Lyft vehicles on the road, blaming rideshare cars for congestion, lower driver wages, and reduced opportunities for traditional cabbies to sexually harass passengers.

John ‘Papa John’ Schnatter is suing the company he founded, Papa John’s Pizza, to review internal documents related to his firing for using the n-word.  Papa John’s lawyers sent their response to Schnatter — late, tasteless, in a box with two wrinkled banana peppers.

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Twitter’s emoji for the U.S./North Korea #Singaporesummit depicts a high-five between Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. They were asked to redo it several times to make Trump’s hands the same size as Un’s.

Uber’s Chief Brand Officer Bozoma Saint John is leaving to become Chief Marketing Officer for Endeavor, an entertainment agency conglomerate. She’s excited to leave the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by underpaid cab drivers for the world of inappropriate sexual behavior by overpaid Hollywood agents.

Snapchat announced that you’ll soon be able to Unsend messages, so that a few less people will have seen your breasts and penises.

Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner filed details of their personal wealth and investment holdings with the Office of Government Ethics. They each would have done so sooner, but neither could believe the Office of Government Ethics still exists.

President Trump is now en route back to the U.S. following the Singapore summit with Kim Jong Un. He considered the trip a success, obtaining denuclearization concessions, along with that pin from the Singapore Hard Rock Cafe that he wanted.

Erin and Leah Finan, a married Indiana couple, were each sentenced to over five years in federal prison for scamming Amazon out of over $1 million in electronics, and for writing reviews of the merchandise they stole that nobody found helpful.

  • Sentencing guidelines called for ten years, but Amazon’s lawyers requested leniency since they were both Prime members.

Facebook followed up on Mark Zuckerberg’s Congressional testimony with 454 pages of answers to over 2,000 questions that Zuckerberg couldn’t answer in person, then Zuckerberg snoozed Congress for 30 days.

A 9-year-old girl is being sent to a rehab facility for addiction to Fortnite. Her parents say she wet herself and sat in her own urine instead of pausing the game on Xbox. While at rehab, she’ll learn about the mobile version of the game that she can play on the toilet.

Domino’s Pizza announced on Monday that it’s paying to fill potholes in towns across the United States; and, in the process, making good use of its surplus pizza dough.

A 69-year-old man allegedly defecated on another person during a road rage incident in Pennsylvania. The perpetrator was charged with harassment; the victim was not charged, but was named the Worst Ever At Road Rage by police.

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The Justice Department seized and shut down Backpage.com, charging founders and employees with a range of crimes related to facilitating sex trafficking through the site. Meanwhile, several clueless men who used the defunct classifieds site are left hanging wondering if they’ll ever be able to sell those used golf clubs.

Police departments had successfully been using Backpage as part of sting operations to catch men hiring prostitutes.  A coalition of local police chiefs said that with Backpage gone, they’ll have to try their luck catching ‘johns’ using Angie’s List.

A 12-year-old boy was arrested in Philadelphia for carrying a loaded AR-15 assault rifle. Charges have not yet been announced, although he received a grade of Incomplete for Show & Tell.

A 28-year-old Russian woman died when hospital workers in Ulyanovsk injected her with formaldehyde instead of saline solution after a routine procedure. Also, her Russian HMO refused to pay for it.

It was revealed that the most-visited Black Lives Matter page on Facebook is a fake. “Now I don’t know what to think!” said white people.

A 46-year-old female school nurse in Iowa was placed on administrative leave after having a sexual relationship with a 16-year-old male student. She faces charges of impersonating a math teacher.

The first accuser other than Andrea Constand testified at Bill Cosby’s retrial for sexual assault, while over a dozen others placed their hands on each other’s hips and formed a conga line on their way to the witness stand.

Mark Zuckerberg appeared before a Congressional committee of 44 lawmakers to answer questions about Facebook’s role in Russian election tampering, and failure to protect its users’ data. “You’re 43rd in line for tech support” said the message received by a junior senator at the start of the hearing.

Zuckerberg testified for over three hours, followed by a VIP Meet & Greet with all the GOP Senators, funded by their Super PACs.

The Guinness Book of World Records certified Masazo Nonaka of Ashoro, Japan as the World’s Oldest Living Man, at 112 years, 259 days – a record previously held by some dead guy.

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An Indian woman in Maharashtra state survived after fighting off a tiger with a stick when the tiger attacked her goat. The woman suffered injuries to her head, legs, hands and waist — but was still able to make goat stew for dinner.

Mark Zuckerberg will testify before a U.S. House committee on April 11th. “Please Like and Share!” said the chairman of the committee.

Apple hired away John Giannandrea, Google’s head of artificial intelligence. Google is expected to backfill the vacancy by promoting the clone of himself Giannandrea created while he still worked there.

Taco Bell introduced three new items to its dollar menu.  Michelin responded by delaying the release of its 3-star restaurants for 2018.

Deerfield, Illinois voted to ban the possession, sale and manufacture of assault weapons, but accepted an offer from the NRA to provide Deerfield residents with free weekly round-trip bus rides to Chicago.

Fast-casual food chain Moe’s Southwest Grill announced that they’re looking for a new CTO – Chief Taco Officer.  Moe’s claims to be choosing finalists via a social media vote, but have also hired a search firm to recruit high-ranking executives with heart disease.

Saudi Arabia will fine couples $130,000 for snooping through each other’s text messages. The fines can be paid retroactively after billionaire sheiks murder one of their wives for cheating on them.

Fighter Canelo Alvarez was forced to cancel his middleweight title rematch with Gennady Golovkin, after Alvarez tested positive for banned substance Clenbuterol, which Alvarez said he ingested by eating a Mexican steak. In other news, Mexican bullfights have been canceled after the bulls tested positive for Clenbuterol.

Facebook is rewriting in ‘plain English’ its Terms Of Service and Data Use Policy. Users clicking through to see how Facebook uses their personal data will find a statement reading simply “we’re taking and selling all of it.”

Tinder is testing a new video feature, Tinder Loops, which the company said will give users a way to see what creeps and skanks look like when they’re moving.

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A 29-year-old Florida woman told the Pensacola News Journal that she mistook a 37-week pregnancy for stomach pains from “bad Chinese food” and gave birth to a son the next day.  The Hunan Garden Buffet near her house then tripled prices and renamed as Hunan Garden Buffet & Fertility Clinic.

Snapchat is laying off 100 workers, all of whom disappeared a day after getting their employee photos taken.

The Los Angeles Rams are breaking ground, becoming the first NFL franchise to hire two men for their cheerleading squad. As is the case with the team’s female cheerleaders, they’re banned from dating Rams players….you know which ones. You know.

New research shows that people who dine out frequently risk higher exposure to toxic chemicals from food packaging called phthalates. Or, as they’re known outside of Philadelphia, thalates.

Uber suspended its self-driving car program in Arizona after a self-driving vehicle struck a pedestrian. Without driving privileges, the car now sits in the basement all day playing video games.

Melania Trump visited Palm Beach’s St. Mary’s Medical Center to deliver Easter baskets to children undergoing treatment. The First Lady described all of the children as “brave”, saying she remembered her first visit to a children’s hospital for plastic surgery.

Congress is questioning Environmental Protection Agency Administrator Scott Pruitt’s expenses for bringing his security detail on a family trip to Disneyland. Pruitt’s office justified the claim based on terroristic threats he’s received from someone known only as ‘Goofy’.

China’s Tiangong-1 or “Heavenly Palace” space lab is projected to fall back to Earth this weekend – based on NASA data showing that Heavenly Palace menus have been scattered on planets closer and closer to the Earth’s atmosphere.

Facebook announced that they’re severing relationships with 3rd-party data brokers. CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the move away from large data mines will create more opportunities for independent data thieves to steal and sell information about you.

President Trump arrived in Florida for the weekend, and was expected to attend Good Friday services at Trump International Golf Course, where there are 18 stations of the cross instead of the typical 14.

 

 

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President Trump expelled 60 Russian diplomats from the U.S. as retaliation for Russia’s alleged role in the poisoning of a former spy in the U.K. The diplomats then presented Trump with apology letters from their parents, and he said they weren’t expelled and could go back to class.

A recent survey of 150 doctors, dietitians and personal trainers revealed only 3 knew what happens to fat – it’s converted to carbon dioxide and water – when people lose weight. The same survey of 150 liposuction doctors yielded 148 correct answers and 2 arrests.

Stormy Daniels is suing Trump attorney Michael Cohen for defamation. This is her second defamation lawsuit; she awaits a ruling on a suit filed for incorrectly listing her name as Stormee Daniel in the credits of Ass Blasters 13.

Daniels’ friend, adult actress Alana Evans, told CNN that Daniels kept the dress that she wore to her alleged date with Donald Trump. She also kept a gift card to a Lake Tahoe dry cleaner and a bottle of Shout sent to her from Trump attorney Michael Cohen.

Utah Governor Gary Herbert signed a bill into law that frees parents from liability for letting their children play unsupervised. The “Free Range Kids” bill takes effect May 8th, giving Utah parents plenty of time to equip their kids with guns to ward off predators.

97-year-old retired Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens penned an opinion piece for the New York Times calling for a repeal of the Second Amendment.  Stevens claims that it’s no longer relevant in today’s society, and he should know, since he was in the room when it was signed.

A man attempting to board a Detroit bus with a goat was kicked off, despite the man’s claims that the goat was his service animal, and the goat’s claims that he’s an elected Supervisor for the City of Detroit.

A 27-year-old Arizona school teacher accused of a sexual affair with a 13-year-old student told the judge at her preliminary hearing that she would “love to go home to her husband.” Asked why, she replied “because that’s where we keep the condoms I use for meetings with 13-year-old boys.”

Mark Zuckerberg has decided to testify before Congress, although some lawmakers are skeptical that he’ll show up, since he only replied ‘Interested’ to the event invite.

The National Football League is simplifying its Catch Rule. Once approved by owners and the Competition Committee, the rule goes to thousands of slobs in their parents’ basements for review and opinion.

 

 

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After Congress passed an anti-online sex trafficking bill, Craigslist shut down its Personals ads. Craigslist advised site visitors who still want to pay for sex to start browsing “Yard Sales”.

A woman angry over being bumped from an overbooked United Airlines flight was stunned to receive a $10,000 flight credit voucher. Asked by reporters why the woman was removed, a United spokesperson said they needed the space for dog coffins.

A Colorado district is transitioning to a four-day Tuesday-through-Friday school week. Mondays can now be freely used by students to score weed.

Playboy model Karen McDougal, in an interview with Anderson Cooper, apologized to Melania Trump for the sexual affair she allegedly had with Donald Trump. “No problem, you did ME the favor” replied Melania in a hand-written note with a Neiman Marcus gift card.

NASCAR postponed its race in Martinsville, Virginia on Sunday due to snow.  NASCAR fans were reluctant to leave, with most thinking they walked into a Coors Light ad.

Stormy Daniels’ interview with Anderson Cooper aired on 60 Minutes on Sunday, driving the show to its highest ratings in 10 years. CBS responded with a preview of next week’s feature: ‘Jenna Jameson Does Syria’.

Facebook Founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg took out full-page newspaper ads to apologize for Facebook’s role in the Cambridge Analytica scandal, leading to a flood of calls by grandparents asking their kids and grandkids what Facebook and Cambridge Analytica are.

Amid speculation that he can’t find lawyers to aid his defense in the Russia investigation, President Trump tweeted that “many lawyers” want to join his team, all of whom have promised a “free consultation” and a history of winning “huge cash settlements”.

The day after the multi-city “March for our Lives”, Pope Francis used his Palm Sunday sermon to tell young people to ‘cry out’ to demand change. Except for young victims of Catholic priest sex abuse, who he told to ‘just be cool and deposit the check.’

Financial and industry analysts are speculating that Apple is working on a foldable iPhone, as Apple focuses on finding new ways to help iPhone users break their screens.

A 90-year-old Fremont, California man fell in a well and had to tread water for two hours waiting to be rescued. He was hospitalized with hypothermia and lacerations, and did not get his wish.

 

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TV ratings for NFL football dropped 10% this year, after an 8% drop last year. Commissioner Roger Goodell hopes to reverse the trend by allowing fans to binge-watch full seasons at once.

Tiangong-1, a 9.4-ton space station launched years ago by China, will make a planned crash into Earth as winter ends. It will be visible in the night sky going slower than usual with its turn signal left flashing for the duration of reentry.

Mark Zuckerberg said that his personal challenge for 2018 is fixing Facebook, while a majority of Americans state their personal challenge for 2018 is fleeing Facebook.

A Connecticut man faces animal cruelty charges for ripping the heads off of 20 chickens in a “jealous rage” after seeing pictures of his wife partying with other people on Christmas.  Horrified witnesses described the scene as ‘a lot of running around.’

Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek is taking a medical leave of absence after brain surgery to correct these blood clots on the brain. “What are subdural hematoma?” said his doctor whose cash winnings total over $15,000 dollars.

Amazon is bringing Alexa to wearable fitness trackers, just as soon as the company can program a few dozen ways for her to tell you that you’re ‘big boned’.

Apple confirmed that all of its Mac and iOS devices are susceptible to hacks from the newly-discovered Meltdown and Spectre bugs, but that updated batteries are available for just $29 if you want your devices ruined faster.

According to an expose in Indian newspaper The Tribune, India’s national ID database – containing personal information for a billion residents – is available to anyone willing to pay $10 to a mysterious man known as Anil Kumar. As to the extent of the damage from identity theft, the report says it’s too soon to Patel.

GoPro laid off between 200-300 employees in its drone division, as seen in an overhead video of sad people carrying cardboard boxes to their cars.

Cold temperatures in Florida are causing iguanas to drop out of trees. Since the iguanas could be carriers of dangerous salmonella bacteria, residents are advised to leave them alone and let them fall into sinkholes once it warms up.

 

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Researchers at Boston University believe they have established a biomarker for detecting CTE in professional football players – they’re calling it “a pulse”.

Playboy Magazine founder Hugh Hefner died at age 91, from blood clot complications in a priapism that he’d kept going since 1986.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at the President, who had called Facebook ‘anti-Trump’. Zuckerberg said Facebook is not ‘anti-Trump’ .. just anti-privacy and – for a modest advertising fee – anti- any race, religion or ethnicity.

Trump spoke at a rally in Indiana to introduce his new Tax Reform proposal; details are sparse since it’s still being audited.

Axios reports that President Trump is physically mocking GOP Senators John McCain & Mitch McConnell in private for their failure to support him. Once Trump nails his Obama impression, he’ll join Rich Little for a rally in Branson, Missouri.

 

Authors from six public interest groups graded 25 fast-food chains for their actions to reduce antibiotics in menu items. Only Chipotle and Panera Bread received ‘A’s; McDonald’s & Wendy’s received ‘C’s. Sonic got an F. Arby’s received an Incomplete because testers were too sick to finish.

A 47 year-old British man was x-rayed and diagnosed with a lung tumor, which was later revealed to be a Playmobil toy traffic cone he had inhaled at the age of 7. Doctors removed the cone, saying it should have come out during a prior surgery to remove several toy cars he’d inhaled that were parked around it.

Jane Fonda appeared on Megyn Kelly Today to promote her new movie with costar Robert Redford. Fonda curtly lashed back at Kelly’s questions about her plastic surgery. Redford’s face could be seen laughing as it poked through the third button down on his shirt.

Friday is National Coffee Day, with a number of coffee shops and stores offering deals. This year, however, 7-Eleven will not be offering a deal. Store owners are encouraging customers to just walk out without paying for it like they always do.

Maye Musk, the 69 year-old mother of tech billionaire Elon Musk, is the newest face of Cover Girl cosmetics. Maye is easy, breezy, beautiful and pissing off other senior women who  sure as hell could use that money more than her.

Medical journal The Lancet reports that roughly half of abortions worldwide are unsafe. Among the most risky locations? – Latin America, and the Pocono Mountains near Kellerman’s resort.