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Apple announced they’re ending development on an autonomous self-driving electric car, which is devastating news to the 13 & Under Division of the United Chinese Auto Workers Association.

AT&T promised to refund $5 for their massive cellular outage last week. Their AT&T customers will see a bill credit; Boost Mobile customers on AT&T’s network asked if they can get the five bucks in their CashApp.

Donald Trump is trying to post a $100 million bond to appeal his $450 million financial fraud judgment, instead of the full judgment amount required by New York law. He said he has the other $350 million, but the banks in Moscow are closed.

Google CEO Sundar Pichai called its Gemini AI blunder – which depicted Asians & Blacks as World War II-era Nazis – “unacceptable”. “Yeah! What HE said!” replied American Nazis.

Saudi Arabia’s Public Investment Fund will sponsor the Men’s ATP Tennis Tour. They wanted to sponsor the Women’s Tour, but players felt they’d trip on the ankle-length skirts.

Mitch McConnell will step down from his role as GOP Leader in the U.S. Senate, in a prepared announcement made by the sign language interpreter, then by McConnell himself a minute later when the words finally traveled from his brain to his mouth.

Monica Lewinsky made her fashion debut in a campaign for L.A.-based work apparel brand Reformation, with one photo captioned ‘Monica F*cking Lewinsky’. Historians are debating whether the f should be an s. R

‘The Sopranos‘ actress Drea De Matteo said joining OnlyFans saved her house from foreclosure and paid off her mortgage “in five minutes” at a time when she had only $10 to her name. Meanwhile, OnlyFans posthumous nudes of Paulie Walnuts haven’t been a real moneymaker.

Actress Busy Philipps said of her role in infamous Wayans Brothers film ‘White Chicks‘ that she was embarrassed at first….and second…and third…and now.

Hip-hop superstar Travis Scott’s Brentwood, California mansion is now resting on a massive hillside crack. He’s concerned, but as his romance with Kylie Jenner would show, he’s also a fan of massive cracks.

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California Senator Dianne Feinstein passed away at age 90. She’ll be recognized with a long moment of silence on the Senate floor when Mitch McConnell tries talking about her.

Senator Feinstein reportedly took a turn for the worse when the Senate passed a new dress code this week, meaning she could no long attend hearings wearing a bathrobe.

The Centers for Disease Control said the U.S. is in the midst of a sexually-transmitted disease “epidemic”. Mississippi has the highest STD infection rate, with residents as young as 13 reporting infections after returning from their honeymoon.

General Mills debuted its first new ‘Monster Cereal’ in 35 years. Carmella Creeper, a caramel-apple flavored cereal, joins Boo Berry, Frankenberry and Count Chocula. Carmella Creeper was formerly known as Fruit Brute, but underwent cereal reassignment.

NSYNC released ‘Better Place’, their first new single together in 20 years. O-Town also plans to release new music, depending on the results of the GoFundMe they started to get studio time.

A customer dissatisfied with repair work and an auto shop owner shot each other to death. First responders were unable to revive either victim with jumper cables.

ABC’s The Golden Bachelor premiered Thursday, with 72-year-old Gerry Turner meeting over twenty 60+ bachelorettes. Turner kissed several of them, some so passionately he had to return their teeth.

National Parks will close in the event of a government shutdown. Environmentalists fear this will negatively impact bears and alligators who won’t have enough tourists to eat.

Heavy downpours flooded New York City subways. The water levels were so high, you couldn’t see which passengers were masturbating.

Police were called to Britney Spears house for a ‘wellness check’ after she posted a video dancing with knives. The cops decided not to take any action, but she was offered a job by Cirque du Soleil.

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The FDA approved the first-ever pill to treat postpartum depression. It’s a sleeping pill for babies.

Chris Christie returned from an unannounced trip to Ukraine and spoke of the atrocities he experienced there – like seeing a blown-up McDonald’s in Kyiv.

Elon Musk said his ‘cage match’ with Mark Zuckerberg may be delayed. He’s getting an MRI on his neck and upper back to see if they’ve been damaged by carrying around his fat head.

Amidst a record-breaking heat wave, an oncoming typhoon will force the evacuation of 40,000 youths & adults at the World Scout Jamboree in South Korea. No scouts have died, but if they do, organizers are promising posthumous merit badges.

Lightning strikes in the area forced a delayed start to Beyonce’s Washington, DC concert. A shelter-in-place order was issued to concertgoers, and performers were ordered to twerk-in-place.

A Florida man was arrested after his wife’s remains were found in three separate suitcases and a tote bag. The tote bag was so he could stow her head under the seat in front of him.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was heckled to ‘retire’ during the entirety of a five-minute speech in his home state. The speech consisted of “Good”, 4 minutes & 58 seconds of silence, and “morning”.

A Smith & Wesson revolver owned by Elvis Presley is up for auction, where it’s expected to sell for between $60,00-90,000. It features custom engraving, an embossed bald eagle, and a lot of peanut butter on the handle & barrel.

A bear being transported on an Iraqi Airways flight from Dubai to Baghdad exited his crate prior to departure, forcing all passengers to deplane while they decided who’d sit next to it once he was upgraded to Business Class.

A transgender Michigan woman is demanding her ex-boyfriend return her surgically-removed testicles, which she says he’s keeping in his refrigerator. Or at least move them to the freezer, since their Best By date is getting close.

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On the season finale of The Kardashians, Kylie Jenner said she regrets getting a boob job at a young age, but added it was a pretty great 12th birthday.

Doctors now say isometric exercise is a good way to lower blood pressure, along with cardio exercise, or stopping your heart altogether.

Donald Trump is now charged with conspiring to destroy Mar A Lago surveillance footage in the classified documents case. Trump is said to be furious, since co-defendants also deleted footage from the ladies locker room.

Mitch McConnell’s representatives said he’ll serve through 2024 as GOP leader in the Senate, after he communicated his intentions to them through mind-meld.

Fan activity from a Taylor Swift concert in Seattle registered 2.3 on a seismometer. It’s believed to be the first time 50,000 people paid over $1,000 each to be in an earthquake.

Divorcing couple Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are fighting for custody of their dog, Bubbles. However, Sofia will retain sole custody of her own bubbles.

Dr. Katharine Roxanne Grawe, aka “Dr. Roxy”, had her Ohio medical license revoked for posting TikTok videos during cosmetic surgery she performed – including breast augmentation and Brazilian butt lifts – without patient consent. TLC also cancelled her planned tv show, Doctor Bra Popper.

A Spirit Airlines passenger urinated on the floor of the jet next to an exit door, after claiming she’d been denied use of the lavatory for two hours. Spirit’s spokesperson said she was only denied use of the bathroom because she refused to pay the $20 checked-urine fee.

The Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska wants to give homeless people one-way tickets to warmer climates before the start of frigid Alaska winter. Hearing of the deal, many longtime Anchorage residents have filed to declare themselves homeless.

A 39-year-old Florida manatee died earlier this year after having “high-intensity” sex with its brother at the aquarium where they both lived. Counselors were made available to the fourth-grade students visiting the aquarium on a field trip that day.

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McDonald’s reported strong second-quarter earnings thanks to its Grimace’s Birthday promotion and limited-time Grimace Shake. They’re hoping for similar positive results with the upcoming Hamburglar Granted Parole promotion.

NASA’s new space telescope, scheduled for launch in 2027, could spot up to 400 planets similar in size to Earth – and, in-between, allow NASA incel employees to look through bedroom windows in their neighborhoods.

A raccoon was spotted on a baggage carousel at Philadelphia International Airport. The raccoon appeared confused because he’d checked in on a Frontier flight from Orlando to Newark.

It was revealed that Mitch McConnell has fallen multiple times this year, and may have suffered some cognitive impairment by striking his head after failing to inflate his neck pouch in time.

A lost city believed to have been abandoned over 1,000 years ago was discovered in the Campeche jungle of Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula – soon to be the location of Mexico’s newest Starbucks.

The rebranded Twitter, X, reportedly took over the @X handle without notifying or compensating its owner. Since @XX was already taken by a bootlegger and @XXX by a porn star, he was offered @XXXX.

Rudy Giuliani admitted in court that he knew the Georgia results of the 2020 Presidential Election were authentic and lied about it. He still insists black is his natural hair color.

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce attempted to give Taylor Swift a bracelet with his phone number on it after her shows at Arrowhead Stadium, but was not allowed to meet her. Lil Nas X asked for the bracelet, but was similarly rejected.

Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill settled with an employee of a Miami marina, who he’d punched in the back of the head for refusing to allow him to board a boat. Other passengers were just happy to spot a dolphin before even leaving the dock.

More sex workers are coming forward claiming that they’d met alleged Gilgo Beach killer Rex Heuermann. The local sheriff said he’s taking private meetings with each of them to see if they really know what they’re doing.

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Five cars rented by Joe Biden’s Secret Service detail burst into flames after they were returned to the Nantucket Airport. Worse, they didn’t pay for the insurance from Hertz.

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian finalized their divorce settlement, with West paying $200,000 each month in child support. Kardashian insists the settlement is amicable, but then enrolled their kids in Hebrew school.

Mitch McConnell was called a loser by Donald Trump for saying that Trump’s dinner with anti-Semites Kanye West & Nick Fuentes aren’t the behavior of someone who would be elected President – but it’s probably okay if they’re running for Governor of North Dakota.

San Francisco approved a measure enabling SFPD’s use of remote-controlled robots to apply lethal force when necessary. In other news, SFPD projects a 30% one-week decline in homeless panhandlers.

Dr. Mehmet Oz is reportedly failing in an effort to relaunch his tv show after being defeated in a run for U.S. Senate. In the meantime he’ll launch a newsletter so you can stay abreast of which of supplements will let you poop your way to weight loss.

The Washington D.C. Police Department is reportedly trying to poach Philadelphia police officers by offering a $20,000 hiring bonus. Philly cops are interested, but prefer the bonuses be delivered as cash stuffed in a paper bag behind a Wawa.

Oath Keepers leader Stewart Rhodes was found guilty of seditious conspiracy, and could face decades in prison, where he’ll likely make and keep an oath of monogamy to his cellmate.

Three women will referee a men’s World Cup match for the first time – a huge leap forward in showing a global audience that women can be just as terrible officiating soccer as men.

Developers are planning a supertall skyscraper in Austin, Texas, believed to
be over 980 feet high. From the observation deck, you’ll be able to view more
hipsters at once than anywhere else in the world.

A new experimental drug appears to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s in a
clinical trial. Patients receiving the drug were 75% more likely than a
placebo-control group to recall specific plot points in NCIS and Matlock
episodes.

 

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Superhero blockbuster film ‘The Batman‘ will not be released in Russia. Theatre owners there declared a war crime over the studio’s plan to replace it with showings of ‘Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming‘.

Katy Perry walked off the set of American Idol in protest after Lionel Richie passed on sending Aretha Franklin’s granddaughter Grace to the next round of auditions. Instead of Grace getting his R-E-S-P-E-C-T, Richie socked it to her, socked it to her, socked it to her…

The WNBA fined the New York Liberty $500,000 for flying the team on charter aircraft, because all teams aren’t wealthy enough to afford it. Other teams use the league’s official airline, Spirit, and are required to serve drinks in-flight.

100 diplomats walked out of Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov’s speech to the United Nations in Geneva. They were protesting Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, and also heard lunch was ready.

The International Taekwando Federation stripped Vladimir Putin of his black belt following Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. North Korea’s Kim Jong Un said this does not affect their planned tag-team appearance at Ruthless Dictator Wrestlemania.

Tiny, autonomous two-wheeled robots made in Mexico will be sent to the Moon to study its surface and gather samples to see if areas can be mined for precious minerals. The robots will be identifiable by their Mexican flags, fuzzy dice and statue of Mary on the dashboard.

Negotiations continue between Major League Baseball owners and the MLB Players Union, with both sides hoping to reach a new working agreement, and avoid anyone actually having to watch USFL games instead.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said there isn’t room in the Republican Party for white supremacists. At least not until midterm election results come in for Mississippi, Alabama, and other southern states.

Hulk Hogan is now officially divorced from his second wife, Jennifer McDonald, who cited Irreconcilable Hulkamania.

A possible case of deer-to-human coronavirus transmission is being investigated in Canada, now that the couple is quarantining after their honeymoon.

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A 30-year-old Georgia substitute teacher was arrested after recording video of herself secretly masturbating in front of a second grade class. “Hey, it beats doing multiplication tables” said a student.

Suzanne Somers was doing a Facebook Live makeup tutorial with her husband when a male intruder entered her house and started talking to her. Three is apparently not “company”, but rather “misdemeanor unlawful entry”.

Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Minority Leader Mitch McConnell agreed on the terms of Donald Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial. Schumer agreed to keep it short, and McConnell agreed to make sure Democrats don’t get a conviction.

Hayley Hallmark, a 35-year-old Florida teacher and soccer coach, was arrested following a two-year affair with a female student. Hallmark said her goal was to show the student she cared enough to send her very best.

Paris Hilton returned to Utah to testify about alleged abuse she suffered at a private boarding school as a teenager. Hilton told legislators she was repeatedly subjected to harsh examinations to solve mathematical problems.

Mike Pence is launching a podcast, as soon as he stops getting distracted by the big, hard microphone.

Michelle Obama will star in a kids cooking show for Netflix, ‘Waffles & Mochi’. She’ll play a grocery store owner who helps two puppets – the title characters – try to become chefs despite failing to get a CARES Act small-business loan several times.

Walgreens COVID-19 vaccine signup page is reportedly crashing. The company said the website can’t handle the added volume for vaccine inquiries on top of visits from cheapskate men looking for Valentiine’s Day gifts.

Sotheby’s is selling a rare pair of Nike Hyperdunk high-top basketball sneakers designed for President Obama for $25,000. Meanwhile, Big Lots is selling Russian made MAGADunks donut-eating slippers for much less.

A GoFundMe to help Tessica Brown – the Louisiana woman who sprayed Gorilla Glue on her hair – raised over $13,000. She’ll fly to Los Angeles where a plastic surgeon will determine she forgot she’s been wearing a wig.

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Kirk Cameron was criticized for organizing a Christmas caroling event at a California mall, drawing 500 participants with few wearing masks or social distancing. Cameron himself got angry at the hundreds who stayed after for a seance to contact Boner.

Tom Cruise cursed out crew members on the London set of Mission Impossible 7 for not social distancing. After his rant, Cruise peeled off his mask to reveal he was actually Vice President-elect Kamala Harris!!

Mitch McConnell spoke on the Senate floor to finally congratulate Joe Biden on winning the 2020 election, then sent a photo to Donald Trump of his fingers crossed behind his back.

California Congressman Eric Swalwell addressed an Axios report about his relationship with suspected Chinese spy Christine Fang in 2015. Swalwell said he did not share sensitive information with Feng, and only loved her short time.

Ivanka Trump and Donald Trump Jr both condemned government lockdowns of small businesses not ‘grounded in science’. This, from two people who were probably at some point grounded for failing science.

Hulu will produce a limited-run series about the Pamela Anderson & Tommy Lee sex tape. Their goal for the series is to get one one-thousandth of the views gotten by the sex tape.

California is reportedly ordering thousands of body bags as the COVID-19 death toll rises. They’re also telling relatives the bags take an extra week to arrive if they want them monogrammed.

MacKenzie Scott – ex-wife of Jeff Bezos – donated $4.2 billion of her estimated $60 billion fortune to charity in just the last four months, and stopped taking Donald Trump and Mike Pence’s calls when they found out about it.

A 5.000-year-old relic from the Great Pyramid of Giza was discovered in a cigar box in Scotland. It’s believed to be the world’s oldest souvenir refrigerator magnet.

The Federal Reserve announced they may make downward adjustments to interest rates, in order to lower mortgage rates and boost the economy. That way, people can buy houses now and maybe move into them a year later.

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Due to timing of NFL approvals, the Washington Football Team said they may need to keep their name through the 2021 season. Although they may slightly change it to Washington New & Improved Football Team.

According to overnight metrics, last night’s final Presidential Debate was watched by over 50 million Americans who forgot there was a football game on.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said there’s no cause for concern despite bandages and visible bruising on his hands, adding that he normally loses two pints of blood during a manicure.

U.S. astronaut Kate Rubins voted while aboard the International Space Station. Then she immediately filed a complaint about the Russian cosmonaut assigned to the ISS as a poll watcher by the Trump campaign.

Police in Queens are looking for a suspect who’s robbed six different Chinese food delivery drivers, taking their phones and cash, but not the food because MSG gives him headaches.

Quibi will shut down in December. Or sooner, it’s currently at about 4% battery life.

Mattel is issuing a Tiny Dancer Barbie to commemorate the 45th Anniversary of Elton John’s famous Dodger Stadium concert. The doll costs $19.99, but accessories including cocaine and hair plugs are hundreds of dollars extra.

Santa Claus will not appear at Macy’s stores for the first time in 160 years due to the pandemic. Children are asked to send their letters to him care of the North Pole Hospital Intensive Care Unit.

Ariana Grande released a new video for her song ‘Positions’ where she’s President of the United States. Difference being, she just licks the donuts instead of eating a lot of them.

The Los Angeles Fire Department introduced the Thermite RS3 – the world’s first firefighting robot. It’s been under development for several years – one month learning to shoot water, and 35 months learning to get drunk and run chicken barbecues.