By |

Online platform Fanvue announced the finalists in the Miss AI Pageant – a contest for AI-generated female personas. Judging will be based on realism, their social clout, and the number of dick pics received in online voting.

Apple unveiled a new calculator app for iPad OS 18, which displays math work written with an Apple Pencil, has graphing features, and when you enter 80085 will display actual boobs.

An activist investor is seeking a hostile takeover of Southwest Airlines, citing disappointing financial results. A passenger on a Spirit Airlines flight experienced a hostile takeover of his aisle seat by a large bully who paid $26 for his ticket.

A man celebrating his recovery from prostate cancer surgery at a diner sneezed, forcing part of his colon to fall out of his body. He was rushed to a nearby hospital and is fine, while other diner patrons asked not to have whatever he ordered.

The WNBA is experiencing record TV viewership with the arrival of rookie Caitlin Clark. It’s such a big jump, Clark is being recruited to play in the United Football League next year to help their crummy ratings.

A 21-year-old man was assaulted by two other men just before sundown on Saturday at the Jersey Shore’s Wildwood boardwalk. He was treated and is recovering at the Calmwood boardwalk.

Moderna is reporting positive test results from its combination flu/COVID vaccine, saying immunity is as good as the individual shots, and they can get two tracking microchips in test subjects at the same time.

Increased occupancy rates indicate malls and shopping centers are making a comeback. Shoplifting is making an even bigger comeback

Donald Trump is at risk of losing the liquor licenses for his Pennsylania and New Jersey golf & country clubs because he’s now a convicted felon. Trump executives Eric & Don Jr. hope to throw off regulators by changing the name of the clubs to Tromp.

Former ‘The Sopranos’ star Drea De Matteo said starting an OnlyFans account made her realize that she’s a ’52-year-old woman with a smokin’ hot body’. “I wouldn’t say ‘smokin’…” said a fan who cancelled.

By |

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant suffered a broken back after a hard landing on a flight to California. She fell off the sink while in the lavatory with a copilot.

A police lieutenant in a Philadelphia suburb is accused of providing answers for an oral exam to a prospective police cadet. The lieutenant denies it, and adds the answers aren’t hard, including “shoot the guy”; “where’s my bribe?” and “jelly donuts”.

The Wall Street Journal reports that the FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago was prompted by a confidential informant, known only as Deep Slovenian Throat.

Disney+ is raising its monthly rates for ad-free content, despite an injunction filed to halt it from She-Hulk Attorney At Law.

Major League Baseball – whose rules prohibit in-game use of electronics – is investigating Pittsburgh Pirates second baseman Rodolfo Castro, whose cellphone fell out of his pocket as he slid into third base. The Tinder match on Castro’s screen also asked when he’d be sliding into third base.

Kevin Federline said his two sons with Britney Spears are choosing not to spend time with her because of her steady stream of nude Instagram photos. They prefer to stay with Federline, confident that they, along with everyone else, will never see him nude.

After 10 years off store shelves, General Mills is reintroducing Count Chocula, Frankenberry & Boo Berry – the Monsters Of Childhood Obesity.

Moderna’s CEO said he expects their COVID vaccine to evolve “like an iPhone”. Meaning old people will get a new one every six years.

Marguerite Koller, 99, of Blue Bell, Pennsylvania recently celebrated the arrival of her 100th great-grandchild. Unfortunately, Koller’s right hand is now paralyzed from writing so many five-dollar checks for birthday cards.

Investigators determined a foul stench in Paulsboro, New Jersey was from a truck releasing fumes from a fuel additive. They can now turn their attention to the foul stench of sunbathers along the Jersey Shore.

By |

Netflix lost 200,000 subscribers, and said password sharing was partially to blame for putting their quarterly totals in the Upside Down.

Popeyes plans to open 200 new restaurants, and will incorporate a new restaurant design with more defibrillators, and more open space for fistfights when they roll out new menu items.

The FDA is investigating reports of people experiencing stomach pain, vomiting & diarrhea after eating Lucky Charms. However, the leprechaun is happy he’s found a way to keep people from stealing them.

Amy Schumer said her trichotillomania – which caused her to obsessively pull out her hair during her teen years – made her feel “unlovable” and “not great at spelling her disease”.

Moderna said they’re releasing an updated COVID booster shot this fall, that better combats virus variants while making the tracking chip 50% smaller.

Lizzo said she’s in a relationship. Then, when the pizza was gone, said she’s single again.

The USFL Pittsburgh Maulers cut running back De’Veon Smith because he ordered pizza instead of chicken salad at the team cafeteria. The team said the $20 for the pizza forced them to declare bankruptcy.

A woman’s viral Tik Tok video tells how she suffered a panic attack because her tattoo artist talked inappropriately about her while she was topless. The tattoo artist defended his remarks, saying they were on treadmills at Planet Fitness.

Uber will no longer require face masks, so passengers can more clearly hear how they’re being sexually harassed.

Workout apparel giant Lululemon plans to grow to over $12 billion in sales by growing sales to men and launching a resale program for gently used yoga pants and sports bras – mainly by selling them to creepy men.

By |

Moderna said its COVID vaccine for children aged 6 months to 5 years is effective in preventing severe effects of the virus. In fact, it’s so effective, your kids will be screaming for it.

The FDA recalled three blood pressure medications because they may cause cancer. Although you can still get them if you have a BadRX card.

A North Carolina teacher resigned after a student recorded audio of him calling them “idiots”, in what’s being called one of the worst graduation speeches ever.

U.S. airlines are asking the FAA to end the mask mandate, saying it’s the sixth-biggest complaint passengers have about flying.

Police in Upper Moreland, Pennsylvania successfully removed a soda can stuck on the head of a neighborhood skunk, but currently have no leads on the two carjackings that happened while they were busy.

New images from an international space telescope show ORCs, or “odd radio circles”, bigger than a galaxy. The 10th astronaut caller in to the radio circle wins Styx tickets.

UFC fighter Jorge Masvidal was arrested after punching rival Colby Covington outside a Miami restaurant, breaking his tooth. Covington returned inside, then a woman in a bikini paraded around the sidewalk holding a card reading ‘Round 2’ before they resumed fighting.

Spinosaurus – the biggest carnivorous dinosaur ever, larger than a T Rex – was amphibious and hunted prey underwater. Although it preferred hunting on land, because it hated how it looked in a swimsuit.

University of Arizona basketball player Benn Mathurin apologized to a Texas Christian University cheerleader, whose breast he accidentally touched leaving the court after his team’s victory. The cheerleader hasn’t responded, but was awarded two free throws.

Leah Shutkever of England broke the Guinness World Record by eating 19 chicken nuggets in one minute. Her record was broken seconds later by some guy at a red light after hitting the McDonald’s drive-thru at 1a.m.

By |

Colorado’s Marshall wildfire has expanded to 6,200 acres, leading to the posthumous rerelease of little-known John Denver song ‘Rocky Mountain Hot‘.

Speculation is growing that Ghislaine Maxwell will try to cut a deal with prosecutors seeking to charge other acquaintances of Jeffrey Epstein, so long as she doesn’t leave them hanging.

New York Governor Kathy Hochul declared racism a “public health emergency”, but denied the request of thousands of New York bigots trying to claim disability benefits for the disease they’re spreading.

A new analysis finds the J&J COVID vaccine is 85% effective preventing hospitalization, and 15% effective making people lying in ICUs wish they’d gotten Moderna or Pfizer instead.

Singer Grimes posted a baby-bump photo, sparking rumors that she’s once again pregnant after another test launch of Elon Musk’s rocket.

Heather Rae Young, new wife of ‘Flip Or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa, documented her fertility process on social media. El Moussa is taking a brief break from fixer-uppers to focus on knock-er-uppers.

Orlini Kaipara of New Zealand’s News Channel 3 became the first-ever network news anchor with face tattoos – securing the milestone after Mike Tyson failed an audition to take over for Chris Cuomo on CNN.

The people of Spain mark the stroke of midnight on New Year’s Eve with a tradition of eating 12 grapes for good luck – though others just chug wine, the equivalent of a couple hundred grapes.

Male officials of Jordan’s Parliament brawled after a session debating amending the constitution to explicitly recognize female citizens. No one was hurt, because they threw punches like girls.

Blackberry devices will lose call, data & text functionality as of January 4th. So if 2002 calls to ask for its cell phone back, you won’t be able to answer it.

By |

Vice President Kamala Harris will be the first woman with Presidential power when President Joe Biden is under anesthesia during a colonoscopy. Harris issued an Executive Order raising the White House thermostat to 72 degrees.

Singers Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes announced they’ve broken up, largely because they didn’t like the sound of ‘Shawmila’.

The FDA authorized Pfizer and Moderna COVID vaccine boosters for all adults, creating thousands of jobs to add a third line of fraudulent shots to counterfeit vaccine cards.

A gang of six people were captured in Brazil, accused of stealing horses for slaughter and selling tons of horse meat as beef. The meat has been seized, delaying the grand opening of a dozen Fogo de Chao Brazilian Steakhouses.

Pete Davidson is reportedly ‘officially dating’ Kim Kardashian – or, as he likes to call her, ‘Triple Grande’.

Macy’s stock rose 20% on better-than-expected earnings, and a positive Christmas outlook fueled by husbands & boyfriends purchasing gifts that their partners pretend to like and can’t bring themselves to return.

Spotify added lyrics to all the songs streaming on its service – leading to hundreds of white people getting pummeled for saying racial slurs aloud while listening to their favorite rappers on the subway.

Julia Stiles is pregnant with her second child, and will attempt to break her own record for saying the phrase “get me the epidural” in the most masculine-sounding voice ever.

Kourtney Kardashian clapped back at a social media critic who criticized her for supposedly not spending enough time with her kids. She captioned a photo of her horseback riding in Mexico with Mason, 11; Penelope, 9; and Whatshisface, 6.

Travis Scott is facing $2 billion in lawsuits related to fatalities and injures suffered at his Astroworld festival. The U.S. Mint has ordered maximum production of $100 bills that Scott intends to make rain via settlements.

By |

Mike Richards was fired as Executive Producer of both Jeopardy! and Wheel Of Fortune. Richards solved the puzzle M_K_ W_’R_ L_TT_NG YOU GO.

“Roaching” is the latest dating term among young adults, when they discover a partner has many other romantic contacts they don’t know about. Presumably “cockroaching” is when they discover numerous male romantic contacts.

The New England Patriots cut QB Cam Newton. He was ordered to turn in his playbook, as well as Coach Belichick’s copies of every other NFL team’s playbook.

Three unvaccinated comedians died of COVID-19 after participating in a ‘clean’ comedy contest. “What the frick?” they said from their ER beds.

An 80-pound female cougar kept as a pet was rescued from a NYC apartment. The owner didn’t care since he found a woman under 40 anyway.

Republicans are threatening telecom companies that comply with the Congressional January 6th Committee request for their private texts and messages. So far they have nothing to worry about, as Democrats are still on hold with Verizon, Xfinity, AT&T, etc.

Chloe Mrozak, 24, of Illinois, was arrested for using a fake COVID-19 vaccination card to enter Hawaii indicating she’d taken the “MADERNA” shots. Mrozak emailed her parents, saying she was stuck in a Hannalooloo jail.

A Texas school district closed after two teachers died of COVID-19. They tried to remain open, but dozens of children collapsed from exhaustion during the district’s contingency plan of all-day gym class.

A Sacramento school district says that 29 of its students remain stuck in Afghanistan. Worse, the Taliban took, and are beating them with, their marching band instruments.

Pope Francis said in an interview he never considered resigning his post, after surgery to remove half his colon. “Hey, if I didn’t quit over all those molested boys, I’m not quitting over this” he said.

By |

Tinder is introducing Background Checks to increase dating safety. They’ll check for violence, restraining orders, arrests and convictions, but added that you shouldn’t worry about any of that stuff if you’re hot enough.

A viral video shows a cat successfully opening a door using a doorknob. What’s even more impressive – and sad – is the mouse who thought it was safe after it pushed the door closed.

The Internal Revenue Service launched the Get My Payment site for eligible U.S. residents to track their $1,400 stimulus payments. The IRS is partnering with Amazon on a link to their site, Blow My Payment.

A day care center in South Philadelphia was hit by a Molotov cocktail. No one was hurt despite multiple South Philly toddlers returning gunfire.

Moderna has begun tests of their COVID-19 vaccine in children. It’s 100% effective making them shriek and cry.

A fireworks explosion in a commercial building in Ontario, California killed two people and resulted in the evacuation of three neighboring blocks. It was ruled an accident because nobody heard ‘Stars & Stripes Forever’.

California Senator Dianne Feinstein, 87, said Tuesday that she intends to serve her full term, by which she meant Tuesday.

The National Hockey League Buffalo Sabres lost their 12th consecutive game and fired head coach Ralph Krueger. He’ll be replaced on an interim basis by a calculator to record how long the streak keeps going.

A woman dumped her boyfriend after seeing him kiss a different woman on a Ring doorbell – just another example of someone watching someone else steal their package.

Scientists from the University of Oslo say one side of the Earth’s interior is losing heat much faster than the other side. “See?!” said a woman holding a copy of the study while adjusting the thermostat.

By |

The latest Fast & Furious film, ‘F9’, is being delayed from Memorial Day weekend until the end of June, as Fast & Furious producers play it Slow & Rational.

Justice Amy Coney Barrett issued her first majority opinion for the Supreme Court, once she copied it from Clarence Thomas’ handwriting.

Martin Cooper, acknowledged as the inventor of the cellphone in 1973, says the current ‘digital divide’, with 40% of students unable to afford broadband, is unacceptable. “Whatever, grandpa” said poor students.

Nine great apes at the San Diego Zoo were given an experimental COVID-19 vaccine after an outbreak, while apes not getting vaccines wondered what made the nine so great.

Detroit Mayor Mike Duggan turned down an allocation of the Johnson & Johnson COVID-19 vaccines, saying the Moderna and Pfizer vaccines are better, and besides it’s never been difficult to get shot in Detroit.

Tessica Brown, the ‘Gorilla Glue Girl’ who had glue surgically removed from her hair & scalp, had two lumps in her breasts examined, but they were benign. The most difficult part of the exam was ungluing the push-up bra from her chest.

A Tom Brady rookie card sold for $1.32 million – though Brady tried to have the value deflated a little.

The creative team making ‘Space Jam 2’ redrew the Lola Bunny character to make her less sexualized and more strong, with smaller breasts and longer shorts. A disappointed Bugs Bunny then dumped her and is dating Petunia Pig.

Roughly 30,000 Apple Mac computers are infected with ‘Red Sparrow’ malware. It’s unknown what the malware’s full purpose is, but Apple programmers knew it wasn’t theirs because it loaded in under a half-hour.

Off-price retailer Burlington – formerly Burlington Coat Factory – plans to double its 750 locations despite the pandemic. They say their low-income customer base wants more clothes that make them look & feel like they’re still in 2015.