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Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.

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A former McDonald’s corporate chef shared a video with a recipe for Big Mac ‘secret sauce’ – mayonnaise, pickle relish, paprika, mustard, onion powder, granulated garlic & white pepper. But to get it just right you need a teenager to spit in it.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson is rumored to be cast as the next James Bond – the first Jewish actor to portray ‘007’. Producers are considering a remake of Goldfinger, and are auditioning actresses to portray Pussy Galorowitz.

Brain-chip implant company Neuralink revealed its first human trial patient, Noland Arbaugh, a quadraplegic. Arbaugh demonstrated on his laptop that he could move virtual chess pieces with his mind – but didn’t realize he was playing Candy Land.

Dunkin’ is honoring short, confident men with a limited-time small iced coffee drink called ‘The Short King’ – while continuing to insult those same men by selling Munchkins.

New York Attorney General Letitia James has taken initial steps to seize Donald Trump’s golf course in the event he can’t come up with $454 million in cash. James was seen wearing a hardhat & warming up a backhoe to move Ivana’s body.

Wildlife authorities in Ontario rescued a skunk with its head stuck in a peanut butter jar. By “wildlife authorities” they meant a dog who really wanted the peanut butter.

A two-headed rat snake at a Missouri wildlife refuge will undergo surgery after workers said the snake sneezing blood was a ‘red flag’ – but apparently the two heads are no big deal.

A Missouri zoo is asking for the public’s help naming a new baby kangaroo. Meanwhile, a Mississippi zoo is also asking for help naming a baby kangaroo, because Mississippians keep wanting to name it “dinner”.

DoorDash is now piloting drone deliveries in the U.S. So far multiple customers have suffered serious injuries getting their Chinese food off the roof.

Facebook has resurrected the ‘Poke’….to the delight of boomers who haven’t been poked in forever.

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Northeastern U.S. states are reporting a norovirus ‘stomach bug’ infection rate of 15% of the total population. It’s so bad, people are boarding Carnival Cruises to try and escape it.

A Florida man had 150 live bugs removed from his nostrils and sinuses, that he says he didn’t know were there. Although when he blew his nose the handkerchief would walk away when he set it down.

A Pennsylavnia man was convicted of his 12th DUI. He’s been given a star on the Field Sobriety Test Straight Line Walk Of Fame.

Makers of home pregnancy tests are introducing new menopause tests. They’re really just thermometers to see how high the hot flashes are.

Elon Musk said the human patient with a Neuralink brain implant can control a computer mouse with his mind. The patient used it to type the message “get.. this ..f*cking.. thing… out… of… my… brain…”

AT&T customers experienced a massive cell phone outage early this morning – forcing many of them to visit their parents & grandparents for the first time in years to borrow their land line.

Google updated the sign-in page for user accounts, making it easier across a variety of devices to log on and give them information to sell.

A new study finds 1 in 4 college students make less than their counterparts with only a high school degree. They didn’t get more specific, only to say the college rhymes with Muniversity of Schmoenix.

American casinos won $66.5 billion in 2023, the best year ever. “We’re due!” said compulsive gamblers.

A woman claims her family suffered food poisoning after eating a cake that her 8-year-old daughter made in an Easy Bake Oven. The family recovered, but the child is devastated by her parents’ Yelp! reviews.

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A new study finds performing music helps retain brain function as you age. Plenty of tickets still remain for the AARP-sponsored Rolling Stones Retaining Our Brain Function Tour.

Citing the $1,000-a-month cost, state employees in North Carolina will no longer be reimbursed for weight-loss drugs Wegovy and Ozempic. North Carolina said they’ll save the money now and spend it on fixing the heart attacks later.

Team USA 2022 Olympic figure skaters will receive gold medals after Russian skater Kamila Valieva was banned for a positive drug test. Kamila now identifies as Sergei and is training for the 2024 Paris games as a powerlifter.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink announced their first chip implant in a human brain. The procedure was funded by an anonymous donor who wanted help around the house and to quit being bothered for sex.

E. Jean Carroll appeared on The Rachel Maddow Show and compared Donald Trump to a walrus. Trump filed a defamation suit against Carroll seeking $83 million.

At a Turning Point conservative political conference, a speaker claimed My Pillow founder & Trump advocate Mike Lindell is “losing everything”. He’s so close to financial ruin that his company’s name may change to Somebody Else’s Pillow.

Health magazine ranked 13 Super Bowl party foods from best to worst, with a veggie platter ‘best’ and sweetened soda ‘worst’. The list omitted alcohol, so nobody will be going to their party, anyway.

A Pennsylvania man was awarded a $2.25 billion judgment against Monsanto for successfully arguing that use of weed killer RoundUp for 20 years caused his cancer. He plans to use the money to hire someone else to take care of his lawn.

The Czech Republic signed a deal with the U.S. government to acquire 24 F-35 fighter jets. This, despite a 40% Off coupon from Boeing to outfit 737 Max 9 jets with rockets.

Starbucks is launching the Oleato – an olive-oil & coffee beverage called ‘a legit laxative’ – nationwide. The drinks will cost upwards of six bucks, and the key to the restroom will cost twenty.

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Tiffany Haddish was arrested for her second DUI in as many years, both times falling asleep behind the wheel of her vehicle. She’s thinking of either entering rehab, or getting a Tesla that can drunk-drive itself.

For the third time, Diddy was sued by a woman alleging sexual assault and physical abuse – once again leaving fans to wonder Diddy? or Diddny? If this keeps up, he’s considering another name change to Diddn’t.

Wildlife officials warn that feral Canadian “super pigs” are threatening to migrate to the U.S. You’ll know them by their unique “Oonk”.

Life At Sea Cruises canceled their planned 3-year global voyage after admitting to ticketholders that they don’t have a boat. Despite issuing refunds, they’re facing lawsuits from passengers who rented out their homes, and adult children who thought they wouldn’t have to see their parents for three years.

Former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin was stabbed in a federal prison in Tucson the day after Thanksgiving. In other news, the inmate store posted record sales of shanks during their Black Friday Cellbuster Deal Day.

Pope Francis cancelled his planned Thanksgiving activities after being briefly hospitalized with the flu – but gave thanks that he caught the flu from some cute young altar boys.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chip implant company raised $43 million in funding, after he told other billionaires with chips implanted in their brains to give him $43 million.

Black Friday shoppers were evacuated from the American Dream Mall in New Jersey, following a bomb scare by someone threatening to turn it in to the Iraqi Dream Mall.

Taylor Swift posed for a photo with five family members of Ana Clara Benevides, who died of heat exhaustion & cardiac arrest at her concert in Brazil a week earlier. Her funeral is postponed after the family blew $2,000 each on concert tickets.

The NBA is investigating claims that Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey had an inappropriate relationship with a minor. In the meantime, Giddey will continue to play, and the young woman will enter the NBA’s Development Program for Groupies.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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Elon Musk confirmed that some monkeys died while testing his Neuralink brain-implant chips. Although the monkey’s surviving mates believe they were murdered because the chips made them smarter than Elon Musk.

Joe Biden is expected to nominate Ketanji Brown Jackson as the first black woman Supreme Court justice. Jackson, in turn, is expected to nominate Biden as the first old white dude at her cookout.

Dancing With The Stars professional Cheryl Burke filed for divorce from husband Matthew Lawrence, citing irreconcilable differences, and the two being out-of-step.

Aaron Rodgers was seen with Shailene Woodley. Though no longer engaged, the two remain Friends With Huddles.

India banned 54 Chinese smartphone apps over security concerns, including TikTok. Indian officials say if citizens want to watch housewives sing and dance, they can watch Bollywood movies.

Prince Harry & Meghan Markle say they stand with the people of Ukraine…in the backyard of their California mansion.

John Mayer tested positive for COVID-19. Several groupies have bodies that are a wonderland, but can’t taste or smell.

New strains of bird flu have been detected in the U.S., reinforcing the misguided beliefs of Southern U.S. COVID deniers who say vaccines & masks are “for the birds”.

Hank The Tank, a 500-pound black bear blamed for dozens of home break-ins in the California mountains, may not be at fault based on DNA evidence collected by wildlife officials, and by raccoons who have been granted immunity for their testimony.

The View’s Joy Behar said on the show she’s worried the Russian invasion of Ukraine might impact her Italian vacation. Whoopi Goldberg then tagged Behar on her way out of suspension, as Behar tags in.

Sharon Osbourne, who was fired from her own daytime show, The Talk, said she would never go back because producing network CBS “sucks big-time d**k”. She was accompanied by husband Ozzy, who’s now interested in CBS.

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Heavyweight boxer Andy Ruiz defeated Chris Arreola Saturday night, via a 12-round unanimous decision. Ruiz delivered more punches to an Arreola than Ronda Rousey did in her entire career.

A SpaceX Crew Dragon capsule made the first nighttime splashdown carrying U.S. astronauts since 1968. Police were called to the residence of a terrified homeowner to assist getting them out of his pool.

The NFL Draft concluded, with over 12 hours of live coverage spanning three days. To satisfy fans’ need to see names and pictures of athletes they’ve never heard of, this weekend Lifetime will air three days of 32 hot women picking men on Tinder.

A 39-year-old Colorado woman walking her two dogs was attacked and killed by a bear. The two dogs survived and called their owner “not as fast as us”.

Budweiser is offering a free beer to anyone providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination. Budweiser is also the Official Beer of COVID-19 Victims who lost their senses of taste & smell.

Medina Spirit won the Kentucky Derby, finishing ahead of socially-distanced second-place Mandaloun.

The CDC is claiming anxiety, not the contents of the Johnson & Johnson vaccine, caused adverse reactions to recipients. They cited dozens of anxious people who suffered blood clots watching ‘Godzilla vs Kong’.

A dozen people were injured when an outdoor deck collapsed as 40 people posed for a photo at Tennessee’s Soddy Daisy restaurant. 28 people asked if they could take the picture again.

Dcorey Johnson, a 3rd grader at a Louisville elementary school, is a viral sensation thanks to his singing the Star Spangled Banner during morning announcements. However, a dozen kindergartners are kneeling during the anthem to protest the lousy food at snack time.

Max Hodak, co-founder of brain-implant company Neuralink, resigned from the company. Then the other co-founder, Elon Musk, flipped a switch and Hodak changed his mind.

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Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg was confirmed, making him the first openly gay White House appointee. “Openly” being the operative word, according to former Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

Alejandro Mayorkas was also confirmed as Secretary of Homeland Security, despite the objections of some Republicans, who had been a Mayorkas pain.

The famous HOLLYWOOD sign was changed to HOLLYBOOB by influencers protesting censorship on Instagram. They’re concerned if nudity remains banned on Instagram, people won’t know where to find it on the Internet.

Comcast will double the speed of its Internet Essentials broadband service for low-income households, allowing more families than ever the chance to get their cam-girl or Only Fans careers off the ground.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink – which has wired a monkey’s brain to play video games using only its mind – is preparing for human trials. Apparently the monkey is tired of playing video games by himself.

EA Sports will release a new college football video game. To keep from paying colleges and players for their name & likeness, Every team will be called Football University and every player’s name will be Football Guy.

Scientists claim COVID-19 lockdowns caused a reduction in harmful emissions that block sunlight, thereby warming the planet. While others believe the higher temperatures result from housebound couples screwing with the thermostat.

Researchers studying spiders say they use ‘silk pulleys’ to raise large prey off the ground once they’ve been captured. Once the prey is secured, they celebrate with music from the piano they lifted into the web.

Experts say people dying after getting the COVID-19 vaccine doesn’t mean the vaccine is deadly. However, being 98 years old kind of is.

Taco Bell introduced customizable $5 Cravings Boxes, with 18 possible meal combinations, and one possible gastrointestinal outcome.

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A married Texas police chief resigned after he was discovered to have two different girlfriends, otherwise known as ‘Jack Tripper-ing’.

Republican Senators will present President Biden with a $608 billion COVID relief counterproposal at 5pm today. The meeting is expected to start right after they finish watching ‘Judge Judy’.

Elon Musk said his new startup, Neuralink, has wired a monkey’s brain that lets it play video games with its mind. This allows the monkey to remain hands-free so he can throw feces at the wall and masturbate.

An Idaho man won $250,000 from a scratch-off lottery ticket, the sixth time he won the lottery. Although the previous five wins were free scratch-off lottery tickets.

A New York man’s mother died in his apartment, and he attempted to hide the smell of her corpse by dousing it with Febreze. The guy at the crematorium said it was nice that the place smelled like fresh linen for a change.

NBCUniversal pledged to audition actors with disabilities in all of their upcoming film & tv projects. They say it’s important for actors in wheelchairs to hear “we’re looking for someone taller.”

NASA delayed its decision to award two contracts for missions to send astronauts to the moon. So far the favorites are Elon Musk’s SpaceX and Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin – and the longshot is the U.S. Postal Service.

Lego is adding bicycle lanes to its tiny city building kits. Sadly, several cyclists have been struck and killed after being stepped on.

NASA astronauts conducted their second spacewalk of the year, and are now just 9,950 steps short of getting in 10,000.

Oregon decriminalized all drugs and plans to offer addicts rehabilitation instead of prison. But in the meantime, things are about to get crazy at Oregon Walmarts.