By |

Sales of barbecue grills are reportedly down because of an increase in meat prices. Violent incidents at backyard parties are reportedly up because of an increase in serving of grilled vegetables.

The Boston Celtics are for sale. The only bid so far has been rejected, from a group of investors who want to change the name to The Reigning NBA Champion Philadelphia 76ers.

A study finds eating ultra processed foods causes a 10% reduction in life span. Lunchables now come with a discount coupon from Trust & Will.

Redbox declared bankruptcy. They owe $1 billion in debt and another 500 million in late fees.

Theme parks Six Flags and Cedar Point are planning a multi-billion dollar merger, pending approval from the roving gangs of teen punks terrorizing families at each.

Hurricane Beryl strengthened to Category 5, as it approaches Jamaica. Jamaica’s President, paraphrasing Bob Marley, told residents “every little thing…is not gonna be alright”.

Atlantic City, New Jersey officials formed the Boardwalk Improvement Group. The group is tasked with making a safer, more enjoyable experience for visitors on the boardwalk, and better drug deals and prostitution under it.

Pennsylvania fireworks stores are seeing increased foot traffic in advance of July 4th. Pennsylvania emergency rooms are expected to see increased missing finger, hand & foot traffic as well.

Harvard research shows Lexapro, Paxil & Cymbalta antidepressants cause the most weight gain – leading to the happy introduction of Ozempic w/Lexapro.

A social media trend among air travelers is “raw dogging” – flying with no headphones, video entertainment, snacks, drinks or personal items. This is also what Spirit Airlines calls Premium Class.

By |

A porch pirate in New Jersey stole a new cell phone delivery while posing as an Amazon driver. He then sent the victim a picture of the phone on his own porch and requested feedback.

A black bear was spotted roaming through backyards in Newark Delaware. It’s believed to be lost while looking for neighboring Bear, Delaware.

Drug maker Novo Norodisk will build a $4.1 billion facility to manufacture weight loss drugs Wegovy & Ozempic. They’re also spending a billion dollars on McDonald’s franchises just to make sure demand keeps up.

Pandas are returning to the San Diego Zoo for the first time in years, scheduled to arrive via Panda Express.

A bride in Australia went viral for a video of her walking down the aisle while telling guests to put their mobile phones away. Women were disappointed at not being able to record the bride; men were angry missing the football game.

Health officials are warning of fake Botox. They advise patients to ask their doctors for the real Botox when they want to look fake.

The City of Philadelphia opened all of its municipal pools and spray parks – offering residents who want to cool off the choice of being sprayed with water or bullets.

Surgeons performed a kidney transplant on a man who remained awake the entire time. Representatives from the Guinness Book of Records were on hand to present the man’s award for World’s Worst Health Insurance.

Bubbles the Chimp, longtime pet of the late Michael Jackson, turned 41 years old at the Florida animal sanctuary where he lives and receives twice-weekly trauma therapy.

Parisians angry about the cost of cleaning the River Seine for the Paris Olympics plan to defecate in it as a protest, along with dozens of others who have no idea there’s a protest going on.

By |

Following extensive repairs, the legendary Battleship SS New Jersey was returned to dock in Camden, New Jersey. The ship now has 10 new exits and three different Roy Rogers restaurants.

Owner of casual dining chain Olive Garden claims Americans are switching from fast food to sit-down casual eateries – then complaining the food doesn’t get there fast enough.

McDonald’s debuted the items in their new $5 meal deal – for $5, you get a $6 discount coupon for a better place to eat.

Electric vehicle owners are finding their cars can lose up to 31 percent of the battery charge in extreme heat. Engineers are working on a system to channel energy from the driver’s ass when they sit on the hot front seat.

Athletes in the Paris Olympics say the River Seine is too polluted to swim in for the triathlon. They say organizers are crazy if they think they’re going to go in Seine.

Louisiana passed a law requiring the 10 Commandments to be displayed in all public school classrooms. The law angered civil rights activists, but Louisiana teachers are hoping it means more Louisiana high school graduates can count to 10.

Mosquitos with West Nile Virus are infecting visitors to Las Vegas. Mosquitos are also raking it in betting the ‘over’ on the number of tourists treated for the disease at local hospitals.

Drug manufacturers are warning consumers of counterfeits for weight loss drugs like Wegovy and Ozempic. In other news, Dollar Tree announced the release of new & improved Wegroovy and Zolympic.

The Supreme Court upheld restrictions barring domestic abusers from owning guns, but go ahead an borrow one if you really need it.

Rite Aid announced more pharmacy closures, but still no clearance pricing on opioids.

By |

The U.S. weight loss boom created by drugs like Ozempic & Wegovy is causing a surge in sales of protein powder and meal replacements. And replacement pants.

Donald Trump said he wants all of America’s bitcoin mined in the U.S. He then asked if there’s any risk of getting caught underground in a bitcoin mine.

A hospice worker shared the regrets they hear most often from dying patients – including wishing they worked less, followed their dreams, told people their true feelings, and didn’t take the TikTok challenge that landed them in hospice.

As Americans rail against “tip creep”, an etiquette expert said it’s okay to not tip in 5 situations: home repair work; counter service; at open-bar events; when service is poor; and when your spouse finally agrees to have sex with you.

Finland – where workers are reportedly the happiest of any civilized nation – say “flexibility” is most important to workplace happiness. That’s why hiring managers always look for the most flexible women and men before offering them a job.

Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs will not allow champion Joey Chestnut in their July 4th Hot Dog Eating Championship after he entered a sponsorship agreement with Impossible plant-based hot dogs. Instead Chestnut is expected to cruise to victory in the Vegan Hot Dog Eating Championship, where he’ll stuff his face while the other competitors ask organizers to list the ingredients in the hot dogs.

Police in Chistiana, Delaware are looking for a hit-and-run driver who struck a pedestrian outside of the emergency room. An ambulance driver called the incident “his shortest trip ever”.

Whole Foods CEO said in an interview what he considers “the #1 employee red flag” – a guy aiming his penis at the produce.

The Supreme Court unanimously upheld the right to access mifepristone, an abortion pill. Justic Brett Kavanaugh wrote the opinion – and the check for his girlfriend to get hers as soon as possible.

Australian porn star Alicia Davis was hospitalized for two days after an anal plug was pushed completely inside of her. Doctors were able to successfully remove it. along with several costume jewelry items, a tv remote, and a set of brass knuckles.

By |

Following their divorce, Melinda Gates is stepping down as Co-Chair of the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation – which will continue its charitable work as the Bill Gates & Some Hot Girl That Jeffrey Epstein Introduced Him To Foundation.

Judge Judy is suing the National Inquirer for publishing a story claiming she’s helping the Menendez Brothers get a new trial. Judy claims she’s not pushing for their retrial, but she is hoping they get freed so they can co-star with her in a sitcom.

The WNBA started funding teams’ charter travel to road games. Two teams traveled on charter jets, two more traveled on charter buses, and the rest charter hitchhiked.

A Montgomery County, Pennsylvania man appeared in court after his arrest for allegedly breaking in to two women’s apartments and stealing their underwear. His attorney plans to file briefs with the court once he collects them all from the defendant.

Red Lobster workers in the Northeast were ‘blindsided’ as the chain abruptly closed 50 restaurants. Managers, servers & kitchen staff were given no warning, and lobsters had to find their own rides back to the ocean.

Kelly Clarkson finally admitted using a weight-loss drug to help shed approximately 60 pounds, but that “it isn’t Ozempic”. She’s previously claimed she lost the weight via “walks and cold plunges”, leading people to assume she took an ice bath after walking to liposuction.

Google is beta-testing a feature on its Google Messages app that allows users to edit text messages after they’ve already been sent. This comes as welcome news to everyone who’s ever texted ‘go duck yourself’ to someone.

Three inmates who bludgeoned notorious crime boss Whitey Bulger to death in a West Virginia prison accepted plea deals. Charges weren’t announced, but are believed to be assault, and unlawful use of the free weights in the recreation yard.

Following the resignation of Miss Teen USA for issues with pageant management, the runner-up said she doesn’t want the crown either. If one of the other 48 contestants doesn’t take it, the title will go to Miss Pre-Teen USA.

Kate Gosselin posted a Happy Birthday message to 4 of her sextuplets as they turned 20. The other two no longer speak to her and sided with their father, Jon. An older set of twins also took Kate’s side. Seizing on the dysfunction, TLC Network is offering them a new show, ‘Jon & Kate Plus Hate’.

By |

Doctors and women are sharing stories of ‘Ozempic babies’ – born to women whose extreme weight loss restored their fertility. They’re thrilled to be pregnant but bummed out about the weight gain.

‘Mammoth’ – the world’s largest vacuum designed to remove pollution from the air, opened in Iceland. It sucks 36,000 tons of carbon emissions from the atmosphere each year, and takes 500 housekeepers to change the vacuum bag.

The CDC is warning of the new COVID variant, ‘FLiRT’. It infects you after convincing you to sign up for its OnlyFans.

Americans tip an average of $38/month. They say they’d rather tip less but don’t want to learn how to multiply by percentages.

American fans of Taylor Swift are traveling to Paris to see the first European shows of her Eras Tour, citing much lower prices they found on TicketMonsieur.

A cruise ship employee was arrested after going on a stabbing spree, thus cutting short the maiden voyage of the new Spirit Airlines Of The Sea cruise line.

Kardashians matriarch Kris Jenner announced she has a tumor in a preview of Season 5 of Hulu’s ‘The Kardashians’. The tumor then hired an agent and negotiated Season 1 of ‘Keeping Up With Kris Jenner’s Tumor’ on Peacock.

In a decades-long study, meats were shown to have the biggest negative impact on mortality of all ultraprocessed foods – citing heart attacks in grade school kids who doubled up on Lunchables.

Neuralink announced their first in-human brain transplant has experienced a problem. The company said the problem persisted after unplugging the implant, waiting 30 seconds, then plugging it back in again.

A woman in China removed an unconscious pig from her car and attempted to revive it with CPR on a busy highway. The pig died, but was later praised for having an especially tenderized pork belly.

By |

New research finds getting angry for just 8 minutes can raise the risk of heart attack and stroke. Doctors advise using relaxation techniques, or training to beat people up in 7 minutes or less.

A Pro-Palestine protestor on the campus of Stanford University was pictured wearing a Hamas headband. Even more disturbing was the protestor saying he bought the headband at Fanatics.

Women are reporting sagging ‘Ozempic breasts’ due to loss of fatty tissue as they drop weight. They say they can’t afford restorative implants because of Ozempic’s cost, so they’re turning to padded bras and the McDonald’s Dollar Menu.

TikTok and Universal Music Group agreed to an increased royalty payment structure, so now music from Universal artists like Ariana Grande and Billie Eilish can play while you attempt the newest deadly viral challenge.

The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency plans to declassify marijuana as a less-dangerous Schedule III narcotic, thereby opening up legal interstate sales of it, and the inevitable Amazon Basics Weed.

Nose-pickers are more likely to incur serious staph infections. And are also more likely to lie about how they got a staph infection.

Red Lobster is reportedly on the verge of Chapter 11 bankruptcy, owing to ongoing losses from a popular Endless Shrimp promotion, and low demand for its Endless Mixed Vegetables promotion.

The judge in Donald Trump’s hush-money trial is holding another gag order hearing. He’s considering issuing a Talk All You Want About Anything Order, in hopes that Trump will violate that and shut up for once.

Viral video of a Miami-area bowling alley brawl shows one woman throwing bowling balls at another woman and hitting her in the head. There haven’t been this many Miami women getting hit with balls since Diddy’s last mansion party.

The executor of O.J. Simpson’s estate invited the families of murder victims Nicole Brown & Ronald Goldman to a meeting. He wouldn’t reveal any planned compensation to the families, but he did ask them if they needed golf clubs or football cards.

By |

An Alabama man hugged 1,123 trees in an hour to break a world record. Other Alabama men failed after spending too much time hugging the trees with waist-level knotholes.

Newly-deciphered text from ancient scolls reveals details of Greek philosopher Plato’s final day before his death, with Plato allegedly having said “let’s give that new roast beef place Arbysius just opened a try”.

Comcast-owned streaming service Peacock increased prices, citing increased programming costs for the Paris Olympics and “because we like making money”.

Dave & Busters will now allow $5 bets on arcade games – and addiction counseling to people who blow their mortgage payment $5-at-at-time on skeeball.

Cannabis retailer MedMen filed for bankruptcy, citing $414 million in debt, and too many customers who took the weed and kept saying “dude, you know I’m good for the money..”

Harvey Weinstein is expected to appear in court to be re-arraigned on overturned sexual assault charges, despite a recent hospitalization. His spokesperson said Weinstein has cardiac issues, diabetes, and is nearly blind – making it extremely difficult for him to sexually harass prison cafeteria ladies.

A 2.6 magnitude aftershock was registered in New Jersey, as men wearing gold chains during sex took credit for making the Earth move.

Barbra Streisand was dragged for replying to Melissa McCarthy’s Instagram photo by asking her if she takes Ozempic. Streisand apologized, saying she’s known McCarthy for years, adding “wegovy way back”.

The LA Dodgers/Arizona Diamondbacks game at Arizona’s Chase Field was delayed 2 hours by a swarm of bees that landed in the netting behind home plate. A beekeeper removed them and determined they were Dodgers fans because they left the game early.

The families of an alleged road rage killer and his victim brawled inside a Massachusetts courtroom. Officials broke up the fight and the judge told them to go outside and settle it with their cars.

By |

Philadelphia International Airport held a pep rally to welcome WrestleMania to the city – both the weekend-long WWE event, and arriving Spirit Airlines flights where drunk passengers grappled with flight attendants.

The man who received a kidney transplant from a pig was released from the hospital and went home, but not before stopping to meet with, and thank, the family of the donor pig that fatally crashed its car.

Research shows people who took a multivitamin for 3 years slowed cognitive brain aging by 2 years. The study found 7-year-olds with three years of Flintstones chewables consumpion had the brains of 5-year-olds.

A bird flu outbreak in Texas resulted in egg producers having to kill 2 million egg-producing chickens. It’s the first time pro-life activists have protested outside of poultry farms.

Some scientists are warning bird flu could be worse than COVID. Although they’re also working on an mRNA vaccine containing the flu which wouldn’t be administered with a needle, but rather by eating McNuggets.

Costco is now selling popular drugs Wegovy and Ozempic as part of a store-sponsored weight-loss program. Although they’re not selling well because they’re only available by the pallet and cost $75,000.

A friend of Tiger Woods claims he’s abstaining from sex while training for The Masters. However, he’s narrowed the field down to 64 restaurant hostesses to be first in line once he misses the cut on Friday night.

Some parts of the U.S. could see cloudy skies during next week’s total solar eclipse, prompting attack ads from the Trump campaign.

The U.S. reportedly authorized more bombs for Israel, as Pauly Shore announced six April shows in Tel Aviv.

Alaska Airlines says Boeing paid the company $160 million as compensation for the required grounding of Boeing’s 737 Max 9 jets. Boeing said they wanted to provide a sum that, like their jets, blew Alaska Airlines doors off.

By |

X, formerly Twitter, is trialing Adult Content Communities. This comes on the heels of their success with Racist Communities, Election Denier Communities, and Failed Entertainer Communities.

A female DJ who claims she was shamed on a Delta Airlines flight for not wearing a bra hired a lawyer and is demanding a meeting with the CEO. The CEO declined the meeting, saying, her breasts aren’t big enough.

In anticipation of the full solar eclipse, Internet crooks are selling fake eclipse glasses. Experts warn that you can tell they’re fake because they charge extra for bifocals.

A Florida 10-year-old sold a handgun to a classmate for $300, then set a single day spending record at the Scholastic Book Fair.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, released from prison after serving time for the murder of her abusive mother, separated from the husband she married while incarcerated, saying she felt trapped.

Dollar Tree announced the maximum price of items for sale in its stores will increase to $7. This is expected to create thousands of jobs for employees who can help customers count to 7.

Viral video shows a man diving out of the way of a spinning blade that detached from a concrete saw at a nearby construction site and traveled across a parking lot. Unfortunately, the old lady walking across the lot wasn’t as quick.

Oprah shared a video explaining why she turned to weight loss drugs. After a lot of hooey about personal struggles, it came down to two factors: 1) they work; 2) she’s a billionaire.

New York City formally approved a $15 congestion pricing toll for cars entering lower Manhattan. The law now requires the approval of carjackers to refund the $15 for the vehicles they steal.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner and new wife Theresa Nist are married, but reportedly living in separate states. They say the biggest challenge is neither of them knowing how to work Facetime for cybersex.