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Researchers found evidence that the longest snake native to North America is breeding in the wild in Alabama – where it’s attached to a redshirt freshman for the Crimson Tide.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are reportedly “still reeling” from Harry & Meghan’s royal exit. They’re apparently overwhelmed having to pick up the slack telling Harry & Meghan’s servants which chores to do.

The Chinese market designated ‘Ground Zero’ for the deadly Wuhan coronavirus reportedly sold wolf, rat, snake, and other exotic meat. Vendors defended the practice, saying it’s all antibiotic-&-cage-free.

Shanghai Disney theme park is closing over the Lunar New Year holiday because of the epidemic, saying they couldn’t find face masks big enough for Goofy & Donald.

New York City is reportedly planning to ban cashless businesses. They say the city’s panhandlers are starving to death trying to collect money with Venmo.

A 51-year-old Massachusetts woman was arrested for pooping eight separate times in the parking lot of a sporting goods store. Police spotted her defecating out the door of her SUV, then moved in. Cops are calling it “the worst stakeout ever.”

Retired MLB star Alex Rodriguez joined Anheuser-Busch as a co-owner of the beer maker’s Presidente brand. Like A-Rod, the brewer is expected to repeatedly lie about what’s in it.

Uniontown KOA in Pennsylvania’s Allegheny Region as named KOA’s 2020 Campground of the Year. It was praised for its modern amenities, and for being next to a nice hotel where you can stay instead.

An Outback Steakhouse in Oregon is testing video surveillance to monitor server interaction with customers, speed of food delivery, and how much spit is in the Bloomin Onions.

Two women – a doctor and a reality tv star – are opening a new vaginal rejuvenation clinic in Philadelphia. The grand opening is today, after months spent on necessary steps like getting a cheesesteak vending license and hazmat certification.

 

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Parents of Philadelphia grade schoolers are concerned about sending their kids back to schools where asbestos has been removed. They worry about further respiratory damage, because most of them already smoke.

Cheetos said the official name for orange cheese dust on fingers is “Cheetle” – as opposed to the orange cheese dust that accumulates in your digestive tract, which is called “colon cancer”.

Following Iran’s admission that they shot down a Ukrainian passenger jet, two anchors on the Iranian state TV news quit. They’re now searching for replacements to lead daylight prayers on ‘Good Morning Tehran’.

Mötley Crüe guitarist Mick Mars responded to rumors that he won’t be able to join the band’s summer stadium tour because he’s on his death bed. Mars replied “it’s really more of a death recliner.”

The feud between Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren continues to escalate ahead of the Democratic debate in Iowa. Supporters are hoping they can resolve their differences at a 5:30a.m. breakfast of Cream of Wheat and hot tea.

Japan’s upcoming Super Nintendo World theme park is reportedly one of the most technologically advanced attractions ever. Parents of misbehaving children can drop them in green warp pipes, where they’ll be whisked away to a time-out room to study for college entrance exams.

Airbus’ Beluga XL, one of the largest commercial transport jets ever, made its first operational flight. It’s capable of carrying the equivalent of seven full-size African elephants – as evidenced by the family of elephants who flew in it from Nairobi to Disney World.

The oldest material on Earth has been found in a meteorite, breaking the previous record for oldest material on Earth, found in a Larry the Cable Guy standup show.

The U.S. Homeland Security issued a powerful warning, telling users to upgrade their VPNs to patch vulnerability to hackers. They also warn corporate IT Help Desks to expect a huge cyberattack from employees simultaneously asking what a VPN is.

An archivist at the Carnegie Library of Pittsburgh was arrested for selling some of the library’s most valuable treasures. He sold rare books and maps to a local collector, and the key to the men’s room to a homeless drug addict.

 

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The world’s second-ever infant born to a woman receiving a uterus transplanted from a cadaver was delivered at the end of 2019 in Philadelphia. The baby’s first words were “not for nothin’ but did youse know there’s a dead lady’s uterus in there?..”

A study in the Journal of Preventative Cardiology claims persons drinking tea three or more times a week live longer. After reading the study, three 19-year-olds died drinking Twisted Tea.

Newly released internal emails reveal a Boeing worker saying that the grounded 737 MAX was “designed by clowns”. In a statement, Boeing said that was just one jet designed for transporting 500 clowns in a 150-passenger aircraft.

A fossil found in Nevada reveals the Earth’s oldest animal guts. The fossil was found in the bottom of a steam tray on the Circus Circus hotel dinner buffet.

In order to attract and retain workers, Taco Bell announced some locations will offer jobs paying six-figure salaries. The store managers will still make $40,000, the $100,000 jobs are for whoever cleans the restrooms.

Justin Bieber revealed he’s battling Lyme disease.  The tick responsible for biting Bieber announced it’s battling Douchebag disease.

The Hubble Space Telescope detected the smallest known mass of dark matter – the building blocks of galaxies –  in the universe. Then they pointed it toward Earth and found the smallest known mass of gray matter in the head of a guy in the Oval Office.

The Federal Reserve is launching five new quarters to commemorate national parks. It would have been six but Disney refused to let them use Mickey Mouse’s picture.

Electric scooter rental company Lime is laying off employees and exiting 12 global markets – leaving commuters in those cities to find other ways to break their arms and get hit by cars.

Roomba robot vacuums with robotic arms are currently being tested. They can move items on the floor, and hit men lying on the couch to get their help cleaning up, goddamnit.

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After the website crashed on the final day of open enrollment, the National Healthcare Marketplace – Obamacare – extended the deadline. People getting Obamacare were given one more day to find out their credit card was declined.

25 years after its initial release, Mariah Carey’s ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’ hit #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.  Experts seeking to prevent mass shootings hope the same thing doesn’t happen with Paul McCartney’s ‘Wonderful Christmastime’.

Coca-Cola is starting the Coca-Cola Insiders Club, where subscribers pay $10/month to get a monthly shipment of new-to-the-public Coke beverages along with “other surprises”, like replacement teeth.

After a series of hacks, Ring security camera makers gave advice on how to keep your camera from being accessed. They include using two-factor authentication, changing passwords, and looking gross so hackers won’t want to spy on you.

A Chinese woman will be deported after her conviction for operating a “birth tourism” business – where pregnant Chinese women would give birth in the U.S. so their children would be U.S. citizens. She was discovered after too many customers delivered girls and left them when they returned to China.

Sylvester Stallone visited the famed ‘Rocky’ statue in Philadelphia on Monday, as part of a secret that he would only describe as “something extraordinary” – leaving many to think it would be something extraordinary if he stopped making movies.

Chain restaurants such as Wendy’s, Chick-fil-A, and others are using “ghost kitchens” – kitchens without restaurants that are solely devoted to online & delivery orders. However they’re concerned about “ghost delivery drivers” who disappear with the food.

Members of Mötley Crüe are reportedly working with trainers and nutritionists to prepare for their summer stadium tour. Bassist Nikki Sixx said he’s eating 2500 “macro balanced” calories a day, while guitarist Mick Mars receives daily one-gallon infusions of teenage blood.

Olivia Newton-John and John Travolta reunited for a Grease Sing-A-Long in Florida, with Newton-John wearing her original costume, and Travolta wearing his costume and a full head of hair.

Ironically, Clint Eastwood biopic ‘Richard Jewell’ bombed at the weekend box office, despite Jewell not really being the bomber.

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.

 

 

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Actor Dennis Quaid, 65, confirmed he’s engaged to 26-year-old Laura Savoie. Savoie had previously dated Jeremy Piven right up until she watched Piven’s stand-up comedy act.

  • Actor Randy Quaid announced his engagement to a 21-year-old black bear he met while hiking in the woods.

TMZ reports actress Lori Loughlin is more likely to take a plea deal in her college admissions trial. She’s reportedly scared by Felicity Huffman’s 14-day prison sentence, and more scared of wearing that green prison suit Huffman was photographed in.

A St. Louis high school cancelled the remainder of their undefeated football season after finding out the coach suited up a suspended player with a new number and identity. The player was identified by his tattoos, and by the funny nose/moustache/glasses he wore.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos visited a Washington D.C. school. One student asked “Who’s Jeff Bezos?” The teacher replied, “ask your Dad, Barron.”

The cast of ‘Facts of Life’ – Tootie, Blair, Natalie & Jo – will reunite for a Lifetime Holiday movie, “Facts of Menopause Christmas”.

Google Maps will now allow drivers to report slowdowns, police speed traps, and road hazards – like the rear-end collisions they experience while staring at their phone reporting slowdowns and police speed traps.

Miley Cyrus defended her “you don’t have to be gay” comment about distrusting men, reaffirming her belief that being gay is not a choice, and her prioritization of the LGBTQ community that she is a part of when she feels like it.

A meth addict living in a suburban Philadelphia halfway house ordered uranium because he thought it would be cool to pose with it and share a photo on social media. He’s now being treated for smoking uranium.

A National Bureau of Economic Research study finds 60 percent of Uber riders don’t tip, and women tip less than men, possibly because they’re terrified.

Under Armour founder Kevin Plank is resigning as CEO amidst the company’s loss in market share, and as he struggles to explain why they’re still called Under Armour even though most of their stuff is worn on the outside.

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Researchers at Columbia University found stressed-out pregnant women are likelier to give birth to a girl. Men who want a son are advised to get a woman pregnant, then get lost.

The Paris Zoological Park is displaying a slimy organism, physarum polycephalum, that it calls “The Blob”. It’s a slimy bright-yellow organism that can heal itself and has 720 different sexes.  U.S. zoos may also display it, but will call it “Gender Fluid”.

Nickelodeon Universe – the U.S.’ largest indoor theme park – opens this week in East Rutherford, New Jersey. Employees are being trained to spot the difference between slime and vomit. [Story h/t to N.Y.]

Geno’s Steaks in Philadelphia debuted Whizzy, the first cheesesteak mascot. Whizzy was introduced, then taken into custody for beating up a child wearing a NY Rangers jersey. [Story h/t to about thirty different people in Philadelphia.]

Morganna The Kissing Bandit – buxom baseball fan who ran onto the playing field to kiss players – said she was arrested 19 times…and strip-searched over 100 times.

Donald Trump decided not to hold the G7 Summit at his Trump Doral Resort in Florida, amidst criticism from Democrats, Republicans, and international leaders who want to stay at Disney World.

Senator Mitt Romney admitted that Twitter handle “Pierre Delecto” – used to defend Romney and express his opinions – was Romney himself. The account raised suspicion because no one believed a gay-sounding French guy would live in Utah.

Miley Cyrus said on Instagram “you don’t have to be gay, there are good people with dicks out there, you just got to find them”. Her message totally inspired lonely straight women, while totally confusing gay men.

Rafael Nadal married his longtime girlfriend. They did it three times on their wedding night: Six love, six love, six love.

The University of Oklahoma’s ‘Sooner Schooner’ – a horse-drawn carriage that celebrates touchdowns – toppled and crashed on Saturday. The student drivers were O…K…. and officials said it was bound to happen Sooner or later.

 

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President Trump fired National Security Adviser John Bolton. The two allegedly clashed over policy related to Iran, North Korea, the Taliban and how much time to spend each day watching television.

Student loan experts say education debt is now a “trillion dollar blackhole” that’s hurting the nation’s financial system with delinquency – as opposed to the “billion dollar blackhole” which is what they call University of Phoenix.

A female high school swimmer in Alaska was disqualified from a heat she’d won when a referee ruled her school-issued swimsuit didn’t cover enough of her buttocks. Her coach appealed, and the swimmer is consoled by the half-million Instagram followers she added.

A Tennessee high school painted over bathroom mirrors, because they say mirrors cause the students to be late for class. The paint made matters worse, since Tennessee students became terrified thinking they’d disappeared.

Michael Jordan pledged $1 million to Hurricane Dorian relief in the Bahamas. A Bahamas golf pro asked Jordan if he’d like to play and make it double-or-nothing.

Dr. Reyes Gauna, superintendent of Byron Union School District in Northern California, started out as a school custodian. He said he’s proud of his accomplishments, but has a hard time concentrating on work when he hears a kid puke.

The invasive spotted lantern fly has migrated to the City of Philadelphia. The fly – which destroys trees and other vegetation – has adapted and survived by arranging the spots on its wings to read “Dallas Sucks”.

Ellen Degeneres said during summer break she revealed her natural hair color for the first time in decades, adding it had been colored blond for so long she’d forgotten what it was. “I have a pretty good idea” said Ellen’s wife, Portia.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders settled a pay dispute, getting a raise to $12/hour and $400/game. However, the team quadrupled the price of push-up bras and booty shorts.

A 23-year-old Wisconsin health teacher was charged with sexual conduct with a 15-year-old student, who aced health class.

 

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The Queen of Sweden is partnering with Ikea to design homes for people with dementia – although the occupants don’t have dementia when they start putting them together.

KFC is testing plant-based boneless chicken from Beyond Meat at one of its Georgia restaurants. It’s the first time KFC has sold chicken that isn’t really chicken since a day or two ago.

Mattel introduced a Barbie doll modeled after astronaut Sally Ride, but is being criticized for giving her a pink Space Shuttle.

Disney announced a new She-Hulk series for its upcoming Disney + streaming service. The lead role hasn’t been cast, but producers were disappointed when Sarah Huckabee Sanders took a job with Fox News.

Following a fire at an Arby’s restaurant in New Jersey, a worker was treated for smoke inhalation. While hospitalized, he was also treated for Arby’s food inhalation.

A Louisiana farmer attending a cow auction brought home a five-legged calf because no one else wanted it, and because he said he’s dated worse.

A pregnant woman was kicked in the stomach by another woman during a dispute at a Chick-fil-A drive-thru – proving Chicken Sandwich Wars aren’t ending anytime soon.

Harvey Weinstein’s sex-crimes trial was delayed until January. He’ll want it even less now that it’ll be a year older.

Police in Upstate New York say dealers are selling pills containing Xanax, Fentanyl, and heroin – designed to look like SweeTarts candy. “OMG, these are addictive!” said someone eating SweeTarts.

Police were forced to shoot a pit bull and a bull mastiff that attacked a 50-year-old man in North Philadelphia. The dogs were suspended from the Philadelphia K-9 Police Academy.

 

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A raccoon got stuck in a snack vending machine at Pine Ridge High School in Volusia County, Florida. Workers were able to free the raccoon, who then returned to its class teaching home economics to Florida teens.

A woman in Quebec survived a 5,000 foot freefall when her parachute failed to open. She suffered multiple non-life-threatening injuries, and vowed to keep trying to catch the Road Runner.

New Jersey’s Right-to-Die Law, providing life-ending medication for the terminally ill, was placed on hold. Everyone else dying to get out of New Jersey can go right ahead.

The mayor of El Paso, Texas claimed President Trump called him “RINO” – Republican in Name Only – when he corrected Trump during a visit to the city following a mass shooting. Unfortunately, PINO – President in Name Only – isn’t very catchy.

Asteroid 1990 MU – over 3 miles wide – could strike Earth in 2027. It’s as large as the asteroid that wiped out the dinosaurs. Nevertheless, The Who will continue to tour in 2027.

Nora Kenney, daughter of Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney, was arrested for a late-night brawl outside a bar in Wildwood at the Jersey Shore. She was last seen jogging through the streets of South Philadelphia, trailed by children singing ‘Gonna Fly Now’.

Jeffrey Epstein and a young woman – possibly a lawyer – were reportedly left alone for hours in an attorney/client meeting room at a Manhattan prison. Epstein’s other attorneys are calling the meeting “one for the road”.

Google introduced reminders that can be left for family members and other contacts, such as “Tell George to take out the trash”; “Tell Mary to get groceries”; or “Tell George I don’t love him anymore”.

Scientists believe they’ve discovered a heretofore unknown sensory organ inside of the human skin. Dubbed the nociceptive glio-neural complex, it’s the nerve bundle that makes your skin crawl whenever you see Donald hold Melania’s hand.

Chipotle announced they’re giving an extra week’s pay to more than 2,600 employees at 135 restaurants as part of it’s “crew bonus” program. The bonuses are accompanied by a card reading “sorry about the E. coli”.