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Fairfax, Virginia schools changed a grading policy for students who fail to turn in assignments, changing the lowest possible grade from 50% to 0. Philadelphia City Schools are considering a similar change, since several Philly schools have dropouts who are in the running for senior class Valedictorian.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante was captured in the woods of a Philadelphia suburb while wearing a Philadelphia Eagles jersey. “Maybe he isn’t such a bad guy after all” say Philadelphians.

Cavalcante was discovered after he was located beneath a wood pile and bitten by a State Police scent-tracking dog. The $25,000 reward for his capture will now be issued in Pupperoni.

House Speaker Mark Meadows said he’ll open an impeachment investigation in to Joe Biden’s alleged corruption involving son Hunter’s businesses. But for now the impeachment score remains 2-0.

Congresswoman Lauren Boebert was kicked out of ‘Beetlejuice: The Musical‘ for vaping and causing a disturbance. When she first refused to leave, police said ‘Bobo’ three times on the sidewalk in front of the theater and she appeared there.

HGTV sold The Brady Bunch house to Tina Trahan, wife of a TV executive, for $3.2 million. Trahan then tried to cancel the purchase, saying something suddenly came up.

Brady Bunch star Eve ‘Jan’ Plumb plans to auction off memorabilia from her time on the show, including a “fun” gift from her onscreen Dad, Robert ‘Mike Brady’ Reed…that is, if you consider a positive HIV test a “fun gift”.

N’Sync reunited for the first time in 10 years at the MTV Video Music Awards. Now it’s time to say Bye Bye Bye to Fatone, Kirkpatrick, Chasez & Bass for another decade.

Apple announced that its iPhone 15 will adopt the USB-C charging standard, but assured loyal customers that official Apple charger cords will continue the company’s tradition of fraying and breaking in a month and a half.

A $33,000-per-passenger cruise ship ran aground in Greenland and could be stuck there for days. “Well, well, well, norovirus and imitation crab legs doesn’t sound so bad NOW, does it?” said a Carnival Cruise Lines spokesperson.

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The Doobie Brothers added 11 new dates to their 50th Anniversary Tour. Tickets are on sale for 3 of them, the other 8 are colonoscopies.

Philadelphia Police say they broke up a drug ring and seized over 80 pounds of methamphetamine. Philly cops called in reinforcements from other departments employing officers capable of lifting over 50 pounds.

The U.S. moratorium on payments & interest for federal student loans has been extended to August 31st, giving college-educated deadbeats another five months to find a summer job that’ll let them sock away $100,000.

August Alsina, the R&B singer who had an affair with Jada Pinkett Smith, released a new song. Fans say that it, too, really slaps.

A gun-sniffing police dog at a Neiman Marcus department store led to the arrest of a man carrying a loaded 9mm pistol and counterfeit $100 bills. The man was also carrying Pupperoni, which he’d used to bribe a different, corrupt, police dog working the store.

Archaeologists unearthed giant stone spheres in the Diquis Delta region of Costa Rica. It’s believed the spheres were used to mark the territories of leaders who, much like today, were the ones with the biggest balls.

Ivanka Trump appeared before the January 6th Commission and answered questions for six hours – five hours regarding the riots, and one hour about nose & boob jobs.

West Virginia University confirmed 93 sheep and a donkey escaped from a pasture at the School Of Agriculture, but were recovered an hour later. Asked where they went, the school’s Dean said they had part-time jobs tutoring West Virgina undergrads.

The Buffalo Bills signed star wide receiver Stefon Diggs to a $104 million four-year contract extension. It’s believed to be a reasonable sum to ask someone to live for four years in Buffalo.

The Weeknd replaced Kanye West as the Day 3 headliner at Coachella, and will temporarily change his name to Jst Sundy.

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Tinder introduced ‘Blind Dates’ – a new feature where users with common interests engage in a brief text-only chat to gauge compatibility prior to exchanging photos of their penises and breasts.

Truckers protesting COVID restrictions were cleared off of the Ambassar Bridge connecting Ontario and Michigan. The renewed flow of goods is expected to result in shifts restarting for auto workers at assembly plants, and hookers at truck stops.

The United States temporarily halted Mexican avocado imports after a border inspector was threatened by a Mexican drug cartel. The inspector had reportedly refused the cartel’s repeated bribes of Snausages and Pupperoni.

Kanye West posted a series of Instagram messages calling Pete Davidson a “d*ckhead”. His fans replied with suggestions like “thick bread” and “sick bed”, hoping that their rhymes will get used in Ye’s next diss track.

Following its acquisition by the New York Times, some Wordle players claim the game is blocking guesses of slurs and slang. Everyday players say the change hindered their ability to successfully solve BUNTS.

Actress Rosario Dawson broke up with New Jersey U.S. Senator Cory Booker after a three-year relationship. Once Booker’s term expires, she may seek re-erection.

The wife of wide receiver Van Jefferson of the Super Bowl Champion Los Angeles Rams left SoFi Stadium on a stretcher after going into labor during the game. They would have taken her to the blue tent on the sideline, but Mr. Jefferson was already in there getting a vasectomy.

CNN reports Donald Trump used a Secret Service agent’s phone to call wife Melania after the Stormy Daniels affair allegations broke. They also report Melania saw the number and answered “hi lover”.

A man carrying a white flag ran on to the field during the Super Bowl. Security finally tackled him after he ran 80 yards, making him the game’s leading rusher.

A Florida man will stand trial for shooting another man because he was texting in a movie theater. The shooter claims self-defense because the victim threw popcorn at him, which had hardened over 10 years in storage at the theater.

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Viral video shows an alligator attacking its trainer at a Utah reptile preserve before a good samaritan helped rescue her. The trainer is recovering, and received an overall score of ‘Needs Improvement’ during their annual performance review.

Samples of human brain tissue in lab dishes have grown rudimentary eyes – which they’re using to throw uncomfortable gazes at lab interns.

The TSA is extending its in-flight mask requirement until January. Flight attendants are busily bulking up for fistfights with passengers at Thanksgiving, and airlines are stocking up on red Christmas-themed duct tape.

Mattel created a Barbie doll of the scientist who created the Oxford coronavirus vaccine, only with bigger, pointy breasts.

Florida sanctioned two school districts for mandating students wear masks to prevent COVID-19, and for making kids take gym class to prevent obsesity.

Lady Gaga’s former dog walker Ryan Fischer – shot while walking the star’s French bulldogs – claims he’s homeless and is trying to raise $40,000 via GoFundMe. There’s no indication Gaga has donated, but the dogs each gave one bag of Pupperoni.

In a Twitter thread about terrible movies, Tom Arnold said he was paid for $5 million to play the lead in ‘The Stupids’. A sequel is in the works, it’s about the producers who decided to pay seven figures to Tom Arnold.

Oakland A’s pitcher Chris Bassitt is “conscious and aware” after taking a 100 mph line drive to the head. Also “consicous and aware” – the people who fell asleep at the game and woke up when he got hit.

Scientists found overweight lab mice lost weight when given a treatment that caused them to sweat out natural body oils. The treatment made them skinnier, but a lot more slippery.

In the wake of his most recent split from Khloe Kardashian, NBA star Tristan Thompson posted about “growth”. Specifically, about women who help him grow a lot more than Khloe ever did.

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Tiger Woods posted his first selfie since his car accident. Doctors performed multiple surgeries to repair his shattered lower leg, including the insertion of a metal rod with a flag on it.

Joe Biden plans to establish a $15/hour minimum wage for federal contractors. “Woof! Woof!” said Champ & Major, who each blew their first day’s pay on Pupperoni.

Co-host Carrie Anne Inaba is taking a leave of absence from The Talk to focus on her health. Apparently she doesn’t want to talk about it.

Results of the 2020 Census place the U.S. population at 331 million people, none of whom feel the need to retweet one of my jokes.

The CDC will share new guidance on wearing masks outdoors, an announcement eagerly anticipated by socially responsible bears.

An 81-year-old man – the sole resident of the remote Italian Isle of Budelli since 1989 -is being forced to leave, since the Italian government is converting his hut into a Starbucks.

A giant alligator was spotted walking through the parking lot of a Publix supermarket in North Ft Myers, Florida. No one was injured, and the alligator did not enter the store, since it forgot its shoppers club card.

Microsoft restored service to Microsoft Teams productivity & online meeting software following an outage. The outage was detected after multiple companies reported thousands of employees having a really great day and getting things done.

Eastern and Midwest U.S. states are nearing the time when Brood X cicadas emerge for the first time in 17 years. They’re expected to fly around, ask you to Like their new Facebook Pages, then die.

Apple is spending $1 billion to build a campus in North Carolina that will employ 3,000 people. In other news, 3,000 kids in North Carolina just dropped out of junior high.

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Dr. Seuss books are topping Amazon bestseller lists – now that the Proud Boys, Oath Keepers & QAnon have all decided to start bedtime story hours.

The WNBA will introduce new ‘City Edition’ jerseys this season, to go along with the primary home & away jerseys that no one sees.

A man was arrested for defacing “America’s Stonehenge” with QAnon grafitti. “Not the Rocky statue!?” said Philadelphians hearing the news.

The U.S. Food & Drug Administration warned baby food manufacturers to thoroughly test their products for the presence of toxic chemicals. This follows the proposed recall of Gerber Baby Strained Carrots with RoundUp.

Kim Kardashian said that she can relate to Britney Spears being bashed in the media, because Kim claims she was body-shamed while pregnant. However, journalists said when Kim was pregnant they honestly couldn’t tell between her front & back sides.

The CDC is completing its guidance of “safe” activities for those who have received the COVID-19 vaccine – with vaccinated seniors hoping the CDC’s list includes make-out parties with their nurses.

Scientists observed the first-ever Space Hurricane swirling above the North Pole. “No way I’m flying near that s**t” said Santa Claus.

Body cam footage from an Arizona incident shows a cop releasing a police dog on a man who was not resisting arrest. The cop was suspended without pay, and the dog was suspended without Pupperoni.

Billionaire Mackenzie Scott – former wife of Amazon founder Jeff Bezos – married Dan Jewett, a private school science teacher. Jewett’s female students agree that Mr. Jewett is now “like, a lot cuter”.

Bryson Dechambeau, winner of this week’s Arnold Palmer Invitational golf tournament, said he received encouraging text messages from Tiger Woods, including “don’t black out behind the wheel” and “who is this?”.

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Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

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Guy Fieri received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He was nominated by Anyone Who’s Ever Been Famous And Didn’t Get Their Star Yet So Now They Can Demand One.

Uber says they’ll kick riders off of the ride-hailing app if their ratings from drivers become too low. This is known internally as the ‘Three Strikes’ Puke Policy.

Walmart hired Suresh Kumar to be their new Chief Technology Officer.  Kumar said  Walmart’s biggest technology challenge is from customers and employees swiping tech from the electronics department.

Twelve dead dolphins have washed up on the beaches of Delaware.  Many of them were too badly decomposed to know what killed them, but local sea life experts suspect the cause of death may have been boredom from living in Delaware.

The U.S./China trade war is hurting Maine’s lobster industry. Tariffs and export restrictions are causing lobstermen to really feel the pinch.

New York City subways will begin accepting fares from Fitbit Pay. For those choosing to jump the turnstiles, their Fitbit will count it as two big steps.

A woman’s body was found stuffed in to a curbside garbage bin in the Frankford neighborhood of Philadelphia. “We’ve never seen anything like this” said the garbage collector, “usually they’re in with recycling.”

A man set himself on fire outside of the White House. Secret Service knew it wasn’t the President, because it wasn’t just his pants on fire.

A Delta Airlines passenger is suing, claiming an emotional support dog mauled him on a flight. The victim claims Delta never verified the support dog’s credentials, and provoked the attack by including Pupperoni in his in-flight snack box.

Seybie, a newborn baby girl weighing just 8.6 ounces, is the smallest surviving human baby on record. Her parents requested anonymity – known only as “Barbie” and “Ken”.