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A critic attending the Glastonbury Music Festival in England last week controversially called Guns N Roses performance “the worst Glastonbury headlining set ever”..adding “…and I was there for Bananarama ’88”.

The Federal Government awarded $80 million to Philadelphia mass transit provider SEPTA to eliminate emissions from all SEPTA buses – not counting emissions from the riders masturbating on them.

Department of Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said some delays in July 4th air travel may be experienced if passenger jets have not yet upgraded to 5G communication. That’s because pilots only want aircraft where they can text & fly.

New Jersey is attempting to attract more public school teachers by eliminating the in-state residency requirement. Mississippi is doing the same, while also eliminating the literacy requirement.

The producers of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse admitted they secretly distributed multiple versions of the film in theaters. Moviegoers aren’t thrilled to find out that at least two versions are The Flash.

Messaging app startup ‘IRL’ will be shut down after investors determined 95% of its registered users are fake. They consider 6-7% to be the success threshold for real users, matching the statistics of Twitter.

The Inspector General found “significant evidence” of misconduct at the prison where Jeffrey Epstein died – finding that suicide watch supervision was inadequate, and that guards should not have been giving merit badges to prisoners for knot-tying.

Stanford University researchers claim to have identified a new type of clinical depression, which impacts 27% of those diagnosed with depression and is not treatable with antidepressants. It is, however, treatable with a visit to Planned Parenthood.

Rosie O’Donnell is calling for the release of the Menendez brothers, who were imprisoned for the killing of their parents in 1989. Reached for comment, Lyle & Erik Menendez said they appreciate the support, but wonder if there’s, you know, like, a hotter woman to help them out.

Bad news: a man died attempting to drink all 21 cocktails on the menu at a resort in Jamaica. Good news: it’s an all-inclusive resort, so the funeral is free.

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Facebook states Russia is the ‘King of Disinformation’ on their platform – at least until Donald Trump’s ban is reviewed again in five months.

Stanford University reversed its decision to drop 11 sports – including sailing, rowing, fencing and field hockey – after determining they could pull in about $20 million from celebrities trying to get their kids on the teams.

Joe Biden asked intelligence agencies to redouble their efforts to determine the origin of COVID-19, so CIA interrogators are turning up the heat on bats & pangolins.

Facebook & Instagram will now let users hide likes on posts, assuming, that is, you’re getting any.

New research claims the maximum human life span is 150 years old, since humans over 120 lack any ability to heal themselves. They determined this by beating up a bunch of 120-year-olds.

Ohio announced the first results of its Vax-A-Million COVID-19 vaccination lottery. A woman won a million dollars, a teen boy won a full-ride college scholarship, and dozens were hospitalized after getting multiple extra vaccines using fake names.

Tens of thousands of residents are fleeing the Congolese city of Goma, as experts warned the Mount Nyiragongo volcano could erupt again. The experts are all students in the Goma Junior High science fair.

Google made it easier to transfer emailed photos, introducing a new ‘Save To Photos’ button in Gmail. They’re planning to expand the function to unwanted harrassing photos, with a ‘Send To Police’ button.

A viral video shows two bees collaborating to open the screw cap on a bottle of Fanta orange soda – then angrily stinging the person it belongs to when they realize it’s sugar-free.

A Philadelphia 76ers fan dumped popcorn on Washington Wizards’ Russell Westbrook in last night’s NBA playoff game. If identified, the fan’s punishment will be to wear a Dallas Cowboys jersey with his jaw wired shut in a lousy seat at an upcoming Philadelphia Eagles home game.

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The NFL Draft will still happen as scheduled April 23-25 in Las Vegas. The event will be televised, but will not include the public. To compensate, fans of the New York Giants & New York Jets are encouraged to submit home videos booing their team’s picks.

Planet Fitness will offer free streaming instructional videos to quarantined members and non-members, in case you’ve forgotten how to eat pizza.

Tom Brady is leaving the New England Patriots. Patriots fans are deflated.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft said Brady’s departure was not the way he wanted it to end. As we all know, Kraft is a sucker for a happy ending.

T-Mobile announced it’s upgrading all calling and data plans for subscribers to ‘Connected’.

Stanford University denied its association with an unproven self-check for coronavirus, which claims you don’t have it if you can hold your breath for 10 seconds without coughing. Conversely, Strayer University said it makes sense to them.

General Motors is offering 7-year, 0% interest financing and four months of deferred payments to car buyers during the coronavirus outbreak. Or, since nobody’s working at the dealership anyway, you can just take one.

Pittsburgh metal band Code Orange played an album-release show to an empty theater, while 13,000 fans watched on streaming platform Twitch. Drunken women flashing their breasts had to be reminded by others in their living room the band couldn’t see them.

Aerial footage showed Clearwater Beach, Florida packed with sunbathers despite federal guiudance on group gatherings and social distancing.  It’s so crowded, sharks are hoarding swimmers to eat later.

A mysterious Ice Age structure constructed from hundreds of mammoth bones was discovered in Russia. It’s believed to have been circular, measuring 41 feet across, with an open floor plan great for entertaining.

 

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.

 

 

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Lori Loughlin has been dropped by all Hallmark Channel productions following her arrest in a college admissions cheating & bribery scandal. “Ch-CHING!!” said Valerie Bertinelli’s agent.

The U.S. Senate blocked a resolution to make the entirety of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report public, but will consider a different resolution to convert the thousands of pages to Cliff Notes.

Actress and mom Keira Knightley said during her appearance on The Tonight Show that the children’s animated show ‘Paw Patrol’ is like “toddler crack”. Knightley faces a lawsuit from the makers of fortified juice box Toddler Crack.

Stanford University examined almost 100 million state & city police traffic stops from 2011 to 2017 and found black & latino drivers were more likely to be stopped and searched. Attractive women were more likely to be stopped and engaged in awkward conversation.

Butterball recalled 80,000 pounds of ground turkey after five people were sickened with salmonella, but it’s still full speed ahead for Chipotle’s new turkey gobbler burrito bowl.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will play a live show at Egypt’s legendary pyramids in Giza. The show is expected to draw a huge crowd of the group’s most loyal longtime fans – local mummies.

The Masked Singer champion, rapper T-Pain, told the crowd at the iHeartRadio Music Awards that when he first met Taylor Swift, he “headbutted” her boobs. T-Pain then signed on for Fox’s new celebrity storytelling competition, The Unmasked Pervert.

Britain’s Thomas Cook Airlines announced they’ll sell a row of three economy seats that can be converted into a bed, for somewhat-affluent creeps who want to grope other passengers or themselves while lying down.

At an employee-only event, Boeing debuted the world’s longest jumbo-jet, the 777X. Because of controversy over grounding of its 737 MAX jets, Boeing didn’t want to make a big splash with the 777 – at least not until a carrier tries flying one across an ocean.

Some U.S. airlines are discontinuing flights to Venezuela in the wake of that country’s civil turmoil.  Affected tour companies are refunding tickets to everyone who purchased a Electronic Blackout & Starvation spring break getaway.

 

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White House staff announced that President Trump invited Russian President Vladimir Putin to visit Washington in the fall.  Putin is expected to meet privately with Trump, and to pick up several million absentee ballots to take home.

Deaths from liver disease are surging, according to a study from the University of Michigan. The number of people in 2016 who died from cirrhosis of the liver increased 65% compared to 1999. The study authors blame increased alcohol consumption, and 17 years of partying like it was 1999.

Kiley White, 26, of New Jersey lied about having brain cancer to trick a couple into letting her stay with them for over a month. The couple grew suspicious when White said her radiation treatment was resting her head on the microwave while she heated Hot Pockets.

Ryan Bounds, a Trump Administration nominee for an Appellate Court judgeship, was removed from consideration after racially-charged essays from his days at Stanford University were brought to light. The GOP said they can’t have racists on the bench in Appellate Court, they need to save them for the Supreme Court.

Roseanne Barr posted a video to her YouTube channel, once again trying to explain her racist tweet comparing Obama aide Valerie Jarrett to an ape, saying “I thought the bitch was white!” So if you’re ever in a position of having to apologize to a black woman, just tell them you thought they were a white bitch.

The Miami Dolphins stirred controversy when they announced that players who protest on-field during the national anthem could be suspended for up to four games. The Dolphins backed down when they learned that players were planning to time their protests and suspensions to avoid travel to Cleveland and Buffalo.

Microsoft holds its “Inspire” show for developer partners this week, where it shows off all the new hardware they’ll stop making in two years.

Google Maps unveiled a new ‘motorcycle mode’ in several Asian markets – such as Hong Kong, Thailand & Philippines – where two-wheeled transportation is popular. It includes directions down streets that are too narrow for cars, and factors in the time riders spend regrouping after they crash into small animals and pedestrians.

A North Hollywood house featured in exterior shots on The Brady Bunch is listed for sale at $1,885,000.  The sellers will give higher consideration to purchasers agreeing to maintain the home, and not to play ball in it.

A researcher for the Kinsey Institute surveyed over 4,000 Americans, and found the #1 sex fantasy in the U.S. is a threesome. Women wanted to explore sex with another woman, and men liked getting two breakfasts afterward.

 

 

 

 

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”