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A Mount Laurel, NJ man caught on video directing racial slurs at his neighbors was sentenced to 8 years in prison. Thousands of other New Jersey residents not recorded on video doing the same thing remain at large.

Mail order dental business Smile Direct Club is shutting down. Customers who haven’t finished straightening their teeth will be offered other do-it-yourself options from Home Depot.

Baseball star Shohei Ohtani is signing a record $700 million, 10-year deal with the Los Angeles Dodgers. In addition to the $70 million per year, Ohtani will also receive Taylor Swift’s phone number.

A Pakistani woman escaped an arranged marriage to her cousin by joining the U.S Air Force. She’s now stationed at an Air Force base in Mississippi, where dozens of locals tell her marrying their cousin isn’t so bad.

A new study finds owning a cat could double the risk of developing schizophrenia. The cat is fine with it so long as it gets fed.

Lindsay & Cade Brown are stepsiblings with a growing TikTok following, who share videos about how they got married and started a family. They’re also set to star in Pornhub’s first-ever sitcom.

Ana Akiva. a former pastor in Brazil, joined OnlyFans. She doesn’t see why Catholic priests should be the only ones who get to show their naked body to teenage boys.

A vampire-slaying kit once owned by a British aristocrat sold at auction for nearly $16,000. The buyer said he didn’t want to spend the money, but four different exterminators turned him down.

University of Pennsylvania President Liz McGill resigned after being criticized for not taking a more forceful stance against antisemitism. McGill also cancelled her Hanukkah party due to projected low turnout.

Cardi B. confirmed she and her husband are calling it Offset. While they’ll no longer be husband & wife, he hopes they can still be a-Migos.

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Britney Spears’ father Jamie Spears had his leg amputated – settling half of his lawyer’s fees for keeping Britney’s conservatorship going all those years.

Video game Grand Theft Auto 6 will feature the franchise’s first female protagonist, Lucia. Instead of punching Vice City prostitutes and stealing their money, Lucia tells them they’re fierce and agrees that sex work is real work.

Taylor Swift is Time magazine’s 2023 Person Of The Year.  They promised Beyonce 2024 because the staff wants to live to see 2025.

Gen Z women posting to social media are embracing the trend of ‘Golden Retriever boyfriends’ – loyal, courteous men who make loving companions, but who also can’t help occasionally humping their leg when they’re excited. 

A recent survey finds over one-third of couples undergo “sleep divorce” – sleeping in separate rooms because of snoring, tv watching, or the bed not having enough room for a third person.

Barbie was named to Forbes magazine’s list of the World’s Most Powerful Women – the first woman to make the list who can’t talk or dress herself.

Norman Lear passed away at age 101. Lear’s pioneering sitcoms like ‘All In The Family’, and ‘Sanford & Son‘ elevated the discussion of race relations in America, and paved the way for other producers to create thousands of hours of network TV dogshit.

Dr. Amy Cohen of Narberth, PA was arrested and charged with attempted murder after setting fire to the home of her ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend’s grandmother. It’s now even more difficult to schedule an appointment with her.

Former Congressman George Santos quadrupled his fee for personalized videos on Cameo to $350 following his expulsion. But he’s been ordered to give refunds to people who saw his listing offering videos from Boy George.

Cardi B posted an early New Year’s resolution, saying she plans to drop all “dead weight” in her life. So she unfollowed her husband Offset on Instagram, and made an appointment to have silicone siphoned from her buttocks.

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Singer Billie Eilish said she “didn’t realize people didn’t know” about her sexuality. She also didn’t realize the vast majority of people don’t care, either.

Taylor Swift watched from a suite at Lambeau Field as her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs lost to the Green Bay Packers. She consoled Kelce, telling him he’ll have a better show tomorrow night.

Yemen’s Houthi rebels launched drone & missile fire at Israeli commercial vessels in the Red Sea. Texts from the ship captains read “New attacks. Houthis?”

Former Trump White House official Alyssa Farah Griffin told a CNN host that she was surprised by Donald Trump’s “lack of sharpness” while giving confusing remarks at an Iowa rally. She added that Trump’s assistants have tried and failed to sneak Prevagen in to his Big Macs.

Nick Cannon – father to 12 children – said in an interview that he spends over $200,000 at Disneyland every year. He expects that number to go up with child support payments now that he’s gotten Snow White & Cinderella pregnant.

The Tucson federal prison housing Derek Chauvin said Chauvin was stabbed 22 times in last week’s incident. Officials are investigating a possible second assailant because the first guy’s arm got tired.

Spotify is cutting 17% of its staff, citing a need for cost reduction because those one-twentieth-of-one-cent per-play royalties to Taylor Swift and Beyonce are adding up.

Sylvester Stallone visited Philadelphia as December 3rd was recognized by the city as ‘Rocky Day’. Then the Eagles got blown out at home 42-19 and it was a Reeeeally Rocky Day.

Three University of Colorado assistant football coaches resigned, and Head Coach Deion Sanders’ fiancee broke off their engagement and will enter the Relationship Transfer Portal.

KISS played their final in-person concert at Madison Square Garden, but said their digital avatars will continue to perform shows for years to come. Then Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley’s digital avatars fired the virtual drummer and lead guitarist.

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For the first time ever, a Lifetime Christmas movie – ‘A Cowboy Christmas Romance‘ – features a sex scene. Copyright issues forced producers to switch out the film’s original title: ‘Brokeback Santa’s Workshop’.

Pope Francis canceled a planned trip to Dubai to attend a climate change conference because he’s still recovering from the flu – and not at all because his travel partner told him at the last minute that homosexuality is illegal in the United Arab Emirates.

A Virgin Atlantic Boeing 787 became the first jet to cross the Atlantic Ocean using sustainable, non-fossil fuel. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines Boeing 727 manufactured in 1963 became the first jet to barely make it from Chicago to Los Angeles on a quarter-tank of gas.

Kraft introduced vegan Mac & Cheese – just when you thought toddlers couldn’t possibly be even pickier douchebags.

Red Lobster said they recorded an $11 million quarterly loss on their Endless Shrimp promotion. Although final numbers aren’t yet available because a few hundred families that started over the summer are still going.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner’s alleged ex-girlfriend said he lied to ABC producers about their 3-year relationship after his wife died, and that he refused to take her to his high-school reunion because she gained weight. He ended their relationship by refusing to give her a rose. Or a text back. Or orgasms.

UK’s Metro Bank announced it was cutting 20% of its workers just weeks before Christmas. Metro Bank’s Board of Directors and CEO were then informed they’d each be visited by Three Spirits on Christmas Eve.

Trolls are accusing Beyonce of whitening her skin. Trolls are leaving Taylor Swift alone, because she couldn’t get any whiter if she tried.

Barry Manilow performed at the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree Lighting, and was criticized for his appearance by viewers who said he used too much Botox. Manilow clapped back, singing he can’t smile without it.

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Tiffany Haddish was arrested for her second DUI in as many years, both times falling asleep behind the wheel of her vehicle. She’s thinking of either entering rehab, or getting a Tesla that can drunk-drive itself.

For the third time, Diddy was sued by a woman alleging sexual assault and physical abuse – once again leaving fans to wonder Diddy? or Diddny? If this keeps up, he’s considering another name change to Diddn’t.

Wildlife officials warn that feral Canadian “super pigs” are threatening to migrate to the U.S. You’ll know them by their unique “Oonk”.

Life At Sea Cruises canceled their planned 3-year global voyage after admitting to ticketholders that they don’t have a boat. Despite issuing refunds, they’re facing lawsuits from passengers who rented out their homes, and adult children who thought they wouldn’t have to see their parents for three years.

Former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin was stabbed in a federal prison in Tucson the day after Thanksgiving. In other news, the inmate store posted record sales of shanks during their Black Friday Cellbuster Deal Day.

Pope Francis cancelled his planned Thanksgiving activities after being briefly hospitalized with the flu – but gave thanks that he caught the flu from some cute young altar boys.

Elon Musk’s Neuralink brain chip implant company raised $43 million in funding, after he told other billionaires with chips implanted in their brains to give him $43 million.

Black Friday shoppers were evacuated from the American Dream Mall in New Jersey, following a bomb scare by someone threatening to turn it in to the Iraqi Dream Mall.

Taylor Swift posed for a photo with five family members of Ana Clara Benevides, who died of heat exhaustion & cardiac arrest at her concert in Brazil a week earlier. Her funeral is postponed after the family blew $2,000 each on concert tickets.

The NBA is investigating claims that Oklahoma Thunder guard Josh Giddey had an inappropriate relationship with a minor. In the meantime, Giddey will continue to play, and the young woman will enter the NBA’s Development Program for Groupies.

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Philadelphia 76ers guard Kelly Oubre Jr was the victim of a hit-and-run after the side mirror of a car struck him and broke his rib. Nevertheless, an NBA referee assessed Oubre with a blocking foul for moving when he was hit.

A FedEx employee is charged with stealing $99,000 worth of gold coins from a package. He was released on bail, and the coins were forwarded to their intended recipient, Scrooge McDuck.

The Marvels bombed at the global box office, turning in the lowest ticket sales ever for a Marvel Cinematic Universe film on its opening weekend. MCU Executive Producer Kevin Feige is now considering halting production on Ant Man’s Spring Break.

NASA astronauts Jasmin Moghbeli and Loral O’Hara completed maintenance during a spacewalk outside the International Space Station in just over six hours, despite dropping their tool bag. They spent twenty minutes tightening screws, and five hours floating to the ISS Home Depot for a new wrench.

Texas A&M fired head football coach Jimbo Fisher, but will pay him the $77 million remaining on his $95 million contract. Fisher said $95 million feels like fair payment for having to spend the past six years of his life living in Southeast Texas.

As prices of olives and olive oil surge, olive growers in Greece say thieves are cutting down trees and stealing them – resulting in some of the lowest-speed police pursuits ever recorded.

Barry Manilow explained why he didn’t come out as gay until 2017 – saying he assumed everyone figured it out in 1977.

Travis Kelce used the Kansas City Chiefs bye week to fly to Argentina and attend a Taylor Swift concert – while other single Chiefs teammates stayed in Missouri and had sex with several different women that no one’s ever heard of.

The New York Post reports that some migrants bused from the Southern Border to Chicago are deciding to return to their home country because the city’s resources are depleted. The migrants were given the choice of returning home, or giving it a go in Cleveland.

Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex-girlfriend Victoria Lamas was denied entry into the actor’s 49th birthday party. Lamas reportedly showed her ID and was turned away because she was over 21.

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Sam Bankman-Fried, CEO of defunct cryptocurrency exchange FTX who’s currently facing fraud charges, said he knew “basically nothing” about crypto before starting the business. Which gives him something in common with 99% of current cryptocurrency investors.

Kylie Jenner said she’s earned PETA’s recommendation for her clothing line because she uses vegan leather. Kylie said she made sure all the cows killed for their leather were vegans.

A bear spotted near the Plymouth Meeting Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs has been captured and relocated – opening up a part-time position at Lids.

Financial services firm Bloomberg declared Taylor Swift a billionaire. Local banks declared thousands of Taylor Swift ticket-purchasers practically broke.

An Artificial Intelligence model can predict the recurrence of Crohn’s Disease. But Crohn’s sufferers say it isn’t much good until it can concurrently give the location of the nearest restroom.

Comcast and Disney are fighting over the value of Hulu prior to Disney buying Comcast’s one-third share. Disney says it’s worth $27 billion, Comcast says it’s worth more, and households are saying it’s not worth 15 bucks and cancelling.

The Centers for Disease Control voted to recommend an mpox (formerly monkeypox) vaccine for gay men and other U.S. residents. The gay men are cooperating, allthough zookeepers are struggling to administer the vaccine to anti-vax monkeys.

Kim Kardashian’s underwear brand, SKIMS, introduced a bra with a nipple built in to the cup. Kardashian joked that women wearing the bra will always “look cold” – and will probably also look like they’ll get that big promotion at work.

Camden, New Jersey is using virtual reality headsets to teach first responders and other officials how to give Narcan to opioid overdose victims. They say the VR simulation is incredibly realistic, because it includes a simulation of getting carjacked afterward.

New York City set up a ‘ticketing center’ to give illegal immigrants one-way airfares to other U.S. cities. The immigrants are glad to get the airline tickets, but are having a tough time getting the $60 for an Uber to the airport.

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Spirit Airlines canceled almost 200 flights in two days for unspecified aircraft inspections – and to bank an easy $20 million to make every ticketed passenger from those flights pay for changing them.

A new study claims Viagra could reduce the risk of Alzheimer’s by 60% – but test subjects said they had difficulty forgetting the bad sex they just had.

The National Football League warned teams of increased disciplinary action for on-field fighting during games, saying they’re worried players could really get hurt.

An Australian billionaire claims Donald Trump told Melania to put on a bikini and strut around Mar-a-Lago to show male guests what they were missing. She refused, then they did an unfiltered image search of Melania Knauss and saw everything anyway.

Taylor Swift wore an ’87’ bracelet to the Los Angeles Chargers/Kansas City Chiefs game on Sunday. 87 is her boyfriend Travis Kelce’s jersey number, and also the amount of times camera crews are told to show her reactions during telecasts of Chiefs games.

Chevron is buying Hess Corporation for $53 billion, acquiring their petroleum reserves, refineries, distribution, and several billion dollars worth of toy trucks.

Elon Musk said he’ll give Wikipedia $1 billion if they change their name to Dickipedia. Unfortunately, Dickipedia is already registered to a dedicated group of gay guys cataloguing their social friends & acquaintances.

Danny Masterson agreed to give wife Bijou Phillips full custody of their 9-year old daughter while he serves a 30-year prison sentence for rape. Phillips refused his initial offer of sneaking the child in to see him every other weekend in a large cake.

Bobi, the world’s oldest dog, passed away at age 31. His owners say they’ll miss him, but not the $28,000 in annual veterinary bills.

A JetBlue aircraft ‘popped a wheelie’ due to a shift in weight and balance after arrival at a JFK Airport gate following a flight to Barbados. Five different husbands were quoted saying “I told you so” to their wives who overpacked.

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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, died one week after setting the record for world’s oldest skydiver. The coroner said it wasn’t the fall that killed her, it was the sudden stop of her heart.

Jada Pinkett Smith revealed in an interview with Hoda Kotb that she’s separated from husband Will Smith. “Keep my wife’s things, out ma f**kin house” said Will Smith to the movers.

Scantily-clad prostitutes – wearing only enough clothing to avoid arrest by covering their genitals – are soliciting customers near a school in National City, California. Parents became concerned after their sons asked for $150 in lunch money.

Atlantic City, New Jersey will begin using drones dropping inflatables for beach rescues. To pay for it, visitors will be able to request the drones drop them beers on the beach or condoms under the boardwalk.

Taylor Swift’s Era Tour movie premieres Wednesday, and The Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles is shutting down everything but the AMC Cinemas for an opening gala. Mall businesses will be compensated for lost revenue, but the one person who wanted to see The Exorcist: Believer is out of luck.

Philadelphia Police rounded up over 1,000 traffic cones used by city residents to illegally save parking spots near their homes. Cops are now deciding what to do about families who put children in the spots to save them.

Floyd Mayweather is sending a private jet full of supplies to support Israel in their battle against Hamas – but they’re not sure how much help boxing gloves and jump ropes will be.

Alaska Airlines will serve a custom blend of coffee, which it claims is immune from airborne conditions like tasting bitter and weak, Customers who still want the bitter, weak, in-flight coffee are encouraged to book flights on the all-new Dunkin Airways.

Mattresses are piling up on the streets of Paris as the city’s bedbug infestation surges. Firefighters are also overworked, since the bugs, like many other Paris residents, smoke in bed.

The National Emergency Alert Test of cell phones on October 4th reportedly ‘outed’ many Amish people who secretly carried phones in violation of Amish law. Angry wives found text messages reading “Prithee Stoltzfus, are you not sleeping?”

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Taylor Swift did not attend the game between Travis Kelce’s Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings – leading to Kelce’s mother complaining about having to sit and watch another NFL game with “a bunch of f***ing nobodies”.

Philadelphia police arrested a man for trafficking hundreds of grams of fentanyl and heroin. He planned to make one big score in Philly before opening a day care in New York City.

Pharmacists at CVS & Walgreens are going on strike in some areas, saying they’re overworked and understaffed because vaccines have been added to their regular prescription duties. The companies are considering hiring junkies to teach citizens how to give shots to themselves .

For the first time in more than three years, student loan borrowers are required to resume making payments, costing their disappointed parents about $5.8 billion per month.

Harvard professor Claudia Goldin won the Nobel Prize in Economics for her research into women’s employment and income – surprising other nominees, since she isn’t particularly one of the hotter-looking women in the office.

The largest Hindu temple in the world outside of India opened in Robbinsville, New Jersey. Millions of worshippers will make what’s now called ‘The Holy Pilgrimage To Exit 5B’.

NFL insiders are questioning the future of New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick after they were routed at home 34-0 by the New Orleans Saints. Team owner Robert Kraft called an emergency session, with all massage therapists hands on deck.

A Long Island school bus driver fired after drinking on the job claimed not to know that White Claw contained alcohol. “Neither did we!” said less-than-credible 17-year-olds also caught drinking on the school bus.

A Louisiana high school honor student had her scholarship recommendation revoked and was removed as student council president after a video showed her twerking at a party. The girl, who is white, also stunned her black classmates by somehow twerking to ‘God Bless the USA’.

1,000 birds died flying in to the same glass building in Chicago. The ones that survived were lying on the ground cursing at Google Maps.