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A shark bit a 14-year-old boy during a lifeguard training class in Florida. Organizers have since stopped lifeguards-in-training from trying CPR on sharks.

Google will begin offering “dark web reports” to all users in late July, so they can see who else besides Google is abusing their personal information.

Customers of Ticketmaster whose personal information may have been compromised in a hack have been told to sign up for a credit monitoring service, for a $75 convenience fee.

Hailey Welch of ‘Hawk Tuah’ viral fame surpassed 1 million Instagram followers. She’s now offering social media mentoring to her sister, Slurp Tuah.

Google Maps is now suggesting in-route ‘detours’ to sponsored advertisers’ destinations – leading to record enrollment in Google Ads training by truck stop prostitutes.

People Magazine published a list of 13 rules that men must follow to be cast on The Bachelorette – including agreement to 24-hour filming, cell phone confiscation, limited Internet access, and a psychological exam they’re required to fail.

Brazil’s Pantanal – the world’s largest wetland – is on fire. Responders have no choice but to make it even wetter.

Masked thieves stole $1,700 from a Chipotle restaurant in the Philadelphia suburbs. They’d originally taken $1,600, but then asked for a little extra.

Twitch streamer Sketch – who livestreams Madden NFL football video games – addressed the leak of OnlyFans porn he’d done years earlier. He expressed relief that he no longer had to hide it, but promised his football followers he’d no longer be spiked in the end zone.

Leonardo DiCaprio reportedly was a good samaritan, helping a drunk party guest at a bash in the Hamptons over the weekend. DiCaprio reported helped the man sober up to the point where he could give DiCaprio the phone number of his 21-year-old cousin.

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A new study finds plant-based diets are best for lowering the risk of heart disease, while elevating the risk of your friends not asking you to go out to dinner with them anymore.

Mattel will honor 9 star female athletes by creating Barbies in their image, And they’ll have a bonus 2-for-1 Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner Ken/Barbie value pack.

A Domino’s franchisee in Bethlehem, PA will spend one year in jail and pay $2.5 million in restitution for tax crimes. Meanwhile a judge will schedule his hearing on pizza crimes.

A 12-time DUI offender was sentenced to 11 years in prison. Although he’s eligible to have it reduced to 10 1/2 years if he completes a Defensive Driving course.

A California woman was fined $88,000 after her children illegally harvested 72 clams from Pismo Beach. The fine was eventually reduced to $500, but she was still steamed.

Lebron James called for a change to the NBA’s challenge rules for foul calls, calling for coaches to get a third challenge after two successful challenges, and calling for any play that involves Lebron to be reviewed at Lebron’s request.

A new poll finds two-thirds of Americans are concerned about possble violence following the 2024 elections. The other third are pretty busy planning the violence.

The Department of Justice is suing to break up Live Nation/Ticketmaster, saying they’re using monopoly power to unfairly influence the ticketing business. The DOJ is planning to serve the lawsuit but are currently 20th in the queue with an estimated wait time of 15 minutes.

The Bachelorette alum Ryan Suter is addressing rumors that his wife Trista – the first ‘Bachelorette’ – had died. Ryan said she’s alive, and he can prove it because ABC hasn’t offered him a 12-episode deal as The Widower Bachelor.

WNBA rookie superstar Caitlin Clark’s popularity is about ‘white privilege’ and ‘pretty privilege’ according to The View co-host Sunny Hostin, who couldn’t drain a three to save her life.

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A new study finds ultra-processed foods can be as addictive as drugs. The study followed 200 individuals who entered rehab after Slim Jim overdoses.

During its Sugar Bowl broadcast, ESPN aired a crowd scene from New Orleans’ Bourbon Street where a woman flashed her bare breast. ESPN apologized, but said if viewers wanted to see more boobs during football, tune in to Chris Berman and Booger McFarland.

‘The Bachelorette‘ alum Rachel Lindsay’s husband Brian Abosolo filed to end their four-year marriage, after discovering she’s starring in the pilot episode of ‘The Divorcee’.

The U.S. national debt hit a record $34 trillion, leading to Joe Biden’s government credit card being rejected at Starbucks.

The NFL fined Carolina Panthers owner David Tepper $300,000 for throwing a drink on Jacksonville Jaguars fans during his team’s loss. He must also attend training at a Philadelphia Eagles game to learn how to properly throw a drink at someone.

A 13-year-old in Oklahoma claims to have ‘beaten’ Tetris, reaching level 157 before crashing the game in 38 minutes. He also broke the game’s high-score record, and the record for the longest time anyone from Oklahoma has used a computer.

A winter storm could deliver the Northeast U.S. first significant snow accumulation in 2 years. The National Grocery Store Association raised their bread & milk accumulation threat level to Code Orange.

Golden Bachelor Gerry Turner, 73 and fiancee Theresa Nist, 70, said they want all the women contestants from the show to attend their televised wedding, along with family, close friends, and several EMTs.

A Florida man was arrested after attempting to take a 4-year-old boy in Walmart, and unsuccessfully arguing with customer service for a raincheck.

Utah officials are investigating the death of a man at Salt Lake City airport who climbed into the jet engine of a parked aircraft. He had a boarding pass for a flight to Denver, and instructions from Frontier Airlines on where to sit when flying standby.

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Khloe Kardashian said she’s “not attracted” to ex Tristan Thompson, but didn’t rule out reconciling with him, because after all he’s the father of her kids, and a rich guy who’s still in the NBA.

Starbucks debuted their Holiday Cups. Then stood back and watched as customers with the Hanukkah and Eid al-Fitr cups fought each other ruthlessly.

Matthew McConaughey debuted Pantalones Tequila. He’s looking forward to doing weird-ass commercials for one of his own products for a change.

Responding to a rumor, former host of The Bachelorette, Chris Harrison, told former Dancing With The Stars pro Cheryl Burke he never blocked her from being The Bachelorette by calling her “a sloppy drunk”. He said he blocked her because she was over 30.

Apple just released iOS17.1, MacOS14.1 and WatchOS10.1 – forcing millions of remote workers to take the day off for Downloading.

A 29-year-old man was found dead inside a Norfolk, Virginia apartment building chimney after authorities were called to investigate a foul odor. Children in the apartments are just relieved he was removed before Christmas Eve.

Workers for SEPTA, Philadelphia’s public transit system, may go on strike, halting bus and trolley service. City officials are issuing guidance to residents for alternatives where they can masturbate and use drugs.

The NHL Ottawa Senators announced center Shane Pinto is suspended 41 games for violating the league’s gambling rules. Draft Kings, Fanduel, Caesars & other announced they’re now down to about 6 people who actively bet on hockey.

Britney Spears said in her memoir that Justin Timberlake used a “blaccent” when they met hip-hop artist Ginuwine – calling Timberlake disinginuwous.

An escort hired for $2,,500 from website Seeking Arrangements is accused of leaving a U2 concert in Las Vegas she attended with her ‘sugar daddy’ and stealing $50,000 from his hotel room safe. The daddy said he’s currently low on sugar.

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Joey Graziadei will be ABC’s next ‘The Bachelor‘, after finishing as runner-up on The Bachelorette. ‘Runner-up’ means he got to have sex with The Bachelorette, but didn’t have to be her fiance.

Donald Trump will surrender to Georgia police on Thursday after being charged with felony election fraud and will be released on $200,000 bond. Rudy Giuliani will also surrender around the same time so he can ask Donald Trump for bail money.

A trans woman is suing a New York yoga studio for not allowing her to use the woman’s locker room. Management was responding to complaints from females who didn’t want to see the yogi bare.

Google Photos announced a redesign of its editing tools, providing AI-driven ‘Suggestions’ such as Filter, Crop, or – when it detects boob & dick pics – Enhance.

Following torrential downpours from Hurricane Hilary, the mayor of Palm Springs stated it was impossible to enter or leave the city. City council took up a measure to rename it Palm Island.

Japan will release one million gallons of treated radioactive water into the ocean from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear plant on August 24th. Starting around August 25th, there will be a nationwide 50% off sale on sushi.

The Philadelphia Phillies are testing a new facial recognition entry system where fans can submit a picture to use their face as a ticket. The team asks that fans don’t get too drunk in the parking lot and punch each other’s tickets.

Bucking the trend of retailers leaving the city due to rampant theft, Ikea opened a new store in downtown San Francisco. It’ll host the first Smash & Grab where it takes looters 15 minutes to exit the building.

The Coast Guard rescued a man stuck for several days on an uninhabited island in the Bahamas after his sailboat broke down. The man was grateful since he”d grown tired of the boat’s Skipper hitting him with his hat.

Armed suspects robbed an ice cream parlor in Philadelphia. They fled with an undisclosed amount of cash stuffed in a waffle cone.

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Following a two-week manhunt, Pennsylvania State Police captured escaped convict Michael Burham, who was spotted after a dog barked at him in the woods. The dog would have stayed quiet, but Burham was out of Pupperoni.

ABC announced 71-year-old widowed senior Gerry Turner as the first ‘Golden Bachelor’. They expect to announce a 35-year-old woman as their first ‘Golden Bachelorette’.

Ford cut the price of their all-electric F-150 Lightning pickup trucks by as much as $10,000, due to slow demand in the Deep South, where customers don’t know why their pickup should have electricity if their house doesn’t.

Disney CEO Bob Iger said he’s considering selling money-losing streaming services. But he’s concerned the buyer will change their mind and cancel after two months.

Police arrested architect Rex Heuermann as the suspected Gilgo Beach serial killer. He’s charged with three murders, although investigators expect to find other load-bearing bodies supporting those.

Country star Jason Aldean ended a Connecticut concert early due to what he called dehydration and heat exhaustion. Roadies attempted to rehydrate him with an intravenous drip of Bud Light but his body rejected it.

A sex therapist tells CNN they see many male patients who said they married a woman without considering them sexually attractive. The therapist said the men should work on communicating their desires, and, as a backup, finding $300.

An experimental drug was found to slow the progression of Alzheimer’s by 35%. The drug is cyanide, and they think they got the percentages wrong.

A Canadian man driving a petroleum truck was fired for pulling a baby moose in to the passenger seat to save the animal from an impending bear attack. Before he was fired, he cancelled a date with a woman he’d scheduled at the next truck stop.

A teen girl from Switzerland defaced the exterior of the famed Colosseum in Rome by carving in to it with a piece of metal. She was questioned by police, who wanted to know exactly what she meant by “for a good time”.

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Philadelphia Police are seeking a man who punched a pregnant woman for not giving up her seat on a city bus. Two stops later she delivered her baby boy.

Saudi Arabia executed 81 people in a single day, as the field was narrowed down in the opening round of ‘Saudi Arabian Idol’.

Motley Crue bassist Nikki Sixx said the band’s setlist for the upcoming stadium tour will include “hits, deep tracks and some cool surprises.” When pressed what the “cool surprises” might be, he referred to guitarist Mick Mars actually living through the whole tour, and Vince Neil singing all the words to one or two songs.

Construction began on the world’s largest cruise ship terminal in Miami. It will be able to accommodate up to three massive ships at the same time, and will create thousands of new jobs and viruses.

Apple supplier Foxconn closed one of their Chinese factories for a week because of the country’s COVID lockdown. However, every employee will assemble 100 iPads & 1000 iPhones for homework.

Nika Nikoubin, 21, stabbed her date during a sexual encounter at a Las Vegas hotel as “revenge” for the U.S. killing an Iranian general in a 2020. She’s held on $60,000 bail, which will likely be covered by the TV producers who named her ‘The Iranian Bachelorette’.

Tom Brady ended his retirement after six weeks and will rejoin the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for another season. Brady will be 45 next season, meaning the NFL will expand its Concussion Protocol to include dementia.

Pete Davidson and five paying customers will be the next passengers on Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin rocket launch. The customers are unnamed, but Hulu announced a new spinoff series, ‘Kardashtronauts’.

New guidance points to sore throat as the most common leading indicator of COVID infection, confusing Atlantic City prostitutes who worry their throats are never not sore.

Russian troops were reportedly so confident of victory in Ukraine, they carried dress uniforms for a victory parade in Kyiv. They’re now demoralized based on heroic Ukrainian opposition, troop casualties, and because they blew up all the dry cleaners.

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Chicago police arrested an 11-year-old boy for a series of carjackings. He will be charged as a juvenile and likely lose his five-star Uber driver rating.

Andre Dickens was elected the new Mayor of Atlanta, overcoming voter concerns that they were really voting for Andy Dick.

Scientists discovered the fossilized remains of dinosaur Kyhytysuka. They say the marine predator possessed an “arsenal of teeth”, which was good for devouring large prey, but not great for attracting or keeping boyfriends.

A Russian cannibal – who confessed to murdering and eating victims – was arrested after a decapitated body fell out of the trunk of his crashed car. He admitted he was running late with the delivery to one of his regular Grubhub customers.

Alice Sebold, author of The Lovely Bones, apologized to the man who wrongly served 16 years in prison for her rape. However, she withheld any apology for the terrible film adaptation of The Lovely Bones.

A South Carolina jury awarded $10 million to a woman who lost her leg from complications after stepping on a rusty nail inside a Walmart. The complications were treatment she received from a part-time stockboy at Walmart Urgent Care.

Kyle Rittenhouse is no longer a registered nursing student at Arizona State University, saying they already have enough guys with AR-15s providing security at keg parties.

A FedEx driver is accused of dumping packages at a ravine in Alabama six different times. The investigation was complicated because all six times, the same possum signed for the deliveries.

As Kim Kardashian and estranged husband Kanye West attended a Miami funeral for designer Virgil Abloh, Pete Davidson attended a New York Knicks game with his sister. Davidson now has a new hickey and says he & his sister are just friends.

Former ‘The Bachelor’ star / now out gay man Colton Underwood said he tried to “suppress his homosexuality” daily with Xanax, adding that boner-free televised makeout sessions with women in hot tubs wasn’t suppression enough.

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Firefighters battling California’s Dixie wildfire report some property owners pointing guns at them as they try to rescue them from the approaching flames. Firefighters also didn’t know the Bloods and Crips own clubhouses near the fire.

The National Labor Relations Board reaffirmed the right of unions to put Scabby, the giant inflatable rat, in front of businesses using non-union labor. Local health departments will, however, still oppose giant non-inflatable rats inside of restaurants.

The U.S. Senate is set to approve a massive $1.2 trillion infrastructure bill, which is estimated to be enough money to repair one-third of the potholes in and around Philadelphia.

Texas Governor Greg Abbott is asking hospitals to halt non-urgent procedures as COVID-19 cases soar in the state – risking an untimely halt to Texas’ massive cheerleader boob job industry before the start of football season.

Blake Moynes got engaged to The Bachelorette Katie Thurston on the show’s season finale, after Thurston ended a romance with another contestant, Justin Glaze, and a third contestant, Greg Grippo, quit. The couple are reportedly still engaged, at least until Thurston can track down one of the other two guys.

Fox Network’s Fantasy Island reboot premieres tonight, as Donald Trump demands to know how he can get on the show.

Harrison Ford vacationed in Croatia as he recovers from an injury suffered on the set of Indiana Jones and the Last Joint Replacement.

Twitter suspended Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene for spreading misinformation about vaccines. She’ll be reinstated in a week so she can resume spreading misinformation about vaccines.

Jeopardy! Executive Producer Mike Richards, a frontrunner to become permanent host, allegedly has a history of sexual harassment and poor workplace behavior. He admits he’s stronger in some categories and weaker in others.

Olympic gymnast McKayla Maroney is selling an NFT of her “Not Impressed” meme-face from her silver medal ceremony in 2012. It could sell for a 5-figure price, then be shown off by its owner to people making the Not Impressed face.

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Ukraine’s Army is being criticized for forcing female cadets to march in high heels. Worse, none of them were given a matching belt & handbag.

General Motors will no longer install CD players in new cars. They’ll switch to in-dash clock/radios that hold your iPod.

Buffalo Bills backup quarterbacks Mitch Trubisky and Jake Fromm each got married over the weekend, following lengthy negotiations with their wives over moving to Buffalo.

As part of the “largest menu overhaul” in its history, Subway sandwich shops are slicing ham and turkey more thinly. They’ll also give customers special magnifying glasses so they can actually see the meat on their sandwich.

Donald Trump plans to sue Facebook & Twitter for banning him from their platforms. He’s currently choosing a tough, smart lawyer from the advertisements on Newsmax.

Miki Sudo, reigning Women’s Champion of the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest from 2014-2020, skipped the 2021 event because she’s pregnant. Doctors are concerned that her amniotic fluid is already 70% hot dog water.

The trainer of Marcel the Monkey from ‘Friends’ criticized David Schwimmer for his critical remarks about the monkey during the cast reunion, claiming Schwimmer was jealous of the monkey getting laughs. He also criticized Matthew Perry for falsely accusing the monkey of stealing his Vicodin.

Scarlett Johansson is rumored to be expecting a baby with husband Colin Jost. No word on whether the ‘Black Widow’ star will have the baby delivered by Doctor Strange, or induced with a Hulk smash.

Former Victoria’s Secret model Bridget Malcolm said she was told by a much older man to use cocaine and have “lots of sex” to lose weight before she had even turned 18. She refused the sex, but said thanks for the cocaine.

Former ‘Bachelorette’ Claire Crowley is having her breast implants removed, saying her current boyfriend told her that “your boobs are not what make you beautiful”. His opinion is not shared by dozens of former Bachelors.