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Amazon is in trouble for shipping products to the Iranian Embassy. The illegal shipments were detected when U.S. Intelligence operatives heard Iranian Embassy workers ask Alexa where they could get plutonium and automatic weapons.

Unconfirmed reports state that Beyonce is interested in acquiring a stake in the NBA Houston Rockets. Players on the Houston Rockets said that they’d be really excited to acquire a stake in Beyonce.

Rookie New York Jets safety Jamal Adams stirred controversy when asked about player head injuries and CTE at a fan forum; Adams replied “literally, if I had a perfect place to die, it would be on the field.” As a member of the 2017 Jets, Adams can look forward to getting killed on the field, off of it, and most days in the Sports section.

Donald Trump Tweeted that he will continue to use social media to reach over 100 million followers, saying it’s the only way he can “get the truth out.” Meaning, out of his way.

Trump reacted to recent nuclear missile advances by North Korea saying simply “we’ll handle it.” Which instills the same confidence as hearing a Dad who can’t tell XBox from Playstation saying he’ll “handle” buying video games for his kid’s birthday.

The Emoji Movie made almost $25 Million at the weekend box office, despite its dismal 7% Fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes, because it’s a long summer and Mommy needs her alone time while Dad takes you kids to the matinee.

The Wall Street Journal reports that New Jersey is losing Millennial workers – Millennials are described as preferring to work at offices close to where they socialize, and they prefer to socialize anywhere but New Jersey.

New England Patriots Julian Edelman and Stephon Gilmore were kicked out of practice for fighting. The fight started when Patriots veteran Edelman accused the newly-acquired Gilmore of not cheating hard enough.

A place kicker for the University of Central Florida lost his NCAA eligibility because he was being paid for videos on his YouTube channel. He promised to continue producing the make-up videos.

Burning Man Festival finally received its permit from the Federal Bureau of Land Management, and the festival will go on. Parts of the location had been flooded, leading organizers to either postpone the festival, or change it to Peeing Man.

  • One of the big art installations featured this year at Burning Man is a 14 foot pyramid constructed with gummy bears. The pyramid will be surrounded by armed guards to ward off Burners who get the munchies.

Jared Kushner told a group of White House Interns that the Trump Campaign couldn’t have colluded with the Russians because they were too disorganized. And if there’s one thing Kushner knows about the Russians, it’s that he’s indebted to them for tens of millions of dollars.

 

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.

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Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.

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Ford introduced its first F-150 Police Truck. Police departments purchasing the truck have been bombarded with 911 calls from people asking for help moving into their new place.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer abruptly resigned, as President Trump named Anthony Scaramucci to be his new Communications Director. Trump has, in effect, replaced Ralph Malph with The Fonz.

The school board of Three Rivers, Texas has voted to allow parents to opt-in to having misbehaving children punished by spanking with a wooden paddle. If parents opt out of the paddling, their children will be punched, instead.

A Michigan woman was convicted of her husband’s murder, in a case where the man’s parrot – in the room at the time of his death – repeated the phrase “don’t (bleeping) shoot”. The woman awaits sentencing, and the parrot has entered the Witness Protection Program in an undisclosed zoo.

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Kyrie Irving has asked to be traded, shocking some NBA insiders, while also not shocking people who think it’s normal to want out of Cleveland.

A Texas company recalled its coffee after discovering it contained high levels of a Viagra-like substance. In doing so, it solved the mystery of men in their 50s and 60s flooding area hospitals with latte overdoses.

The bag Neil Armstrong used to collect moon rocks and dust during the Apollo 11 mission sold at auction for $1.8 million, less than the $2-4 million forecast. The buyer claimed that the bag was pretty dirty.

For the first time ever, China will import rice from the United States. Reacting to the windfall, Uncle Ben bought a new boat.

Jack Daniels will introduce a whiskey commemorating the slave who originally taught Daniels how to make whiskey. Look for ‘Some Black Dude Special Reserve’ on store shelves soon.

Ole Miss head football coach Hugh Freeze resigned, after and investigation found that he placed a 1-minute phone call to an escort service. The call would have been longer than a minute, but the escort told him there was no way she was going to Mississippi.

Two Baltimore police officers plead guilty to committing armed robberies and filing false claims for overtime. The cops argued that the overtime claims were valid, since they were at the scene of an armed robbery.

President Trump nominated Sam Clovis – a man with no scientific background – to head up science at the Department of Agriculture, despite regulations requiring the hire be “from among distinguished scientists”. Trump argued that what distinguishes Clovis is that he’s not a scientist.

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The LPGA announced a new dress code for its women golfers — banning ‘plunging necklines’ and ‘short skirts’ that don’t cover the player’s buttocks. The rules come just days after women competed in the U.S. Women’s Open at Trump National, a club where the women’s dress code requires plunging necklines and short skirts that don’t cover players’ buttocks.

Wild monkeys – specifically, feral macaques – are scaring residents in central Florida. The groups of monkeys are taking up residence in backyards and chasing visitors to a state park where the monkeys live in large numbers. Animal experts say that the monkeys are highly intelligent and adaptable, meaning they’ll probably want to leave Florida soon.

Traces of fecal coliform bacteria a.k.a. ‘poop bacteria’ were detected in drinks purchased at U.K. locations of McDonalds, Burger King and KFC. KFC responded by immediately shutting down ice machines at affected locations; McDonalds and Burger King responded by saying the drinks are still a lot safer than the hamburgers.

Diners at a Chipotle location in Dallas captured video of rodents in the restaurant. The store manager states that the rodents were removed; the rodents say they left after finding out that guacamole costs a little extra.

  • Following reports of norovirus at a Chipotle in Virginia, the chain offered a short buy one/get one promotion, called Diarrhea Loves Company.

Charlize Theron’s new action movie, Atomic Blonde, opens this month. The film will not be shown in North Korea, where Atomic Blonde is what they call Donald Trump.

OJ Simpson’s parole hearing received extensive coverage on broadcast and cable networks. A confused, angry President Trump was left to tweet about Fake News he thinks he saw on Golf Channel.

  • Simpson was granted parole. He thanked the board and said he can’t wait to get out and work with Leslie Nielsen again.

The LA Times reported that former Dean of Medicine at USC, Carmen Puliafito, used meth & ecstasy and partied with prostitutes while on the job. Puliafito, who resigned in 2016, awaits his cabinet appointment as President Trump’s Drug Czar.

‘Despacito’, just certified the most streamed song ever, has been banned by Malaysian Government Radio for being too sexually suggestive. In other news, John Denver’s Greatest Hits topped Malaysia’s Top 40 for the 2000th straight week.

Dallas, TX hired Ulysha Renee Hall, its first-ever female police chief. Accepting the position, Hall said “women add that special something to law enforcement that truly, truly calms the savage beasts.” As what that ‘special something’ was, Hall replied ‘guns’.

Donald Trump blasted Attorney General Jeff Sessions in a New York Times interview for recusing himself from the Russia investigation. Sessions told reporters he’s stay on the job, but that he’d give Trump something he knows nothing about, the silent treatment.

 

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Frontier Airlines announced plans to double in size. The low-cost carrier will service dozens of new cities, and add hundreds of new jobs losing baggage.

Donald Trump met with GOP Senators, urging them not to recess until they’d solved health care. Trump added “inaction is not an option” – which came as news not just to GOP Senators, but to every Congressperson, ever.

  • One Senator, hearing the President say “not to leave town” and “inaction is an option” quickly drafted a bill proposing a Monument to Irony.

A doctor in the U.K. examining a woman for cataracts instead found 27 contact lenses under her eyelid. The woman was able to save a lot of money on unnecessary cataract surgery and contact lens solution.

  • Her eyeball was found in a contact lens case on the woman’s nightstand.

‘Despacito’ broke the record for most-streamed song ever, with 4.6 billion streams, and 8.6 billion skips.

Robbers stole two blocks of award-winning vintage cheddar cheese from a farm show in southern England. The robbers are still at large, and Scotland Yard has beefed up security at area cracker factories.

WalMart is deploying a facial recognition system to detect unhappy shoppers in its stores. The system overloaded and crashed within a minute of launch.

  • Asked how it works, a WalMart developer said “it just takes everyone’s picture.”

Frances Gabe of Portland, OR, inventor of the world’s only self-cleaning house, died at age 101. Her house immediately quit.

Muppet Studios has finally spoken about the reasons given for firing Steve Whitmire, longtime voice of Kermit the Frog, saying that Whitmire displayed “unacceptable business conduct.” Whitmire called the firing a “betrayal”, and cited decades of verbal abuse by a blond pig.

Samsung launched its Bixby voice assistant to compete with Siri, Cortana & Google Voice. Samsung says that Bixby is good at responding to normal tasks, such as “Bixby read my texts..Bixby turn up the volume..Bixby call the fire department.”

Rosie O’Donnell angered conservatives by tweeting a game where you can make President Trump jump off a cliff. The developer promised an update where you can make Trump and Rosie jump while holding hands.

The U.S.’ second-highest ranking general has warned about threats to U.S. interests from rogue killer robots, many of which already have jobs at Amazon.

A new study indicates that Americans are having less sex than in the 90s – possibly because they’re 20 years older and not as hot looking.

Disney’s live action adaptation of Aladdin faces criticism for not hiring an Arab actress to play Jasmine. Disney replied, saying all of the Arab actresses are stuck at the airport.

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Apple unveiled its latest round of new emoji, including a breastfeeding mom and a woman in a headscarf. Mike Pence’s wife Karen immediately took away his iPhone.

  • Other additions include a “mind blown” face, and a face spewing green vomit, part of the “Make America Great Again” emoji bundle.

This week is “Made In America” week as declared by President Trump, with all states sending items to The White House that were made in that state. Georgia sent food from Chick Fil A, and Arizona sent golf clubs from PING Golf – at which point the President told all the remaining states not to bother.

  • New York and the District of Columbia sent their latest creations – fact-based stories from the New York Times and Washington Post about Trump & Russia.

Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met a 2 month old baby, born to Syrian refugees living in Canada, named Justin-Trudeau Adam Bilau, as he attended a rodeo in Calgary. Meanwhile last June, Donald Trump met a 39 year old baby named Donald Trump Jr, born to one of his ex-wives, right after he conferenced with Russian operatives in New York.

President Trump’s overall job approval rating dropped to 38%, the lowest of any President six months in to his term recorded in the last hundred years. Trump criticized the poll and said he was waiting for Nielsen ratings.

Subway announced they’re looking to freshen up the appearance of their stores to help halt declining sales. Subway’s CEO said that they require franchisees to update their facilities every 7 to 10 years, and update their meat & rolls every 10 to 15 years.

O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing is scheduled for this Thursday. If granted, O.J. is eligible for release on October 1st, and available for cameos in Adam Sandler movies on October 2nd.

A stunt man fell to his death on the set of The Walking Dead. He was recast an hour later as an extra.

Honda released its newly-redesigned 2018 Honda Accord sedan. “Cool!” said your Dad.

A million dollars worth of marijuana was found in spare tire compartments of Ford Fusions assembled in Mexico. The DEA is investigating, but meanwhile Ford is reporting record sales of the Fusion Special El Chapo Edition.

Ed Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the season premiere of Game of Thrones, playing a soldier leading other soldiers in a singalong…until a guy came along and changed the station to a different group of soldiers.

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Disney Parks announced a makeover to Epcot Center – among the changes, a new roller coaster to replace a theater show about energy. Disney assured longtime Epcot fans that the roller coaster will be boring.

McDonalds’ smartphone app crashed on National Ice Cream Day, the same day users were promised a free vanilla cone. McDonalds apologized, telling customers that it isn’t real ice cream anyway.

The bag used by Neil Armstrong to collect moon rocks and dust during his Apollo mission is to be auctioned off. The bag is expected to fetch upward of $2 Million, but good luck finding the shoes to go with it.

Donald Trump attended the final rounds of the U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships at Trump’s course in New Jersey. He tweeted his excitement that an amateur golfer led the tournament in its final round; since an amateur can’t collect the prize money, Trump figured he could have it.

Arizona Senator John McCain underwent surgery to remove a blood clot near his eye. Said President Trump “I like Senators who don’t get blood clots.”

Caitlyn Jenner said that she’s considering a run for a Senate seat in California, in order to promote transgender rights and Republican values. When asked what that means, she said she didn’t know, but since she’s a woman now, she figures anything is possible.

Jenner’s announcement raises the possibility that she and Kid Rock could both be U.S. Senators — and remember how hard everyone laughed when Gopher from The Love Boat was elected to Congress.

A woman UFC fighter started a GoFundMe to cover expenses to prepare for her September fight, and for her October/November/December concussion symptoms.

Florida police found a man’s stash of cocaine in a Cookie Monster doll during a traffic stop. They eagerly await a search warrant for the man’s Big Bird doll.

Actress  Jodie Whittaker will be the first woman to portray Doctor Who. Doctor Who is a scientist who can travel through time, but will now find a way to be late getting ready for stuff.

Actor & New Kid On The Block Donnie Wahlberg left a $2,000 tip on a $83 check at a Waffle House in North Carolina. Wahlberg says that after the meal, his large intestine was Hangin Tough.

Denver Broncos WR Cody Latimer is under scrutiny for his part in a brawl earlier this year in a Dayton Ohio strip club. Latimer said that he was trying to break up a fight between an bouncer and his uncle, and that he also regrets having a family reunion at a strip club.

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President Trump was criticized for comments about French First Lady Brigitte Macron’s figure, telling her “you’re in such great shape.” Ms. Macron was said to have replied “thanks! You too-…uh…I mean nice suit!”

  • In turn, French President Macron said to First Lady Melania Trump “how the hell did you end up with this guy?”

Trump tweeted that he was leaving Paris and would attend the U.S. Women’s Open golf tourney at Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey — leading to many rounds breaking pace-of-play records by women wanting to get off the course before he arrived.

  • Trump is expected to ask the LPGA Tour’s many Asian players for their help with North Korea.
  • Past champion Michelle Wie withdrew from the tourney, citing a neck injury, and possible injury from Trump’s never-ending handshakes.

Texas passed a new law permitting ‘open carry’ of knives with blades over 5.5 inches, a move applauded by the state’s many Samurai Cowboys.

President Jimmy Carter was hospitalized, then released, for dehydration after collapsing at a Habitat for Humanity home construction site in Winnipeg. The job foreman praised the 92 year-old for his hard work, before assigning him a double-shift to make up for lost time.

Chinese scientists reportedly conducted the first successful “teleportation” experiment – sending information from a proton in the Gobi Desert to a satellite. The work is being called a breakthrough — as the first time Chinese scientists entered the Gobi Desert.

Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen were approved for memberships to the exclusive Country Club at Brookline. Club officials delayed the approval two years, citing concerns about member privacy, and cheating with deflated volleyballs at the club picnic.

Nordstrom’s website crashed during their big annual Anniversary Sale. Executives apologized and told frustrated shoppers it was more fun to slug it out in person, anyway.

Social Security beneficiaries are projected to receive a 2.2% cost of living increase next year. So now’s the time to hit up Gramma for that new bike.

Beyonce posted the first photos of twins Rumi and Sir Carter on Instagram. Bey is pictured cradling the two infants in front of a huge floral arrangement; the twins are pictured cradling iPhones and money.

A worker trapped in a room behind an ATM passed “Help Me” notes to ATM users to help facilitate his escape. Several of the customers thought the notes were either a joke, or a cruel comment about their measly checking account balance.

Taylor Swift ended a months-long Instagram absence with a congratulatory post for her BFF Selena Gomez’s new single. Swift has kept most of her followers during her break, who have stayed out of fear they’d get a mean song written about them if they left.

Muppet Studios fired the voice actor who has portrayed Kermit the Frog for the last 27 years. The actor, Steve Whitmire, said he’s devastated, that it’s not easy losing all that green.