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Merry Christmas, Everyone!!

Britney Spears’ boyfriend, fitness trainer Sam Asghari, said he contracted COVID-19 but recovered thanks to a healthy lifestyle. Britney said while Sam was toxic, she had not slipped under.

Volunteers calling themselves “grandchildren of Santa Claus” placed video calls to isolated elderly patients at a nursing home in Italy. The Italian seniors refused to speak with them because they’d never showed up to Sunday dinner.

A USA Today poll found 50% of registered voters call Donald Trump a “failed President”. Another 30% wanted to know if “failed” was the worst choice they had.

The CDC reported another coronavirus strain discovered in Nigeria, then said “nevermind, it’s just regular ol’ ebola”.

Oregon officials say one person’s “superspreader action” resulted in several deaths and over 300 people sick. The person in question defended himself, saying it was just a really busy shift at the Arby’s drive-thru.

Visa continued its ban for use on payments to Pornhub – a judge then ruled Visa can no longer say “it’s everywhere you want to be”.

Billionaire Ron Burkle – a former financial advisor to Michael Jackson – purchased Neverland Ranch for $20 million. Burkle hasn’t yet disclosed his future plans for the property, other than evicting Bubbles the Chimp.

The Houston Rockets postponed their season-opening game because too many players were in COVID protocol. James Harden plans to get both the Pfizer and Moderna vaccines, since he usually takes twice as many shots as he should.

The CDC still hasn’t notified passengers on a United Airlines flight where a man died of COVID-19 that they’ve been exposed. However, United asked them to designate a beneficiary for their frequent flyer miles.

Washington Football Team owner Daniel Snyder claims co-owner Dwight Schar is leaking information on Snyder’s alleged sexual misconduct in a effort to force Snyder out. Snyder has no plans to sell, but he is embarrassed, as evidenced by his red skin.

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Hawaii’s Kilauea volcano erupted for the first time in two years, figuring if there’s ever a good time to spew more toxins into the air, it’s probably now.

Mark Wahlberg disappointed Australian fans at the grand opening of one of his F45 Fitness Gyms. Wahlberg spent a mere five minutes posing for pics at the new gym in Woolloomooloo, Sydney, before bidding everyone TooDooLooLoo.

An 18-year-old woman from Georgia was sentenced to four months in jail in the Cayman Islands for breaking COVID-19 protocols. Her parents appealed to Donald Trump for assistance, and are confident he’ll follow up, because she’s kinda hot.

The U.K. is in lockdown after a more transmissible, mutated, strain of coronavirus ravages the area. It’s so unpopular, instead of COVID-20, they’re calling it “Meghan”.

Following vaccination of healthcare workers, a CDC Advisory Panel recommends Americans 75 & older be next in line for vaccines. The panel is also warning their grandchildren to expect long, boring stories about it.

Apple may launch the Apple Car as early as next year. Pricing is not yet available, although interested buyers are being told to buy a case for it so the windshield doesn’t break when they hit the curb.

Ariana Grande is engaged to real estate broker Dalton Gomez. Grande plans to enter the studio to begin recording her next album about dumping him.

The new $900 billion government stimulus package reportedly contains $600 direct payments to Americans, billions in expanded unemployment benefits, and about $400 billion to the Russians hacking into the Treasury to take it.

Brazil President Jair Bolsonaro raged against the Pfizer COVID-19 vaccine, saying if the vaccine turned someone into an alligator, Pfizer bears no legal liability. Pfizer said its vaccine does not turn people into alligators, because it would make the second vaccine dose really hard to administer.

New video emerged of a United Airlines passenger receiving CPR before dying of COVID-19 symptoms midflight, and of the the courageous flight attendant trying to push her cart over him to complete beverage service.

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United Airlines is rushing shipments of Pfizer’s COVID-19 vaccine. The vaccine has now spent four days waiting for Philadelphia International Airport baggage handlers to move it.

The Pope appointed Archbishop Wilton Gregory the first African American Cardinal in the Catholic church. Gregory has spent more time in rooms full of sweaty, naked men than black Cardinal Ozzie Smith.

Vanderbilt University’ placekicker Sarah Fuller became the first woman to play in a Southeast Conference men’s football game. She would have tried a field goal in addition to kickoffs, but after two timeouts, Fuller was still “almost ready”.

Trixie, the largest whale shark at the Georgia Aquarium, died. The smaller whale sharks are expected to mourn, then eat her.

Website Mashed.com asked readers to name their favorite chain restaurant hamburger, and the winner was Five Guys, followed by In-N-Out. Checkers received a few votes from people who weighed in after being stabbed in the parking lot.

President-elect Joe Biden hurt his foot playing with his dog, and will need to wear a boot on his injured foot, in addition to the boot on his good foot to kick Trump out of the White House.

A report claims Iran’s top nuclear scientist Mohsen Fakhrizadeh was assassinated with a remote-control machine gun – the same one that’s sold out everywhere after being listed in the 2020 Al Qaeda Holiday Gift Guide.

David Prowse, who portrayed Darth Vader in three Star Wars films, died. Following the deaths of actors portraying Princess Leia, R2D2 & Chewbacca, he’s the fourth Death Star.

Joe Biden named an all-woman White House Communications Team. They’ve gotten together once and already aren’t speaking to each other.

The Denver Broncos lost 31-3 to the New Orleans Saints, in a game the Broncos played without any quarterbacks on the roster due to COVID-19. The New York Jets lost to Miami, dropping to 0-10 in a game where they were without any quarterbacks for the third month in a row.

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Amazon, Target & Walmart all kicked off big two-day sales. Amazon has Prime Day, Target has Deal Days, and Walmart has Dig Up That Coffee-Can Cash In The Yard Days.

Dr. Anthony Fauci said he “won’t walk away from” the COVID-19 outbreak no matter who the President is. Instead, he’ll fly to New Zealand.

Astra Zeneca and Johnson & Johnson both paused their COVID-19 vaccine trials because a participant became ill. Newly-immune Donald Trump volunteered to donate his plasma, but the patients said they don’t want herpes.

Employees of iconic Hollywood landmark Chateau Marmont say the hotel has a “toxic, drug-fueled culture”. Not surprisingly, guests rate Chateau Marmont as Los Angeles’ #1 Hotel for Toxic Drug-Fueled Stays on Trip Advisor.

Nikki Patterson of Scotland broke the Guinness Book Record for having the most tattoos of any musical artist, with 28 tattoos of Eminem. Remarkably, 27 of them are cover-ups of Vanilla Ice.

New York’s upscale sex club, Snctm, is planning a ‘Black-Death themed’ Halloween sex party. Space is limited to 30 guests on a first-served, first-come basis.

A 25-year-old Nevada man is now the first U.S. citizen confirmed to have contracted COVID-19 twice. He says the second bout was worse because of his underlying condition of eating at the Circus Circus buffet the day of his second positive test.

A new study claims coronavirus can survive for up to 28 days on paper money. “So?” said men who leave all their cash in pants pockets when they do laundry.

Delta Airlines reported a $5.4 billion quarterly loss due to the pandemic. So good luck getting them to give you that whole can of Diet Coke.

Flight attendants Kim Guillory, a black woman, and Sharon Tesler, a Jewish woman – both “over age 39” – are suing United Airlines, saying they aren’t picked for MLB & NFL charter flights because they’re not young and blond. United claims it’s not their age and race, it’s that football and baseball players don’t want to have sex with them.

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United Airlines will give COVID-19 tests to some passengers. The ones who fail will be assigned to Boarding Group 19.

South Bend, Indiana outfitted its school buses with wifi. They allow students to use the Internet on rides to & from school, and let bullies view porn during downtime between beating up nerds.

A two-year-old boy found a loaded handgun on a Philipsburg, New Jersey playground. The boy is now first in line for the slide, the swings, and the carousel – got it?

Michael Cheatle, 37, a married private school teacher in suburban Philadelphia, was charged with having an illicit sexual relatiionship with a 17-year-old student. You can’t spell Cheatle without..

Nintendo released a new Fortnite-like battle royale game where 35 Super Marios fight each other until just one remains. The game is called Plumbers Union and it costs $150 per hour to play.

The new James Bond theme – No Time To Die – was released by singer Billie Eilish. Eilish’s color-streaked hair is changed for the video, since she had no time to dye.

Nicki Minaj gave birth to her first child, who was uninjured after exiting the birth canal and dropping two feet to the table below.

A new report finds 40% of the world’s plant life is at risk of extinction. Most of those are plants bought for Dads after him and Mom split up.

Amazon said over 19,000 of its workers contracted COVID-19 – and, of those, almost 10 were allowed to miss work.

A man wielding a sledgehammer broke the window of a Fox TV affiliate in Philadelphia and demanded to speak to a news anchor. Fox accommodated him, then put him in a limo to New York City and gave him his own 11pm show on Fox News.

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Donald Trump explained his opposition to mail-in voting, saying “voting is an honor”. He added “there’s only one thing more important than honor…in ‘er.” [ED NOTE: This is an old street joke that I first saw when it was told in an interview by actor John Wayne.]

Lori Loughlin will plead guilty to fraud in the College Admissions Scandal. “Have mercy!” said her mullet-haired lawyer.

Johns Hopkins University researchers say the coronavirus has infected its 5 Millionth person, although they are baffled as to who should get the balloons and confetti.

Three people were shot near a reopened shopping & entertainment district in a suburb of Phoenix. Residents expressed relief that things are getting back to normal.

The Masked Singer crowned its new champion, Kandi Burruss – who said she’ll probably put her costume back on so people would know who the hell she is.

Todd Tilghman won The Voice. “Who’s Todd Tilghman?” asked Kandi Burruss.

Sylvester Stallone is hosting a ‘Rocky’ watch party on Facebook. The party will last four hours – 90 minutes for the movie, and 2 1/2 hours so a translator can decipher what Stallone is mumbling.

Experts say public swimming pools may be closed in areas with large numbers of COVID-19 cases. It’s either that, or kids drown when they struggle to breathe through a wet facemask.

An unnamed NFL player from New Jersey claims a female passenger on a United Airlines flight sexually assaulted him, repeatedly groping his thighs and crotch. The woman was moved to a different seat, where other male passengers fought to sit next to her.

A 43-year-old male nurse in San Francisco showed in before & after pics how a six-week battle with COVID-19 caused him to lose 50 pounds. After seeing the photos, Weight Watchers told its members coronavirus counts as zero points.

 

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Mickey & Minnie Mouse, 91 years old each, finally have their own ride at Disney World: ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Runaway Railway’. It was supposed to be ‘Mickey & Minnie’s Railway’, so now you know why Disney didn’t want them having their own ride.

A New York City lawyer with coronavirus is listed in ‘severe’ condition, but his close friends say he’s motivated by the massive lawsuit he’ll file if he ever gets out of the hospital.

Senator Richard Blumenthal has asked U.S. airlines to immediately waive change and cancellation fees because of the coronavirus, and to waive change and cancellation fees for trips on Spirit Airlines just because.

A director at the Centers For Disease Control said that, to fight coronavirus, Americans may need to take a break from their normal daily routine for two weeks. “Okay, if you think it’ll help” said serial killers.

Buffalo Wild Wings is letting two contest winners live inside of a Chicago area location for one night during the ‘March Madness’ NCAA Mens Basketball tournament. The best part is they can watch all the games they want, but no one will make them eat there.

Ikea recalled another 820,000 dressers because of the risk of their falling on to small children. Ikea said owners can return the dressers, but not their children.

Do-it-yourself fecal transplants – used to put healthy bacteria in the colon to treat bowel disorders – are found to improve symptoms in 82% of people. The other 18% are sh*t out of luck.

Michael Bloomberg is ending his presidential bid after spending half a billion dollars on advertising. “Mike Will Get It Done” will long be remembered as the slogan of a guy who blew half a billion dollars on advertising when he could have bought a hockey team.

Flavor Flav gave his first interview since being fired as a member of Public Enemy, 90 percent of which was the ‘Y’ sound in the word ‘boy’.

Alaska Airlines, Southwest, United and Hawaiian all announced low fares on flights to Hawaii, so book now if you’ve ever dreamed of spending two weeks in a tropical hospital.

 

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A cartoon image of Mötley Crüe vocalist Vince Neil appears in a new children’s book, ‘Heavy Metal Harry’s First Gig’. It’s believed to be the first children’s book where someone gets killed in a drunk driving accident.

Louis C.K. finalized the list of cities for his upcoming standup comedy tour. But you have to wait for him to ask before he’ll show it to you.

United Airlines instructed flight attendants not to utilize the central window shade controls on its Boeing 787 Dreamliners, letting passengers seated next to the windows control the shades. They want window passengers to be able to piss off others in the row with light, in addition to climbing over them to use the bathroom.

Corona will launch a line of hard seltzer this spring, for people who don’t think drinking Corona Beer makes them look like a big enough douche.

Donald Trump complained about South Korean film ‘Parasite’ winning the Best Picture Oscar, before telling a crowd at his rally that he’s detaining Dora The Explorer’s family at the Southern Border.

Pizza Hut’s largest U.S. franchisee, with over 1,200 locations, may declare bankruptcy. They haven’t filed yet, coming to grips with the fact that they’ve been out-pizza’d.

Google updated its Terms Of Service to make them easier to understand. It now reads “We’re Taking Your Personal Information And There’s Nothing You Can Do About It”.

Apple filed a restraining order against a 41-year-old San Francisco man who, they allege, is stalking CEO Tim Cook. Cook is reportedly annoyed that the guy doesn’t just FaceTime him.

Disney/Pixar’s animated film ‘Onward’ introduced Disney’s first openly gay cartoon character, lesbian cop Officer Specter. Rumors say she’ll appear in another upcoming Pixar film, where she’s assigned to desk duty after repeatedly harassing Elastigirl.

A University of California study linking vaping to increased risk of heart attacks has now been called ‘unreliable’.  “Good to know” said vapers on the brink of acute respiratory failure.

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A former executive at Juul claims the company knowingly shipped one million contaminated mint-flavored vape pods. Juul called the accusation baseless, and that the pods were clearly labeled emphysemamint.

The ISIS spy who gave U.S. forces information on the location of Abu Bakr Al-Bagdadi was an insider.  ISIS is demanding to know the identity of the flute-blower.

President Trump will invite Conan – the U.S. Special Forces canine injured in the Al Baghdadi raid – to the White House. The dog will get to choose between Big Macs, Whoppers or Snausages.

The Washington Nationals won the World Series. No word on an invitation to the White House, but most players have already said it’s kind of out of their way.

The Arena Football League has ceased operations. Players are cleaning out team and league offices which, ironically, pays better than playing in the Arena Football League.

Fast-food restaurants were graded for their overuse – or lack of it – of antibiotics in beef. Chipotle received the only A. Burger King, Sonic and Applebees received Fs – as did Starbucks, who said nobody’s really buying their Prime Rib Capuccino anyway.

United Airlines is debuting a new Star Wars-themed plane in honor of the new film Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Overbooked passengers who refuse to give up their seat can be dragged off the plane by a service droid.

A California middle school apologized for mistakenly printing a sex hotline number instead of a suicide prevention number on student IDs. Although many students admitted the person they called gave them a new reason to live.

Michael Lohan said daughter Lindsay Lohan’s relationship with Saudi crown prince Mohammad bin Salman is “platonic and respectful”, adding that bin Salman has not once contemplated having Lindsay interrogated and dismembered by staffers.

A life-sized Godzilla attraction is opening at a Japanese amusement park. While visitors expressed excitement at seeing Godzilla, they’re disappointed at the roller coasters being repeatedly shut down after Godzilla steps on them.

 

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Facebook announced Horizon, a virtual reality massive multiplayer world. It’s designed to stretch the imagination, so much so that your Facebook friends become people you really want to talk to.

A new study claims water containing small amounts of sugar, protein or fat is better for hydration than plain water. This is bad news for families trying to convince obese relatives not to hydrate with Gatorade or gravy.

In New Zealand, a University of Canterbury student was reportedly dead in his dorm room for eight weeks before being discovered. The other residents of his dorm were really, really good at honoring the “necktie on the doorknob” rule.

Amazon announced eyeglasses, earbuds and a ring you can buy to communicate with digital assistant Alexa. “Alexa, you’re smothering me” said men.

President Trump dismissed the impeachment inquiry and whistleblower complaint as garbage, adding he has the best hearing and if someone blew a whistle he’d have heard it.

Families are concerned that the new DC Comics movie ‘Joker’ will spur mass shootings, citing as evidence everyone who wanted to kill themselves after paying to see ‘Suicide Squad’.

A United Airlines flight from Washington DC to San Francisco made an emergency landing in Denver after a woman got stuck in the bathroom. She was eventually freed, but passengers still waited to use the other one.

An inmate in the recreation yard at an Ohio county jail was caught on camera receiving a package dropped from a drone. The package contained a cell phone, marijuana and other contraband. The inmate was later charged with texting & shanking a guard.

You can now use Amazon Alexa or the Google Assistant to begin a job application to work at McDonald’s, provided you’re okay with Alexa or the Google Assistant taking ten minutes trying to talk you out of it.

Former co-host of ‘The View’ Jenny McCarthy claims show founder Barbara Walters – in early stages of dementia – consistently forgot who McCarthy was. This made many of the people on set jealous of Barbara Walters.