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California legislators took the next steps to pass a law allowing college athletes to make money off of their name and likeness, which currently violates NCAA rules. College athletes like the law because it doesn’t say anything about having to attend classes.

Walmart is rolling out a subscription service for unlimited grocery delivery – provided all you want is soda, chicken fingers and potato chips.

Researchers found that standing desks offer no meaningful health benefits. They say the main advantage of a standing desk is alleviating temporary discomfort – but that workplace discomfort can also be alleviated by quitting.

Comedian Artie Lange announced he’s seven months sober and out of rehab. A judge told Lange to keep his nose clean, and Lange replied it should be easy, since there isn’t much of his nose left.

Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino was released from prison, where he served eight months for tax evasion. He’s now Mike “The Probation” Sorrentino.

Sharon Osbourne showed off her latest facelift on the season premiere of ‘The Talk’. Ozzy would get a facelift, but he has a hard enough time talking out of the face he has.

The New York Times alleges 2018 Triple Crown winning horse Justify failed a drug test before winning the Kentucky Derby. Since winning the Triple Crown, Justify has also become more difficult to deal with and walked out of an intervention.

A new company is selling “Granny Pods” – a one-person modular home for grandparents you can put in your backyard with enhanced safety and medical monitoring features. And even though it’s close, you don’t have to visit.

The Cleveland Browns banned the wrong fan from future games for throwing beer on a Tennessee Titans player after Sunday’s home opener. The Browns lost 43-13, so thousands of fans banned themselves from upcoming home games.

Amazon opened up Alexa Answers, crowdsourced responses to questions that previously stumped Alexa, such as “where to bats go in the winter?”; “what is cork made of?”; and “why am I such a loser that I spend most of my time talking to an appliance?”.

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President Trump fired National Security Adviser John Bolton. The two allegedly clashed over policy related to Iran, North Korea, the Taliban and how much time to spend each day watching television.

Student loan experts say education debt is now a “trillion dollar blackhole” that’s hurting the nation’s financial system with delinquency – as opposed to the “billion dollar blackhole” which is what they call University of Phoenix.

A female high school swimmer in Alaska was disqualified from a heat she’d won when a referee ruled her school-issued swimsuit didn’t cover enough of her buttocks. Her coach appealed, and the swimmer is consoled by the half-million Instagram followers she added.

A Tennessee high school painted over bathroom mirrors, because they say mirrors cause the students to be late for class. The paint made matters worse, since Tennessee students became terrified thinking they’d disappeared.

Michael Jordan pledged $1 million to Hurricane Dorian relief in the Bahamas. A Bahamas golf pro asked Jordan if he’d like to play and make it double-or-nothing.

Dr. Reyes Gauna, superintendent of Byron Union School District in Northern California, started out as a school custodian. He said he’s proud of his accomplishments, but has a hard time concentrating on work when he hears a kid puke.

The invasive spotted lantern fly has migrated to the City of Philadelphia. The fly – which destroys trees and other vegetation – has adapted and survived by arranging the spots on its wings to read “Dallas Sucks”.

Ellen Degeneres said during summer break she revealed her natural hair color for the first time in decades, adding it had been colored blond for so long she’d forgotten what it was. “I have a pretty good idea” said Ellen’s wife, Portia.

The Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders settled a pay dispute, getting a raise to $12/hour and $400/game. However, the team quadrupled the price of push-up bras and booty shorts.

A 23-year-old Wisconsin health teacher was charged with sexual conduct with a 15-year-old student, who aced health class.

 

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President Trump called off talks with Taliban leaders at Camp David. Things broke down when the Taliban heard it was catered by Burger King, and Trump aides refused Taliban requests to substitute meatless Impossible Whoppers.

Tomi Lahren’s fiancee, Brendan Fricke, is running for Congress in California. Fricke, an Independent, believes his candidacy will provide two big benefits – showing voters a conservative platform, and him spending extended time away from Tomi Lahren.

The Rock delivered the good news that car crash victim Kevin Hart is “doing very well”, and more good news that Hart won’t be making any new movies for a while.

Actress and multiple sclerosis advocate Selma Blair shared a photo with no hair and no pants – but shut down rumors she was auditioning for a new Britney Spears biopic.

Google is facing antitrust investigations by just about all U.S. states. What’s worse is when you ask Google Assistant if it’s a search and Internet monopoly, it replies an emphatic YES!

Apple is expected to debut new iPhones at an event on September 10th. “See? This is where all of our hard work pays off” said preteens in China.

Amazon is looking to fill 30,000 jobs and is having a Career Day on September 17th in six U.S. cities. Applicants are advised to bring resumes and dress to impress the robot interviewing them.

A 7-year-old boy who spent savings for a Disney vacation on supplies for Bahamian refugees was given a free trip to Disney World and a visit from Mickey Mouse. The boy asked if homeless Bahamian kids could go to Disney World and Mickey told him to forget it.

Scientists discovered evidence of a city-sized asteroid that killed the dinosaurs 65 million years ago —  not to be confused with Election Day 2016, when the dinosaurs came roaring back into power.

A boy in Tennessee was bullied for wearing a homemade University of Tennessee Volunteers shirt to his grade school’s ‘College Colors’ day – so the Vols sent him boxes of official gear. Now the kid is being bullied because Tennessee’s 0-2 football team sucks.

David Lee Roth will perform a nine-show residency at the House of Blues – Las Vegas, marking the first time a Vegas act performed Louis Prima covers in over 40 years.

Todd Palin filed for a separation from Sarah Palin. He’ll move to Russia so Sarah can still keep an eye on him from home.

 

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Sony released a 40th Anniversary Walkman with a hard drive instead of cassette tape playback. A Sony spokesman called it “an old Sony cell phone with a Walkman sticker”.

JP Morgan created the Volfefe Index – designed to measure the impact of President Trump’s tweets on financial markets. After two days, the Index unfollowed him.

President Trump attacked supermodel Chrissy Teigen on Twitter. Which is unusual, since Trump usually attacks women at his hotels.

Miami Dolphins QB Ryan Fitzpatrick became the first NFL player to start for eight different teams, and to suffer a concussion with seven.

The CEO of CVS Health published an essay marking the fifth anniversary of CVS’ decision to stop selling tobacco products. Along with their decision to stop selling porno magazines, cashiers are delighted with all of the room behind the counter.

Prosecutors in the Operation Varsity Blues college admissions scandal are recommending one month in prison for actress Felicity Huffman – the most brutal month she’s spent since filming ‘Georgia Rule’ with Lindsay Lohan & Jane Fonda.

HGTV’s ‘A Very Brady Renovation’ premieres Monday – showcasing renovation to the classic Brady Bunch house. Some new locations were added, such as a media room for Cindy to fire off homophobic posts, and a second attic bedroom for Marcia to get high.

Matt Lauer finalized his divorce. Next up Today – helping a rich 50-something find a hot young girlfriend!

A British Columbia man survived a black bear attack, claiming he yelled at the bear “you don’t have to do this”. A nearby family’s dog chased away the bear, who later turned himself in, telling park rangers “that guy was right, I didn’t have to do it.”

Southwest Airlines launched its Fall airfare sale, the flights priced as low as $29, or $229 for the same one but without terrible jokes and banter from flight attendants.

 

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An Air Force A-10C Warthog “unintentionally released” a rocket in the Arizona desert between Phoenix and Tucson. Multiple displaced jackrabbit families applied to FEMA for disaster relief.

Severe lung illnesses in e*cigarette users may be tied to an ingredient in cannabis-containing vape products, according to nurses working the medical tent at Phish shows.

Tom Brady expressed his support for USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd becoming a kicker in the NFL, adding that he’d show her how to make the balls easier to kick by letting a little air out of them.

Kanye West purchased Wyoming’s Monster Lake Ranch for $14 million. Wyoming had been considered one of the few remaining safe spaces from Kanye’s music.

An American Airlines mechanic allegedly sabotaged a jet carrying 150 passengers so he could collect overtime fixing his own damage. He’ll be tried separately from the catering service who sabotaged the passengers’ stomachs when they bought food on board.

A 74-year-old Indian woman now holds the record for “world’s oldest mom” after giving birth to twins following in-vitro fertilization. The twins also broke a record, becoming the youngest humans to speak a complete sentence saying “get me out of there.”

Retired NFL star Marshawn Lynch said if he were NFL Commissioner, he’d legalize marijuana for players. And cheerleaders. And fans. And pretty much everyone.

Kylie Jenner told Ellen Degeneres that her sisters “tease her” about being a billionaire, and about having to learn serious math to know, like, how much a billion is.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he will no longer run for U.S. President, saying he suffered a back injury that required three surgeries, caused by carrying his money around.

Facebook officially launched Facebook Dating – its long-awaited companion product to Facebook Cheating.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, officially debuted new blond highlights on her kids’ first day of school. The world is now ready to learn goofy new British slang terms for blond hair.

 

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A vegan in Australia sued her neighbor for grilling meat in their backyard. The neighbor countersued the vegan for grilling asparagus in hers.

Climate scientists say global warming has lowered the survival chances of the Great Barrier Reef to “very poor”. The outlook is even worse for the Average Barrier Reef.

Google was fined $170 million for collecting and selling YouTube data on children under 13. Parents grew concerned when their small children viewed ads targeted to kids who pick their nose and “feel funny down there”.

Purdue Pharma, makers of OxyContin, is reportedly preparing for bankruptcy. It’s so bad, they’re reaching out to addicts whose lives they’ve ruined for tips on how to be broke.

The American Vaping Association criticized Michigan’s ban of fruit flavored vape pods, saying it’ll only drive teens to smoke tobacco cigarettes. “We hope so”, said the maker of new Fruit Loops Cigarettes.

Presidential candidate and activist Marianne Williamson suggested that people use “the power of the mind” to divert the path of Hurricane Dorian. Which made nuking it seem pretty sensible by comparison.

Brad Pitt quit drinking – making it an even bigger longshot for less-than-gorgeous women to get their shot at Brad Pitt.

Scarlett Johansson said she believes Woody Allen never molested children, adding that, if she’s wrong, she’s 34 and rich so…whatever.

A 78-year-old Australian woman collecting hen’s eggs was pecked to death by her rooster. “If I can’t have you, NOBODY WILL!” shouted the rooster as he was led away by cops in ridiculously tiny leg irons.

Robert Pattinson told Variety that his last four film roles featured him masturbating. Pattinson, who’s been cast as the new Batman, said an early scene has him giving Alfred the night off.

 

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Walmart announced they’ll stop selling ammunition for assault-style weapons. Sam’s Club announced a name change to Sam’s Gun Glub.

Ivanka Trump cut her hair in a blunt bob above the shoulders. “Who’s the hot soccer mom?” her Dad asked an aide when Ivanka returned to Washington.

McKrae Game, founder of Hope for Wholeness Network, a conversion therapy program designed to rid people of their gay identities, came out himself as gay. Friends and program participants grew suspicious when he expanded Disco Night to 7 nights/week.

Grocery chain Kroger asked its customers to no longer openly carry firearms into stores. If two people are fighting over the last rotisserie chicken, a store manager will flip a coin to settle it instead of the usual shootout.

Jonah Hill is engaged to girlfriend Gianna Santos. Santos is picking out a dress, and Hill is deciding whether to be big or thin.

Four 10-year-old white boys posted an online diss track directed at Cardi B, with hurtful lines like “you belong in a zoo” and “they could fix your teeth but they couldn’t fix your face.” Cardi replied “go drink your motherf**king milk”. Security is being beefed up for the 4th Grade Talent Show.

Viral video showed a rat falling into a deep fryer at a Whataburger restaurant in Texas. His family requests privacy during this difficult time as they mourn at a nearby Burger King.

Mental health websites in Europe were discovered to be sharing user data with advertisers, according to people bombarded with ads asking if they were “crazy about Perrier.”

A kilo of cocaine washed up on a Melbourne, Florida beach in the wake of Hurricane Dorian. Dorian now owes El Chapo’s cousin twenty grand.

Michigan became the first state to ban flavored e*cigarettes. Ohio seized on the opportunity to boost tourism, announcing the Watermelon Juul Pod Festival.

 

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Country Time offered to pay the fines of kids cited for operating unlicensed lemonade stands. No one is more excited than the kid fined for running an unlicensed stand selling lemonade and meth.

Food high in sodium and low in nutrients could lead to depression in preteens. The makers of Lunchables may change the name to Miserables.

UFC crowned its first Chinese champion, strawweight woman Weili Zhang. Zhang defeated Jessica Andrade in 42 seconds – stunning Andrade, who said she’s used to waiting 20 minutes for Chinese to show up.

President Trump spoke about the threat of Hurricane Dorian. He said he didn’t think he’d ever heard of a Category 5 Hurricane, adding that he only pays attention to 9s and 10s.

Hurricane Dorian will cause the Tuesday shutdown of Orlando International Airport. On the bright side, there is, like, no line at Space Mountain.

Kevin Hart suffered severe back injuries when his classic Dodge Barracuda was driven off the highway by a friend. It’s the worst wreck Hart has survived since ‘Soul Plane’.

Bugatti made the first production automobile to top 300mph. “We probably won’t insure that.” said an online sales associate for The General.

A 17-year-old went blind after eating only fries, chips, white bread and meat for most of his life. In a related story, McDonald’s hired their first blind Ronald McDonald.

Player-turned-broadcaster Alex Rodriguez told a national television audience during Sunday night’s Mets/Phillies telecast that “even leads are better than odd leads.” Managers around MLB no longer felt comfortable being ahead 15 runs in the 8th.

Apple is rumored to be bringing sleep tracking to the new edition of Apple Watch. They want to see if users talk about their Apple Watch in their sleep as much as when they’re awake.

 

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The “entirety of Florida” could be hit by Hurricane Dorian when it makes landfall. It’s so scary, Disney World suspended Mickey Mouse for audibly cursing when he saw the weather report.

President Trump complained that Fox News “doesn’t work for us anymore”.  A visibly shaken Sean Hannity was seen being consoled about the potential breakup.

Justin Bieber led a worship service at his church. Jesus showed up and asked Bieber to stop calling him ‘baby’.

Retired NFL receiver Joe Horn thinks the league should switch from tackle to touch or flag football. Just in case it really happens, the New England Patriots equipment staff is sewing flags to belts so they can’t be pulled off.

USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd kicked a 55-yard field goal at a Philadelphia Eagles practice. Some wondered whether Lloyd could make an NFL roster – with many doubting teams would use timeouts while Lloyd tried on different shoes before going out.

After giving up 10 runs in his latest appearance, New York Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard said he’s “sick and tired” of being unathletic on the mound. He’s asked teammates in confidence if they, too, have ever had that “not so fresh” feeling.

Alice Marie Johnson, who Kim Kardashian helped get out of a lengthy prison term for a drug offense, is modeling Kardashian’s new SKIMS shapewear line – saying she wished she had SKIMS for years so she could fit into a size 8 prison jumpsuit.

Robert Downey Jr said in an interview that he “knew it was time” to retire from the Marvel Cinematic Universe — apparently when he read an Iron Man 4 script that had Tony Stark develop a talking cane.

Alabama Governor Kay Ivey apologized for wearing blackface in a racist skit when she attended college at Auburn University in the 1960s. Or, as they called it at Auburn University in the 1960s, a Drama Department audition.

 

 

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Victoria’s Secret announced the hiring of Valentina Sampaio, their first openly transgender model. Sampaio is expected to help launch a new line of roomier women’s briefs.

Brazil’s President Jair Bolsonaro said he will accept $20 million in international aid to fight Amazon rainforest fires, but only if France’s President Emmanuel Macron apologizes for barbs traded about each other’s wives. Aides are busy translating “beggars can’t be choosers” from French to Portugese.

Viral video shows Senator Elizabeth Warren giving personal financial advice to people appearing on “Dr. Phil”, including “don’t ask Dr Phil for financial advice.”

MTV gave out its 2019 Video Music Awards; or, as they’re now known, the Music Awards.

New artist Lizzo performed in front of a giant inflatable butt at the MTV Awards, in case you ever need a practical definition of “putting a hat on a hat.”

A new invasive species of tumbleweed that can grow up to six feet in height is taking over parts of California. It’s been spotted in several California locations, including Nicolas Cage’s acting career.

Retired New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is pitching CBD oil use to treat pain. He even came up with his own slogan “It’s as simple as CBD, the first three letters of the alphabet!”

Oklahoma tv host Alex Housden apologized to her black co-host Jason Hackett after telling him he “kind of looks like” a gorilla.  Housden is expected to remain a host of ‘Good Morning Racists’.

Seattle Mariners outfielder Keon Broxton was ejected from Monday night’s game against the Yankees after hitting plate umpire Manny Gonzalez in the face with a batting glove. Gonzalez chose to eject Broxton rather than have a pistol duel at 20 paces.

Johnson & Johnson was ordered to pay $572 million for worsening the opioid epidemic in Oklahoma. So Johnson & Johnson are looking for 5.72 million Benjamins.